Life with my toddler is becoming unbearable

[Ofcourseididthat]

I think I’m slowly slipping into depression with it. Wakes before 6 every day, I am climbed all over, elbows in all my most tender spots. Everything is a battle. Put sun cream on and he screams when I put it away, won’t wear shoes, won’t go in car seat.

It’s probably just a difficult age but the constant fighting is so, so hard and I’m exhausted with it. I just cried after a tantrum. I feel so useless.

@TinyTeacher lol. I have no issues getting sun cream on him. This isn’t what this is about. In any case this is the problem really. People focus on the minutiae of a much larger picture. I’m really sorry if I sound very negative it’s just a bit frustrating when someone solves all your problems with a solution to a problem that doesn’t even exist. Besides, there’s no fucking way he’d understand that!

@ItsBritneyBitchhhh I hear all of that.

@alittleadvicepls poor sleep is awful. 18 months was the turning point if that helps at all.

Solving some of the minuate makes the bigger picture easier though OP.

You're knee deep in it right now. When they aren't cooperating it's crap, stressful and physically tiring too. 2.5 is tricky because they're physically bigger, have enough say to have their own mind, but don't understand anything!

What do you want from this thread? A moan, an offload, possible solutions?

Well, not endless suggestions for getting sun cream on a toddler when that’s not an issue might be good 😂

I remember frequently being in tears when DS was that age. It was so, so hard. Everything tiny thing was a battle. I can only say it gets easier. My DS is now a delightful 10 year old. He's very sweet, loving and funny. Hang in there!

I’m really hoping so.

Don’t get me wrong, many lovely things there too. But the lack of response to any reason, the flying into a rage because of things that are just bizarre, the grinding constant exhaustion, are taking their toll.

You mentioned a possible developmental delay. Are you getting any support for that? Could he possibly be neurodiverse? The way you’re talking reminds me of me when my eldest was this age. In hindsight I realise that part of what made it so difficult and exhausting was that at the back of my mind I was worried that it WASNT just a phase, that it wouldn’t pass, and that actually her behaviour was a reflection of more serious issues. It makes it harder to brush off and stay positive because as well as being fucking exhausted you’re worrying about your child’s future and also whether you’re going to be this fucking exhausted for the literal rest of your life.

sorry I might be way off the mark here. But that was the case for me. She was diagnosed with autism at 3.5. She’s 4.5 now and mostly a complete delight. Her speech (which was non-existent at 2.5) took off and now she is really articulate and it makes things a lot easier. I do still find her exhausting sometimes but she can now be bribed to behave when needs be and to be honest that’s a game changer.

I don’t think he has autism but possibly delayed speech and understanding. It is very hard to know. For example I regularly see advice to give two choices which is a good suggestion, do you want an apple or a pear, but he doesn’t seem to understand and just shouts no pear no pear. I do try to follow advice but have to admit I don’t always find it helps. Generally I keep a fairly calm exterior but occasionally it slips and then I feel awful.

I hear you OP. 2.5 year old here and it's HARD! She is my second, and honestly it just feels a bit easier this time, even though she is a much worse sleeper (DD1 was a sleep angel!). Things wash over me a bit more, not sure why. Maybe I'm just too tired to care!

With DD1 I remember often going into the bathroom to have a scream. I also once completely crushed a bread bin out of frustration. I read every parenting book & loved (still do!) Janet Lansbury - some strategies helped a bit, but it's still hard work.

If its and consolation, DD1 has just turned 6 and has been delightful now for almost as long as I can remember! It soon gets easier. Honest.

I really hope so! I can see glimmers of the delightful person I hope he is going to be, but right now there is frustration on both sides I think. And despite being a good sleeper at night he wakes too early which has a knock on effect on overall sleep I think. Bloody hard!

I really feel for you! Its a hard age and can be very wearing.Its not your parenting. I have 2 and they were completely different at that age. First one was pure angel. I thought im such a natural at parenting! Then came DC 2. And boy did I wake up! Horrible days behind me!
It will pass! They grow up!

I'm just coming through this stage, slowly and bit by bit my LO sometimes actually listens to me!

Ds has sensory processing disorder. As a toddler and young child one of the hardest bits for.both of us was that he struggled.to process language. Your "pear or apple" example is very familiar. He couldn't process 2 different statements. My example when he was a little.older would be that he'd ask what was for dinner, inwojkd tell him, but it was like he couldn't hear me. (We are also currently getting him.investigated for ADD).

It also meant tantrums because he didn't want to wear a coat or would only wear long sleeves or only ever found 1 pair of shoes he liked or whatever.

It was hell so I feel your pain.

We let a lot of things go (I was that parent at the outdoor play place with a child wearing linen trousers and a long sleeve t shirt.... in the snow). We used the ipad probably more than we should but we needed the break (especially early in the morning).

He is a (mostly) lovely 12 year old now. He struggles at school.still but we have learnt to adjust and cope and have strategies.

Ps if shoes are an issue - seamless.bamboo socks changed our lives! 😆

My ds has adhd and autism/pda, the toddler years were tough and we didn’t understand what his difficulties actually were at that age. I’m not suggesting your ds has any difficulties beyond being a toddler but some of the techniques for pda work great on all toddlers.

Reduce demands wherever possible
If he’s going in the car/buggy and doesn’t want to put his shoes on it doesn’t matter, just take shoes with you

Make everything as fun as you can as a form of distraction
Sing song voices, funny walks, tell stories, provide sound effects, all kinds of silliness I know this can be exhausting but it really helps. Act like you’re a children’s Tv presenter.

Give choices on everything
You can choose the red hat or the yellow hat! Put them behind your back, let him choose a hand.
Do you want sun cream on your legs first or your arms first?

Be as positive as possible
It’s so great you’re sitting watching Tv quietly (even if he’s only been doing it a matter of seconds)
I love your car noises! They’re amazing
Wow! You look so cool with your hat on!
Praise even the not bad things he’s doing
Rather than “don’t hit” say “be kind, I know you are a lovely kind person”
Avoid “no” wherever possible.

Allow loads of time to do anything or get anywhere. Toddlers hate to be rushed
Explain what’s going to happen several times in advance and offer choices wherever you can. Eg do you want to leave in three minutes or in four minutes?

When he does something wrong frame it as a mistake rather than deliberate. I used to pretend to rewind time with funny noises and then encourage him to try it again.
Eg if he snatches “Ooops! Let’s try that again (make rewinding noises/actions) annnnd action” like you’re both actors in a film

Give them what they want in fantasy, make it ridiculous. When ds wanted to buy toys in a shop I’d say I wish I could buy you every single toy in this shop, I’d buy all of them!! The Lego, the cars, the bikes, the dollies, the teddies! Everything! We’d build a tower with them all the way up to the moon! etc etc getting sillier and sillier all the time moving us out of the situation.

Acknowledge how they feel, then distract. You don’t want to eat this lunch, you want pudding now. It’s hard isn’t it? I get mad too. I want to scream and shout sometimes too. Everyone feels like this sometimes. I wish I could give you exactly what you want all the time. Do you want this toy or that toy to play with now, after lunch would you like to do x or y?

It is bloody exhausting and a lot of the time these things might not work but with perseverance you’ll find variations that can sometimes work for your child. A lot of this is great emotional coaching which will stand them in good stead for a lifetime (you have strong emotions, we all do. They will pass and you’ll be ok). Eventually with perseverance and positivity it will get better.

There's no shame in it. I did 3 days a week working and 2 days with DC1. I'm glad I did but my work days were my rest days. It was ridiculous how exhausting it was. When DC2 came along I was working 4 days a week, I kept this and have 1 day with DC2 now. Although I feel guilty that they're not getting 2 mummy days like their sibling did, I feel like I have a much better balance / sanity!! I can accept that it's just not for me and I'm thankful for nursery staff who have the energy and mindset to actually enjoy working with toddlers all day. That is a gift as far as I'm concerned.

I think this is where advice is well meant but isn’t always tremendously helpful, for instance I explain in an earlier post that he doesn’t appear to understand the choices thing. Do you want your red shoes or blue shoes would just get no shoes, no shoes. But to be honest a lot of the time he is being contrary for the sake of it - I know that’s normal to a point at this age and I’m not suggesting that there is any malice behind it but equally it is very tiring to deal with.

So yesterday was my last day at work (maternity leave) and I’d been given flowers and chocolates. DH was picking me up and saw me come out. Straightaway started shouting mummy flower mummy flower and making a ‘gesture’ with his hand which roughly translates to ‘give that to me NOW.’ I averted this by giving him a chocolate. No choc! No choc! So I said okay and then he cried and shouted for chocolate. This happens a LOT.

He enjoys ‘helping’ but is very hard work. So this morning I need to unload the dishwasher and put the breakfast things in. When the dishwasher is open you temporarily can’t get past in the kitchen, it is quite small. So I go to open the dishwasher and DS follows me meaning I can’t open it. I say excuse me DS in a jolly tone a few times, he ignores me, I gently move him and he starts stamping his feet and saying Arry (carry) I pick him up and pop him down again. Manage to empty the dishwasher and meanwhile DS is roaming round bringing toys into the kitchen. Then when I try to load it again DS is trying to close it while my arm is there. This is what happens whenever I try to do a really basic household task, and I sound like I’m being horrible about him and not meaning to. I know he’s wanting to spend time with me and help but it’s so wearing when I have to gear myself up to do a straightforward task which I know will result in loads of stress!

This sounds so hard. My sisters 2 year old lost it yesterday because I sat in a chair?!? There was no logic to it (to the grown ups) but the tantrum was spectacular. Someone gave her the 'wrong' cup and again it all went nuclear. Sister's knackered but we're all stepping in to take her little dictator for a bit every few days so she gets a break. Her partner is great as well.

Are you getting a break OP what's your support system like? If none of the techniques are working, and I'm sure you have tried them all, it might be the best thing to do is get things in place so you can survive this phase without it making you completely worn out / depressed?? Is there any scope for you to have a day off?? Or even a lie in to keep you going?? Are people in your life aware that you're struggling?

Toddlers are soo hard- awful age. My 2.5 also has delayed speech, and walked super early so her toddler years seem endless. No advice but try and take some down time for yourself for sanity.

I was struggling a lot yesterday, trying to balance a lot. I’m feeling a bit more stoic / resigned today!

It’s very hard knowing what is normal toddler behaviour and what could be indicative of delays in speech or development. So I would say the good is:

• he does understand - so simple instructions, bring me your shoes please, would you like to choose a story, and so on. Although he can sometimes misunderstand as explained above.
• he eats well, really well, uses cutlery, enjoys a variety of food but is not motivated by food, doesn’t eg demand snacks.
• he behaves pretty well as a rule … so for instance he’s seen some shows at the theatre and sat down nicely, he holds my hand nicely and walks next to me without running off. That sort of thing.
• very loving and affectionate
• definitely getting better in many respects, used to be quite ‘untrustworthy’ with other kids but is now fine (mostly!)

So my areas of concern are:

• his speech is very basic compared to a lot of toddlers his age (as far as I can gauge) he has lots of words but mostly uses two word sentences, mummy help, cat out, and so on. He has used three words together but this isn’t typical.
• Following on from speech he isn’t able to have a ‘conversation’ exactly, so if you ask him a question he doesn’t really answer. At the moment he’s getting very upset about nursery and a child’s name keeps coming up as in ‘no edie, no edie.’ If you ask ‘is edie not your friend’ no response and I don’t think he understands. It’s hard as I’m guessing and stabbing in the dark.
• refusal to engage with potty training, less of a concern I guess as he’s on the young side.

So I don’t know … I recently filled out the two year check and he was fine according to that but then he is two and a half! I’m hoping as he gets to three things will ease off.

Lack of support is an issue … it is just one of those things unfortunately!

Toddler years are horrible if I'm honest because they are no longer babies, not so portable as before and they have big feelings. They are literally like handling a hand grenade. You said you were going on maternity leave so I'm assuming you're heavily pregnant right now which to me would make your situation with dealing with your toddler 100x tougher. Each day as their speech and understanding develops, they become more civilised and a person you can reason with. Hold tight x

For us, DS's struggle to communicate was definitely what made everything worse and it does sound like you're in a similar place. And it would make me cry that I knew he wanted to do or explain something but couldn't and vice versa.

DS did get speech and language therapy intervention at 27 months as his speech and communication was definitely considered delayed by then. It helped, but certainly wasn't a magic bullet. Going to nursery did help a bit as I think those very set routines and other children were useful for him.

The choices thing that people keep suggesting - like you, they completely pointless for us. He had a very limited selection of clothing he was willing to wear and I could offer him choice of blue or red t-shirt until I was blue in the face - he wanted to keep his pyjamas on (I now understand that as his most sensitive spot for sensory overload was his head and upper body - the thought of removing his comfortable soft pyjamas was too much for him).... so I started buying pyjamas that could totally be t-shirts and he'd put one on after his bath, sleep in it and wear it the next day.

If I needed to do chores etc - that's when I got the iPad out and let him watch Peppa pig or even those hideous videos of unwrapping Kinder eggs!!! He loved those bloody videos.

I would take him to soft play and the first 5 times we went to a new one he'd spend all his time just trying to get out the door. So I'd stand by the door and take him back repeatedly and then once he got to know it, he'd happily play. ("door" was about his 3rd word....)

It sounds to me like you're trying to be a brilliant mummy, which is great, but I think that you need to give yourself a break. If he is in the way while unloading the dishwasher - either don't do it, do it when your DH is there to distract him, or turn on the TV. If his communication is delayed, he simply can't understand and it's just going to be frustrating for both of you.

Get him a tablet. I know people hate screens but stick a few learning games on there and you have a live in teacher/babysitter. It can also be used a leverage for when they misbehave and they don’t want it taken away.

I don’t know if he has sensory issues. I wouldn’t have said so - none of the above re only certain clothes applies here. He has started taking his nappy off which is annoying though.

The main thing is that he can’t really talk ‘to’ me; he has lots of words and is learning new words and phrases daily but putting them together and explaining something isn’t a milestone he’s reached. So I know my friends dd would be able to say ‘Millie was unkind at nursery. I don’t want to go.’ DS is nowhere near that. I might get ‘no Millie.’ But that’s not exactly informative!

I know sometimes like all children (even much older ones) sometimes he’ll be upset by something due to tiredness or similar. We had real tears and heartbreak the other day because someone cycled past on a red bike and he wanted to see a blue bike. I don’t mind that as I know it’s normal. I think the little battles just sometimes slowly kill me!

Honestly OP I was you a year ago. 2.5 year old toddler. He was my fifth so I'm no novice and everyday he would break me to tears.i couldn't do a school run without him kicking off, would come home and he would scream for hours on end. Absolutely no reason for it. Anything and everything would set him off.
Health visitor was useless. Told me he must be bored and I needed a structure to the day. We had one.
I tried everything. In the end, his speech got better and I suppose he just grew out of it.
I know it's no advice but just want to say you aren't alone, it's relentless. I absolutely get it.

EVERYTHING was a battle for my toddler - sun screen, hair brushing, teeth brushing, washing face, getting dressed.

Honestly for half the stuff I just distracted her with a telly while I did it.

I knew she wouldnt be like it forever and weirdly she just started becoming really compliant and even showing an interest in wanting to do the things before she turned 3.

Its hard. Do whatever makes each job easiest. Know they wont be like that forever.

This this this!! If he will watch a tv show or use a tablet then do this. It's frowned upon but who cares you need to survive. I have a rule I'm not an active parent till 6:30am. So if dd wakes at 5am (thankfully rare now) she would just be watching tv for that first 1.5 hours while I scroll on here / drink tea/ doze. I know that's not A* parenting but I don't care. Having days where you've been actively playing shops/ blocks/ whatever for 4 hours by 9am just isn't sustainable.