To defer a bright child

[Clairebear231]

My son has always been bright, potty trained early, good speech from a young age etc I have never had any concerns. He is due to start school this September at 4 years and 2 months. All professionals say he is capable and ready....but I've recently found out I can defer him starting until next year when he will 5 years and 2 months giving him a big advantage throughout his school career.
My DH is very against this and feels he will be fine in school but I don't want him to be just fine I'd like him to excel, I'm also worried he will struggle being one of the youngest both academically and socially.
What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone not deferred a bright child and then regretted it or vice versa?

I may be missing something as deferring wasn't a thing when I was in school but won't it look odd to his classmates that he's over a year older than some of them? It that were me I'd assume he'd been held back a year for some reason which surely wouldn't make him appear brighter if that's what you're going for. The opposite if anything.

The idea of deferring so he excels doesn’t actually make sense.

If Op thinks him going to school with younger kids gives him an advantage. If Op thinks her child needs to be compared to children at a disadvantage to him, to excel the she doesn’t think he is that bright.

And it’s not really excelling if it’s only compared to children who have a (as the op sees it) a disadvantage.

There is a risk, that if her ds is bored he will start misbehaving and end up not excelling anyway.

I really don’t get this

In Scotland deferral is much more considered the norm as we dont have reception but also the age element is a bit different. I have a Jan child who could go into school this Aug at 4 years and 6 months but is being deferred a year so will be 5 years and 6 months.

For us it's not would he cope with the first stages of primary but all the stages after the social aspect of being the youngest in the year especially transition to secondary school. The pressure of exams etc etc.

I have multiple friends who are primary school teachers who have all said deferral is best and gives them a extra year to gain better skills. I also don't know a single parent who has deferred and regretted it but have multiple parent friends who didn't and now do due to later stages and the difficulties starting to show

Your posts don’t have a single justified reason to defer. You have a bright articulate child who is mature, confident, meeting milestones early, fits in with his peers, is also the same size in terms of stature to those starting school. What perceived advantage is there to making him do an extra year of nursery? He will be bored for a whole year and likely repeating lots of what he has already achieved.

Going by your September born example - I have an autumn baby who was ready for school a year early. The last year of nursery wasn’t great for them - they had spent the penultimate year with children going onto reception and achieved everything they did but had to stay for another year because of age (Montessori so mixed ages for final 2 years). Thankfully a couple of teachers spent time and effort doing 1-1 work on fine motor skills, literacy, maths etc which stopped them from being completely bored. They had achieved all EYFS goals by the time they finished nursery and we ended up going private for schooling because I didn’t trust our local state to stretch them

The differences in age even out by later primary - why would you want them behind for their entire schooling when they are already ready to go?

Completely agree with this. Holding back a child who is bright but socially immature and would have difficulty sharing, waiting their turn, sitting nicely etc - perfectly reasonable arguments to be made either way.

Holding back a socially-adept child so they look clever compared to the babies - probably counterproductive if they are actually bright, and just a bit pointless if they are an average PFB.

But Op doesn’t want to be somewhere where it’s the norm.

The reason she wants to do it, is to give her child (as she sees it) and advantage over the other children.

If it was the norm, that advantage wouldn’t be an advantage.

@Kiwiandstrawberries my sister and a few of my best friends are end of June/July babies and this was a none issue re socialising.
Im finding more and more 18 year olds aren't bothered about going to the pub and going out drinking alcohol.
So deferring as when they're 17 they MIGHT want to go to the pub isn't a reason to defer.

I'd recommend you check out the flexible school admissions for summer born children face book group.
Loads of good advice there.

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond I’m not sure what button I pushed that has prompted you to be so sarcastic. Perhaps that’s just your nature. Anyway, if you read my post you’ll see that I cited several examples of occasions in which being the youngest has been hard. I am simply stating the facts as I have experienced them, with my son. From his first day at school as a 4 year old, to his final summer before university, being the youngest has been a pain for him.

OP wanted opinions, and as the mother of a summer-born boy who has just finished school, I think my opinion is fairly valid.

If all professionals think he's ready why would you hold him back?
My son is the opposite and born 3rd of sept so won't start until he's 5 this year. I really wish he'd started last year. Although he'd have been the youngest of born a few days earlier I think he'd have been fine. He's so ready now.

Statistically being older gives you a small academic advantage. But there are other factors that may mean that it’s is not an advance or even a disadvantage for your son. No one can guarantee you what the outcome would be. I think it’s a little alarming that you are so focused on a possible academic advantage and not worried about social or other implications.

She also raises valid concerns about struggling socially and potentially academically.
Deferral should be considered with what is best for that individual child and as a parent that is deferring we have taken into account various aspects.
Academically my DS would not struggle in early years primary but its not just about early years its about their entire school life. In my sons case he has lots of friends but he is a follower and also gets upset easily if he can't do something first time. So it's also about resilience building for him.

It's also been shown in research that the youngest are more likely to struggle academically if the summer born (or in Scotlands case Jan/Feb born as majority start school at 5) then their peers.

OP if you have any friends who are primary teachers then I suggest speaking to them.

It's not nice to be the odd one out. If you defer, your son will always have to explain that his mummy sent him to school a year later. It's embarrassing when you are in your teens.

The attainment gap between September born and summer borns disappears around year 4/5, I know as I have a September baby. She was actually glad when her peers caught up as she had been bored.

The girl who was deferred in my son's class could not cope with others catching up, she had been the super star for all those years, it shook her coonfidnec to see others were brighter or just as bright. Her parents thought they had a gifted and talented dc at their hands. No, she was just like any smart and supported child, doing well but with the advantage of being older than her peers.

It would be cruel told your son back a year, if he is as clever as you say he is. Not sure what potty training has got to do with being academic though.

She doesn’t raise valid concerns. Assuming something about an individual child based on age, isn’t a valid concern. Saying ‘I think may son may struggle because it suits me wanting to defer him’ isn’t valid.

Professionals and her husband think he will be fine. His other parent disagrees that he isn’t ready. She is assuming there could be social difficulties because of his age. Not based on anything about the child. it’s not a given.

Leaving his friends also has a chance of causing social issues.

You are choosing it because it suits your child. There’s nothing in the op that suggests it suits her child. It’s about her made up assumption he would excel if she did this. That’s not a given either.

The research regarding age, isn’t definitive as you can’t predict outcomes for kids that haven’t happened. So no one knows what that’s child’s individual outcome would be, had the opposite happened.

why would I speak to primary teachers? My children are older than primary. Ones a July born adult.

I'm English but have lived in Scotland for years, both my kids are in primary school. If you look at the Scotnet boards you will get a much more balanced view on this subject as it is a normal thing for parents to consider. For most people it's not necessarily the academic but the social maturity when they are in secondary school.

I only know one teacher who doesn't think deferral is wise, she didn't defer her kids and as far as I know doesn't regret it, but I have a number of other teacher friends who think deferral is the way to go.

Please reread the post.....😉 quite clearly says OP.....original poster regarding speaking to primary teachers.

The OP states in her opening post she is concerned he may struggle socially and academically later on being the youngest and yes these are completely valid concerns! It's her child at the end of the day her husbands concerns are valid which would be for further discussion. Most professionals unless there is ASN or learning difficulty will state they are ready that doesn't mean deferral isn't beneficial. It's for the parents to decide and they know their child best.

OP as someone above suggests go and read the Scotsnet forum about deferral it's much more balanced and the type of things you should consider involved in your choice (that's original poster again original poster....)

I’d defer in your situation. But I’m in Scotland where it’s easier and more normalised. I deferred my DS's so they were 5y 9m when they started and there’s never been a downside. My youngest did get a little bored at nursery ant first but the teachers noticed straight away and made sure to get him engaged and he loved every minute.

Mine are now 15 and 18 and making course choices and exams a year later and having that maturity has been so beneficial.

Wow I wasn't expecting so many responses, thank you so much for taking the time and the (mostly) kind advice.

We are based in Northern Ireland and the option to defer was only introduced last year when DS had already been allocated his first choice nursery placement, had I known I would be feeling this way I probably should have deferred then. It's not the norm at the moment in N.I but I would say over the next few years more people will take up this option.

It was nice to hear such positive stories about both options. I think people have misunderstood me saying "excel" I simply want my DS to achieve his best and enjoy learning like I did.

I just used potty training as an example I know it doesn't equate to intelligence, just to show he is independent and has reached his milestones.

He is bright but would probably struggle a bit socially, so whether the extra year would help with that or perhaps make it worse as he won't be moving up with his peers I don't know.

I appreciate everything everyone has said and it seems the majority agree with not deferring, it's definitely given me a lot to think about

If you expect him to struggle socially I think you have a very good reason not to defer - let him go to school and play with other children.

I think the only reason I'd consider deferring would be because I thought my child wasn't ready, so things like not being securely out of nappies, still needing a sleep in the afternoon.

I can't quite understand why you'd contemplate deferring a child who is ready for school and thinks that he's going to start in September tbh.

He is bright but would probably struggle a bit socially, so whether the extra year would help with that or perhaps make it worse as he won't be moving up with his peers I don't know.

I would think he will struggle more if he has to move to another setting for a year and make new friends to then have to move again in another years time back to the school he thought he was attending last year and make a whole new bunch of friends whilst also seeing his old friends in the year above.

Don't underestimate how much it could impact his confidence if he thinks he is being left behind and how that in turn could impact how he sees himself academically if he thinks he's not clever enough to go to big school with all his friends.

I was a winter baby (Scotland) and went to school at 4.5. Academically I did fine but I do think socially it was more of a struggle and I think I probably would have benefited from going a year later, if that had been around then, in terms of social maturity. My own DD would be fine academically I'm sure, but she's a young 4.5 and I'd like an extra year for her to build up her self-confidence in herself and develop a bit more socially before she's in school. I'm also going to enjoy another year or having her at home with me for two days a week and doing all the stuff we do together then too. DD2 is June born so she will already be 5 when she starts anyway.

We have a couple of primary school teachers in the family and I have two friends who are PS teachers too, and all have said when I have mentioned it that in general they very much advise deferring the Jan/Feb babies for the social maturity and development aspect. They have a lot more resources to deal with children who are above the curve academically than with chilidren who are below the curve socially. They said they've never known anyone to regret deferring, but have known parents regret it the other way.

I think the biggest problem here is how late it is to decide and the fact he would have to move childcare settings, which might be unsettling. I've known for a long time DD won't be starting this year, so she's not been expecting to. Some of her nursery mates are starting in August but she knows she isn't so hasn't really mentioned it other than to say that will be her next summer. If she had been worked up and excited about it for a while then it would be a lot tougher.

But at the end of the day, you know your own child. There's loads of research about the benefits of a later school start that you can find, and I'm sure you can find stuff to support the other way if you look to, so it does come down to what you as parents think is best for him.

My DD is very bright but struggles with emotional regulation and other things. July birthday. I looked at all the evidence and deferred. No regrets. The issue isn't reception, it is moving to YR1 at just turned 5 which isn't really developmentally appropriate: kids should still be mostly learning through play until 6/7 not focusing on reading and writing so much. Doing SATs in YR2 which would be before they even turn 6 if not deferred? Not good.

And also for all of the social and emotional reasons later on... navigating teens years and friendships and exams and career choices etc with an extra year of maturity is invaluable.

The data shows quite clearly that outcomes are better for the vast majority of children to start formal education later than we do in England. If they were all starting at 6/7 there wouldn't be such an impact but the effect on summerborns starting at just 4 persists in the data all the way through education, and on long-term mental health.

For me it was a no-brainer. There's a reason why most people in Scotland defer if they fall into that age bracket where they have the choice and it is becoming ever more common in England too because of the large amount of evidence now that shows the benefits, hence the Government making it an option so parents can choose!

Being intelligent isn't an issue: it is the teachers' job to challenge all children in their class. They wouldn't tell a parent of an intelligent child with a 1 Sept birthday to start them in school on their 4th birthday so why would that be the answer for an intelligent child born in July/ August, just a few weeks older?

Look up the summerborn fb group OP, lots of data etc on there, then you can make an informed choice

And yes I agree re: Scotsnet. Deferring seems to be quite unusual in England from what I gather on this thread, and I imagine that's where most of the posters here are from, and the implication people seem to take is that it's a negative thing, like 'holding a child back', but in Scotland it's much more commonplace and more to do with setting them up for success. There are some good threads in the Scotsnet forum about deferring that might be of interest.

He is bright but would probably struggle a bit socially, so whether the extra year would help with that or perhaps make it worse as he won't be moving up with his peers I don't know.

It might have helped if you had addressed this issue in your first post, as people might have understood your motivations a bit better. It did come across rather as if you were hoping to give your child the opportunity to coast through school by keeping him back a year, but it's clear from your latest post that that isn't really what you are thinking.

Why is it exactly that you think he might struggle socially? What are your concerns?