Is having 2 kids close together a nightmare?

[Zoe1023]

Hi all. I currently have a 6 month old baby, my husband is keen to have 2 close together as he reckons it will be better in the long run and easier to get it out for the way (not for me, I don’t think!).
I’m thinking of getting pregnant again when my baby is 1, but am terrified having 2 close together will be too difficult. Despite the sleep deprivation I’m loving being a mum and have felt it isn’t as ‘bad’ as everyone told me it would be.

However I hated being pregnant and felt miserable throughout. I don’t think I can face another pregnancy (I had terrible nausea and sickness up to 20 weeks last time) with a toddler too, the mum guilt is already there as it is. I’m worrying about leaving her to go back to work which I’m trying to work on.

My sister and I are 18 months apart so I know how lovely it is from their perspective, but I’m selfishly thinking of myself. I think deep down I’d rather wait a couple more years but then sometimes think I should just get it all out of the way? My husband is hands on but I feel very consciously that as mum the burden is always on you.

Sorry for rambling.. really I’m just looking for honest accounts from a mum’s perspective of what it’s like to have a two year age gap/if you waited and what that was like too. Thanks x

We have 2 years 9 months between our two and I honestly love it. We are planning the same gap between 2 and 3 as now mine are 4 and almost 2 they are so close and it’s just a lovely gap! I felt recovered and dd1 was sleeping well and well out of nappies.

There’s 18 months between mine. They’re 3 and 4 now. It was really hard for the first 12-18 months. My first didn’t walk until 15 months so it was hard to carry a toddler everywhere. I also got pregnant with number 2 not long before covid appeared so I think all the lockdowns made it extra hard, especially as DH had to work a lot during that time. And both were reflux babies, until the age of 2.

My body didn’t have a chance to recover during pregnancies (I had HG in both!). I didn’t feel like I got my health back until the youngest was 2, but covid also took its toll on me.

That said, I absolutely love parenting now - since the youngest turned 18 months or so. They are inseparable, and lots of fun. They’re both in preschool together and life is so much easier. I can focus on my career again too. Even though it was hard, I’d still choose this age gap again.

I think definitely go with your gut. It is so personal and everyone’s so different.
I never understood the “the next baby just slotted in” thing that many parents say. My 3 are lovely but NONE of them just slotted in - they all have pretty strong and distinctive personalities. I don’t really understand the sentiment? I’m not a very breezy person though so maybe that’s it!
people love to generalise too about age gaps and closeness. A two year gap doesn’t guarantee a good friendship. I have a 3 and a half year gap between my two eldest and they are great friends as their personalities just work well together. It was six years before the next came along and she is very close to her brother despite the big gap, she adores him and he loves looking after her, making her laugh and playing with her , not that he does this all the time, but they have a very sweet relationship.
I would’ve found it so stressful having to give attention to my two year old while also having a newborn to deal with, I think I would have seriously cracked up. Other mothers seem to take it in their stride and while they find it tiring, they cope. I had a No Way sense about a second until my first was 3 years old and I was right (about myself - plenty others have a small gap and enjoy it). Definitely know yourself and listen to your gut!

My two are just over two years apart and my goodness it was hard for the first few years, but once the youngest turned 2.5/3 it's become so much easier. They play brilliantly together 99% of the time and are really great friends.

I do think we got quite lucky though as a few of my friends who have similar gaps don't say the same!

I have 2 under 2, they're 16 months apart. It's draining and exhausting and I'm really struggling to enjoy it right now. Not least because the cost of double nursery fees combined with the CoL increases that have crept up in the last year or so mean that I now might not be able to go back to work. Not that I love my job or anything, but the idea of being at home permanently with the two of them makes me worry I might actually lose my mind. Currently (only just) hanging on in there for the magical days everyone talks about in the future where they'll be super easy. I hope it come soon.

My eldest and middle child have 20 months in between them. That felt a good gap.

Mine are 13 months apart. Hard for the first year although we didn’t know any difference. A blessing/ so much fun once the little one could walk, get rid of nappies, drop naps etc. around 18-24 months. We kind of babied the big one and hurried along the little one so by aged 2&3 they were very much like twins.
absolutely go for it, it’s brilliant. I worked 4 days a week in a busy job & used nursery and my mum (2 days) and my day off once they were 1 & 2…

13 month age gap. Like PP have said it was HARD in the baby/toddler years but now it's so so easy.

I could have written this! 13 months apart. First year really tough but gets so much better after that. I couldn't imagine going back to sleepless nights and nappies after 4 years or so. Love that I got all that out of the way quickly!

I have just under two years between mine. The last couple of weeks of pregnancy were tiring and there have been some difficult moments (I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been rocking a toddler through a tantrum and a colicky baby at the same time… not fun), but overall I love it.

The jump from 0-1 was far harder than going from 1-2 for me. Some of it is just because I’m already used to being a mum, but the fact that my baby adores his big brother definitely comes in handy too!

I had a gap of two years and a month between mine. The pregnancy with my second was awful, I was really sick through it all and it was very hard (and guilt-inducing) managing an 18 month old instead of just being able to go to bed. If you're likely to have a tough pregnancy I would say either wait until your bigger one can go to nursery to give you a break or else make sure you have family support available to help you get through the pregnancy part.

Saying that, once number 2 was born, although the sleep deprivation is rough and two small kids is hard work, it was the right choice for us as we got the nappy and toilet training etc years out of the way asap and our two are great pals now with similar interests and abilities. Oldest has no memory of times before the youngest was born either when we were just getting through a day at a time.

Yes it is a nightmare, but only for the first three years.

I'm currently pregnant- my second will arrive as my first turns 2.
One thing I didn't expect was this pregnancy has gone FAST compared to the first, probably because I haven't really had time to sit and dwell on it!
It feels like it's just whizzed by where the first one dragged

I had an easy first baby and even then I couldn't face the idea of another until she was 2 years 3 months! Suddenly I thought "now I can handle a baby". Nice to have them close together though.

Mine are 3 years and 8 months apart, ideally it would have been closer to 3 years but that's life for you. There's no way I could have handled another baby when my first was very small, she was a very demanding baby, appalling sleeper, silent reflux for absolutely ages and very very clingy. We also had a very tough start so I wanted to make sure I could give her as much attention as she needed which turned out to be an awful lot! She's a delight at four years and her relationship with her one year old sister is a joy. I think it all depends on the personality of your first baby and how well they sleep!

We have 20 months, and I've found it quite hard. Given the choice again, I'd aim for a 3 year age gap. The financial struggle of having two children in nursery (the free hours aren't free) is tough. It was also not pleasant having two kids in nappies and I always felt like I spent half of my time in the toilet doing changes whenever we went anywhere. I also just felt guilty that I couldn't give my oldest my full attention. It's getting easier though now that my youngest is coming up for 2. They have similar interests and my youngest spoke early so they can communicate. For the most part they sleep well. Life is less stressful. Whatever you do make sure your partner will step up! I did all the night feeds with baby whilst their Dad got up at 5 30 every day with the toddler and did the nursery run when needed. This was until about 6 months. There's no way I could've done both.

My oldest 2 are 12 months apart then my third was 3 years later and fourth 4 years after that. It was hard with the first 2 and making sure that my first had a proper sleeping routine before the second one arrived made it easier at nights. but they seem to get on well even now at 19 and 18 years old. Where my 15 year old isn't as close to them. My second was due before my first 1st birthday I didn't want to be in hospital for the 1st birthday but luckily the 2nd was 12 days late.
I wouldn't changed it now.

Sal

Personally I think it's highly selfish to have children very close together in ages, unless you're in your late thirties/early forties and even then.. Most unfair on the older child who then had to spend the rest of their life being "good" and neither child gets the full age appropriate attention they deserve. Two to three years gap at least

I'm v v v early pregnant and have a 19 month old..., we were ready to start trying when she was 10 months but because of a big holdiay and a couple of other reasons decided to wait until she was 18 months. I'm glad we waited and I think the age gap will be lovely- will be 2 and 4 months.

I really don't get the issue of having 2 in nappies? I'd rather do 2 in nappies than running to the toilet for a wee/ poo with my child all the time. I'm changing one nappy I may as well do 2? And that's coming from someone who has to chase a kid around to put it on so its not like it's easy I just think it's easier than taking her to the toilet several times a day

I really don't get the issue of having 2 in nappies? I'd rather do 2 in nappies than running to the toilet for a wee/ poo with my child all the time. I'm changing one nappy I may as well do 2? And that's coming from someone who has to chase a kid around to put it on so its not like it's easy I just think it's easier than taking her to the toilet several times a day.

@pambeeslyhalpert2 LOL at this... You seriously must love changing nappies 😂🤣

@Happyinmyowncompany I hate it she's a nightmare but I can't bear the thought of waiting for half an hour while she sits on the toilet trying to have a poo. I'd much rather just change her nappy once she's done 😂

I’ve done all combinations of age gaps (and see friends do same) and would say it really depends on the children and the support you’ve got available. As for them getting on together, I’ve found that it depends more on their personalities than anything else but the 2 year gap means they are at similar stages so that helps a lot. I would about a 3 year gap probably about the best balance all round

My body was perfectly healed after a year and I have 20 month gap, perfect for me.

17 month age gap between mine. I coped fine when they were baby’s who needs sleep anyway . Husband worked a lot if hrs but still wasn’t a problem . where I went they went and you just get on with it. I found the hard bit once they were at high school . I found Toddlers a doddle compared to teenagers . Got with your gut on this one then do your best. I don’t regret having them close but sometimes I think would it have been nice to have more time with each on there own instead being so busy plus double buggy was a nightmare 😃😀

My two are 17 months apart. Incredibly hard in the early days but on the whole it's been wonderful. We were lucky that there wasn't really any jealousy from the older one. He adapted really well and just got on with the new dynamics. They are great friends now and are going through stages and interests at similar times which makes life easier.

If I had the chance of a do-over, I think I'd keep the age gap the same. But I'd make sure my partner wasn't such a lazy arse and contributed more to the childcare as I did the vast majority of everything on my own (night awakenings etc) and the resentment from that has had lasting consequences for our marriage.