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Original poster

Explaining mental load

92 replies

OhwhyOY · 01/05/2023 14:58

What's the best way anyone has come across to explain the mental load of parenting to someone who doesn't get it? My friend and i were talking yesterday about our DC (both 2) and how hard it is sometimes to get their dads/grandparents etc to understand that physical childcare is in a way the easiest part of having a child, it's the endless other responsibilities, decisions etc on top of the childcare that make it so exhausting, particularly with that mental load often falling on one parent. Would love a snappy way of explaining it or a good article or something.

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Nimbostratus100 · 06/05/2023 07:27

PurpleBugz · 06/05/2023 07:15

I have seen a dad deny the existence of the mental load/that he doesn't do his fair share. There was a big group of mums talking about it. His wife turned to him asked what the kids shoe sizes were and when are they next due the dentist. He didn't know and it made the point

This is what I mean by the whole thin being invented. Who cares what shoe size their children are? You find out when you take them shopping. Who cares when they are next at the dentist? If you need one, put the appointment is in the calendar. All this shows is a woman inventing problems that need not exist. She is inventing "mental load" as a stick to beat he husband with. If she wants to carry that information around in her head, that is her choice, her partner doesnt have to. I am a single mum, I never did either. I took them to a dentist when they needed a dentist, and I took them show shopping when they needed new shoes. No "mental load" required, just normal living

CurlewKate · 06/05/2023 07:35

@Nimbostratus100 "I am a single mum, I never did either. I took them to a dentist when they needed a dentist" The point is-would you have automatically been the one to organise this if you were sharing parenting with the children's father? Of course you have to do it if you're on your own.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 06/05/2023 07:38

Nimbostratus100 · 06/05/2023 07:27

This is what I mean by the whole thin being invented. Who cares what shoe size their children are? You find out when you take them shopping. Who cares when they are next at the dentist? If you need one, put the appointment is in the calendar. All this shows is a woman inventing problems that need not exist. She is inventing "mental load" as a stick to beat he husband with. If she wants to carry that information around in her head, that is her choice, her partner doesnt have to. I am a single mum, I never did either. I took them to a dentist when they needed a dentist, and I took them show shopping when they needed new shoes. No "mental load" required, just normal living

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I don't think it's about the specifics, the shoe size is a bit of a red herring but she was probably trying to make a point.

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Hobbitfeet32 · 06/05/2023 07:52

Difficult to share ownership of tasks fully as you risk duplication or it not getting done.
A lot of the tasks mentioned here such as the load around birthday parties and present buying, cake sales etc really have an insignificant consequence if they don’t get done. I think if it causes so much stress then let some of it go. Maybe that’s why the dads don’t take it on, because it doesn’t really matter. I have never once got stressed about a cake sale,I usually forget they are happening or am at work so it’s not on my radar.

Tasks like getting the towel and clean clothes out for dads bathing children. I really don’t know why mums are doing this. Just stop doing it.

If you are unhappy with the balance of tasks with your partner speak to them and divide it up. But I’m doing this allow them to have ownership of the task, to complete it in their own timescale and to their own standard and if it doesn’t get done think about the actual consequences and whether it matters or not. If it matters then maybe you are with the wrong partner.

Spirographcity · 06/05/2023 07:55

CurlewKate · 06/05/2023 07:35

@Nimbostratus100 "I am a single mum, I never did either. I took them to a dentist when they needed a dentist" The point is-would you have automatically been the one to organise this if you were sharing parenting with the children's father? Of course you have to do it if you're on your own.

Exactly. As well as not having the resentment from having a partner who doesn't pull their weight. And from the sound of it a lack of empathy and a surfeit of condescension.

God forbid you come on a largely female parenting website and get some support and a bit of female solidarity. No, you get these perfect Petra's coming on to tell you repeatedly that it's all your fault because you're doing it all wrong (one of whom with apparently no sense of irony never had to do it themselves because they had a DH who carried all of the mental load).

anon2022anon · 06/05/2023 07:56

@Nimbostratus100 if you don't know these things, then does somebody in your house? Your kids just got a last minute invite to go swimming with a friend, they haven't been for ages. Where's the swimming Cossie? Does it still fit? Is there somewhere near open that you can get a new one in time, what size do they need? These are questions that I could answer fairly certainly, as I deal with the mental load mainly, DH couldnt, and round here the supermarket isn't 24/7 so he would have to be organised enough to check last night to deal first thing today or she couldn't go. Who cares? The one who's been told they could go swimming but now can't.

Random example picked out the air, but think of literally any job in your house or the kids life- who last noticed the bathroom was mucky or bought new towels? Who knows whether there are replacement lightbulbs with a funny fitting in the house, and where? Who planned to decorate a room last, or sorted out that stain on a carpet that's been there for a year? You might not be the one who did the action, but somebody noticed these things, and added lightbulbs to the shopping list, or googled how to get wine out of a carpet, or whatever. It might not be a big deal to you, but for lots of people, having to do all of those things, and remember all of those things, means that the 20 minutes downtime they get between work, kids, cleaning, whatever, is now spent doing those miniscule tasks or asking someone else to do them

G5000 · 06/05/2023 09:52

Hate to say it but it sounds like you have a DH problem. It sounds like a lot on this thread have a DH problem

My DH is not a problem, but I can understand the issue and emphatise with other people. If you read OP, she asks exactly that "it's the endless other responsibilities, decisions etc on top of the childcare that make it so exhausting, particularly with that mental load often falling on one parent".

You can call it what you want, but there is a lot of thinking and remembering and planning and organising that goes with having young children. And even if you say it's 'just life', if you have never done it, if they just magically get new weather appropriate shoes and clothes and their playdates are organised and school letters dealt with and fridge and pantry fill themselves etc etc, you cannot really grasp how much there is that is not visible, that is not 'just doing it' and yes that there would be consequences if it is not done.

Nimbostratus100 · 06/05/2023 09:57

anon2022anon · 06/05/2023 07:56

@Nimbostratus100 if you don't know these things, then does somebody in your house? Your kids just got a last minute invite to go swimming with a friend, they haven't been for ages. Where's the swimming Cossie? Does it still fit? Is there somewhere near open that you can get a new one in time, what size do they need? These are questions that I could answer fairly certainly, as I deal with the mental load mainly, DH couldnt, and round here the supermarket isn't 24/7 so he would have to be organised enough to check last night to deal first thing today or she couldn't go. Who cares? The one who's been told they could go swimming but now can't.

Random example picked out the air, but think of literally any job in your house or the kids life- who last noticed the bathroom was mucky or bought new towels? Who knows whether there are replacement lightbulbs with a funny fitting in the house, and where? Who planned to decorate a room last, or sorted out that stain on a carpet that's been there for a year? You might not be the one who did the action, but somebody noticed these things, and added lightbulbs to the shopping list, or googled how to get wine out of a carpet, or whatever. It might not be a big deal to you, but for lots of people, having to do all of those things, and remember all of those things, means that the 20 minutes downtime they get between work, kids, cleaning, whatever, is now spent doing those miniscule tasks or asking someone else to do them

no, I have always been the only adult in the house, and have never had any "mental load". I think its just a made up thing that just means being an adult and living a normal life

TedMullins · 06/05/2023 10:12

deliwoman1 · 02/05/2023 16:20

Ah yes, mental load. I know it well. The resources look great!

I've explained this concept to my partner, who shares equally in the doing, but isn't so great at the thinking/planning/organising/prioritising that facilitates the doing. Part of this is due to his dyslexia and ADHD, but he's also... a man. With his neurodivergence in the mix, there's not a lot we can do to seriously address the mental load I carry, except to continue to communicate and work together on how he can redress the balance. Mostly we're okay at it, and when we're not I get to have a good loud moan and he listens and acknowledges what I do for the family in this respect. That goes a long way, and like PP have said, tech helps. And I will say that my partner, being a far more securely attached, patient, positive and calm person than I am in general, pulls a lot of weight when it comes to emotional stability. I try to remember that when I'm feeling the pressure, and it's something I need to work on helping him with in return. He's the smiling rock. I'm the worrier/overthinker. Both of those traits feel a bit necessary for our family to work.

Also, @MagicPortalToMarriage if you don't understand the concept of mental load, I'm not sure why you're weighing in? The point is, if someone (usually a woman) doesn't do that thinking, then all sorts of things just don't happen, or they go wrong in such a way as to have a negative impact, such as making even more work, taking more time, causing distress that could've all been prevented. Then someone (usually a woman) has to go out of their way to mop up all of that consequence. Once upon a time, we only had to think for ourselves (note for not about), then we acquired partners who expect us to think for everyone. It's fundamentally unfair. They have brains too. Why should our brains pay this tax, when theirs don't have to? When they have all those minutes free in the day to just... daydream? Think about what pleases them? And, it's relaxing to have that freedom, which helps to bolster their mental health and wellbeing, while those carrying the mental load on their behalf suffer the loss of their headspace in real ways - tiredness, worry, anxiety, depression. It's like having a job, except the expectation is that you don't clock out. Carrying the mental load is real work. It's just unseen and unpaid.

I mean, there’s a pretty simple solution… don’t continue a relationship with or have children with a partner who can’t think for themselves?

G5000 · 06/05/2023 10:27

no, I have always been the only adult in the house, and have never had any "mental load". I think its just a made up thing that just means being an adult and living a normal life

OK try to imagine then that you live with another adult that expect them to also just be an adult and live normal life. Right? Imagined?
But they don't. They walk into the house totally oblivious of the adulting and normal life tasks that need to happen in a household. And if you suggest that they should do some of those normal adult life tasks, they only do a small part, the physical, visible task; leave out all the related but necessary work and then declare that they don't understand what you're complainig about, as it's so easy and doesn't take any time at all. And everybody around you says that oh you're so lucky, DH does his fair share, because they also only see this physical action - while he actually maybe does 5% of what 'being adult and living a normal life' requires. That's what people are complaining about.

anon2022anon · 06/05/2023 10:34

@Nimbostratus100 well I'm glad to hear things happen in your life without planning or thinking about what's needed to make it so. If you know where to get those fairies to make it happen without any input, give the rest of the mortals who occasionally get fed up with being the one arranging shit a shout.

anon2022anon · 06/05/2023 10:37

@TedMullins well instead of imploding a marriage and her children's lives with a massive event, the OP has come on to a thread to ask for advice. Seems like a sensible way to approach the matter.

CheshireCats · 06/05/2023 10:40

Pretty sure the "grandparents" don't need it explaining. You seem to have forgotten they've already done parenting.

TedMullins · 06/05/2023 12:55

G5000 · 06/05/2023 10:27

no, I have always been the only adult in the house, and have never had any "mental load". I think its just a made up thing that just means being an adult and living a normal life

OK try to imagine then that you live with another adult that expect them to also just be an adult and live normal life. Right? Imagined?
But they don't. They walk into the house totally oblivious of the adulting and normal life tasks that need to happen in a household. And if you suggest that they should do some of those normal adult life tasks, they only do a small part, the physical, visible task; leave out all the related but necessary work and then declare that they don't understand what you're complainig about, as it's so easy and doesn't take any time at all. And everybody around you says that oh you're so lucky, DH does his fair share, because they also only see this physical action - while he actually maybe does 5% of what 'being adult and living a normal life' requires. That's what people are complaining about.

frankly then it’s their own silly fault for having kids with blokes who expected them to do all the adulting from the start. Unless they suddenly changed and became useless when kids came along (yes I’ve read on here about how this happens and believe it, but I’m also sure many men will show signs of it much earlier in the relationship).

That isn’t victim blaming, I don’t think women are in any way responsible for men’s shitty behaviour but they choose to enable it by staying with men like this. I’m honestly flabbergasted to read in this day and age there are still women who iron their husband’s shirts! If my partner hadn’t bothered to wash the clothes he needed my reaction would simply be tough you’ll have to go in the nude then won’t you.

I do understand these things become entrenched and harder to change when it comes to kids but change has to start somewhere.

MrsMikeDrop · 06/05/2023 13:00

Nimbostratus100 · 06/05/2023 09:57

no, I have always been the only adult in the house, and have never had any "mental load". I think its just a made up thing that just means being an adult and living a normal life

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Do you have some kind of issue that means you are less emotional than most people? Also if it's just you, then perhaps that's why you don't feel this way, because you subconsciously know it's all on you. Others may have assumed they would be able to share it with their partners which adds the extra burden on top

Nimbostratus100 · 06/05/2023 13:02

MrsMikeDrop · 06/05/2023 13:00

Do you have some kind of issue that means you are less emotional than most people? Also if it's just you, then perhaps that's why you don't feel this way, because you subconsciously know it's all on you. Others may have assumed they would be able to share it with their partners which adds the extra burden on top

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no, I have no issue that makes me less emotional than most people 😂I am just a normal adult, with normal ups and downs that I cope with in a normal adult way

mnisannoyingAF · 06/05/2023 16:36

It's just because you do it, if you stopped, the men would suddenly manage. For example I used to do it all and think DH didn't know what to do, started my own business and my I had to tap out of the mental load as have wayyyy too much going on so DH just seemed to naturally takeover and now I'm so shit with the mental load, I'm awful at keeping up with school stuff

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