Page 3 | Explaining mental load

OhwhyOY · 2023-05-01T13:58:43+00:00

What's the best way anyone has come across to explain the mental load of parenting to someone who doesn't get it? My friend and i were talking yesterday about our DC (both 2) and how hard it is sometimes to get their dads/grandparents etc to understand that physical childcare is in a way the easiest part of having a child, it's the endless other responsibilities, decisions etc on top of the childcare that make it so exhausting, particularly with that mental load often falling on one parent. Would love a snappy way of explaining it or a good article or something.

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Bbq1 · 03/05/2023 17:50

takealettermsjones · 02/05/2023 09:37

I think a good solid example is the best way. For instance (I know this is a trivial example, but it's the most recent one I have) my toddler went to a birthday party at the weekend.

I:

• Checked calendar, rearranged a delivery we had coming that would have clashed
• Responded to parent saying we were going, asked about an allergy issue
• Bought and wrapped present
• Got outfit ready
• Woke toddler early, went to park to tire out, basically forced early nap to make timings work
• Prepped toddler re. what would be happening, expectations etc
• Looked up directions and how long it would take to get there (never been to venue before)
• Packed bag, water, wipes etc

My husband:

• Drove
• Attended

😂

(Before anyone says I've got a useless husband, he takes on the mental load for other things. But the above is an example where I took it on. And that's what it is!)

Blimey your toddler was attending a party and you broke the prep sown into that many steps?! Basically you took dc to park, changed their clothes and bought a present. We all do stuff like this daily and it's just LIFE. I don't feel much mental load in wrapping a present etc. .
Do you work, Op?

Caspianberg · 03/05/2023 18:10

I get it.
We are away from tomorrow ( expat back to see family). Dh has done his bit but about 20% of the mental load. I looked up all the flight options, I found air b and bs near family, hotel, booked car at airport. Dh then sat with me and confirmed.
Iv told nursery Ds won’t be in, Called pharmacy for extra allergy medicine, made sure we have toddler snacks in and entertainment for flight. Packed all my and Ds stuff. Bought gifts for family, made some reservations to places during trip, lined up visiting certain friends and family.

Dh has today checked us in for flight and charged car ready, and printed some stuff. Packed his clothes.

takealettermsjones · 03/05/2023 18:44

Bbq1 · 03/05/2023 17:50

Blimey your toddler was attending a party and you broke the prep sown into that many steps?! Basically you took dc to park, changed their clothes and bought a present. We all do stuff like this daily and it's just LIFE. I don't feel much mental load in wrapping a present etc. .
Do you work, Op?

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Oh my lord. Please read my other comments on this thread. I'm not repeating it all again.

Lijay · 03/05/2023 18:59

Bbq1 · 03/05/2023 17:50

Blimey your toddler was attending a party and you broke the prep sown into that many steps?! Basically you took dc to park, changed their clothes and bought a present. We all do stuff like this daily and it's just LIFE. I don't feel much mental load in wrapping a present etc. .
Do you work, Op?

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Blimey you read a post about how to define mental load but instead felt the need to try and pick apart a post from someone trying to help.
Be better not bitter babes.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 03/05/2023 19:00

@MagicPortalToMarriage I think that I may be in love with you.

G5000 · 03/05/2023 19:00

DH tried it once. 'I'll cook! OK. So what will I cook? Do we have any rice? Where's the cutting board?"

That's not taking over cooking. Cooking is planning the menu based on family's preferences and what else we have aleady recently eaten. It's checking the fridge to see what is about to expite. It's shopping. It's planning your timing so broccoli is not cooked to mush while carrots are still raw. Then it's the actual cooking and knowing where things are in your own kitchen. Then listening to children who whine that they don't like it.

And the same applies to anything that we have agreed is his job - I don't want to hear about what you did or need to do, I don't want a commentary, I don't want to even think about the tasks not on my list, they just need to be done. No bloody 'Oh just tell me what to do, I can help!' Because that will still keep it all on my list.

Bbq1 · 03/05/2023 19:12

Lijay · 03/05/2023 18:59

Blimey you read a post about how to define mental load but instead felt the need to try and pick apart a post from someone trying to help.
Be better not bitter babes.

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Okay babes. I'm not bitter hun maybe I just don't feel the need to break down every little thing I do into steps. It gets a bit old hearing how it is so relentless and such a hard slog being a mum. Same people who call normal jobs like paying bills etc "life admin". Not everyone feels like that about being a mum. Doesn't make you bitter because you don't find motherhood hard and actually enjoy it without viewing it as a huge mental load. I also wasn't "picking apart" a pp but the Op.

Lijay · 03/05/2023 19:32

Bbq1 · 03/05/2023 19:12

Okay babes. I'm not bitter hun maybe I just don't feel the need to break down every little thing I do into steps. It gets a bit old hearing how it is so relentless and such a hard slog being a mum. Same people who call normal jobs like paying bills etc "life admin". Not everyone feels like that about being a mum. Doesn't make you bitter because you don't find motherhood hard and actually enjoy it without viewing it as a huge mental load. I also wasn't "picking apart" a pp but the Op.

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If you're tired of hearing about it, perhaps don't read a post on it? I dunno maybe that would help you growing tired of the topic?

No no, you were picking apart the post about taking a toddler to a party. That wasn't the OP.

TulipCat · 03/05/2023 19:39

I found that my dh only really got mental load once he started dealing with football for my DS and I said that was now his area. He was the one on the WhatsApp group, had to make sure kit was clean, sort out new boots if he outgrew them, sort out snacks and water, lift shares, make sure DS cleaned his boots etc. In his mind originally "football" was just taking him to matches!

HeavyHeidi · 03/05/2023 20:39

TulipCat same here, except for basketball. It's quite amazing to have some areas in our family life that I feel not one bit responsible for. DH is in the group, he gets the messages about what is going on and who needs to be where and wearing what. I have no idea - I'm just occasionally informed that there's a match at a certain time if I want to go see. Must be amazing to be an average father and feel the same way about 99% of things happening around the house - socks magically appear, school bake sale taken care of, great aunt got her thank you note..

InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 20:42

TulipCat · 03/05/2023 19:39

I found that my dh only really got mental load once he started dealing with football for my DS and I said that was now his area. He was the one on the WhatsApp group, had to make sure kit was clean, sort out new boots if he outgrew them, sort out snacks and water, lift shares, make sure DS cleaned his boots etc. In his mind originally "football" was just taking him to matches!

This is a really good example.

Laundry is not just opening a door, grabbing what's at the top of the laundry basket, shoving clothes in and pushing start.

It's knowing DS spilled something down his school trousers another pair need going in, because he can't wear that pair again tomorrow, which means you need a dark wash on, but DD needs her red dress for the coronation party, so the coloured wash needs to go on, and DH will have that meeting after work, so are two shirts clean and ironed ready to change into. And you need to take the dog to the groomers, so you won't be at home to take one wash out and put the next in, so the first wash needs to go in now, before you start dinner, and remembering to get the stuff for the second wash out, so you don't forget it as you're rushing out the door to drop the eldest at hockey with the reluctant dog in tow.

One is the physical act of doing the laundry, the other is the thought process, which you only have by knowing the routines and requirements of everyone else. Call it life, call it mental load, but what OP is trying to define is what all the "extra" unseen bits are.

MagicPortalToMarriage · 04/05/2023 19:37

"It's knowing DS spilled something down his school trousers another pair need going in, because he can't wear that pair again tomorrow, which means you need a dark wash on, but DD needs her red dress for the coronation party, so the coloured wash needs to go on, and DH will have that meeting after work, so are two shirts clean and ironed ready to change into. And you need to take the dog to the groomers, so you won't be at home to take one wash out and put the next in, so the first wash needs to go in now, before you start dinner, and remembering to get the stuff for the second wash out, so you don't forget it as you're rushing out the door to drop the eldest at hockey with the reluctant dog in tow"

Fucking hell it's called doing the washing. As @Babdoc said how do you think working parents got on with all this basic everyday stuff for years?

Also, if you're moaning about DH not doing his fair share, why on earth are you doing his laundry and worrying about his clean shirts for work and ironing them FFS.

People making a total meal of stuff, exaggerating basic everyday living and making themselves martyrs really aren't helping themselves.

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 19:40

MagicPortalToMarriage · 04/05/2023 19:37

"It's knowing DS spilled something down his school trousers another pair need going in, because he can't wear that pair again tomorrow, which means you need a dark wash on, but DD needs her red dress for the coronation party, so the coloured wash needs to go on, and DH will have that meeting after work, so are two shirts clean and ironed ready to change into. And you need to take the dog to the groomers, so you won't be at home to take one wash out and put the next in, so the first wash needs to go in now, before you start dinner, and remembering to get the stuff for the second wash out, so you don't forget it as you're rushing out the door to drop the eldest at hockey with the reluctant dog in tow"

Fucking hell it's called doing the washing. As @Babdoc said how do you think working parents got on with all this basic everyday stuff for years?

Also, if you're moaning about DH not doing his fair share, why on earth are you doing his laundry and worrying about his clean shirts for work and ironing them FFS.

People making a total meal of stuff, exaggerating basic everyday living and making themselves martyrs really aren't helping themselves.

Er...I'm not moaning?

And you miss the point. Yes, it's called putting the washing on. But it takes a little more thought than picking up the nearest handful of random clothes and turning the machine on.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/05/2023 19:42

MagicPortalToMarriage · 01/05/2023 15:23

Personally I think this is a load of over dramatic bollocks.

More generally, why are people married to men who don't have the basic fucking common sense to just see what needs to be done and just do it? They're presumably an adult, presumably with a job which they manage to do without their hands constantly being held. Parenting isn't some thing these men are helping with. It's not some kind of secret inner circle where women have to explain some secret recipe of a mental load to another functioning human being (because they have a penis so they don't understand it).

It's called living an adult life. It's called being a parent. No one knows how it's going to be before they do it, but you're both parents, you work it out and you do it. Women need to set their bar so they expect their co parent to be both competent and unselfish, and just as able to do everything.

agree -"mental load" is just being an adult, everyone does it to some extent or other, and the "mental load" associated with childrearing is virtually non existent.

MagicPortalToMarriage · 04/05/2023 19:49

I was actually thinking before how much I would have LOVED to have Alexa when my DC were little - it would have been amazing. "Set a reminder for 7am Wednesday to put PE kit in bag" "add a Babybels to shopping list" sort of thing. It would have made life so much easier. Routines, alarms etc. I think there is so much stuff now to make parenting so much quicker and easier. Apps for school, submitting homework online and seeing results...

G5000 · 05/05/2023 17:35

everyone does it to some extent or other

Right, so if one parent does 99% and the other does 1, it's all fine because they both do their share?

Lijay · 05/05/2023 17:48

MagicPortalToMarriage · 04/05/2023 19:37

"It's knowing DS spilled something down his school trousers another pair need going in, because he can't wear that pair again tomorrow, which means you need a dark wash on, but DD needs her red dress for the coronation party, so the coloured wash needs to go on, and DH will have that meeting after work, so are two shirts clean and ironed ready to change into. And you need to take the dog to the groomers, so you won't be at home to take one wash out and put the next in, so the first wash needs to go in now, before you start dinner, and remembering to get the stuff for the second wash out, so you don't forget it as you're rushing out the door to drop the eldest at hockey with the reluctant dog in tow"

Fucking hell it's called doing the washing. As @Babdoc said how do you think working parents got on with all this basic everyday stuff for years?

Also, if you're moaning about DH not doing his fair share, why on earth are you doing his laundry and worrying about his clean shirts for work and ironing them FFS.

People making a total meal of stuff, exaggerating basic everyday living and making themselves martyrs really aren't helping themselves.

Can I ask why you care so much? You're on a post about mental load. Which you don't agree with... Fine. But the thought process confuses me. You see said post and go 'these women MUST be told it's bollocks' I must tell them they are just 'fucking doing the washing' or 'just fucking taking a toddler to a party'?

Maybe take on some mental load and keep yourself busy 😜

Reallybadidea · 05/05/2023 17:50

G5000 · 05/05/2023 17:35

everyone does it to some extent or other

Right, so if one parent does 99% and the other does 1, it's all fine because they both do their share?

Exactly. Whatever you want to call (or even if you have no specific name for it) what matters is whether it is being shared equally. It almost always isn't.

InceyWinceySpidy · 05/05/2023 20:55

Lijay · 05/05/2023 17:48

Can I ask why you care so much? You're on a post about mental load. Which you don't agree with... Fine. But the thought process confuses me. You see said post and go 'these women MUST be told it's bollocks' I must tell them they are just 'fucking doing the washing' or 'just fucking taking a toddler to a party'?

Maybe take on some mental load and keep yourself busy 😜

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Very well put indeed!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/05/2023 05:52

G5000 · 05/05/2023 17:35

everyone does it to some extent or other

Right, so if one parent does 99% and the other does 1, it's all fine because they both do their share?

Hate to say it but it sounds like you have a DH problem. It sounds like a lot on this thread have a DH problem, maybe you should all be posting on the relationships board as 'Mental load' seems to mean you are all in relationships where your other halves are basically taking advantage of you, or have I go that wrong?

Whydoievenbother · 06/05/2023 05:59

blankittyblank · 01/05/2023 15:03

This is the best explanation I've seen.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I found this excellent. It's like the very rare time your H takes DC out, they do the fun bit, but you get the clothes ready, you prepare the snacks, you get them ready etc. H gives DC a bath (with him), which is great. But I get the towel ready, get the new clothes ready, new sheets for cot, meal prepared and served after. So again, he does the 'fun' bit. It's exhausting and draining.

Lijay1 · 06/05/2023 06:32

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/05/2023 05:52

Hate to say it but it sounds like you have a DH problem. It sounds like a lot on this thread have a DH problem, maybe you should all be posting on the relationships board as 'Mental load' seems to mean you are all in relationships where your other halves are basically taking advantage of you, or have I go that wrong?

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According to Mumsnet if any woman has any ounce of stress in her life... She has a DH problem 🤷

CurlewKate · 06/05/2023 07:11

Two questions. Who buys and wraps presents to take to birthday parties? Who organises dealing with nits?

Whydoievenbother · 06/05/2023 07:15

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/05/2023 05:52

Hate to say it but it sounds like you have a DH problem. It sounds like a lot on this thread have a DH problem, maybe you should all be posting on the relationships board as 'Mental load' seems to mean you are all in relationships where your other halves are basically taking advantage of you, or have I go that wrong?

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I agree I'm sure many of us have a DH problem. Although I also assume even those with great partners possibly have this issue? It's being the default for everything. I guess maybe even some siblings may have this with parents (eg of one child takes the 'load' by default), it's probably just more overwhelming with children as they are solely reliant on you and it's 24/7. I can honestly say I never experienced this until having a child myslef, despite being in many other mentally stressful and draining situations

PurpleBugz · 06/05/2023 07:15

I have seen a dad deny the existence of the mental load/that he doesn't do his fair share. There was a big group of mums talking about it. His wife turned to him asked what the kids shoe sizes were and when are they next due the dentist. He didn't know and it made the point

Explaining mental load

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