Life with my toddler is becoming unbearable

[Ofcourseididthat]

I think I’m slowly slipping into depression with it. Wakes before 6 every day, I am climbed all over, elbows in all my most tender spots. Everything is a battle. Put sun cream on and he screams when I put it away, won’t wear shoes, won’t go in car seat.

It’s probably just a difficult age but the constant fighting is so, so hard and I’m exhausted with it. I just cried after a tantrum. I feel so useless.

I know exactly what you mean. My youngest is now 4 amand has just about stopped the tantrums - she was a nightmare around the age of 2.5 - just constant screaming and tantrums to the point where if she has a (rare) tantrum now I feel like I have PTSD and go into a sort of depressive trance it is so triggering for me.
keep going though, it will get better eventually

We've been trying setting our alarm for 4am, gently rousing the toddler bit then toddler falls back to sleep until 6:15 ish. Previously was around 5 and awake for day. So might work? Anything after 6 is a win for us!

Yeah, this really. I have a pretty laidback easy toddler but I had a shit day at work yesterday, her bedroom was 6 million degrees and I just didn't have it in me to make bedtime fun. I also don't have time to make getting suncream on a fun adventure every day (so I give her an episode of Peppa and a Malteaser - mum of the year)

No advice OP, just solidarity. Keep going ❤️

No advice. Just solidarity. My 2.5 year old sounds extremely similar. It’s so so so wearing. Even the simplest tasks, like the school run for my eldest, have had me in tears. Where he won’t walk, get in his car seat, wants to get out of a different door, do his own belt up, and so on.
I just repeat to myself, it won’t last forever.

It can be hell, fully understand. Try to be kind to yourself. A glass of wine can take the edge off. Consider full time nursery for the sake of your mental health, do not feel ashamed.

OP - I don’t agree that the reason for boundaries need to be understood in order for them to work. At the very least they take some of the mental load off parenting as you’re not thinking of new ways to respond to similar situations - you have a “stock” response. (For example, the rule
with our DS has always been that the second he kicks off and starts demanding something he won’t get it. End of. We’re not dicks about it, but we do stick to it. No ifs, no buts. I can’t tell you how much easier it makes everything. We set the boundaries and he knows that we’ll behave in a predictable way every time.)

I think that the consistent feedback of steady boundaries gets in at a primal level. We’re wired to look for information and feedback on our environment and actions. The least they’ll do is make a child feel safe.

FWIW - your DS sounds pretty normal in his behaviour. You might perhaps be expecting too much of him.

@Ofcourseididthat “I am sorry for the eye roll. It was not intended as grumpily as perhaps it came over. The problem with advice is that I can honestly hand on heart say I have yet to read anything that works. It’s just getting through as best you can.”

I wasn’t being passive aggressive, I really meant that if literally all advice from all other parents that you have received has categorically failed them it’s definitely time to speak to a professional. They will be able to say if his behaviour is as expected for his age and you need to adjust your expectations or if there is anything you can do to manage him better.
After 16 years raising ds with autism/pda/adhd I’ve had more than my share of parenting frustration. Ds had a lot of intervention at his amazing special school as well as huge efforts at home. The thing I know when I look back is that the majority of the strategies and techniques that seemed like they weren’t working at the time did make a real difference and I can see the effects in him all these years later. Keep experimenting and learning, your ds will keep growing, and things will get better.

Sorry for giving unsolicited advice. I wasn't really talking about your situation just about mine with DS. I didn't mean anything about your own boundaries and so on, my son has particular communication needs so it was hard to draw boundaries with him and I just found those techniques in that book helpful so I do tend to rave about it a bit. I also have an almost 2 year old who's full of NO at the minute and I understand it's really tiring. Like physically wrestling them in the heat because they don't want to go downstairs but you have the school run to do etc. Bloody hard work.

@Fortboyard have all the boundaries you like, by all means. I find the word a bit rage inducing - it isn’t anything to do with you or your post, but a lot of the time toddlers just do behave in frustrating ways and actually just sometimes, the more ‘boundaries’ you have in place the more battles you have and the more unhappy you both are. For instance, I know someone who has a ‘boundary’ that children must sit at the table for dinner, with the result that dinner is an extremely miserable experience for everyone and her children are very poor eaters. Mine was also a table resistor and I ceded defeat on that one. In the last couple of weeks he’s voluntarily been sitting at the table (to my surprise!)

I have no idea whether something is delayed with DS or not. Given I’ve filled out forms with what he can do, and given he’s been attending nursery since 10 months I suspect he isn’t delayed per se but there are children of a similar age who are much more advanced than him, and I don’t really see the point in demanding to see professionals for that reason. If - and it is a big if at this stage - something is wrong, we have years of depressing years of battles with professionals. Right now, I’ll take another battle over no DS, you can’t run round barefoot …

@MeinKraft and others struggling. It is an age that’s so very tiring.

i agree with you about boundaries, with pda it’s best to have as few as possible. One of my suggestions earlier in this thread was to reduce demands as much as possible so no need to sit at the table in our house. Often I’d just make food available without comment and ds could take it or leave it.
So that strategy actually has worked for your ds so you could repeat it in other areas. eg my ds was nearly always barefoot (its actually good for developing feet). As long as it isn’t dangerous it’s not worth battling over.
it’s great that you don’t feel there’s anything really to worry about with your ds but for anyone who ever is worrying seriously about their dc development then in my experience it is worth acting sooner rather than later. It’s really clear that the earlier the intervention the better the long term outcomes.
There are 4 other children i know who had difficulties suspected at the sane time as ds. I put in strategies early on and fought hard for support (he eventually went to a special school) which all made a massive difference. The others didn’t have that. Out of the 5 of them ds is the only one to have stayed in full time education up to gcse. He got great results, is doing well in his a levels and will go to uni next. The others don’t have anything like those choices and that’s a real shame.
I’m not saying that your ds has extra needs but for anyone else who is reading this who might have those kinds of worries, trust your gut, don’t ignore your intuition. Learn as much as you can about how best to support your dc if they have challenges. I got so much invaluable support and advice here on mumsnet it was an absolute lifeline to me in some really tough times. I try to pay it forward if I can.

I feel your pain. I cried for half an hour this morning, after an awful day of tantrums yesterday and a 4:30AM wake up this morning, I'm just thinking "I can't do this anymore." I have no advice, my little boy is 2 years 11 months old and his dad only has him 4 nights a month so I'm just taking one day at a time. We go through stages where things are amazing, then it feels like a couple of weeks of hell, and so fourth. Hanging onto the hope that it'll get better 😢

OP, I watched the documentary on Netflix called Babies. There's a very good episode there called Toddlers, I found it fascinating. From then on, I engage DS in most things I do, I give him little jobs or get him toys to imitate my behaviour (eg hoovering). When he's about to tantrum, I say "Leo, please help mummy and do X". Either asking him to do something else first to distract him, or if I'm being sneaky, I ask him to do the exact thing he'd tantrum about 😂 The magic seems to be the phrase "please help mummy". The point of the Babies: Toddlers episode is that toddlers understand a lot more in terms of social behaviours than we previously thought. They are altruistic by nature, surprisingly it might seem, and they love helping. So the more opportunities they are offered, the happier it should keep them. Of course it doesn't always work, but it's pretty remarkable I must say.

Also you need a break. I escape him whenever I can tbh to do stuff for me. Not for long, but regularly - probably two evenings a week and some sport activities when I wfh at lunchtime. It keeps me sane. I have to force myself often to do it but I couldn't keep going without breaks, he'd drive me up the wall.

Yes to being triggered. I am overstimulated. I hate whining and screaming, from anyone and anyone else's child, including my own. My brain just cannot cope with the frequency of these sounds. So at home I leave the room and take deep breaths when he's tantruming, otherwise I'd snap at him. Ue eventually calms down. I personally don't comfort him unless I know he is genuinely upset or in pain - he cries differently then. I don't give him attention when he tantrums over nothing. The result is he is much calmer, better behaved and just a sweet kid when he's with me (I have a full day a week with him when I don't work). Apparently in nursery he's the sweetest, best behaved boy, they never say he's had a bad day. Hard to believe! He is at his worst when DH is around because he gives him attention and runs to comfort him and does things for him all the time. He 100% abuses this, I can see it because he's a different child around him! They are smarter than we think and press buttons when they know they'll get a reaction and/or get what they want. It's not always their own frustration anymore, it's a tough age as alongside the toddler frustrations they also get smart with purposefully pushing boundaries if they feel they have the right ground for it. It's so hard at times!!!

When my daughter was about 2 she was having daily tantrums, several times a day sometimes. She was so extreme in her behaviour that my religious MIL thought she had a demon inside her and suggested an exorcism!!

Daughter grew into a perfectly normal child by the time she started school. I sympathise, but also want to reassure you that this is the very hardest time to cope with for many, many people. You can and will get through it.

I bought mine tablets to help me deal with the stress of having two toddlers. Sometimes it all gets too much, they're fighting for my attention and I just can't give either of them enough because I need to be doing something else temporarily (or sometimes I'm just mentally exhausted and need a minute). They get their tablets for an hour which just gives me a chance to do what I need to do and have some headspace.

It can be helpful to learn about toddler emotional development.

Essentially - unlike when they were babies - they now know that you are a separate person with your own life and mind.

They depend on you for everything and they'll do anything to prevent you leaving or forgetting them.

So they try to control you so that they can feel safe.

It's enormously difficult of course but you've got to feel for them, poor things.

They grow out of it as they get towards 4 and develop a "theory of mind" - ie that mummy has a mind and she holds me in it. She won't leave me or forget me.

Then they calm down a bit on fhe controlling and unreasonable behaviour.

I can definitely relate, we are going through similar with our 3 year &’I’m not going to lie but I hate this stage & age. It is by far the hardest. I work full time & she is in nursery 5 days - she is a completely different child when she is there, she’s happy, she listens, she’s kind, gentle - at home however, she hits, kicks, doesn’t listen to a single word I say (‘I don’t want to’), refuses to get in the car seat, doesn’t go to bed, has told me numerous times she doesn’t love me anymore. I feel broken :( I feel incapable of being a parent - I feel like I’m doing something wrong constantly. You’re not alone hun xx