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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

To ask what you'd do if your 3 year old did this?

89 replies

whatismumlife · 14/05/2023 19:50

Just questioning my parenting!

What would you do if your three year old, in protest to going home rather than 'somewhere fun' (that had never been promised!) refused to get out the car. You try and get them out, they aren't co-operating so you leave them and walk away and they come in a couple of minutes later in a huff. You later go out to your car and find the drivers seat soaked in piss, piss splashed all over the dash etc.

He hasn't done it in fear of being left alone, I literally walked around the corner and he isn't scared of being in the car. He didn't wet himself by accident. There's nothing on his clothes and his pants are dry. He's deliberately gotten it out and pissed on the drivers seat. He's climbed over from his seat to do it on my seat.

He's in bed now and I've discovered it and I'm furious and genuinely don't know what to do. It's such a bloody calculated thing to do! I'm really disappointed he'd do such a thing to be honest. I know he's little but he's old enough to know that's wrong (and rank)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pompypomppomp · 15/05/2023 00:18

So eye opening to read how some people treat their children in this thread. Then wonder why their children grow up anxious and detached.

pompypomppomp · 15/05/2023 00:19

frankgu · 15/05/2023 00:18

surely the naught step isn't as bad as smacking? although as someone who was smacked it didn't damage me in anyway

Obviously smacking is worse

pompypomppomp · 15/05/2023 00:23

ladydimitrescu · 14/05/2023 23:35

3 year olds are assholes, but they're also very little. His world has been changed by a baby sibling, he knows he's very cross but they don't know how to manage that at 3. I'm a bit shocked that anyone would send him to clean it up at 3 years old. Some of the replies are way too bloody harsh, he's 3 not 13.

Sending him to "clean" it up is probably the best suggestion on here. Cause and affect discipline, not harsh but real. I.e when you make a mess, you clean it up. The end, move on

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting

Hopehelps · 15/05/2023 00:24

I can’t believe some of the misguided advice here. He’s 3 - their brains aren’t developed enough to have the level of impulse control to think about consequences to actions. This takes place much later. No amount of pretend or otherwise cleaning up will stop him from doing it again! Just ignore and move on. Don’t invest the action with any adult meaning.

Three year olds are really young. Your son doesn’t have the same feelings of shame or revulsion about wee as we have as adults. It just doesn’t mean the same thing to them. And no, time out is not an effective tool - it doesn’t work. All it teaches the child is that if they are not emotionally regulated or can’t cope that they will find themselves isolated. Honestly people need to educate themselves about child development before making a 3 year old pick up a cloth to clean something they weed on, in a tantrum. He didn’t do it with the level of calculation that some of the posters are attributing to him. He’s just not that grown up!

Greenshake · 15/05/2023 00:26

Robinni · 14/05/2023 21:05

@FairAcre smacking is illegal.

Its legal in England.

frankgu · 15/05/2023 00:26

it wasn't obvious to me as pretty much everyone I know was smacked & we all have decent relationships with our parents & can recognise healthy ones. Is that uncommon then?

Robinni · 15/05/2023 00:31

pompypomppomp · 15/05/2023 00:17

The naughty step is an awful way to discipline a child. So much research against this method now. If you want to damage your relationship with your child in years to come and also give your child issues with creating healthy relationships- use the naughty step 🙄

Show quote history

Ok for the modern Mummies of 2023 here is some information on why the naughty step is terrible. And how you should listen and give choices and a whole lot of other stuff.

https://www.mffy.com/blog/time-to-say-no-to-the-naughty-step-what-to-do-instead?hs_amp=true

For me, my DS was at risk of causing himself injury, was biting other kids and lashing out at adults. This was the only thing that worked to calm him down to a point where conversation was possible.

Urinating on the family car in my book would be the same level of bad behaviour.

Chose whatever strategy you feel is best for your child OP, you have been given plenty of options.

Time to say no to the naughty step - what to do instead

Figuring out how to best support your child as they learn about the world and themselves can feel complex at times

https://www.mffy.com/blog/time-to-say-no-to-the-naughty-step-what-to-do-instead?hs_amp=true

Okthenhun · 15/05/2023 00:32

Yes, assault him by hitting him - that'll teach him!

Jesus christ. He's 3.

MakesMeFeelSad · 15/05/2023 00:35

He'd be claening it and there would be no going any where nice for a few days because it needs to dry

No wonder there's so many awfully behaved children about when people are willing to ignore this kind of behaviour .

Not only did he piss in the car, he purposely did it on ops seat

Miriam101 · 15/05/2023 09:47

Agree an act of impulsive rebellion rather than anything calculated- don't judge him by adult or older kid standards. 3y olds are still pretty tiny. I remember one fine day when our 3yo pissed on our bedroom floor because she was mad at me. This was a few months after her little sibling arrived and in retrospect she was all mixed up and discombobulated- but of course I didn't see it like that- it felt like she was doing it to troll me! Anyway, she never did it again.

In terms of dealing with it I think the most effective and reasonable response is PPs' suggestion of natural consequences: something like "oh dear well I was going to take you to XXX today but I'm afraid we can't because we can't use the car because you peed over the seat, what a shame, it's all stinky so we can't go anyway today, boring" etc etc. Breathe. And move on.

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/05/2023 10:02

I would talk to him and say that thing he wants to do that costs money e.g. soft play l
or a day out is now cancelled because the money has to go on car cleaning.

In future though toddler out first and baby waits. 3YOs are impulsive and now he can unbuckle the seat he could do anything- just think if he’d taken the handbrake off instead of peeing.

anon12093 · 15/05/2023 10:05

My kids would have got a row for that.

SabbatWheel · 15/05/2023 10:09

Dr Beckmann Carpet Cleaner will help clean the seat if it’s fabric. It’s brilliant stuff.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/05/2023 10:11

He would be helping clean the car, and he would be walking a lot more in future since he can't be trusted to behave in the car.

MrsRinaDecker · 15/05/2023 10:20

Is he only just 3 or almost 4? And how new is the baby?
I remember how grown up 3 seemed with my oldest children and how little it seems now that they’re all almost grown!
I really don’t know how I would have reacted, and I agree it’s awkward when you haven’t found out until the next day. I hope today is better and it was just a one off blip.

DaisyWaldron · 15/05/2023 10:28

I'd get him to help you clean up the car tomorrow, and use the time to talk to him about what happened and what was going on his mind, and then, with his input, come up with a plan for what you would both do differently in a similar situation in the future. That might mean coming up with strategies to help him manage big emotions, or you explaining that you need to keep him and your stuff (and other people) safe, and how he will be supervised during tantrums in future.

3WildOnes · 15/05/2023 10:29

anon12093 · 15/05/2023 10:05

My kids would have got a row for that.

What does this mean? Where I am a row means an argument?

I think if I had noticed straight after I would have got him to clean it up. However, as he is already asleep I would probably just forget about it now. I think it is always best to start everyday fresh. He is also less likely to do it again if he gets no reaction.

LimitMyScreenTime · 15/05/2023 10:33

3WildOnes · 15/05/2023 10:29

What does this mean? Where I am a row means an argument?

Show quote history

Where I am, a row means a good telling off. East Scotland.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/05/2023 10:34

He's 3
He's not reasonable and not is he supposed to be
You annoyed him and he took umbrage and did something naughty
They do things like this from time to time.....

Address it but please don't retaliate as suggested by another poster....

SaltyGod · 15/05/2023 10:35

Putting myself in this situation I'd have likely taken him out of the car by force when he refused to come out and carried him into the house. And if he kicked off it would be straight to his bedroom. I too had a very wilful 3yr old

But, if I had left him in the car and he'd damaged in as your DC has I'd be so furious. I would have sent him to his room to calm down and get changed by himself. And then he'd be cleaning up the mess. And there would be a big appropriate long lasting consequence.

I'm cross just thinking about it tbh.

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 10:37

FairAcre · 14/05/2023 20:32

Probably totally frowned upon on MN but in my day you would have got a sharp smack on the backside. Wouldn’t have done it again in a hurry.

Yeah, my mum done this to me when I threatened to wee on the doormat because she wouldn't come to the toilet with me because I was scared.... I soon got over my fear and never tried to wee on the doormat again haha!

watcherintherye · 15/05/2023 10:48

Lift him out next time, and leave baby screaming for a couple of minutes. The youngest has to wait if they are secured and safe in their car seat. Toilet the 3yo once in the house then go back for baby.
I really don’t think it’s a good idea to leave a baby alone in the car while you take another child indoors to the toilet.

smacking is illegal.
Not advocating it, but actually it isn’t in England.

justgettingthroughtheday · 15/05/2023 10:57

Blimey this thread is ridiculous! No wonder the behaviour of children is so shocking theses days.
He is 3 not 3 months. He's old enough to learn consequences!!! He absolutely should be told off and punished! He did it deliberately not by accident!
If he was mine he would be made to clean the car up and no fun journeys in the car for awhile. He would loose screen privileges too.

If you don't teach kids right from wrong and install some bloody respect in them then you end up with the shitty behaviour we see in a huge percentage of young people today!

Noteification · 15/05/2023 11:03

justgettingthroughtheday · 15/05/2023 10:57

If you don't teach kids right from wrong and install some bloody respect in them then you end up with the shitty behaviour we see in a huge percentage of young people today!

This.

Mutabiliss · 15/05/2023 11:04

I can't believe people are actually suggesting he should be smacked, and giving that old line about it not damaging them. FFS. There is masses and masses of research about how damaging corporal punishment is for children.

Three year olds brains are simply not developed enough to understand punishment the next day. If you'd seen him do it and reacted then, yes of course he should be told off (sternly but calmly) and I think depending on how close to 4, maybe cleaning it up and then not having time for TV/garden/whatever fun thing he likes would be appropriate. But you can't 'give a row' to a three year old about something that they did yesterday in anger. They'll have forgotten all about it, and when you remind them they'll think 'Aha, mum went mad about me peeing on the car seat and looked funny when she was shouting... I'll do that again!'.

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