Life with my toddler is becoming unbearable

[Ofcourseididthat]

I think I’m slowly slipping into depression with it. Wakes before 6 every day, I am climbed all over, elbows in all my most tender spots. Everything is a battle. Put sun cream on and he screams when I put it away, won’t wear shoes, won’t go in car seat.

It’s probably just a difficult age but the constant fighting is so, so hard and I’m exhausted with it. I just cried after a tantrum. I feel so useless.

How anyone says its the best years is beyond me. They are very tough years. My DC woke through the night and was up between 4.30 to 5am everyday for many many years but his behabiour did improve around 3.5. I used to go to bed early. Always go out everyday and put him to bed around 7 so could relax. Putting him to bed late made no difference. I look back and feel guilty i didn't enjoy it much. Make sure you take time out if possible. It will pass and get better.

How old is your toddler?

There are strategies you can try to improve things if you want to.

How old?

Have you tried putting them to bed earlier? What happens then with the morning wake-up?

Every tasks becoming a pointless battle is the worst OP. I find it so wearing.

I find changing your approach helps - make mundane tasks fun and interesting from his perspective. Praise and cheer on him a lot and encourage him to engage in helping you. Toddlers are not some kind of evil creatures, they seek understanding which is tough because of their limited vocabulary, and they want to be helpful.

On harder days, I tend to take a step back and see a bigger picture. Yes, it's really difficult but ultimately there always are more important things you love about him than his challenging toddler behaviours.

It can be very difficult, I agree. It took me a lot of hard work on myself and some anti-anxiety meds to see things clearly. If you're not feeling like yourself, please see your GP. It's perfectly possible you have MH issues which exacerbate the way you're feeling and reacting now.

Hi OP
the days are so long when they're like this! They make it so hard to keep them alive healthy and safe!

one of the best book recommendations I've ever had here is how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk. Basically they encourage you to make everything a game and then it's less of a battle to get toddlers to do things because they're enjoying it. Hard bloody work though. So for example pretend the sun cream makes wiggly (you have to demo first put some on your arm show it wriggling). Then he might let you apply it because it's fun and he'll want to join in iyswim? I have to do this sort of thing a lot with my dd. I'd prefer she just listen but over all it's preferable to the battles.

im sure you're already doing all that sort of business but I thought I'd mention it. You're doing an amazing job. Remember everything is a phase!!!

Going through something similar with my two (3 and 15 months). DD1 today refusing to put on suncream and massive meltdown over it and then DD2 fighting getting into the buggy. So over it!

Trust me, I’ll have tried them all. Sorry if I sound defeatist but there won’t be something I have not tried. Anyway, thanks for the replies. Two and a half but probably some delays in development.

Is he in nursery?

I also had a very tough time with the pre school years so I completely sympathise. It does get easier in so many respects as they age. Not much use now but something to hold on to.

Have you tried adjusting your expectations?

Agree with pp turning stuff into a game makes them happy and gets things done, its hard work but at least you aren't spending your time feeling mad/resentful.

My DD is 2 and bloody hard work. But not really, she's just a toddler. She wakes at around 6 as well and she is up in the night, she's only just gone into her own room but I get in bed with her when she has her first wake up any time between 1am and 4am.

She pulls my hair loads and I find the pain quite triggering it makes me snap.

We go out the house every morning to some kind of play group or even just to the park or library, I find her so much easier this way, then a walk every afternoon with the dog after nap and lunch.

I hope so. I’m trying so hard to stay positive, but it just feels like such a grind and I cried today with the constant battle which is what it is.

Yes I know what you mean about some things being triggering. I think what is hard is it feels like so much is triggering. I mostly stay very calm but sometimes I feel like it’s destroying me from the inside, I just hope it will get easier as he gets older and understands more.

Firstly OP I love the name you've chosen. I get it. I get it so much. I honestly think some kids are just harder than others. We've been through the mill with our 2.5 year old and I've gone to bed more times than I care to remember crying my heart out wondering if I can keep going. But no matter what that next morning we're there, whether we feel like we have the energy or not. We went through I really long 3 or 4 months lately of pretty constant tantrums, hitting, screaming, not sleeping, and you forget what the nice days are like. I hope you get a nice day soon so you can see what you have xx

He mostly sleeps well at night so that’s something. There are many positives I know, I’m just so worn down and I do think a bit depressed by it all, it’s made me lose my sense of perspective a bit. It’s also hard not to take a bit personally, like you feel it must be your parenting?

Oh it absolutely will get easier. Do you work or have them go to nursery?

I stopped working in March so I'm at home all the time with her, I walk the dog on my own first thing in the morning before her dad goes to work and I do absolutely nothing during her nap, this has helped.

I'm in the Sarah Ockwell smith gentle parenting Facebook page and have found it helpful, I've read a few of her books too (audiobooks) How to be a calm parent, that's really helped. She speaks a lot of sense.

I have to admit I haven’t found her massively helpful (sorry) but maybe I am missing something. I do work, part time, I know many people would want this but I find my days off work so tough.

Someone told me once that as a mother your kids give you "the best of them and the worst of them." I think this is often true, it seems like my 2 year old sometimes just wakes up on the wrong side of bed and wants to fight everything I say or do, and then other mornings he's happy and chilled and relatively easy going (well as much as a 2yr old can be!) My in-laws have him once a week and he's in childcare for another 3 days and he never tantrums elsewhere it seems. It's very tough but I think on the hard days you need to cut yourself some slack, take some deep breaths and remind yourself/pray that it won't always be like this, and it's normal toddler behaviour. Well that's what I do anyway! Sending hugs.

I agree with you COMPLETELY. My 2 year old just broke the TV for the second time and she tried to throw her bottle out of the window. I could go on and on and on. She ignores me every single time that I speak to her and it drives me over the fucking edge.

People will say oh it gets better if you work and they go to nursery but sorry no it doesn’t. It’s still fucking hell. I work 3 days a week (can’t do full time because my 13 month old has a genetic disorder and has constant appointments). DD goes to nursery three days a week (only half days but will go up to 5 half days soon) and I confirm it’s still exhausting.

I just hate it all. No words of advice but you’re not the only one x

Ah OK, 2.5 is peak tantrum time!

Yes, it's tough. But try to remind yourself that you are nearly through the worst of it. There's a reason it's often called the terrible two's, and some find it tougher than others.

Keep reminder yourself what causes toddlers to behave like this. They have very little control and very little ability to communicate, and a massive internal drive to learn and practise. Toddlers learn so quickly because of this! As he gets older his abilities will improve and the tantrums will ease. You will be able to reason with him/bribe him.

I know you say you've tried it all, BUT:

• any tactic takes time/consistency to know if it works
• what works changes over time!

What that means is that in practice you haven't tried it all with your toddler AS HE IS NOW. So now is a good time to review what you might like to try and maybe haven't tried in month or two, or didn't stick at long.

Things I've found work well for mine at this age that you could give a go (or ignore if you've tried them recently):

• reflecting back with cave-baby speak. E.g. W is cross because he wants a toy that another toddler snatched from him: "W is angry! Angry angry angry! W wants the toy! Wants the toy now!" (You're reflecting the emotion in your voice to show you understand. Avoid pronouns - when toddlers are angry their language regressed A LOT). Now calm your time and look a bit sad. "W wants it back. W is sad". Now look a bit more cheerful if toddler is calming a bit (works more than you'd expect!) "Look, W can have the train!"
• As others have said, make it a game. Maybe he gets to put run cream in you. Maybe you put it on his hand and ask him to see how far he can sprwad it up his arm. If you have a wipe-clean doll, he could put some on the doll while you do him. Maybe you could even make it a race - but let him win!
• focus on sleep and food more. Toddlers this age don't know what's best for them! They don't always eat enough at meals as they get distracted. If they are even slightly hungry or tired they get ratty.... a small snack before something unpopular can help. If necessary, get them to have the snack WHILE you do the unpopular thing.

Whatever you try, you also need to work on how you feel. Remind yourself your feelings are totally valid. It's ok to feel frustrated. Take a moment to gather your thoughts and breathe BEFORE you respond. Bear in mind that your child wants to be happy, they don't want a miserable day either, they just lack the tools to control that. They will learn. It will get better.

Make sure you are getting enough time to look after yourself. You will be less patient if you are run down. A break will help - do you get one now and then? Especially with the early starts - do you have someone who can do the early shift on occasion?

I’m still trying to get my DS 17 months to sleep. His sleep is atrocious and it’s taking a big toll on me. I’m newly separated from his dad so it’s all on me and he wakes up numerous times per night and bedtime can take hours. The complete opposite to my 6 yr old who slept like a dream since he was a newborn. I’d take difficult behaviour over decent sleep anyday 😭

I had a toddler exactly like this, while I was pregnant too. It was a nightmare.

I’m not kidding, by the time she was 5 she was an absolute delight.

I don’t know the answer but I know that I focused on reminding her of simple rules very firmly (we don’t hit, we only cuddle/we don’t throw things in this house/we’re not allowed to bite/ this is night time etc etc) CONSTANTLY.

It was exhausting but I just kept reminding myself that I loved her and that setting boundaries would help her, sort of that we were on a journey to her becoming easier to deal with. I also tried to remember that she was a human being with valid emotions too, as hard as that was sometimes.

Stay with it, you can do it.

I showed my 2 and a half year old photos of people with sunburn and said this is what the sun does to your skin if you don't wear sun cream. He hasn't put up a fight since! Yes he makes brrrrr sounds as he feels it's cold on his skin, but he still lets me apply it as he understands what it's for.

Have you let him climb into the car and into his seat himself? That's what I have to do with mine 9/10! They like a bit of independence.

I've an older child. Every age is just a stage, a phase and you'll put some battles to bed and get new ones. I didn't find it noticeably easier until they were 5 but every child is different.

You need a break. Do you have a DP? Or family you can lean on if you're a solo parent?

Book a day when you're just not there. Leave before breakfast, treat yourself to brunch, go to the cinema, meet with friends, do some shopping, whatever you want to do. Then dinner and drinks. Come back LATE, post bedtime.

You need to be yourself again for a period of time, without the responsibility.

Even 12 hours totally off will make a huge difference to your mental health.

It's super hard at this age x

Book him in nursery. My two under two were in FT nursery from 6 months old. I couldnt have coped otherwise, although I found weekends a nightmare, for years,.

They are 12 and 14 now , much much easier!!

Its tough, endless and soul destroying.

Yep - my youngest was like this. There is no point battling with a toddler. Everything has to be a game or an adventure, which can be exhausting in itself - my DH is rather better at it than I am (sometimes he is a big toddler).
Routine also really helped. But then also just completely breaking the routine helped too e.g "okay that's fine don't eat breakfast before we leave for nursery today - I will give you toast and banana in the buggy on the way there instead."
Showing pictures of old people with rotten teeth sorted resistance to tooth brushing.
Long-sleave clothes and staying in the shade meant less battles over sun cream.
Leaving loads of time to get anything done - so that you have time for oodles of messing around when it comes to leaving the house.
Give a few minutes warning before something needs to happen e.g when I've packed this bag we are going to the ....
Sometimes also just sitting out the tantrums. Often he was just trying it on and after a few minutes of screaming would do whatever was required because he was even starting to bore himself.
Breaking things was an issue - we still have cupboard locks on (DS aged 5 now) and just don't have any nice things in reach. Our TV is small and old. The remotes are on a high shelf. My laptop and any electronics are in a high cupboard etc... We have second hand furniture and wood floors so I worry less about the scratches, spills and stains.
Giving loads of attention and involving DS everything I was doing (even if this was a nuisance) e.g helping to do housework, helping with shopping helped us to find common ground and bring out his best side. Also spending time to get down on the floor and play with him.
A teacher friend told me that all children go through phases of boundary testing and tantrums. Most obviously when they are toddlers but also all through childhood and teenage years. Getting some good tactics and learning some skills to manage it now (beyond just going head to head) will help you parent in the future.