Friend fallen out with me over CIO

[ART2022]

I don’t know if I should post this in a different section but I’m after a bit of advice.

A close friend and I had babies at the same time, both ftm. My friend decided to do CIO with her daughter as she was really struggling with sleep, which I totally understand. It worked for her and her daughter usually sleeps through the night. However she recently told me she doesn’t ever go in and check on her if she cries in the night as she doesn’t want to go into the room in case her daughter wants picking up. Instead she puts headphones in and goes back to sleep. She said sometimes takes an hour for her daughter to stop crying. She asked if I thought this was ok and I said personally, I thought that CIO was to help a baby learn to fall asleep, which her daughter has got the hang of and since they don’t use a monitor either, I would worry that there could be something wrong e.g. bumped head on the cot or poorly and she wouldn’t be aware.

My friend was really upset and now whenever she has a few drinks she brings it up again. I don’t know if I’m just being over the top cautious being a first time mum and next time it comes up I should just say it’s fine? I feel awful that I’ve made her feel bad but I only gave my opinion when asked and I only have my limited experience to draw upon. I don’t want to ask other friends with babies for advice because we all know each other and I don’t think that’s fair.

YANBU

It’s really none of your business what other parents do. Would you want her critiquing your choices as a parent? There’s no perfect choice

She asked your opinion. And I totally agree with what you've said.

@Peony654 but what do you do if someone directly asks your opinion?

OP; I think I would have said the same as otherwise you’re forced to lie. If she didn’t want to hear what you thought then she shouldn’t have asked. If she asks again I’d probably say that it seems like she was upset by what you said last time and it might be better not to discuss it.

This.

She asked if you thought it was ok, she's unreasonable to get annoyed at your answer.

I agree with you btw. I'm not anti sleeping training, and did controlled crying with my DDs. But I wouldn't just ignore a child who has woken up crying in the night, and I don't think most people who do CIO would do this either without even checking on them.

Actually I do think it is other people's business if it's harmful to a vulnerably child. Plus her friend directly asked her if she thought it was ok.

OP, I agree with you. You don't need to pacify her and tell her it's fine. It isn't.

Normally it’s a backfire to give your opinion to others but she asked you.

I would find it incredibly distressing to hear a mother let her baby cry for an hour in the middle of the night and didn’t go to them! My baby needed me (wet the bed, sick, temperature, itchy eczema) and the idea I would have just left him is awful

She asked you, you answered (and I agree with you). She is being childish if she isn't able to cope with hearing solicited opinions that differ from her own.

Me too.

This is a stupid comment, the friend asked for an opinion. If OP doesn’t want other peoples opinions she won’t ask for them.

Plus this is a boarder line neglectful choice, which is everyone’s business.

I had to google CIO as I hadn't heard of it.

Yes parents can make individual choices about raising their infant but I personally think it's absolutely vile and your description of her putting headphones on is sickening to me.

I couldn't be friends with a callous individual like that but I'm from a different generation and we probably did things that modern mothers wouldn't like.

I wouldn't ignore a crying baby by putting on head phones . The baby might be in distress. You don't know what's wrong unless you check on baby. I seriously hope this doesn't backfire badly on your friend

If she's as 'good' a friend as she is a mother, I wouldn't worry about falling out with her. Poor baby.

I think it's crazy some people would choose not to go to comfort their kids when they cry for an hour (!). Would she do the same to her OH if they cried for some reason during the night? Wtf is wrong with some people, seriously.
And no, I don't think you should lie next time just to make your friend feeling better. She needs to take care of her kid. I'm sorry, but that's neglect on her part, letting the poor baby cry for such a long time.

Heartbreaking, she's neglecting that poor child.

If your friend is too sensitive to deal with an opinion she does not agree with, she shouldn't ask for them.

I also agree with you.

Exactly this, my now 3 year old would have and sometimes still does, wake for any of these reasons, a wet bed needs sorting, wet clothes changing. Could be any reason and she's just ignoring the child? Personally I think that's just cruel and selfish.

There is sleep training and then there is your child waking in the night (and there are many reasons this could happen) and ignoring them which isn’t a parenting choice it’s neglect.

Your friend is awful. My friends friend did something similar and her toddler was sick in the night. He didn't bother crying because he'd learnt that no one would come so had to sit covered in his own vomit for what must've been hours because when his parents finally came to find him in the morning it was all dried in. Absolutely shit parenting imo. My baby was a horrendous sleeper but I could just never ever do that. My children know I am always here for them.

A friend once had a falling out with me because I didn't agree with something she did with her baby and I wasn't going to nod along and pretend I thought it was ok, when actually I thought it was cruel. Personally I could not bring myself to nod along when I really didn't' agree with her. It doesn't matter what the thing was, what matters is I felt I had to be 'true to myself' and couldn't lie to her, even if that resulted in a falling out. So, in your situation, I'd probably just change the subject if she brings it up again or say 'I don't think we should discuss it, let's move on', as I wouldn't be able to lie.

Sleep training and C-I-O methods are controversial.

Personally I have been more of an "attachment" parent so I'd co-sleep within reason or sing, cuddle, or read a baby to sleep at any hour of the night. I'd do anything to comfort my babies.

The thought of lying listening to a baby screaming for over an hour gives me chills and I would have strong opinions on that if a friend admitted that's what they were doing.

I mean, she did ask for your opinion, and you gave it!

Personally, this makes me feel bad on a really deep, fundamental level. I believe that every family, and every parent/child relationship will find what works for it, and it'll look different for everyone, but leaving an infant to cry for over an hour just feels instinctively wrong to me. They're literally still physiologically and psychologically attached to their mother at this young age. They need that closeness, security and the hormones that creates! That baby will simply be feeling completely abandoned. They have no way of rationalising that they're safe and that mummy is nearby. They will just be feeling alone. It's enough to make me cry.

However she recently told me she doesn’t ever go in and check on her if she cries in the night as she doesn’t want to go into the room in case her daughter wants picking up. Instead she puts headphones in and goes back to sleep

I think this is actually bordering on neglect. What if the child is in pain or has vomited or something else? I remember once going in once to check on my child, she wasn't even crying, and she was covered from head to toe in vomit. I lifted her and gave her a bath, fresh bedding etc. I can't imagine never checking on a child through the night.

Leaving your kid to cry for anything more than a few mins without checking on them is just plain wrong. Controlled crying is a perfectly legit approach but nowhere does it ever say just put earphones in and ignore your kid until they just sob themselves to sleep. Evil cow.
She asked your opinion and she’s getting defensive because she knows you’re right, if she was secure in her choices then she wouldn’t be upset or defensive when someone disagrees (especially after asking!)

She sounds like a bit of a twat to be honest.