Life with my toddler is becoming unbearable

[Ofcourseididthat]

I think I’m slowly slipping into depression with it. Wakes before 6 every day, I am climbed all over, elbows in all my most tender spots. Everything is a battle. Put sun cream on and he screams when I put it away, won’t wear shoes, won’t go in car seat.

It’s probably just a difficult age but the constant fighting is so, so hard and I’m exhausted with it. I just cried after a tantrum. I feel so useless.

I think it is waiting for the speech to come … tough going though 😩

My DD also doesn’t have any speech at all. A bit of babbling here and there but that’s it really. She’s under SALT and now the Paediatrician. Do you think your DC will benefit from SAL intervention?

Sorry, not saying he has SPD! Just saying that with communication delay, we found the SPD so hard as he couldn't explain to us and that as a result we just let things go a lot of the time. In our case, that was around clothes etc. But in yours it might be other things.

A child who wants to communicate but can't must be so frustrated. of course it's hard for both the parent and the child!

I say excuse me DS in a jolly tone a few times, he ignores me, I gently move him and he starts stamping his feet

This is literally my toddler down to a T! She just ignores every single thing that’s said. I personally don’t think any advice you receive will change that. Toddlers are such strong willed little people that it gets so draining eventually. Especially when every day is the exact same and you’re repeating yourself again and again and again

No speech at all sounds so tough

DS can tell me what he wants up to a point but it’s limited because he isn’t stringing words together in a particularly sophisticated fashion. I also don’t always know if he understands me fine but is choosing to ignore me or if he doesn’t understand! I think he does get frustrated and that combined with ‘normal’ toddler behaviour is tough going. It’s very hard to know if there is any sort of delay or not, I hope not and nothing has been flagged to me so I have to assume not.

It’s very tough! Luckily her understanding is good enough so we can meet in the middle. She’s also going to have a hearing test soon so we can see if she has glue ear or anything of the sort!

It’s good that DS is able to communicate to you even if he isn’t using traditional sentences yet. Sorry I missed whether or not he goes to nursery at all? As he’s 2.5 he should be able to get 15 free hours, it just depends when his birthday was. I’ve found nursery has helped my DD (only been going since the start of May) as she’s already making new sounds. It may help DS to communicate better at home as he’ll be surrounded by kids who are always talking whilst at nursery.

You can still look into SALT. He doesn’t need to have a diagnosis or anything like Autism etc. You can have SALT involvement if you’re worried about their speech/understanding. All they really do is give you tips and tricks to follow to help them communicate. It’s really handy stuff!

Sorry I also meant to ask what you mean that nothing’s been flagged to you. Nothing’s been flagged to you by whom? It’s always great to do your own research and see if anything sounds similar to your DC! I’m not saying that he needs to be diagnosed with something or anything like that. It’s just the more you know, the more you can help him with what he may need.

For example I remember reading something about SPD. Even though all of it didn’t sound like my DD. I used a few tips that I had read online and it made a world of difference in some areas. You never know what you may find!

Even with a NT/non developmentally delayed toddler, just deploying all the “turning things into a game” strategies is exhausting (especially when heavily pregnant, which it sounds like you are). Yes it’s better and less tiring overall than shouting/forcing/authoritarian approach, but it is still tiring and requires energy and creativity that can be draining when it’s day in, day out. You don’t need more tips, it sounds like you know how to make it work, it just doesn’t stop things being tiring and draining overall. Hopefully as communication improves, and time passes generally, things will get easier.

You’re so right - it is draining! I feel a bit better about it all today though.

@ItsBritneyBitchhhh he does attend nursery for three days a week and has done since ten months and nothing has been flagged. Plus, I can see myself he is improving and learning skills and developing, I just think he might be on a slightly delayed trajectory. The problem is comparisons are always going to be problematic - for instance I have a friend with a daughter some nine months younger than DS (although December and august birthdays so same school years) and her language is brilliant, much better than DS’. But does that mean DS is behind or more that her DD has exceptionally strong language? Hard to know!

Comparison is the thief of joy. I think that's a saying?

Nephew's speech and communication, compared to DD who is only a bit older, is APPALLING. (she's 8, he's 7). Even now, he pales in comparison to her.

On the other hand, from a very young age he displayed remarkable fine and gross motor skills, his handwriting is already massively better than hers and he's always been athletic and sporty. He's also a real little problem solver and has been from day 1 and she's only now starting to learn those skills.

So definitely don't compare.

But DO do whatever works for you and your family. I had a friend who just point blank refused to go to soft plays as her DS couldn't cope and caused chaos. She said it simply wasn't worth it for anyone and she wasn't going to do it. He's a lovely, well adjusted 11 year old today! DH regularly took DS out to the park/softplay etc on Saturday afternoons and I'd stay home pottering. So sure, I'd get chores done that were impossible with him around, but I'd do it while watching some tv or listening to music or whatever. The chores got done and I didn't feel like I was going to explode with trying to stop him from falling over/breaking things while also cooking dinner.

My son has asd and had delayed language. The toddler years were crap tbh. Some things that helped-
Lowering expectations
Managing his environment- not asking more than he's capable of
Salt
Prempting/distraction
Devices
Tv
Burning lots of energy
Getting out the house

I started to struggle with mh. I had CBT, hypnotherapy and did a course in mindfulness. All really helped.

Also lots of routine and structure. A daily planner (using photos) sp he could see what was happening

I've only skim read so apologies if repeating things.

Rather than trying to find a solution to the problems (a bit of a find the needle in the haystack approach), I have found its much easier to first understand the why behind the behaviour and then go from there. For example, if I go and ask my son now if he wants red shoes or blue shoes as per your example, he won't respond well - the why is that he needs warning, he struggles with transitions and changes to activities - DS, in 10 minutes we're going to put our shoes on, in 9 minutes, in 8/7/6 - you get the idea - OK DS, 0 minutes, would you like the red shoes or the blue shoes and he will happily choose and put them on without a fuss. My son also has a really good understanding of language itself, huge vocabulary, but he struggles with the processing part, so we need to deliver very simple requests - yes coat or no coat, rather than "would you like to put your coat on or leave it at home?" - way too many words delivered too quickly and he can't follow that.

If you have concerns around delays, keep following those up. You are your child's biggest advocate and his voice. You say nursery haven't expressed any concerns, but have you asked them? Might be worth arranging a time to go and chat to them about your concerns and see what they say. They will be a valuable source of evidence if you do pursue things further. If you're concerned about speech, request a hearing test if not already done too - my nephew has just been diagnosed with moderate hearing loss at 8 because his speech difficulties were always assumed to have been speech and language based, actually it was an ear problem all along.

I also remind myself that if he's having a bad day, then all the things he finds difficult will be magnified, so on those days, we bin off our plans and go and do something that is restorative for him - this is usually a trip to the local forest where he will sit for hours looking at leaves and stones and things. Gives me a break too as he will happily entertain himself for a bit.

I’ve asked nursery - no concerns.

It is very sweet of you to spend such a long time typing a message but he won’t understand nine minutes! And also sometimes he just does get into these bullish moods and say no to everything. He had one just before his nap and it was frustrating and slightly amusing - we had no banana (then ate the banana) no drink (then drank it) no book (then read it) and no sleep (then slept!)

Mostly I just say oh ok I’ll have it then and he changes his mind sharpish!

I do think a lot of stuff that supposedly helps doesn’t seem to: maybe it’s just us, I don’t know. With the best will in the world his days off with me aren’t going to be as routine driven and structured as nursery and although there is structure there even that can be variable and I can’t do much about that.

Sometimes it’s worth doing it even when they don’t get it yet, just so that you get the practice so it’s more like second nature in the future when it might work. Generally, these ways of communicating help children of all ages. Again though, it doesn’t stop the whole thing being draining in the short term sadly.

Jo Frosts confident toddler care is outdated and unfashionable but a relative gave me a copy and it transformed my relationship with my son when he was a toddler. He was delayed in speech and understanding speech so all the how to talk so kids will listen stuff just went over his head. I know quite a lot of parents who went in for gentle parenting who ended up screaming at their kids everyday because it just didn't work for them. Not every child responds to every method. Once boundaries were put in place here it all became so much easier. Easy, even.

🙄

Hey OP, no need to roll your eyes. People are just trying their best to help because they feel compassion for your situation. It’s always nice to be gracious.
Few people have time to read the entire thread and it’s normal that you’ll get duplicate advice. It’s to be expected that a lot of it won’t be relevant to your ds (we only have very little to go on). If you want tailored specific advice I’d suggest you pay for a professional child development specialist and/or parenting classes.

It was a rant. No one is wanting tailored, specialist advice.

I rolled my eyes at the mention of ‘boundaries.’ Children do need boundaries but they also need some understanding of why those boundaries exist. Without that, we obviously need to keep them safe but it being linked to good / poor behaviour or consequences is pointless.

I also don’t know where the complaint about gentle parenting came from. I wouldn’t say I actively go in for that, although I very, very rarely shout. I don’t actually mind some of JFs techniques - sometimes just removing a child from a het up situation is best - but if they don’t know what they did wrong and they don’t know why they’ve been told to sit somewhere (and won’t follow the instruction anyway!) there is no point!

My LO is the same. I'm just so exhausted by the monotony of it all. He doesn't go to sleep till quite late so it seems never ending.

Wow. Sorry for trying to help. Jesus.

Just get him outside. No sunscreen? Long sleeves instead

Moaning about the car seat?? Stay at home.

Hitting you?? Put him on the floor/ distance yourself from him

No one is wanting tailored, specialist advice

^^

Oops, rescinded

Or indeed advice

@MeinKraft I am sorry for the eye roll. It was not intended as grumpily as perhaps it came over. The problem with advice is that I can honestly hand on heart say I have yet to read anything that works. It’s just getting through as best you can.

Have you had his hearing checked? My dd was really hard going at age 2 and it turned out her hearing was terrible.

Are you pregnant? He might be picking up on that and playing up if he senses your body changing/you're feeling more tired or vulnerable than usual.

But otherwise I think you just go into survival mode and get through it.