To ask what you'd do if your 3 year old did this?

[whatismumlife]

Just questioning my parenting!

What would you do if your three year old, in protest to going home rather than 'somewhere fun' (that had never been promised!) refused to get out the car. You try and get them out, they aren't co-operating so you leave them and walk away and they come in a couple of minutes later in a huff. You later go out to your car and find the drivers seat soaked in piss, piss splashed all over the dash etc.

He hasn't done it in fear of being left alone, I literally walked around the corner and he isn't scared of being in the car. He didn't wet himself by accident. There's nothing on his clothes and his pants are dry. He's deliberately gotten it out and pissed on the drivers seat. He's climbed over from his seat to do it on my seat.

He's in bed now and I've discovered it and I'm furious and genuinely don't know what to do. It's such a bloody calculated thing to do! I'm really disappointed he'd do such a thing to be honest. I know he's little but he's old enough to know that's wrong (and rank)

I don't like to bring tantrums up the next day etc, we usually talk calmly once it's over and move forward. But he's never done a) something this grim or b) something I've not discovered straight away to talk to him about so I'm at a loss of how to handle it!

I think you're right and it's tantrum, best ignored.

Whether that's what I'd have actually done is another thing mind.

But you won't leave him alone in a car again in a hurry.
Whether he knows it's right or wrong is not the issue. He was THAT CROSS that he thought of the most outrageous thing he could do and did it.

To clarify.. you left your 3 year old I'm the car, he unbuckled his car set then deliberately weed on the driver seat?

Posted too soon...
I'd have a chat about when we are cross we use our words etc. And when he's having a tantrum next time try a different tactic. Eg, sit in the car until he's ready to get out. Bore him into submission.

I would be so furious OP! I mean I know he's only 3yo. But that would really annoy me!

On the drive way and I stood around the corner. Yes he climbed over and did it. I couldn't stay in the car any longer as baby was screaming as they'd woken up and didn't want to be in their seat so I just got out and walked off as I knew he'd follow. He did just minutes later and told me he was very cross and he didn't want to be at home but I didn't suspect he'd pissed everywhere!

I was always quite (unpleasantly) surprised at that age by some of the tantrum related escapades DS had, some definitely appeared calculated to me as an adult, but in hindsight I can't imagine they were that thought out- more just primal naughtiness. Its tricky because at that age they don't really grasp consequences the same as we do, if you mention it tomorrow the day after the fact not sure if it'll have much impact.

Personally I'd just clean it and inwardly seethe before having an early night and a fresh start tomorrow. The tantrums and not wanting to do stuff is brutal but they do have to learn. If it helps the savagest stage didn't last for very long and we got to grips with things that worked to manage them.

Well, after asking nicely & suggesting something fun/nice in the house, I'd have employed the single raised eyebrow, I'd have added that to 'OUT. NOW'. It never fails.

Clean the plastic and the seat as best you can, leave the windows slightly open overnight.

But in your situation, I'd ignore it. Don't raise to it. As if you never noticed. If he says something tomorrow just say you'd wondered what it was & cleaned it up last night... let him be annoyed it didn't wind you up.

but in future, just don't take any nonsense, tell him to get out. Be the adult in charge.

Omg I would be furious!
I have a 3 year old and honestly the things they do give me the rage.
That being said, toddlers aren't reasonable and often don't have the capacity to be at that age, both from brain development and emotional regulation point of view. Bad behaviour from a 3 year old is almost always from a place of some unmet need, and I wonder if there's a different reason this happened rather than just him being a knob (toddlers are knobs, I know.)
I'd sleep on it and decide what to do in the morning. Was he desperate for the toilet but just hadn't communicated that, and hence he got more easily frustrated at not getting his own way when faced with it on top of a possible already uncomfortable sensation? Had it been at the end of a nursery day when he's usually tired, and so usually less able to manage his feelings? Could he be coming down with something and not showing it yet?
I know for a fact that when my toddler is really tired, particularly after nursery, then she's way more likely to be a ridiculous, unreasonable, ungrateful little shit 😂 but it's also just because the tiredness makes it so much harder for them to manage their emotions they just lose it and just can't, the meltdowns are not their fault.

I would probably have a calm talk with him first thing in the morning, and say you noticed the car was wet with wee and ask what happened. I'd make it really clear that it's unacceptable to wee in the car, and that next time he must tell you straight away if he needs a wee. If I'd noticed immediately then the consequence would have been him missing a story or whatever at bedtime due to having to spend time helping you clean it up. Is it possible that he suddenly realised he needed to go one you'd gone, and because he was already so emotional he just did it there and then without thinking, because he had no access to the toilet there and then? (Btw no judgement, I often leave my toddler to go calm down and it almost always solves the tantrum).

My 3 (nearly 4 year old) does still have accidents but it's pretty much always when she's tired or emotional and that's generally after nursery.

Also, sorry about your car and 3 year olds can be so gross!

Why did you allow your 3yr old the choice of staying in the car alone?

Short of dragging him out he wasn't getting out and if I drag him out he escalates and kicks off more. If I walk off he gets bored because he's not getting any reaction and he follows and although grumpy atleast he isn't raging. I wish I could say out now and he'd just do it but he's so blooming stubborn. You can't win with him sometimes unless you just remove the attention/yourself.

Same as many of us walk away from them etc because you know they'll follow without an argument.

she walked away a bit, she didn't bugger off for two weeks in Portugal.

I think the best thing to do would be to ignore it now. Don't reward him with the reaction he was presumably looking for. Not sure if I'd follow my own advice because I'd be raging about it but....thinking rationally I believe that ignorance is the wiser (more adult) move. He's only 3.

Next time I'd just hoik him out. In fact I have done this!

Lift him out next time, and leave baby screaming for a couple of minutes. The youngest has to wait if they are secured and safe in their car seat. Toilet the 3yo once in the house then go back for baby.

None of mine got a choice at that age.

Probably best draw a line under what has happened on this occasion, clean up, move on. Tomorrow's a new day.

I have to say, right or wrong, that tomorrow when he asked for TV/whatever other treat I'd hand him a damp cloth and explain that there's no TV now, because he needs to clean up the mess he made yesterday. Actions-consequences.

Mine deliberately pissed on our bedroom carpet at that age because he was in a rage! Can't remember what the tantrum was about but he stood just inside the bathroom door and glared at us while weeing out of the bathroom and onto the carpet! They're little horrors at that age 🤣

This is what I'd do, I think

Probably totally frowned upon on MN but in my day you would have got a sharp smack on the backside. Wouldn’t have done it again in a hurry.

At 3 years old they don't get to make the decision not to get out of the car.
You pick them up and remove them from the vehicle.
He's 3 not 13 ffs

Yes of course I can pick him up and remove him I have done plenty of times in the past but I also know that would escalate him and usually just walking off he will begrudgingly follow. Obviously I wont do it again after he's done this but it's worked in the past!

Honestly I wouldn't leave a child that age line in the car, too many possible unfortunate outcomes.

Open door unclip " out now". End of, when he is out then get the baby. He doesn't get a choice as it is a safety issue.

.. put your feet up tonight and just thank god the days over OP!! Deep sign and start a fresh day tomorrow.. I wouldn’t say anything about it at all as it may encourage further behaviour like this when he’s feeling angry and powerless again, sounds like a primitive response, it will pass. 3 year olds are a nightmare but they don’t have much control over their feelings still. Your dc sounds like he has a right strong little character you will chuckle about it in years to come xx

Might this be about the baby? He feels like he's not getting to do things so much any more because of the baby and is upset and angry about it?

I wouldn't mention the weeing - don't let him know it's something he can use against you again! I'd do the opposite and try to give him more time if at all possible, if it might be because of the baby.

Naughty step, 1 min per year of life, the next time he acts up. Important that it happens straight after the event, and gives them time to regulate. Then you ask them at the end of the time, do you understand why you were on the naughty step, they explain and say sorry, big hugs after.

I also agree that get him to clean up the car as a consequence is important.

I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behaviour. But then I also wouldn’t leave a 3yo alone in a car… lesson learned OP.