Friend fallen out with me over CIO

[ART2022]

I don’t know if I should post this in a different section but I’m after a bit of advice.

A close friend and I had babies at the same time, both ftm. My friend decided to do CIO with her daughter as she was really struggling with sleep, which I totally understand. It worked for her and her daughter usually sleeps through the night. However she recently told me she doesn’t ever go in and check on her if she cries in the night as she doesn’t want to go into the room in case her daughter wants picking up. Instead she puts headphones in and goes back to sleep. She said sometimes takes an hour for her daughter to stop crying. She asked if I thought this was ok and I said personally, I thought that CIO was to help a baby learn to fall asleep, which her daughter has got the hang of and since they don’t use a monitor either, I would worry that there could be something wrong e.g. bumped head on the cot or poorly and she wouldn’t be aware.

My friend was really upset and now whenever she has a few drinks she brings it up again. I don’t know if I’m just being over the top cautious being a first time mum and next time it comes up I should just say it’s fine? I feel awful that I’ve made her feel bad but I only gave my opinion when asked and I only have my limited experience to draw upon. I don’t want to ask other friends with babies for advice because we all know each other and I don’t think that’s fair.

Thank you for the responses. I feel reassured that I should stick to my guns. I do think my friend has struggled with bonding with her baby and your replies have encouraged me to try and offer support in the most non judgmental way possible.

Pah to non judgment. She’s neglecting her child. She needs to know that.

She asked the ops thoughts

She asked. You answered. She's being unfair.

She asked her whether she thought it was ok, so she made it her business. What was OP supposed to do lie?
OP you have done nothing wrong she asked you and you gave her an honest opinion. If she didn't want to know she shouldn't have asked
I also think you are 100% correct. Leaving a baby to cry for an hour is wrong.

The "none of your business" people scare me. This is how neglected and abused children end up flying under the radar. Distressed child cries for hours at night? None of our business. Child showing signs of physical abuse? None of our business. Child stops turning up at school? None of our business. Child ends up dead due to neglect or abuse? "This is an outrage why didn't anybody speak up??!!" 🤷

Because it’s child abuse

She is neglecting her child, no non judgmental way of putting it, reading this had made me feel uncomfortable!

Send her this thread!
And if she never speaks to you again, not the end of the world!

It's tough. I didn't find controlled crying worked. It does for some, but not all. It's not ideal to ignore her crying for an hour. Your friend must be exhausted and this is her solution. You were right. She's feeling bad about it as she can't cope with getting up.

Quite - there may not be perfect choices but there certainly are shit ones

I still use a baby monitor and mine is 4!

Yep. My son was ignored like this by his birth mother, even now he never cries or seeks any help in the night. If he has been ill in the night he stays in bed in silence until we go in in the morning, he’s eight years old. Its sadly fairly common behaviour to continue in children who have been neglected in this way.

Yanbu

Sleep training is about teaching kids that if they wake and they're in bed, they can go back off to sleep without needing to be rocked/fed etc

It doesn't mean they shouldn't ever need an adult in the night. What if he'd been sick on himself or had a bad dream etc