WWYD? Grandparents and Sugar

[Sleepysaurus2]

My in-laws sometimes look after my 3 year old DD. It isn’t very frequent and it’s usually when they want to look after her, not from a childcare standpoint. I suppose on average it would be 2 or 3 times a month.

Every time DD goes to their house, she is only fed sugar. I honestly wouldn’t mind the odd treat or two but the whole day is just sugar. They have a cupboard full of ‘toddler’ snacks e.g things like mini gingerbread men, crispy tiddlers, those yo yo things and other similar items. Given the frequency that she goes to their house, I do find it unnecessary for them to have a whole cupboard full of these snacks. DD just asks for constant snacks when she’s there. She is a pretty good eater for a toddler but understandably she finds these items a big temptation when she is there. My DH has previously asked them to only offer her one of these items when she is there and to otherwise offer fruit or similar. They agreed to this but I am not confident they’re following this. There always seems to be a new snack in the cupboard. I find it unnecessary and a bit strange that they keep buying these expensive and nutritionally poor items.

DD was with my MIL today. When I picked her up MIL said she’d eaten all her lunch. I asked what she had and she told me DD had a jam sandwich on white bread (she’ll happily have cheese, ham or peanut butter), a yoghurt ‘and some other bits’. Then when we went to get her things I saw an open pack of French fancies and DD later told me she’d had a chocolate cake (presumably one of the French fancies). She does have bits of fruit when she’s there but every single thing she has is sweet. MIL was very happy to tell me that DD had really enjoyed a yoghurt mixed with jam…DD simply doesn’t need all of this. She isn’t a fussy eater! I used to send her there with a lunchbox similar to one she has at nursery but MIL has told me she prefers to make her lunch herself. This doesn’t make any sense!

It's stressing me out a bit and making me not want to send her there. I let her go there as it’s nice for our in-laws to be included and DD does have a nice time playing there. However, when she goes to my parents she’ll have homemade vegetable soup, veg lasagne or whatever with the odd biscuit which I’m fine with. I really don’t mind the odd treat but this feels a bit extreme.

I'm not sure if I (or maybe DH) should speak with them about it or whether I should accept that the occasional day there with lots of sugar isn’t the end of the world or worth potentially making things a bit awkward. I suppose I’m worried about the future incase she does end up going more frequently and it’s become habit to just eat these snacks. We also have DS 6 months and I don’t want this to be his experience there in the future either. WWYD?

@GlowGoldenRays I absolutely would take issue with this if it was my parents rather than in-laws. In fact, I could say something like “please stop feeding my daughter so much sugar” without worrying about any sort of rift in our relationship. In-law relationships are trickier and they can be very sensitive.

A few times a month - chill out. It's not everyday. Not worth being stressed about.

It's true you cannot compare the ultra processed food of today with the chocolate/cakes/biscuits of 60 years ago.

It's chalk and cheese. We don't know what the long term effects are either yet.

The main issue is that if you say please dont do x with my child then you don't do it.

May I ask about your relationship with sugar and treats OP? How was it when you were young?

I think you should have a gentle word with them and suggest a more protein filled lunch but please prioritise your DC's relationship with their beloved grandchildren.

I dunno what the right way to approach it is but I totally understand you frustration. My parents are similar and no amounts of requests from me ever stick. My parents see my children for 2-3hrs once a week and during that time will offer things like a large orange juice bottle, packet of crisps, bag of sweets and a lolly. They literally have no limits and will do things like buy a large bag of haribo for them each or a multipack or 20 lollies. They were the same with me when I was a child - I ha milkshake with 5 teaspoons of sugar as breakfast for most of my childhood .

I just stopped trying and as my children have got older tell them that because they eaten so many sugary sweets over the afternoon with grandparents they need other types of foods over the next few days.

Occasionally they have them for a whole day (one at a time) for longer and I know they’ll have fizzy drinks and McDonald’s. The stupid thing is my son in particular just loves any new food- an exotic fruit, fish, sushi etc more that he does the sweet crap. One positive is that he has started saying “no I’ve had enough’…..my daughter on the other hand eats excessively with them.

I just reduce the time they have caring for the children as much as possible

She's there a few days a month, its not going to hurt. If she was there 3 days a week then maybe time to say something but she won't come to any harm eating jam sandwiches!

I'm think you need to chill out about it. It's a few times a month.
Grandparents are supposed to give you the naughty treats and be the fun place to visit. It would be different if it was a daily thing but it's not.

Exactly. Anyone would think the child was being force-fed sugar every day. Do people think sugar has only just been discovered? Grandparents have been giving treats to children for a very long time, it's just today's "prefect parents" who obsess over it. There were people who grew up eating jam sandwiches every day of their life and are still alive and not overweight.

What is so unhealthy hete is reading the word treat for sugar making the child begin to link sugar as a reward or good thing making the food release endorphins whilst they consume them. Food is good no good no bad. Please stop this idea because eating disorders are horrible watching someone you live become someone they aren't and killings themselves at the same time.

No grandparents of school-aged children “survived the war”. I’m 45 and MY grandparents survived the war - it was 80 years ago. Anybody old enough to actually remember it is pushing 90.

If she is there only occasionally I would try and ignore it. Or maybe say the excessive sugar is making her hyper at home? In a couple of years she'll be going to parties every other week with sugar everywhere so as long as she's eating fine at home it's not the end of the world, even though I get you're annoyed about it because I would be too!

My school aged child's grandparent was 11 when the war ended, currently aged 89. Can remember it very well. Many slightly younger grandparents (like my mum) were very small during the war but remember the rationing after. I totally relate to the comment about 'something going in'.

Rationing continued long after the war ended, so children at the time would remember it. I also suspect it would’ve taken a long time for mind sets to change afterwards. My Mum is 80 and still lives with the war spirit, make do and mend etc. Her sister who is only 73 not so much.

Disagree with some of the other replies as well. You should politely talk to them and explain your food choices. These things add up. If they get upset it’s their problem. I used to have lots of ice creams when I was visiting my grandma and ended up with lots of autoimmune problems as an adult. Was it the only cause? Definitely not, but they certainly hurt my body.

Why people just can't communicate anymore?
Tell them that your child isn't a fussy eater so they should feed them with real food and give a snack or two afterwords. You don't need to be judgemental or rude; it's a simple conversation.
Would you say something to a childminder? To a babysitter? Nursery? If yes, than say something here. If you don't want to get into it then just accept it and brush your child teeth well after each visit.

@Tina8800 have you read all the OPs posts, she has ‘said something’ repeatedly and they take no notice.

I would definitely speak to your MIL.

The poor child’s pancreas is having to constantly pour out insulin to cope with all that glucose in the blood. And even if you clean her teeth well at the end of the day, they’ve had all day to be eroded by the waste products of plaque on the teeth.

i think your MIL is being ridiculous.

I don't get the impression OP is obsessing about sugar or snacking, rather the vast extent of it and the consequences for little child's expectations, choices etc
Yes it would be mean to limit visits but is the kid's tastes going to be completely hijacked by this ? Is this what she raised her kid's on? Just the whole concept of constant snacking is a terrible habit to get into. I would totally be stressed by it too.
What about if you're there too? Can you say you're allowed one of granny's special snacks after lunch?

@FootSoreandFamcyFree There is a difference in "saying something" and have a discussion where you come up with a solution.

Op has.
Her in-laws are probably like my parents…totally incapable of saying no to sweets/chocolate and deeply into the need to feed children ‘sweets’.

The question really is what do you do if they continue to ignore your requests.

Exactly

Okay so update…

I did end up speaking with my in-laws. I explained that me and DH have some concerns over DD and sugar as we have found that when she’s given a lot of sugary snacks she asks for them more often (just trying to phrase it politely). I also said that I had made an effort to stop buying items marketed at toddlers so it would be good if we could all stop using them. I said that DD loves a peanut butter or cheese sandwich so there should be no need for jam. I also said DD loves coming to your house etc but it’s important for me to speak up when something is on my mind. I also said I am happy to provide a lunchbox if they find it easier. MIL didn’t say much but basically said they’d still provide lunch. That’s it.

so then a few days later FIL was giving DH a lift somewhere and he said that I had upset MIL and he asked whether it was just them who I had spoken to or whether I’d had the same conversation with my parents (no, because they don’t feed DD an inordinate amount of sugar but DH told them we had also spoken to them to avoid causing offence as FIL has a big comparison thing with my parents) and justified the jam sandwich saying that she’ll have lots of slices of bread if they put jam on it…why does she need lots of slices of bread?!?

so after being made aware of the upset I had apparently caused I invited MIL on a day out at a local farm park. On the way both DC were asleep so I had a conversation with her about the situation. I said that I’m really sorry to hear she’s upset. She insisted she wasn’t upset and tried to shut down the conversation, obviously seeming very uncomfortable. I persisted and talked lots about how much DD loves spending time with them and about how I hate to think I’ve upset them etc. It felt like things had been resolved.

However, I have just visited MIL with DD and when DD asked for a snack, MIL proceeded to offer a large array of snack options (McVities gingerbread men, cadburys animals etc). DD came back with a ‘fruit twist’ which I’d never heard of but looked very sugary. I wondered if perhaps our in-laws were planning on using up everything from the cupboard and then no longer repurchasing but this looked like a new thing so I did say “oh that looks different” and MIL just said that it looks tasty. I have since looked up the ingredients and it is 48% fruit juice, glucose syrup, wheat flour and sugar (and then a bunch of flavourings and emulsifiers).

At the time, I was quite shocked that they have blatantly ignored or have simply failed to understand my requests. It’s as though they’ve replaced a toddler snack with an even worse thing. The fruit twist is just one item among several that DD was offered. I didn’t want to storm in and say “no, you can’t have that” as I don’t want to make a big deal about food in front of DD. I considered mentioning something to MIL then but I was concerned about talking to her when I was feeling quite upset and causing another fallout.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel that they simply have chosen to ignore my concerns. On a separate incident, MIL also gave DD a bunch of grapes that hadn’t been cut. I intervened and grabbed them back saying they must be cut up first. MIL proceeded to say “oh she’ll be alright to have them by now won’t she?” So I explained the risks of toddlers choking etc. I just feel like this is another example of challenging my wishes as a parent rather than simply agreeing with what I have asked.

I don’t know where we go from here. What would you do?

Personally, I’d scale back the number and duration of visits, and substitute them with invites to outings and your home.

Has your MIL ever seen a video of a child with rotten teeth having them removed? There’s a good C4 one.

Agree with PP. have them to your house and cut back on going to theirs a lot. She won’t change.

Their not listening so I’d massively scale back too.

You don’t get to do what you like with other people’s kids you stick to their rules.