WWYD? Grandparents and Sugar

[Sleepysaurus2]

My in-laws sometimes look after my 3 year old DD. It isn’t very frequent and it’s usually when they want to look after her, not from a childcare standpoint. I suppose on average it would be 2 or 3 times a month.

Every time DD goes to their house, she is only fed sugar. I honestly wouldn’t mind the odd treat or two but the whole day is just sugar. They have a cupboard full of ‘toddler’ snacks e.g things like mini gingerbread men, crispy tiddlers, those yo yo things and other similar items. Given the frequency that she goes to their house, I do find it unnecessary for them to have a whole cupboard full of these snacks. DD just asks for constant snacks when she’s there. She is a pretty good eater for a toddler but understandably she finds these items a big temptation when she is there. My DH has previously asked them to only offer her one of these items when she is there and to otherwise offer fruit or similar. They agreed to this but I am not confident they’re following this. There always seems to be a new snack in the cupboard. I find it unnecessary and a bit strange that they keep buying these expensive and nutritionally poor items.

DD was with my MIL today. When I picked her up MIL said she’d eaten all her lunch. I asked what she had and she told me DD had a jam sandwich on white bread (she’ll happily have cheese, ham or peanut butter), a yoghurt ‘and some other bits’. Then when we went to get her things I saw an open pack of French fancies and DD later told me she’d had a chocolate cake (presumably one of the French fancies). She does have bits of fruit when she’s there but every single thing she has is sweet. MIL was very happy to tell me that DD had really enjoyed a yoghurt mixed with jam…DD simply doesn’t need all of this. She isn’t a fussy eater! I used to send her there with a lunchbox similar to one she has at nursery but MIL has told me she prefers to make her lunch herself. This doesn’t make any sense!

It's stressing me out a bit and making me not want to send her there. I let her go there as it’s nice for our in-laws to be included and DD does have a nice time playing there. However, when she goes to my parents she’ll have homemade vegetable soup, veg lasagne or whatever with the odd biscuit which I’m fine with. I really don’t mind the odd treat but this feels a bit extreme.

I'm not sure if I (or maybe DH) should speak with them about it or whether I should accept that the occasional day there with lots of sugar isn’t the end of the world or worth potentially making things a bit awkward. I suppose I’m worried about the future incase she does end up going more frequently and it’s become habit to just eat these snacks. We also have DS 6 months and I don’t want this to be his experience there in the future either. WWYD?

Given how often she goes, I would just accept it. My Mum is the same, I've found as DS had got older he says 'no thanks' as he knows it is too much. If she went more often I would approach differently but given the otherwise healthy diet I would leave it.

Relationships with extended family are only valuable if the family don't undermine the parents and don't harm them. UPF in large doses are harmful. A parent has a right to say they want their child raised a certain way and so long as grandparents aren't massively inconvenienced while providing free childcare, parental wishes (on well-being issues at least) should be respected.

i totally agree. You’ve got loving in-laws wanting to spent time with their grandchildren and that’s been ruined because they gave them sugary treats. Bonkers.

I actually can’t cope with this it’s ridiculous. Supervised visits because grandparents give kids treats? Get. A. Grip.

Exactly Like this.
You dont need to be snippy, or rude, or limit visits as some have suggested. Just compromise and explain.
Its lovely to have treats at nanas, but youd prefer a bit less sweet stuff. Also, GPs may not realise shes happy with other alternatives. They may be of the generation where kids had "kid food" and it was sugary. Like putting jam on yoghurt.
Just talk to them

And any way, A bit of a sugary day now and then isnt life changing

Obesity is also caused by children not being taught to self regulate and growing up as adults who binge eat foods of less nutritious value because it was restricted so much when they were children!!!

If the visits are a couple of times a month this really is not even worth discussing. This amount of sugar (given the rest of her healthy diet) will not kill her. She will not become eternally addicted to sweet things.

Grandparents spoil children. Lots of ours did with sweet treats etc.

I would not mention anything to save the relationship. You just have to let some things slide as a parent.

So ridiculous. My grandparents gave me treats when I visited them nearly 60 years ago, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones. Somehow we managed to survive. I feel so sorry for some of the MILs/GPs posted about on MN.

Totally this 100%, summed up exactly what I was thinking reading the comments. If you have asked politely multiple times there isn’t a lot else you can do other than go for visits supervised only. I don’t understand the obsession some grandparents sometimes have with just going out their way to do the opposite of what a parent has said, especially when it’s an actual health decision. In the case of my toddler it would be a nightmare when I got him back as he’d expect the same at home for the following days

The crispy tillers yo yos and organix gingerbread men do not have sugar in them. They are sweetened with apple juice. The jam sandwich is a bit off.

*tidlers

Grandmother here. I was guilty of this too when my DGDs were little! They would come for the night and we would bake cakes together and have a picnic tea in front of the TV and there were always sugary snacks and biscuits available. Eventually, my DD took me aside and pointed out that I was overdoing it. I was annoyed but only because I knew she was right! Now when they come over - they are 8 and 6 - we have lots of fruit (strawberries, raspberries, melon etc) and have cut down drastically on the sugar. We still bake cakes though because that is what grandmothers do.
Obviously, it’s more difficult tackling MIL without putting her back up - just keep gently reminding her. After all, it’s your child and you are only protecting her health and her teeth.

People don't binge because they were denied treats in childhood. The kind of foods we binge on are actively designed to make us overeat them!
No one ever binges lettuce because they didn't eat it as a kid!

If you can stop your child wanting UPF now, then that can only improve their adult health.
And apple juice is basically sugar - it's had all the fibre stripped out of it.

Whatever happened to the phrase “everything in moderation”? My SiL used to restrict her two from eating any sugar, playing on any tech or from watching any TV for more than half an hour a day.
As they’ve got older (now 11 and 14) society, school, parties etc have introduced these things into their lives and they have essentially discovered what they were missing and gone to extremes and my brother and his wife seem to have completely abandoned any idea of stopping them. They were visiting recently, my mum bought them one of those big hanging bags of sweets each. Half an hour later, my niece asked if there were any more, and they spent the entire weekend absorbed in screens, hardly saying a word to their grandparents who hadn’t seen them since Christmas, while the parents did the same. My dad commented that it was like being in a shop surrounded by mannequins.
My parents weren’t “allowed” to look after them as babies because “they might not do it the way we want”. So now the relationship is quite complicated, then they moved away so now they only see them twice a year.
In your scenario, I would basically sit down and say (lie if you need to) that she’s been to the dentist and they have said can you please make sure that if she has something sweet she has cheese afterwards (better for your teeth than fruit) and also, the odd carrot stick. That way, the grandparents don’t feel like you are questioning their parenting skills, (bearing in mind they brought up your DH who presumably has teeth) and you don’t feel so bad. No way in the world would I cut off contact though. Life’s far too short.

What’s ridiculous is comparing what constituted “a treat” 60 years ago, and now. Your treats were likely made of flour, butter, sugar, eggs, and other whole foods.

Have you looked at labels lately?

I think it’s a battle not worth fighting to be honest. All my kids grandparents would do this, now they have all passed away, but now they have fond memories of going to nanny’s or grandads house and being offered all the nice snacks and treats!

Yeah I’m with you OP.

Your in-laws are being completely disrespectful of your choices, and of your child’s health. I really don’t understand how it is acceptable to give a child junk food.

And it’s not just about brushing teeth as PP said, it’s about maintaining standards so that your child continues to be a good eater at home with a healthy attitude to food. It doesn’t take much to throw off a child, and you understandably don’t want your hard work wasted.

OP this would really bother me too. So I’m on your side of the fence.

my mum is (was) like this and I’ve had to be really firm and she’s cut down loads.

I can see why it’s harder to be blunt and truthful with MILs. We see ours 5 times a year and she’s medium okay with the sugar snacks and I let it go as it’s not often. If it were weekly I would be annoyed

I feel you are completely overreacting.

Just to say I back you up on your stance and how you handled this x

Maybe if you had auger available at home they would refuse the grand parents. My children have a snack cupboard with fruit plain crackers and rice cakes and chocolates and biscuits abs they very rarely pick the chocolate and prefer the fruit and rice cakes. All good is treated equally but they help me cook so understand home made food. We don't have a perfect life (think council flat, and skint) however I'm proud of there understanding of food.

our outlook on food is heavily influenced by my best friend having anorexia caused by her used to binge eat on auger.

life's to short to care this much x

I think your PILs are actually trying hard. The tiddlers and I presume other snacks you referenced are the expensive toddler snacks that are made from ‘natural fruit sugars’. If your children were going several times a week or had weight problems or additional context it would be worth saying something. I think a jam sandwich and toddler snacks a couple of days a month is not the end of the world.
If you feel really strongly about it, perhaps cut back on the occasional biscuit/mini milk you give to compensate, otherwise it reads like you are happy to give ‘treats’ but don’t want anyone else to. Alternatively suggest to GPS they could give the mini milks and biscuits you would give your child yourself and this could be a nice segway into suggesting how many. I definitely wouldn’t compare them to your parents in any discussion, I can’t see how that would be helpful in any way.

Thanks so much for all of your replies. It’s quite interesting how views on this are so split between those who think it’s nothing to worry about and those that think it’s something that definitely needs addressing.

Let it go. If it was 2 days a week I'd be worried but she hardly sees her so just brush her teeth and be grateful she has a good time when she's with her grandma

FWIW (not much) I think it’s worth mentioning. I definitely would. I find it utterly bizarre how people think it’s ok to shovel absolute shit into children’s mouths. It’s not love, it’s actually really selfish. I’m sure you’ll find a nicer way to put it though!