PLEASE HELP! Home falling apart due to in-laws involvement

[2023MNU]

This is going to be very long to make sure I don't miss out any details, so sorry in advance!

In many, many ways, my partner is the perfect person for me. I could tell you 1000 things I admire about him! We have been together for almost 7 years and have a daughter together, as well as his son (my stepson) who lives with us almost full-time (23 days a month), which I was very aware of upon entering the relationship back then and have no issues with - apart from the never-ending shit I endure from his legitimately barefaced and manipulative ex-wife.

We live very, VERY close to his parents, I'd say practically neighbours. They are super lovely, and bar clear language barriers preventing a deeper relationship, we have a good relationship. I genuinely love them and look up to them. I could not imagine better in-laws and am so happy my kids get to learn from and bond with them. They are always happy to help with anything and everything! But their involvement in our lives is too much for me, and I feel very unhappy.

I was always raised to be very independent and have longed for my own family unit as long as I can remember. However, as my in-laws practically raised my stepson when his biological mother chose to no longer prioritise him, and my husband had to work late hours, they stepped in. I deeply commend this and appreciate their special (almost parental) bond with my stepson. However, I have now lived with my partner for years, and I feel they try to hold on to it which interferes with our daily family routines. I would like to just express how I completely understand that it's sentimental for them upon delving into more specifics, so you don't think I'm cold or neglectful of the impact they've had in his life.

However, they keep ALL his clothes at their place, including underwear, which means I have to literally go to their house or call them every time I need clothes for him, which is of course every day may I add. They insist(!) on washing all his clothes, which is of course incredibly kind, but he sees me as his mother and yet I have to ask his grandparents for everything needed for him, which I just find incredibly weird. Also, it's just a hassle for me. I tried to look past this for the better of their relationship and to not hurt anyone's feelings. But they also want to bring food for him every day (and for me as well, even though I've expressed I don't need it), including fruits and vitamins. Even on days they've accepted me providing food for him, they'll still come with fruits etc., even if they can literally see I've already given him fruits. And then they might stay for a chat. They will knock on the door about 6 times a day to help with things - never to be intrusive, only to help with things (like drop off some water or snacks they very kindly decided to get for me) but it SO feels like it nonetheless! Literally, they are in and out of the house at least 3 times a day, sometimes MIL is comfortable walking into our bedroom to get something - I don't know if this is just a personal thing, but that's just a big no no/invasion of privacy for me! They are always in our garden (they have grown herbs there and take care of it daily + need it for their cooking, which preserves our garden nicely, but also means they're always there). They're part of EVERYTHING, even a simple pool-day in the garden, where they will without fail always face-time or invite other family members to join, unless it's out and about in town. And of course, I don't want to be the bitch saying "no, uninvite your family members!" They will look inside our windows as well from time to time to check on the kids. Basically, they're always there. And despite how lovely they are, I know I can't live a life like this.

I understand they will always hold a maternal/paternal role to him, but I feel it's time to "let go", as I feel it's interfering with the way I envisioned I was going to lead a family life. I so crave the feeling of just being a family unit - parents and kids - without the grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I think it's GREAT they've got a strong bond, but this is just too much for me. I don't WANT all the help, and ultimately don't need it. I very much take pride in independence and feel I'm living like a child, depending on them for everything.

I've told them a million times to please not worry and that I'm happy to take care of everything, but they never listen. Either they 1) think I'm just saying it to be nice, 2) perhaps to insist on helping out as he's not my biological child, 3) as they're holding onto the past. All understandable and from a good place. But I can't live like this. So for a long time, I've started "dumping" him on them as I just find it easier than having them in and out all day as I just get in a bad mood which, sadly, reflects on my parenting (which if of course my own shortcoming, I just can't help it).

I'm sure many of you are wondering what my partner is saying. Basically, due to cultural differences and having grown up around more communal family values (which there's NOTHING wrong with, just not something I want for myself), he's on their side. And I'm happy to compromise on some things, but it doesn't seem like that can happen without causing havoc. I've talked to him many times and he says not to worry, they're only doing it to help my life be easier, and that it's good for them to have something to do (for example, clean his clothes and choose outfits, outfits I oftentimes hate btw but that's besides the point). I'm always met with the reminder of THEIR INTENTIONS, which in my opinion is just dismissive of my feelings because I never dispute their lovely intentions, but I just don't want that kind of family dynamic. In heated arguments, he's stated it's good we have them because I'm not "the kind of mother who just gets things done", which is so deeply hurtful because I know I am, I've just decided to let them help with stepson a lot because I AM a mother who wishes to get things done myself and can't stand the in-and-out of house policy, i.e. why I now ask for their help constantly. And that's probably my own fault, making it seem like I'm over-reliant on them, when really, I wish the opposite. Also, I find it offensive as I literally have taken on a full child as my own and have dealt with so much shit because of the biological mum. Not that he doesn't appreciate my help, but in me taking on that role, and stepson loving me so much, I feel I should be able to "act as" his mum and not have to rely on grandparents for that. No?

I entered into this relationship wanting a family unit, which I made clear knowing how closeby his parents live, i.e. a life very much integrated with his parents', however, with clear home boundaries. He, however, also insists he made it clear how integrated he wanted our lives to be with his parents, which I simply refuse to believe because I would never have wanted to live like this. I never expected them to be around so much. Maybe we misunderstood each other entirely back then. Maybe I was naive. So we've simply managed to literally not understand each other's family wishes, and now we're here, unhappy with kids, which just breaks me for the kids' sake. I miss privacy and I'm unhappy. But I also don't want to imagine the heartache a split would cause the kids, making me feel like I should just stay grateful for their help, have happy kids, and keep my mouth.

I'd literally rather all of you say I'm an ungrateful cow and reflect on that, than keep this all to myself. I need some kind of advice or personal opinions from people I don't know, to ensure I get unbiased viewpoints.

I couldn't live like that.

It seems like you have a strong preference for change rather than walking away.

I wonder would it be worth focusing on the needs of your stepson here and approaching it from that angle.

There are 2 children in the family now and they are being treated very differently. One of them doesn't even have clothes in their own home. As he becomes older, he will notice the difference even more and feel that he is an outsider as he hasn't got the same living situation as you, his sister and his dad.

I think if that doesn't work try couples counselling.

If neither of those options work, I can't see how it's sustainable.

Your stepson must be given the chance to grow up, part of that is responsibility for his belongings. When will it stop, when he's ten? 18? Never? Everyone is letting him down. Now is the time for change, moving from the chaotic early years (make a big show of praising grand parents) to the new normal of a secure, family life with rules, responsibilities and growth.
The grand parents can then be the source of a grandparenting role rather than the grunt work of parenting and you get privacy and a normal life.

Oh my goodness, YANBU. This is way way too much, you are being completely robbed of your privacy and independence. That for me signifies a lack of respect towards you but I'm sure they don't see it like that, from what you say. The trouble is that I think you really need DH on side to make them understand your perspective and that will be difficult if not. But if he refuses I think you should really try to communicate with them as best you can. What about in a conversation in which you're saying for example "Oh, you don't have to take SS's clothes away and wash them," and they say "Oh, it's no trouble!" you say "No, it's okay, I want to do it." And maybe don't even add anything about the fact that his clothes should of course be kept in the house he lives in.. The more excuses and explanations you give, the more they'll counter. I think you need to be much firmer but I can appreciate it must be very difficult with people who are prepared to overstep so much and the fact that you came into an already established dynamic, plus language barriers.

You need to dig deep and put your foot down. You have no choice if you want things to change as I don't see you moving/ splitting up with him.

You can still respect them and the role they have played and establish boundaries.

Maybe start small. Get your step son swimmers and a new Towel and add bits slowly. Hide them somewhere if need be. You have to break the cycle slowly.

I think you should start to think a bit harder. What you believe about his ex is how other will dismiss you. She's right, you are nothing but a nanny. Fight for your daughter. Draw boundaries. This is not the 'nice' but annoying situation you're describing, you're being treated like a slave. I can't get any sense of who you are except you're in a pleaser role, which isn't you and you know it. What are your dreams? Where are you in your life? How does your husband support you? Why are you frightened of sticking up for yourself? What threats has he made about taking your daughter away and you ending up like his ex? I think you're right to come here and ask for help and you should keep on thinking about your options. You can do it. X

Change the locks.

Tell your husband that his son not having clothes at home is neglectful. He shouldn’t be waiting for his clothes to arrive in the morning. Its hugely unfair to him.

What you say is that its not about it being easy for her, it is about it being easy for you and your stepson.
Sur5e, she can easily wash his clothes and keep them, but it is not easy for you to have to go to her house every day to get one single outfit.
His clothes should be in HIS bedroom, where he lives, and not at his grandparents house.

So you need to make it about you and your needs. Not about how it might inconvenience her.

Maybe they can do his laundry, but then you pick it all up and bring it ALL back to your house.
That way theyre not completely removed from the situation, but also dont have his clothes?!?

the clothes thing is rediculous - you need to be really firm.

they sound controlling with that part at least

change your locks and move house long term!

This is insane. No way would I be putting up with this.

So its only your stepson? Have they ever tried to take your DDs laundry or clothes? If you had a son do you think they may treat him more like your stepson than your DD?

Please safeguard your stepson. This is v controlling behaviour. What has your husband seen in life that he thinks this is normal?

Do you work , OP? If you do, or maybe did before DD birth, I would strongly advise you to go back to work and try to get the best job you can. You need to start to make some firm ground for yourself and DD to stand on.

Stripping out all the warm feelings about family and help, the fact is that you live in a house your husband owned before you met him ( if he does own it, I bet that if you divorced you would find that actually some complicated family set up owns it, and that none, or very little, of the asset would be available to you .

You are looking after your husband’s child, or rather his family’s child, because your MIL seems to have a completely free hand in his upbringing. The clothing situation is frankly bonkers, I think that letting quite an old child run about the house naked waiting for his grandmother to bring some garments is verging on abuse. How old does he have to be before he is allowed access to his clothing?

At the risk of being screamed at with the r word, there are some cultures where the daughter in law is at the bottom of the pecking order, pretty much expected to be a servant or at least servile. Your DH doesn’t seem to have any problems with your situation, in fact, it sounds as if he enjoys it.

This is not tenable long term for you and your DD.

If you not married and not adopted him you have zero parental responsibility for this child
Just leave him with the gps
Or let his dad sort it

I could tell immediately too

What's so wrong with them wanting to help out? Also, it's nice for them to have something to do, and they been an extra set of parents to him"

Well here’s your answer - take all of your DHs possessions and give them to GP’s then he can go and get his outfit for the day every evening or morning and GPS can come and get his washing and iron and store them -

See how inconvenient it would be for him!!

Do it. I dare you.

So your stepson must be what 8 years old or more? And he walks round naked when nanny and grandad don't allow him access to his clothes? And you and your partner enable this? What will happen when he tells the teacher he's not allowed any clothes unless his grandparents agree it?

Do you really want this to change OP? You seem quite resigned to it, going on about how "lucky" you are but no one on this thread sees it as "luck"!

Please tell me you are married, you're not just living with your DP - in his house, that he owns? Do you work?

To those people saying "this is not normal" - not in non Asian British culture, no, but absolutely normal in many South Asian and British Asian families.

It's a cultural difference, not an abnormality.

My DP grew up in a joint family in India. In one home there were his paternal grandparents, his parents, him and his sister, his paternal uncle and aunt and two cousins.

On marriage his sister moved in with her inlaws.

This level of involvement may not be normal in UK culture, but for Op's inlaws and DH this IS completely normal.

Tbh I'm surprised this wasn't discussed waaaay before marriage along with all the other issues that come with a cross cultural relationship.

Could I live like this? No. That's why we live 4500 miles from DPs family.

I’d start talking to Dh about moving and say I think I’ll be moving with or without you because you do not listen to me. I like the idea about inviting a friend around and have them take all his stuff etc. take all dhs clothes and say you can go get some at hers every morning DONT YOU SEE SHES TRYING TO HELP? DO YOU NOT FEEL FUCKING HELPED??
your husband is not kind or caring, but have you not managed to respond I don’t feel helped! I feel trapped and miserable. I feel like my house is not my own and my life is not my own. I hate this I hate it I hate it. I hate people walking into my house several times a day, I hate people thinking I can’t feed my stepchild, I hate he has no clothes here, I hate that your family are invited EVERY time we have people over, I am miserable. And you are choosing for me ti be miserable because you do understand. If you thought about it for 10 seconds you would hate my family at every single thing we do. You don’t care whether I’m angry or miserable, so that’s why I will have to move house.

moving house is always possible.

It is not normal for a child’s clothes to live at another house such that he has to wait for them every morning.

I would lock his clothes in a cupboard.

I would talk to DP and let him know that this must stop now. Stop using them for child care. Get the locks changed and don’t let them in. If DP won’t do this you need to make it difficult for everyone. Don’t ask for clothes, let dss stay in his pjs. Put a chain lock on the doors so you can have some privacy while at home. Let DP be the one that is having to make sure dss has what he needs from in-laws. You are letting them treat you like this, so they will. Make it hard for all of them. Occasionally let dss miss out on something because he doesn’t have clothes. Make sure he they all know how sad dss was not going to … because he had nothing to wear.

You need to learn the language your in-laws speak too.

I wouldn’t let on I was learning it on duolingo, either. But I’d like to understand what they said about in their first language!

I can imagine a scenario where your husband did explain he wanted his parents to stay involved. You might have rightfully assumed this meant a midweek dinner and a standing appointment to spend Sunday’s together . He envisioned your current lives.

I would make it clear to him that the current setup isn’t working for you. It makes caring for your stepson too complicated. There are two paths forward. Either he lets you take charge and organize things efficiently or he steps in and handles childcare himself.

Even if we are to accept the high level of involvement and close living as a normal cultural difference for OP's DH's family, the clothes at GP's home is a real issue. It won't be long until the son doesn't want to run around naked in the mornings, until his clothes arrive. He's getting a bit old for that now. I couldn't live with this either, but not my cultural norm either.

I couldn’t live like this, you all need to talk.
in the meantime, put a lock on a cupboard or wardrobe and keep clothes in there.
Put chains on your doors, to stop her walking in.
I would have my doors locked from the start.

OP, does it seem like they want your stepson to live with them instead? I’m wondering if they really want to carry on raising him but aren’t sure if they can broach the subject. That could explain the utterly bizarre behaviour surrounding his clothing I guess.