Would you have a repeat playdate or not?

[Goldbar]

Interested in people's views on this situation. Apologies in advance for the length!

I have a friend I've known for a long time (pre-DC) with a DC similar age to mine, 5yo. Her DC (let's call them Blake) is very sensitive, articulate, spoke early on and an early reader - altogether a bright spark and likes chatting to adults and apparently top of the class at school. My DC (let's call them Quinn) is perhaps on the more boisterous end of the spectrum, loves running and climbing and during the toddler years I had to be quite firm to make sure they were safe and didn't bother others, though they've turned into a fairly easy-going and chilled 5yo and great with their baby sibling (who was with grandparents and does not make a direct appearance in this story 😂!). My friend is a fairly gentle parent and likes to validate her child's feelings and opinions, which I don't disagree with so long as not taken to extremes.

We do playdates occasionally, more often in the holidays. Our latest was at an adventure playground/picnic spot. I arrived with my child and Blake was doing an activity book. I suggested that the kids go and play, but Blake said they didn't want to play with Quinn and wanted to do the book. My friend didn't say anything. So I suggested that Quinn go off and play and maybe Blake could join later. Quinn found some other children to play with and they were playing shops and chasing games and stuff like that. Blake stopped doing the book and was upset that Quinn was playing with other children. My friend said, "I know, you're upset because Quinn went off and left you. That wasn't a very nice thing for a friend to do, was it?" I suggested that Blake join the group, but Blake only wanted to play with Quinn, not the other children. Eventually, they played for a bit in the sandpit together.

During the picnic, Blake had a toy with them which Quinn wanted to see. Blake said to Quinn, "You can't play with it because it's mine not yours". My friend said, "Yes, we don't have to share our special things, do we Blake?" I was a bit nonplussed, but I said, "Yes, it's fine to have special things which we just keep for ourselves". I could see Quinn was also a bit bemused by the whole thing, so I told Quinn that I have a race up the climbing-frame with them for a bit. But then my friend said, "Oh, I was going to finish telling you about what we were talking about before..." So I ended up having to stay and listen until she finished her story. By which time (5-10 minutes later), Quinn, thoroughly bored, had gone off to play with some of the children from before. At this point, Blake (still sitting next to us) said, "Quinn didn't finish their lunch and they went off again, that's bad, mummy, isn't it? Quinn is so naughty". My friend made a comment about it not being nice to leave people out. I suggested to Blake to go and play with Quinn but then Blake got upset because Quinn wanted to climb on the climbing-nets rather than make stuff in the sandpit. My friend then said to me, "Quinn is a handful, aren't they? It must be hard dealing with all this with the new baby". Which annoyed me perhaps unfairly because Quinn is actually quite laid-back and helpful and affectionate with the baby.

By now, my patience was wearing thin so I suggested getting the kids ice cream. But apparently Blake doesn't eat ice cream anymore since the whole family are trying to make healthier choices. So (and I know I was in the wrong at this point (😂) I said, "Well, Quinn does eat ice cream" and bought Quinn an ice-cream from the ice-cream van. Hence one upset Blake and one slightly huffy friend. They left soon afterwards. I've since had a message saying "Was nice to catch up. Maybe we could do another meet-up soon when Quinn is more in the mood to play with Blake and doesn't need so much of your time. Are you free next week?"

Am I being oversensitive to be a bit irritated by the whole thing? AIBU to think meet-ups without kids would be better for a bit?

I agree with a PP that you speak of your child in a very strange way. All this "they" "their" crap is annoying too.

I used to home educate my children…I have to say I did a fantastic job ,and they are adults now with excellent jobs ….
but every play date we tried to do ,went just like the above ,every child was like Blake ,and every parent bar one or two ,like the ops friend .
we stopped fairly quickly mixing ..
however 2 of mine have autism / adhd ,so we were probably not their cup of tea any more than they were ours
not in any way saying either child has autism ,,reading this just brought back some memories

Ditch her x

a) Ditch them. Your children are not friends, and she sounds insufferable, like a lot of the Mums at NCT coffee mornings back in the day!

b) I've since had a message saying "Was nice to catch up. Maybe we could do another meet-up soon when Quinn is more in the mood to play with Blake and doesn't need so much of your time. Are you free next week?"

Reply "Yes, would be nice to get together maybe when Blake is more in the mood to play with Quinn. I'm afraid that an activity book is essentially a solitary occupation and meant Quinn had to look elsewhere for playmates, which wasn't ideal for either of them. Quinn is a very active child, and that isn't likely to change by next week, but happy to give it another go!

c) Thank goodness they're not actually called Blake and Quinn.

I have a very similar friend and your DS sounds exactly like mine. Even at baby club, he would never sit still in a circle, he was always off crawling and exploring 🤦🏻‍♀️. Diagnosed with adhd now so that explains a lot!!

But the other mums DS was perfect. Would often say "Aaron isn't sitting still for lunch" like a right little snitch. Luckily it doesn't sound as intense as your situation, but I totally get how frustrating it is.

The ice cream thing! I love it!!! A little well-placed snarkiness is awesome! OP you are my people!

I was surprised tbh. I'm usually quite laid-back on playdates and not quick to take offence. And I do usually try to see things from the other child's perspective so tried for a while to get them to play together so Blake wouldn't feel left out.

Gave up trying to work that out. Obviously both boys. Would dump these non-friends and her passive -aggressive remarks asap.

There reaches a point where play dates unless the children are friends themselves become difficult as the dynamic just isn’t there

It's always been a little like this. It's confusing because Blake can also be very sweet, kind and chatty with adults, and we've had some nice times together.

@Octosaurus spot on there! Perfect recipe for an entitled little brat

I might be projecting a bit there ,brought back a lot of angry feelings,not aimed at you ..I don’t think I stood up enough for my kids enough at this age .
I think you were grand how you held it together at the time

I would decline a play date. You are doing your son a disservice for not sticking up for him and trying to get him to play with someone who is very different to him just because you're friends with his mum. Keep your friendship with his mum and the boys separate. It's not fair on your son to have to ensure these any more and I'm not convinced that this mum is such a nice person.

I'm not surprised that Blake is having friendship issues. Quinn can't solve this problem that was made worse by Blake's mum.

I take a hard line with assholes. Your “friend” is an asshole, but not only towards you, but your child too.
I would text back saying no thank you, my child prefers to actually play on a play date, not read books alone.

I would never see them again.

I found the plural pronouns made it seem like you were talking about a bunch of kids at one point. Not the point, but it would have read easier if you'd just used 'he' or 'she'.

Anyway, I don't think she seems very nice at all. She can gentle parent as much as she likes with her own child but surely not at the expense of yours?! I can't understand why you didn't challenge her on any of the comments she made regarding your child. Like her saying when Quinn went off to play that it wasn't a nice thing for a friend to do. Why didn't you step in there and say something to defend your child? You had suggested they go off and play together but Blake decided not to. Quinn wasn't leaving him out. Her child chose to stay with his activity book rather than play with him. Was your child supposed to sit at the edge of the playground and patiently wait for him to finish? He did nothing wrong.

And the child's comment about him being naughty going back to play without finishing his food! Why didn't you say something? Like along the lines of "he's not being naughty. He's just excited to play and will come back for more when he's hungry again" or something similar. By saying nothing, you're basically affirming Blake's belief that your child is naughty. There were a few examples of where you could have commented to defend your child.

Your children are completely different in character and that's absolutely fine. What isn't fine are her outright rude, negative comments and connotations about your child. I wouldn't sit there and listen to that.

Forget that! If this happens again, gently challenge what Blake says rather than not rocking the boat-ive has to do this with a friends older child who is a right little know it all, dont let kids bad mouth yours!

You both sound very performance parenty and passive aggressive , and I think it is rubbing off on the children with their smug little pokes at each other.

I would message back "the kids seem to have very different ideas about play. Why don't we meet up without them?"

If anything you under reacted under severe provocation! They sound like PITAs.

No, I would not have another play date. Especially not next week! Maybe in 6 months time if I really liked the mum before she became such a dickhead, I’d give her one more chance.

I agree with all this

She's as passive aggressiveness bitch and her son is a brat. Probably not his fault though.

I'd be making excuses.

Nope I would be making my excuses! Don't see her again and subject your child to their shitty ways. The mum sounds like a pain in the arse.

I think they are getting to the age where play dates start falling apart when the kids themselves don't really get on that well. They just aren't compatible for playing together, no one's fault. But your friend sounds like a pain in the arse and the ice cream bit at the end made me laugh ^^ I think all the snide comments were incredibly rude and I'd find it hard to want to see this person again.

Whoops italics fail.

I'd maybe just reply and say something like 'Sorry, Quinn not really up for another play date, not sure he and Blake are destined to be friends! Just two very different kids I think. Maybe we can meet up without kids sometime' assuming you do want to see her again.