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Original poster

Would you have a repeat playdate or not?

117 replies

Goldbar · 12/08/2023 13:45

Interested in people's views on this situation. Apologies in advance for the length!

I have a friend I've known for a long time (pre-DC) with a DC similar age to mine, 5yo. Her DC (let's call them Blake) is very sensitive, articulate, spoke early on and an early reader - altogether a bright spark and likes chatting to adults and apparently top of the class at school. My DC (let's call them Quinn) is perhaps on the more boisterous end of the spectrum, loves running and climbing and during the toddler years I had to be quite firm to make sure they were safe and didn't bother others, though they've turned into a fairly easy-going and chilled 5yo and great with their baby sibling (who was with grandparents and does not make a direct appearance in this story 😂!). My friend is a fairly gentle parent and likes to validate her child's feelings and opinions, which I don't disagree with so long as not taken to extremes.

We do playdates occasionally, more often in the holidays. Our latest was at an adventure playground/picnic spot. I arrived with my child and Blake was doing an activity book. I suggested that the kids go and play, but Blake said they didn't want to play with Quinn and wanted to do the book. My friend didn't say anything. So I suggested that Quinn go off and play and maybe Blake could join later. Quinn found some other children to play with and they were playing shops and chasing games and stuff like that. Blake stopped doing the book and was upset that Quinn was playing with other children. My friend said, "I know, you're upset because Quinn went off and left you. That wasn't a very nice thing for a friend to do, was it?" I suggested that Blake join the group, but Blake only wanted to play with Quinn, not the other children. Eventually, they played for a bit in the sandpit together.

During the picnic, Blake had a toy with them which Quinn wanted to see. Blake said to Quinn, "You can't play with it because it's mine not yours". My friend said, "Yes, we don't have to share our special things, do we Blake?" I was a bit nonplussed, but I said, "Yes, it's fine to have special things which we just keep for ourselves". I could see Quinn was also a bit bemused by the whole thing, so I told Quinn that I have a race up the climbing-frame with them for a bit. But then my friend said, "Oh, I was going to finish telling you about what we were talking about before..." So I ended up having to stay and listen until she finished her story. By which time (5-10 minutes later), Quinn, thoroughly bored, had gone off to play with some of the children from before. At this point, Blake (still sitting next to us) said, "Quinn didn't finish their lunch and they went off again, that's bad, mummy, isn't it? Quinn is so naughty". My friend made a comment about it not being nice to leave people out. I suggested to Blake to go and play with Quinn but then Blake got upset because Quinn wanted to climb on the climbing-nets rather than make stuff in the sandpit. My friend then said to me, "Quinn is a handful, aren't they? It must be hard dealing with all this with the new baby". Which annoyed me perhaps unfairly because Quinn is actually quite laid-back and helpful and affectionate with the baby.

By now, my patience was wearing thin so I suggested getting the kids ice cream. But apparently Blake doesn't eat ice cream anymore since the whole family are trying to make healthier choices. So (and I know I was in the wrong at this point (😂) I said, "Well, Quinn does eat ice cream" and bought Quinn an ice-cream from the ice-cream van. Hence one upset Blake and one slightly huffy friend. They left soon afterwards. I've since had a message saying "Was nice to catch up. Maybe we could do another meet-up soon when Quinn is more in the mood to play with Blake and doesn't need so much of your time. Are you free next week?"

Am I being oversensitive to be a bit irritated by the whole thing? AIBU to think meet-ups without kids would be better for a bit?

OP posts:
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SataumaMeddler · 12/08/2023 13:48

Why would you repeat the experience? Sounds pretty passive aggressive on both sides

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/08/2023 13:50

You don’t sound like friends at all. I wouldn’t bother again and keep my distance.

PetersSpecialCheese · 12/08/2023 13:50

Ha! She sounds like a fruitcake.

Is your child supposed to sit patiently in one place until her child wants to play?

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cansu · 12/08/2023 13:52

Yes she sounds very annoying. Maybe you should start dishing it out back at her. E g. Blake doesn't want to play with you right now. It isn't nice to ignore people is it?

Or you could tell your friend that you should meet up without kids. I guess you could say the children have different personalities and her ds seems to prefer quiet activities.

Thoughtful2355 · 12/08/2023 13:52

you guys arnt friends ^^ trust me, id be ditching the friendship very quickly

Thoughtful2355 · 12/08/2023 13:53

actually... yeah id be tempted to meet just ONE more time and just do the exact same thing to her Hahaha

Original poster
Goldbar · 12/08/2023 13:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/08/2023 13:50

You don’t sound like friends at all. I wouldn’t bother again and keep my distance.

She is honestly lovely and interesting without children around 😂! I think she just takes her responsibility towards her child to parent sensitively and "responsively" very seriously.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 12/08/2023 13:58

Why didn't you say "well, Blake, you didn't want to play with Quinn. Qinn is allowed to do what they want as much as you arec

As for the adult? I would probably have told her to cop on and that we won't be hanging round until her PFB is in the mood"

No other play dates - I'd get too stabby

Comedycook · 12/08/2023 13:58

Just because you and the mum are friends doesn't mean your children will be. They sound like very different characters so yes I think I'd probably quietly limit playdates and socialise as just adults.

neilyoungismyhero · 12/08/2023 13:59

Not sure why you even want to continue the friendship to be honest she sounds like a right wet drippy lettuce.

HarrietJet · 12/08/2023 14:00

Your friend is an absolute muppet, op. I wouldn't meet her in her own, let alone with the kids.
I think she just takes her responsibility towards her child to parent sensitively and "responsively" very seriously
Even after the stuff in your original post, you still think this?!

Sunshineclouds11 · 12/08/2023 14:04

Yeah not for me tbh.
I would meet up without the kids, otherwise no.

IsItUs · 12/08/2023 14:05

Your friend isn't doing her DC any favours by raising them to expect to be the centre of everyone's universe and that people can only do what they want.
I'd either walk away, see her without DC or explain what the problem is - if the latter though, she won't "get it" so it won't end well!

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/08/2023 14:06

Goldbar · 12/08/2023 13:55

She is honestly lovely and interesting without children around 😂! I think she just takes her responsibility towards her child to parent sensitively and "responsively" very seriously.

Show quote history

She just doesn’t sound lovely to me. She isn’t very ‘gentle’ with your child either.

Clymene · 12/08/2023 14:08

Don't see her again. She is negging your kid!

Sooze2023 · 12/08/2023 14:11

Sounds like neither of you had much fun. Would it really be any different the next time. Or the time after .... ? Maybe just stop meeting up now to make it easier to refuse than if it becomes a regular thing.

xyz111 · 12/08/2023 14:11

Nope, that would absolutely drive me bonkers!! Like their kids so perfect 🙄

xyz111 · 12/08/2023 14:12

Is this a one off, or is this usually how play dates pan out?

toomanyleggings · 12/08/2023 14:12

I couldn’t be arsed with this

DiaNaranja · 12/08/2023 14:14

She sounds batshit, and I know all too familiarly what it's like to have a "friend" like this. When our DDS were small, we spent a lot of time together but it was quite honestly traumatic come the end, and was thankful when they started (different) schools and spent less time together. Although when we do occasionally meet now, the girls are older and it's not as difficult. But her dd just couldn't do any wrong in her eyes, although to others, came across as obnoxious and pretty rude. My DD has always been pretty laid back and easy going, so I guess I am a "gentle parent" by default, she has always made life pretty easy, as has dd2. Friends DD was really hard work, would scream and get quite aggressive if things didn't go her way, and as friend wanted to approach stuff in a "gentle way", it always involved blaming others for her DDS behaviour/feelings. She's often refuse to play, and then scream her head off that the others were playing without her, and mum would validate this by telling her they weren't nice for leaving her out etc. Same with toy sharing, she never had to share hers, but then would lash out and push others over to take their things and again, that was the other kids fault for "not letting her have a turn". I genuinely thought the mum was creating a monster, and although she can still be a tad entitled, she's seems to be quite a nice kid now 😅. I probably wouldn't have another playdate anytime soon, doesn't sound like your dc could have particularly enjoyed it. You say you like her and get on well, so why not suggest a kid free meal out or drinks, so you can chat and have fun without having to referee two kids with very different personalities, who probably don't want to be mates.

ditalini · 12/08/2023 14:17

You were polite and didn't criticise her child or comment on his behaviour. She didn't choose to return the compliment.

I'd just leave it and only see her without children.

itsgettingweird · 12/08/2023 14:18

So your kid went off and amused themselves quite happily whilst hers needed validation if their feelings and your kids undivided attention when they demanded it......

And your kid is the problem?

I had a friend like this. Note the "had".

Truth was (which I could see afterwards) that her kids were hard work and demanding and quite frankly spoilt. My easy going ds never caused me issues and her her mind it was easier to try and drag ds down by inventing issues that weren't there rather than admit to herself that she'd raised whingey brats.

And you absolutely were in the right to get an ice cream if you were happy for your kid to have one. Her kid clearly wasn't so enamoured with their healthy choices as she tried to convince you Grin

Bbq1 · 12/08/2023 14:19

Goldbar · 12/08/2023 13:45

Interested in people's views on this situation. Apologies in advance for the length!

I have a friend I've known for a long time (pre-DC) with a DC similar age to mine, 5yo. Her DC (let's call them Blake) is very sensitive, articulate, spoke early on and an early reader - altogether a bright spark and likes chatting to adults and apparently top of the class at school. My DC (let's call them Quinn) is perhaps on the more boisterous end of the spectrum, loves running and climbing and during the toddler years I had to be quite firm to make sure they were safe and didn't bother others, though they've turned into a fairly easy-going and chilled 5yo and great with their baby sibling (who was with grandparents and does not make a direct appearance in this story 😂!). My friend is a fairly gentle parent and likes to validate her child's feelings and opinions, which I don't disagree with so long as not taken to extremes.

We do playdates occasionally, more often in the holidays. Our latest was at an adventure playground/picnic spot. I arrived with my child and Blake was doing an activity book. I suggested that the kids go and play, but Blake said they didn't want to play with Quinn and wanted to do the book. My friend didn't say anything. So I suggested that Quinn go off and play and maybe Blake could join later. Quinn found some other children to play with and they were playing shops and chasing games and stuff like that. Blake stopped doing the book and was upset that Quinn was playing with other children. My friend said, "I know, you're upset because Quinn went off and left you. That wasn't a very nice thing for a friend to do, was it?" I suggested that Blake join the group, but Blake only wanted to play with Quinn, not the other children. Eventually, they played for a bit in the sandpit together.

During the picnic, Blake had a toy with them which Quinn wanted to see. Blake said to Quinn, "You can't play with it because it's mine not yours". My friend said, "Yes, we don't have to share our special things, do we Blake?" I was a bit nonplussed, but I said, "Yes, it's fine to have special things which we just keep for ourselves". I could see Quinn was also a bit bemused by the whole thing, so I told Quinn that I have a race up the climbing-frame with them for a bit. But then my friend said, "Oh, I was going to finish telling you about what we were talking about before..." So I ended up having to stay and listen until she finished her story. By which time (5-10 minutes later), Quinn, thoroughly bored, had gone off to play with some of the children from before. At this point, Blake (still sitting next to us) said, "Quinn didn't finish their lunch and they went off again, that's bad, mummy, isn't it? Quinn is so naughty". My friend made a comment about it not being nice to leave people out. I suggested to Blake to go and play with Quinn but then Blake got upset because Quinn wanted to climb on the climbing-nets rather than make stuff in the sandpit. My friend then said to me, "Quinn is a handful, aren't they? It must be hard dealing with all this with the new baby". Which annoyed me perhaps unfairly because Quinn is actually quite laid-back and helpful and affectionate with the baby.

By now, my patience was wearing thin so I suggested getting the kids ice cream. But apparently Blake doesn't eat ice cream anymore since the whole family are trying to make healthier choices. So (and I know I was in the wrong at this point (😂) I said, "Well, Quinn does eat ice cream" and bought Quinn an ice-cream from the ice-cream van. Hence one upset Blake and one slightly huffy friend. They left soon afterwards. I've since had a message saying "Was nice to catch up. Maybe we could do another meet-up soon when Quinn is more in the mood to play with Blake and doesn't need so much of your time. Are you free next week?"

Am I being oversensitive to be a bit irritated by the whole thing? AIBU to think meet-ups without kids would be better for a bit?

Lost a friend in a similar situation to this. Children had been good friends for a few years. Our friendship was built around that. Her child was basically scared of his own shadow and exf almost encouraged this. My child wanted to play, other child didn't. Final straw was when she suggested that we meet without the children. Never saw her agwin. Wasn't a true friend.

Bbq1 · 12/08/2023 14:20

Should have read that i ended the fs

BoohooWoohoo · 12/08/2023 14:21

The kids are too different to have a worthwhile play date. You did well not to explode in front on your friend. Her parenting is not going to help her child make friends at school.