Explaining mental load

[OhwhyOY]

What's the best way anyone has come across to explain the mental load of parenting to someone who doesn't get it? My friend and i were talking yesterday about our DC (both 2) and how hard it is sometimes to get their dads/grandparents etc to understand that physical childcare is in a way the easiest part of having a child, it's the endless other responsibilities, decisions etc on top of the childcare that make it so exhausting, particularly with that mental load often falling on one parent. Would love a snappy way of explaining it or a good article or something.

This is pretty good, if they're prepared to spend a minute reading.

This is the best explanation I've seen.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Make a list of your typical mental load in a day/ week. Of course that is one more job, but only needs to be done once (hopefully).

Personally I think this is a load of over dramatic bollocks.

More generally, why are people married to men who don't have the basic fucking common sense to just see what needs to be done and just do it? They're presumably an adult, presumably with a job which they manage to do without their hands constantly being held. Parenting isn't some thing these men are helping with. It's not some kind of secret inner circle where women have to explain some secret recipe of a mental load to another functioning human being (because they have a penis so they don't understand it).

It's called living an adult life. It's called being a parent. No one knows how it's going to be before they do it, but you're both parents, you work it out and you do it. Women need to set their bar so they expect their co parent to be both competent and unselfish, and just as able to do everything.

Sorry I meant to say this is a load of over dramatic bollocks.

My DH is pretty good on most things but I have never found a way to split the mental load of parenting ( him asking "have you done x" just gets annoying, me telling him " please do x" still means I have to plan it and him just doing it may result in it getting done twice. Not great when my kids are school age so x us often paying for something.
We found a semi decent split is I deal with kids stuff, he deals with house/car stuff.

Thanks @Viewfrommyhouse and @blankittyblank for those links, very useful.

@MagicPortalToMarriage I entirely get where you're coming from. However the problem here is less 'why aren't they contributing as they should be', as in the case of both my friend and I our partners fully contribute on chores etc. It's more the 'project management' piece of family life that isn't recognised. But agree with you it really shouldn't be something you have to explain, I think it's the nature of one person having to do it for practical reasons (partners who work away lots) that means the other doesn't recognise what having that burden is like. It's needing to plan and be on top of everything rather than just the doing of said things.

I think a good solid example is the best way. For instance (I know this is a trivial example, but it's the most recent one I have) my toddler went to a birthday party at the weekend.

I:

• Checked calendar, rearranged a delivery we had coming that would have clashed
• Responded to parent saying we were going, asked about an allergy issue
• Bought and wrapped present
• Got outfit ready
• Woke toddler early, went to park to tire out, basically forced early nap to make timings work
• Prepped toddler re. what would be happening, expectations etc
• Looked up directions and how long it would take to get there (never been to venue before)
• Packed bag, water, wipes etc

My husband:

• Drove
• Attended

😂

(Before anyone says I've got a useless husband, he takes on the mental load for other things. But the above is an example where I took it on. And that's what it is!)

I've found it helpful to be use technology to share a lot of this stuff. We have a shared calendar on our phones- sounds simple but lots of parents don't seem to. It totally saves us aggro- everything goes in there and we both check in several times a day so are across what needs doing.

Another thing that helps is to clearly delegate areas of life to each other- eg I do all the nursery admin, my husband does all medical appointment admin, we both take it in turns to meal plan and do the online shop etc.
It takes quite a lot of effort initially, especially if you've been used to doing the lion's share ie on maternity leave, so it seems almost easier to carry on. But like any habit, it can be broken. I feel like smartphones make this kind of stuff a lot easier.

What I haven't totally found an answer to is the kind of emotional labour that comes with being the preferred comforter/ tantrum diffuser. Yes my husband is capable and happy to do this, but if I'm in the house, I'm first choice. I think that must just be because I was off on mat leave for that amount of time. In some ways, the maternity leave period kind of sets women up to take on all of this work almost by default.

Checked calendar, rearranged a delivery we had coming that would have clashed
• Responded to parent saying we were going, asked about an allergy issue
• Bought and wrapped present
• Got outfit ready
• Woke toddler early, went to park to tire out, basically forced early nap to make timings work
• Prepped toddler re. what would be happening, expectations etc
• Looked up directions and how long it would take to get there (never been to venue before)
• Packed bag, water, wipes etc

Fuck me. Your child went to a party. How on earth do you cope with something actually complicated like moving house if you make this much of a meal of things?

"Prepared toddler"
"Got outfit ready" Fucking hell

Can I ask if you have more DCs, and if you work? I do genuinely think you could make life a lot easier for yourself and also make yourself less stressed by overthinking what is basically simple every day life.

How many parties do you go to a year? If it's lots, perhaps buy a bulk load of little gifts and gift bags to save your time wrapping (and better for the environment). It may take 30 mins as an initial investment but saves time and stress. Things like books or art stuff are good? and stick the gift receipt in the bag. We always kept a bag ready ie took a minute to refill it after we had used it and just kept it in the hall ready to go.

Rearranging a delivery I agree is a pain in the arse but I take it that doesn't happen every time you have a party.

Checked calendar and responded, asked about allergy - perhaps a couple of texts, five mins?
Have presents ready as above
Got outfit ready and woke toddler - normal everyday stuff, perhaps nicer outfit than usual
Went to park and napped - everyday thing except you made it a bit earlier.
Prepared toddler - just have a conversation in the car while your DH drove? No extra time out of the day required.
Looked up venue - one minute on Google maps.
Packed bag - have it ready as above.

No need for all the listing of onerous tasks as though it was a trip to Mount Everest.

Admittedly my DC are older but this actually took longer back then as it involved written invites and responses and an A to Z, phones make everything so much quicker and easier! One of my DC had SN so arrangements were complicated - the downside of that was that they weren't invited to any parties. Being invited to a party is such a lovely thing for a DC, it's not worth complaining about stuff like having to get a bag ready FFS.

My DH was actually the SAHP at some points so did all this, if he had presented me with a list like that complaining about the mental load I would have laughed - and he wouldn't have done it as he had a sense of proportion! And as an adult I was interested in what was going on in DCs lives even if I was at work all day, I knew when their parties and parents evenings were, I could see when DH looked knackered and suggested he sat down while I did bedtime, I would think it was almost time for buying school uniform and we needed to get on it. If I was away/working late I'd ring him after bedtime and let him moan about parents evening

We were, and are, are equal parents no matter who is doing the work at home and who is doing the work at work, and looked after each other as much as looking after the DC. It needs to be like this from the start. It's not some kind of unobtainable utopia, it's just setting out your stall and boundaries from the start.

Erm...sorry, what?

I didn't say I was stressed, or that any of this was onerous, I didn't say I needed tips on gift buying, that any of it took a long time, or that I was complaining. I didn't overthink or make a meal of anything. I said in my comment that I know it's a trivial example.

All I said was that's what I think the "mental load" is - thinking of the stuff around an event or task. OP was asking how to describe it. I didn't say "this is what it is, and I'm drowning in it!!" 😭

No you can't ask whether I work or have other kids, because I don't need your help 😆

With all your "fuck me", "fucking hell" and "FFS" you sound a lot more stressed than I am!

This exchange illustrates the point that it’s really hard to get people to ascribe any value to the invisible planning that goes in behind the scenes. All those things are tiny and not a big deal or a problem (as @takealettermsjones clearly states) but they add up and if one person (usually the woman) is doing all of them all of the time, then it is a burden. She has written them all out to break down every little thing that crosses her mind - of course it sounds a bit ridiculous all written out like that as if she’s spending ages agonising over each one but even as tiny split second thoughts they add up. And add all those tiny split second thoughts and considerations to the ones associated with every family event and that is literally THE MENTAL LOAD!!

Half the problem of the mental load is that if you give an example it’s easy to belittle, dismiss and ridicule it as nothing to worry about but it’s the cumulative impact of millions of those tiny thoughts that is the problem. If @takealettermsjones hadnt spent a few seconds thinking about each of those little things she would have had an overtired toddler with no gift to take to the party, possibly arriving a bit late. It’s not a massive problem, no - but it’s not ideal and if you want to make things nicer than the bare minimum of survival, then some mental work is needed. Sadly, many men would be applauded for achieving the bare minimum so they think that’s fine, whereas a woman has been taught to demand more of herself or people will judge and criticise her. That’s probably the main reason why the mental load remains a depressingly female load to bear.

There's 5 of us. Me, DH, 3DC.

Without all the extra life admin, there's the feeding, washing and laundry for 5 people.

So, (again, this is just these 3 small aspects) I have to meal plan for the week, because DTwins need food as soon as they get back from nursery, then DS eats later with us, or before us if he's got something on. We eat when DTwins have gone to bed. So I need to plan food depending on the households activities. Online shop. Then pop to other shop for things I can't get online. 5 people have to get dressed in the morning. Has DS got the right PE kit washed? Has DH got the shirt he needs? DTwins are doing forest school, don't forget the change of shoes. And the extra wipes that nursery messaged about on Friday. Are there clean towels in everyone's bathroom? DD peed her bed this morning, must strip, air, and remake that. DTwins are home tomorrow so they can have a bath in the morning instead, and I can take them to see DM after, so I'll need to pick up those trousers she wants to turn up, and also the dogs will be there and it's raining so need to locate puddle suits and make sure they're clean. DS has enrichment tomorrow, so he needs to take £3 extra in with him for materials, and some overalls, need to check where they are and that they're clean.

It's just the inability to switch off, because you always have to remember something for someone. All the stuff that goes unseen, but that takes up most of your time and effort.

I remember once, I was batch cooking for, to try and get ahead with some meals, because we had a lot on the following week, while DH was rummaging through his drawer, and looking huffy, "have I got any clean pants?!"

I can remember just responding, "I don't know, have I got any clean pants???!" And there was a little pang of realisation on his face that perhaps, as a grown adult, he might have some idea of his own laundry.

Ah yes, mental load. I know it well. The resources look great!

I've explained this concept to my partner, who shares equally in the doing, but isn't so great at the thinking/planning/organising/prioritising that facilitates the doing. Part of this is due to his dyslexia and ADHD, but he's also... a man. With his neurodivergence in the mix, there's not a lot we can do to seriously address the mental load I carry, except to continue to communicate and work together on how he can redress the balance. Mostly we're okay at it, and when we're not I get to have a good loud moan and he listens and acknowledges what I do for the family in this respect. That goes a long way, and like PP have said, tech helps. And I will say that my partner, being a far more securely attached, patient, positive and calm person than I am in general, pulls a lot of weight when it comes to emotional stability. I try to remember that when I'm feeling the pressure, and it's something I need to work on helping him with in return. He's the smiling rock. I'm the worrier/overthinker. Both of those traits feel a bit necessary for our family to work.

Also, @MagicPortalToMarriage if you don't understand the concept of mental load, I'm not sure why you're weighing in? The point is, if someone (usually a woman) doesn't do that thinking, then all sorts of things just don't happen, or they go wrong in such a way as to have a negative impact, such as making even more work, taking more time, causing distress that could've all been prevented. Then someone (usually a woman) has to go out of their way to mop up all of that consequence. Once upon a time, we only had to think for ourselves (note for not about), then we acquired partners who expect us to think for everyone. It's fundamentally unfair. They have brains too. Why should our brains pay this tax, when theirs don't have to? When they have all those minutes free in the day to just... daydream? Think about what pleases them? And, it's relaxing to have that freedom, which helps to bolster their mental health and wellbeing, while those carrying the mental load on their behalf suffer the loss of their headspace in real ways - tiredness, worry, anxiety, depression. It's like having a job, except the expectation is that you don't clock out. Carrying the mental load is real work. It's just unseen and unpaid.

Part of this is due to his dyslexia and ADHD, but he's also... a man.

No, men are not inherently bad at it. DH lived alone before he met me and did just fine, if he'd suddenly expected me to mentally manage the house when we moved in together, or when DDs were born, I'd have had none of it. I'm not saying the mental load doesn't exist, or that women don't do the majority, but that's because their partners are lazy, not because they're incapable. And these lazy men really benefit from the idea that this is just something men in general are shit at, that only mums can understand it etc etc.

(I accept your point about his neurodivergence, I'm talking just about your comment on him being a man)

@WeWereInParis Yes, and my comment doesn't suggest that individual men are incapable. I was pointing to the fact that my partner is indeed a man, and their gender, and society, seems to have granted them the freedom to not even consider the need to carry a mental load. In much the same way that patriarchy harms us all, the better ones often aren't even fully conscious of how they lean back in this respect. And then of course it's more fucking work to educate them, however decent they are...

We're not talking at cross purposes.

"ve explained this concept to my partner, who shares equally in the doing, but isn't so great at the thinking/planning/organising/prioritising that facilitates the doing. Part of this is due to his dyslexia and ADHD, but he's also... a man."

Attitudes like this contribute to why women are complaining about their DHs not being equal parents/partners. Having a penis has no bearing at all on thinking/planning/organising, it doesn't even come into the fucking equation! Why is this accepted and normalised?

The only thing men can't do is (obviously) gestate, birth and breastfeed but they can change fucking beds and nappies and meal plan and deal with every single bit of minutiae of parenting and housework that women can.

How on earth can you get to the point in 2023 where your husband is looking huffy asking if he has got any clean pants?

God this is infuriating. Thank god my DDs won't (and don't) put up with being treated like this and my DSs don't treat women like this.

Let's hope all the DC we are bringing up (or have brought up) on this thread won't ever have to start threads like this

I agree with PP about a sensible split. DH and I never explicitly discussed a split but it goes as follows:

DH: House stuff, bills, food planning, shopping and cooking.

Me: everything child related (except what to feed them).

I genuinely don’t even have to think about paying one bill or what to eat for lunch.

Just to add, I do keep on top of laundry and cleaning (again, except the kitchen)

I wasn't suggesting that my partner was incapable because he has a penis. Far from it.

But, to suggest that my partner somehow sits outside the patriarchy is utterly bonkers. None of us do, sadly. He is in fact a straight cis man who benefits from it, however much of a feminist he is. A handful of men thinking about what to make for dinner does not undo that system of power and privilege, which has its effects. It's a start, but I think there's more work to be done than that.

You're sort of talking about dismantling that system, which I'm all in favour of, believe me. But that begins by acknowledging its pervasiveness. Being a man in our society is a position of privilege, whether those individuals choose to acknowledge (and wield) that privilege doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The expectation is different for them. That's what I meant when I pointed out the fact my partner is a man. I challenge the expectations for his gender because I believe that patriarchy is damaging to us all. He doesn't get a free pass because he's got a dick. Totally the opposite.

I'm not sure berating other women for the way they choose to live is the way to smash the patriarchy. I agree that mental load should be split but the are things that stop that such as whether one partner works more hours than the other. For example I am on maternity leave. My DH works 50 hour weeks. He can't keep up with how many Oz of milk or what to do if DS takes a small feed, won't nap etc. It changes so often and he only gets to do it 2 days a week where as I'm there 7. If someone is happy to live the way they are, why do we need to tell that that's wrong? Live and let live no? The pp posts come across a bit; my way is the only way. Every one else is wrong. Personally I find it infuriating that women insist on trying to shame others. Too many posts on this forum are like, you've chosen the incorrect terminology. My husband doesn't 'help' he co parents etc. Therefore the person who posted is wrong and must be told off. I hope your DD lives in a works where their choices are celebrated by other women. 🤷 That would smash the patriarchy.

I read your post and didn't want to berate you or patronise you. I want you to teach me your ways you are a miracle worker! You got a toddler to nap early 🙌🙌🙌 I bow down to you.

Haha, I just woke her up early and chased her around the park for a bit! On another day it might not have worked, it was never a sure thing 😆

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

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