PLEASE HELP! Home falling apart due to in-laws involvement

[2023MNU]

This is going to be very long to make sure I don't miss out any details, so sorry in advance!

In many, many ways, my partner is the perfect person for me. I could tell you 1000 things I admire about him! We have been together for almost 7 years and have a daughter together, as well as his son (my stepson) who lives with us almost full-time (23 days a month), which I was very aware of upon entering the relationship back then and have no issues with - apart from the never-ending shit I endure from his legitimately barefaced and manipulative ex-wife.

We live very, VERY close to his parents, I'd say practically neighbours. They are super lovely, and bar clear language barriers preventing a deeper relationship, we have a good relationship. I genuinely love them and look up to them. I could not imagine better in-laws and am so happy my kids get to learn from and bond with them. They are always happy to help with anything and everything! But their involvement in our lives is too much for me, and I feel very unhappy.

I was always raised to be very independent and have longed for my own family unit as long as I can remember. However, as my in-laws practically raised my stepson when his biological mother chose to no longer prioritise him, and my husband had to work late hours, they stepped in. I deeply commend this and appreciate their special (almost parental) bond with my stepson. However, I have now lived with my partner for years, and I feel they try to hold on to it which interferes with our daily family routines. I would like to just express how I completely understand that it's sentimental for them upon delving into more specifics, so you don't think I'm cold or neglectful of the impact they've had in his life.

However, they keep ALL his clothes at their place, including underwear, which means I have to literally go to their house or call them every time I need clothes for him, which is of course every day may I add. They insist(!) on washing all his clothes, which is of course incredibly kind, but he sees me as his mother and yet I have to ask his grandparents for everything needed for him, which I just find incredibly weird. Also, it's just a hassle for me. I tried to look past this for the better of their relationship and to not hurt anyone's feelings. But they also want to bring food for him every day (and for me as well, even though I've expressed I don't need it), including fruits and vitamins. Even on days they've accepted me providing food for him, they'll still come with fruits etc., even if they can literally see I've already given him fruits. And then they might stay for a chat. They will knock on the door about 6 times a day to help with things - never to be intrusive, only to help with things (like drop off some water or snacks they very kindly decided to get for me) but it SO feels like it nonetheless! Literally, they are in and out of the house at least 3 times a day, sometimes MIL is comfortable walking into our bedroom to get something - I don't know if this is just a personal thing, but that's just a big no no/invasion of privacy for me! They are always in our garden (they have grown herbs there and take care of it daily + need it for their cooking, which preserves our garden nicely, but also means they're always there). They're part of EVERYTHING, even a simple pool-day in the garden, where they will without fail always face-time or invite other family members to join, unless it's out and about in town. And of course, I don't want to be the bitch saying "no, uninvite your family members!" They will look inside our windows as well from time to time to check on the kids. Basically, they're always there. And despite how lovely they are, I know I can't live a life like this.

I understand they will always hold a maternal/paternal role to him, but I feel it's time to "let go", as I feel it's interfering with the way I envisioned I was going to lead a family life. I so crave the feeling of just being a family unit - parents and kids - without the grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I think it's GREAT they've got a strong bond, but this is just too much for me. I don't WANT all the help, and ultimately don't need it. I very much take pride in independence and feel I'm living like a child, depending on them for everything.

I've told them a million times to please not worry and that I'm happy to take care of everything, but they never listen. Either they 1) think I'm just saying it to be nice, 2) perhaps to insist on helping out as he's not my biological child, 3) as they're holding onto the past. All understandable and from a good place. But I can't live like this. So for a long time, I've started "dumping" him on them as I just find it easier than having them in and out all day as I just get in a bad mood which, sadly, reflects on my parenting (which if of course my own shortcoming, I just can't help it).

I'm sure many of you are wondering what my partner is saying. Basically, due to cultural differences and having grown up around more communal family values (which there's NOTHING wrong with, just not something I want for myself), he's on their side. And I'm happy to compromise on some things, but it doesn't seem like that can happen without causing havoc. I've talked to him many times and he says not to worry, they're only doing it to help my life be easier, and that it's good for them to have something to do (for example, clean his clothes and choose outfits, outfits I oftentimes hate btw but that's besides the point). I'm always met with the reminder of THEIR INTENTIONS, which in my opinion is just dismissive of my feelings because I never dispute their lovely intentions, but I just don't want that kind of family dynamic. In heated arguments, he's stated it's good we have them because I'm not "the kind of mother who just gets things done", which is so deeply hurtful because I know I am, I've just decided to let them help with stepson a lot because I AM a mother who wishes to get things done myself and can't stand the in-and-out of house policy, i.e. why I now ask for their help constantly. And that's probably my own fault, making it seem like I'm over-reliant on them, when really, I wish the opposite. Also, I find it offensive as I literally have taken on a full child as my own and have dealt with so much shit because of the biological mum. Not that he doesn't appreciate my help, but in me taking on that role, and stepson loving me so much, I feel I should be able to "act as" his mum and not have to rely on grandparents for that. No?

I entered into this relationship wanting a family unit, which I made clear knowing how closeby his parents live, i.e. a life very much integrated with his parents', however, with clear home boundaries. He, however, also insists he made it clear how integrated he wanted our lives to be with his parents, which I simply refuse to believe because I would never have wanted to live like this. I never expected them to be around so much. Maybe we misunderstood each other entirely back then. Maybe I was naive. So we've simply managed to literally not understand each other's family wishes, and now we're here, unhappy with kids, which just breaks me for the kids' sake. I miss privacy and I'm unhappy. But I also don't want to imagine the heartache a split would cause the kids, making me feel like I should just stay grateful for their help, have happy kids, and keep my mouth.

I'd literally rather all of you say I'm an ungrateful cow and reflect on that, than keep this all to myself. I need some kind of advice or personal opinions from people I don't know, to ensure I get unbiased viewpoints.

Oh dear this update isn’t great. He is NOT on your side, you are not a team. He’s always going to prioritise them, especially basically living in the same house!

I’m Asian and was married into a family like this....it didn’t last long and luckily for me I didn’t have kids with him.

Bahhahaa I guess he didn’t say anything about the clothes issue or never being able to have anyone over without not only the in laws coming but them also inviting others, because it’s all true… ask him ok then so they knock. From now on no one answers the knock, and we are all good. We will put a chain on higher than ss can reach, and I’m keeping some of his clothes in our bedroom with a lock on the door, I have the locksmith coming tomorrwo. Does that sound ok then? since I’m apparently making all this looks worse than it is it should be fine. I’m so happy you’ve finally listened to me, this is the first time in years you’ve acted like you care whether I’m happy! Oh… it’s not ok. So you don’t care. Gotcha. That’s what I thought, you know.

The details don't change anything and aren't anything I hadn't already got from your posts. The first thing that needs to change is the keeping of the clothes. That's no good for stepson and completely inconvenient. I probably wouldn't worry so much about the gardening since it's pretty communal space it sounds like, but I understand that feels like an invasion of privacy. I know I couldn't live like this.

Re word this

This isn’t about his parents interfering it’s about how you feel you life is invaded, agree that they are just trying to help but it isn’t the help you need. Your time is taken up by them constantly and you want to have your own space in your own home - you should be able to chose as and when you have visitors to your own house and if DH wants to entertain his parents in his time he is more than welcome to do so. He does not get to dictate what you do with your time and quite frankly I would tell your DH he can deal with his parents and his son on his time and you will no longer be part of this ridiculous nonsense.

I would also say your mental health is at risk and you are suffering because of three other adults interfering constantly.

He won’t get it until he’s lived it.

The fact they overstep and use your garden to entertain their friends without any thought for your welfare is appalling.

The fact you share a building makes it worse not better - you may as well live with them or send DH and DSS to live with them and you can enjoy some quality time in your own without having to constantly deal with other people.

Not being able to switch off from the crap must be painful.

The only thing your update details is that your DH isn't supportive of you, can't see how bizarre and ridiculous the whole clothes thing is- and highlights how odd HE is for buying a house in the 1st place which is steps away from his parents! He clearly supports them and respects THEM more than you.

Hello DH:

Update changes nothing.

You have an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with your parents and it may cost your wife her mental health and you your marriage.

Very few adults are willing to live like this, with people in their pockets controlling their day to day life. It's not right.

You are very fortunate to have OP who clearly cares for your son and loves you enough to tolerate this intrusion for this long.

The best thing for everyone is to have some boundaries. If you can't make practical and emotional boundaries (ie, taking your sons clothing back, saying 'thanks but no thanks' to the constant well meaning but unnecessary 'help), then you need to take the easier route- which is physical boundaries and distance.

If you can't manage your parents interference then you need to move house.

You need to have a family meeting with DH and in-laws and make it VERY clear that this is intrusive, disruptive and controlling and it must stop immediately. DSS needs to feel like he LIVES at your home and he needs his stuff in his own room. You are perfectly capable of feeding DSS and everyone else and they need to let go and allow everyone to live like a normal family. Of course, DSS can always visit and eat there if he arranges it with both lots of adults, but everyone needs to recognize that this is CONTROL wrapped up in the disguise of unwanted help.

God, fucking brilliant comments coming in right now; not because they align with my personal beliefs as I was up for being challenged, but because they're so logical and perspicuous!!

Also, demand the key back. Let MIL know that this is YOUR house and she can visit when she has made arrangements that suit you.

Oooh, Get your paperwork (The ducks in a row) and leave it all at a friend’s place. Just prior to the meeting, advise DH that you have done exactly this and that his marriage is absolutely on the line if he doesn’t back you up 100%, you’re going to a solicitor
next week.

Your DH sees himself as mother’s son before he is your husband or his children’s father. Which isn’t very attractive.

learn their language, you have a kid together so no matter what happens you need to be able to communicate with his family (and know when you are being disrespected in a pleasant tone from a smiley face. I wonder if they call you The Nanny?)

Actually the upstairs downstairs bit does change things a bit - OP you may as well be living in the same house. If you don't want to do that (and I wouldn't), then it is something big which needs to change. Intergenerational living works for some people. It is not working for you. Pps have suggested small changes to shore up or establish some boundaries. But your husband and in-laws don't see the need and I don't think they would result in the independent living that you desire.
If he's not willing to listen to you, it is time for difficult conversations perhaps using a professional to facilitate.

I hear you @Schoolchoicesucks and agree. God, this situation is complex.

Also, @Totaly, you hit the nail on the head. THANK YOU!

I agree.

Aside from a front door, you are essentially living in a joint family situation.

It doesn’t change anything for me. I would have a really difficult time if anyone came and knocked at my door multiple times every day.

It must feel like you live together though you didn’t agree to it.

There must be ways to make this situation agreeable to everyone. But first he has to acknowledge that your feelings matter!

It is also always going to be unreasonable to keep a person’s clothing in a different home from their own. Adult or child. It’s very dysfunctional and there is absolutely no good reason for it.

They need to move into the role of grandparents and out of the idea that they are his parents.

I also think a regular schedule were DSS stays with them a few days a week could be helpful. They get planned time and everyone knows what to expect. Of course it depends on DSS’s feelings. (I stayed with mine Tuesdays and Fridays for a long time. It was lovely.)

But in South Asian culture they are taking a grandparents role.

My pregnant sil is leaving her intergenerational home with her inlaws to go back to her parents before the baby comes and will stay for her 40 days 'confinement' so the grandparents (and great grandmother) can help with the baby. Then she'll go back to her inlaws, and they will help. And this is a pretty modern, upper class, family.

No, it isn't a British "grandparents role" but they AREN'T British.

The issue isn't the cultural difference, it's that OP appears to have not considered the impact of cultural differences.

It was naive.

There needs to be cultural compromise on both sides.

Agree with pp. Your update makes the situation much, much worse. I don't see a way to have healthy boundaries while you're essentially in the same building - not saying it's impossible, ever, with a different set of participants. But from what you've described there's no turnaround other than by moving, either you as a couple of you and DD.

@Azandme is it really a modern upper class Asian family if your SIL lives with her in laws?

That's a recipe for disaster from what I've witnessed especially once grandchildren arrive.

@Azandme I understand your point. Very aware of home situations like this which is why I (at least I thought) I cleared the air about this beforehand as that’s not how I want to live. I would also argue that I’m the one doing all the compromising though so far and that he should’ve also considered my cultural ideals

I would be very concerned that this ever so mild, ever so nice 70 year old grandparents are actively alienating the boy from his mother.

Was there a dowry involved in the marriage?

Has anything been done to try to ease the estrangement?

You need to dig a lot deeper here than you are digging.

When people couple up across cultures BOTH sides need to understand the cultural differences and compromise. His family need to be told that it doesn't work for you, not because there is anything wrong with them but because it's not behaviours you can live with.

@mathanxiety Trust me, I know everything about that situation as there is to know. I am trusting the evidence, and it was the courts' decision to place stepson with my partner almost full-time, which should say enough. I'm just not willing to divulge anything about that situation as I feel it's unrelated. My in-laws only encourage a relationship with mother (I have seen this firt-hand), but there's nothing you can do when mother does not wish to do more to see him. It's a very sad situation for him, perhaps also why they feel the need to be there for him so much, I don't know. But that marriage has nothing to do with my in-laws and I know that for a fact

You can't change other people. They are who they are, and DH is who he is.
Even if you could get him to counselling with you, it won't change the fundamental dynamic, because it is too deeply and culturally embedded.

You have to decide for yourself, by yourself, how much you can compromise and how much you are willing to tolerate, or not tolerate.
Let go of the dream you had of an independent 'nuclear' family unit, that is never going to happen. Never. (Not with this man).

Recognise that your step-son is not yours. Being a step parent is challenging, as you are not his parent.

Are you willing to stay and attempt to put a few small boundaries in place? Or do you think you will eventually have to separate?

Whilst you ponder the situation and make your decision, and while you watch to see what happens as your DD grows over the next year or so, there are a couple of steps you can and should take immediately:

DSS clothes: get a locking wardrobe with drawers and space for his own laundry basket in the wardrobe. If MIL takes clothes you have bought to stay in his room, go and get them back immediately, laundered or dirty. You have to be very, very firm about this as it is totally wrong for a boy of his age not to have access to his own clothes (you unlock the wardrobe for him whenever he wants, but lock it so MIL doesn't have access). It is bordering on abusive to withhold his clothes from him like this, as will become more and more apparent as he grows.

Your bedroom: get a lock on the door. Lock it every time you go in and out. Never let them go in there. If DH needs to go in there, he comes and asks you to unlock it for him.
Alternatively, if there is a spare room, make that your space - get a lock, put all your clothes and personal stuff in there, and make it your own dressing room and private sanctuary. Go in there and lock yourself in whenever you like, even if PIL are in your home - you don't have to 'host' them when they are virtually living with you.

Everything else you will have to put up with and adapt to, or you end the relationship and move out with your DD.

They're upper class by any standards.

Modern is more complex. By western standards? No. But by Indian standards? Absolutely.

One way isn't more "right" than the other. They're just different.

What would their reaction be if you knocked at their door multiples times a day, walked in with a pile of your clothes and DH’s clothes and said you’re keeping them there from now on?
You could drop off all the household washing, and give a shopping list for fruit at the same time.
Every day for a month.