Explaining dead relatives to kids

[sken92]

Not an immediate concern as DD is just turning 2, but starting to get to the stage of asking what/who’s that a lot so this question has been in my head!

my sister died last year and I’m trying to prepare for the inevitable explanation when DD asks who and where she is from pictures etc. At the moment she does ask and we say that’s Aunty L and she happily accepts, but just wondering how others have explained to toddlers about relatives who have died before they have any memory of them?

I can’t do down the ‘when people get old and have a lived a long time they die’ as we have with older relatives and other kids, as she wasn’t - she was in her 30s. I also can’t really go down the ‘gone to heaven route’ as we were told not to do this with my niece but to be honest and explain that mum’s died and she won’t see her again (thankfully I didn’t need to have that conversation!), however slightly different as my niece obviously knew her mum and there was a period of illness beforehand so she adjusted to the idea (as much as a 5 year old can).

Strange question I know but I guess I’m unsure how to broach it when it does come up as obviously I want DD to know she had another aunty and who she was while also explaining why she’s not here?!

TIA

I don't think what I'm doing is wrong, but I, unlike you am able to accept that people do things differently, and accept my choice doesn't work for everyone.

What I actually find weird is your startling lack of comprehension

@sken92 you may find it helpful to make a family tree to contextualise older relatives and previous generations.

Eye witness accounts? Are you joking?

I find your startling inability to understand why telling children dead people are asleep is wrong weird.

@JenWillsiam oh no! How will I go on?!

I look after my 19 month old granddaughter every week
both my son & us have pictures if my daughter who died 12 years ago in our homes, and refer to her as aunty charlotte.
my granddaughter refers to her as Aunty charlotte
Yesterday she saw a picture of her flash up on my phone and said aunty charlotte
Then said where is she
i am unsure what to say, as although she is speaking a lot and understanding well for her age she has no concept of death and as my daughter was a young adult when she died it is difficult, advise always seems to be for old people/ old pets ii think i said she's far away - maybe sleeping ?,( cant quite remember)
watches over us - lives in our hearts ( and maybe said sleeping which i now know is not good to say). . I Was taken by surprise & unprepared

Hello, you might want to start your own thread as this is old. I'm very sorry for the loss of your Charlotte, how lovely that she is still a presence in your granddaughter's life. Personally if she asks where is Aunty Charlotte I would very simply say that she died. Perhaps adding that she died quite a long time ago, before granddaughter was born, and leave it at that unless and until she asks more. I think it's quite likely TBH that if put in that way that she won't follow that up with the more difficult question 'what is death/what does die mean' as she's very little still and like you say doesn't have an understanding of death so probably takes what she's told on face value? I think it's more likely she might ask 'why?' in the sense of what happened to make her die?' which is still difficult but you can respond to her factually and age appropriately then. For instance we sadly had two relatives who died as young adults, one in an accident and one of leukemia. The accident was easier of the two to explain to the kids although of course we avoided graphic/scary details, the illness was harder because we didn't want to frighten them that every time they or us had ordinary illnesses that they or we might die, so we just said that something like 'Aunty X was very ill and the doctors tried very hard to make her better and gave her lots of medicine, usually medicine makes us better but sadly she was too ill and her body got worn out and so she died'. Seemed to work ok, little ones do seem to take that kind of thing in their stride.

I think the general advice around death does still apply when it's a young adult, i.e. speak factually not euphemisms and particularly don't talk about 'going to sleep' as that can be frightening, I personally am not a fan of 'watching over us' or 'living in our hearts' either, due to a misunderstanding when I was a child thanks to a botched attempt at explaining death to me by a well meaning relative, I came to believe my decreased (and quite stern Victorian) grandmother now lived in my bedroom ceiling and was watching and reporting me when I was naughty. I was very frightened as a result (I think I got muddled between her and Santa/Jesus tbh 😬). If your little granddaughter does start asking more searching questions about what death or die means when she's a bit older, I personally would favour something slightly more concrete i.e. dieing means that the person's body doesn't work any more and so we can't see them or play with them although we can still remember them and think about them. If you do have religious beliefs I think it's also fine to say you believe their soul goes to heaven to be with Jesus or similar although I doubt an 19 month old will grasp any of that TBH!

I think it's absolutely fine to show sadness and grief around death to children even if the person died a long time ago BTW, please don't feel you can't ever show that to her, I think you can definitely explain to your granddaughter that it's very very sad that aunty Charlotte isn't with us any more, in fact I think seeing adult sadness can help children process death (so long as they themselves are secure and looked after of course)... [Flowers]