I’ve screwed up as a parent. How do I change this?

[Thistledew]

My children spend too much time on screens. I’ve messed up by allowing this to happen and I badly want to change.

Does anyone have any tips for significantly reducing screen time for screen addicted children?

The biggest issue is with DS, age 6. He very likely has ADHD (just starting the process of assessment, but is ticking all the boxes). He finds it very difficult to switch off and play quietly, so is reliant on his iPad to occupy him when he needs some down time. Otherwise he is on the go at 100 miles per hour, and needs almost constant supervision and attention to settle at other activities.

It has been all too easy to let him have his iPad and to play games or watch YouTube Kids for vast swathes of the day, but I don’t think it is doing him any good in the long term as I think it is inhibiting his development of being able to amuse himself and find his own ways of regulating his busy brain.

As a confession as to how bad things are- he is usually awake by 6am, and as I would rather not get up for at least another 45 minutes he goes straight on his iPad to entertain himself. He then pretty much does not put it down until 8am on a school day and 10am at the weekend.

He is not generally allowed it again until 4.30pm, when I start cooking dinner. It goes down for a short while at dinner time but it’s usually not more than a 20 minute break and he is on it again until bath time at 8pm.

If I’m not strict with him, he will pick it up when we get home from school at 3.30, but he will only get away with this if I have some work that I urgently have to finish before dinner.

This should also be the rule at weekends, but unfortunately DH is not on board with getting him off screens so will often let him have his iPad or watch TV during the day.

I’d really appreciate some ideas of the best way to cut down the amount of time. Is it best to have set times for screen time each day? Or to have a total daily allowance that can be used each day? How much time per day is actually reasonable?

I am reluctant to drop it altogether as DS does need some switch off time, and also he is a big Minecraft fan and playing that game does encourage DS to develop skills such as following instructions (watching videos of other people demonstrating builds then recreating it himself), reading, collaborative play with friends.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

Sorry I am here to shout you down, that’s absolutely shocking, your poor DS. Of course it’s affecting his social and brain development. It sounds like he barely does anything else. @BitzandBobz i totally disagree that’s normal and it’s not what any of my kids peers do. They have half an hour to an hour of game time on weekends only and maybe half an hour to an hour of tv a day, not every single week night though because they have clubs etc. Why have kids if you’re never going to play with them or interact with them?

What worries me is the psychological dependence on the screens. It’s rarely possible to get him to put it down without an argument and angry outburst (even though the consequences are loss of screen time later). He will constantly badger for it at the weekend. He has very little capacity for playing with other toys- he will build Lego, engage in physical games or play a board or card game with us, but doesn’t really play imaginatively with toys or create his own entertainment in his environment (e.g. by exploring the garden).

Wait til the teenage bed-cave years!

if poss ADHD get him doing a sport to wear him out, provide a different focus and build friendship possibilities- if not team sport then gymnastics, judo etc.

I should add that he does after school activities three days a week so does not get screen time until after dinner on those days.

Any tips on how to cut down? Go cold turkey? Wean him off gradually? Try and get his buy-in somehow?

There are lots of apps to help you manage screen time and set daily limits, including times it's not permitted. We have an android TV with parental controls that switches off after X hours unless you know the pin, Microsoft family, family link, etc. IMO there should be no screen time after dinner of before school, he can watch screens weekend mornings and some afternoons. That's what we do anyway, there's lots of complaining though!

Well, you are going to have to start parenting.

Fill the weekends with activities, especially outdoors. Start getting up at 6 and make breakfast together. While he eats it, you can sip coffee and read him a story.
Get him to do things with you - gardening, shopping, cooking. After school sports or clubs.

Delete YouTube, it’s frying his brain. The iPad should only have educational games/apps on it, and used rarely.

I confess that reliance on screens makes life easier for DH and I to do other things - we both work from home and we are mid renovation project with our house so it’s not always possible to play with DS every moment of the day. He finds it very difficult to play by himself, but I acknowledge that he won’t learn those skills unless he practices them.

Screens are highly stimulating so it can't be helping his brain function that the very first thing he does on waking is get hyper stimulated! No wonder he struggles to settle at other activities when he's had a bit of such a high power dopamine hit as soon as his eyes open.

I think you may need to go cold turkey for a complete reset. iPad is broken. TV is OK for set times (doesn't go on here until 5pm weekdays) and just ride out the storm?!

You will need to work HARD though so time it when you can be rested / have some time to entertain him yourself. You could have a long list of activities to work through - mix of craft, toys, board games, outside time, visits out, baking, drawing, Lego, dot to dot, etc etc then keep a few things set up ready to go for distraction.

You may also have to just suck up the early mornings for now.

I have a very similar child and I know how difficult it is, mine is very difficult to engage in anything. He also has ADHD. iPad games are the absolute worst for him and he gets very wound up and emotional. We have totally removed the iPad. He watches a lot of TV, which I'm trying to cut down, but I don't see such bad effects from that. He is allowed to play the switch for three hours a week, but only at the weekend.

I would suggest getting rid of the worst screen time first, which is probably high adrenaline games.

Then try and find other things you can engage him with, for my son the best thing is to go straight to the park from school or get outdoor toys out before he has chance to find a screen. He likes throwing things, so we do stomp rocket, archery etc.

We are also hiding the TV controller and putting a pin on apps so that he spends more time watching live TV rather than obsessively watching his favourite programmes .

I'd say cold turkey personally. It will be hard on all of you but better in the long run. I have to say 8 hours a day is appalling. I'm sorry as you sound like a good parent but that's way too much.

it sounds like you have two choices - reduce screen time altogether or change what he is doing on screen. Doing both may be lots of work for you and your DH, so pick which battle you want to have. In our house - we allow quite a lot of screen time (particularly early morning wake ups as like you I value sleep highly) but have an ban on YouTube or anything that plays the next episode quickly so they become obsessive eg specific short terrible Netflix shows

Ok, SN parent here. I've long long given up with worrying about screen time. It's management time as far as I am concerned. We are lucky that we live semi rurally so I'm
very routine with making sure we get out, walk, that we spend lots of time outdoors. The time he's indoors and regulating himself with building things on Minecraft is absolutely fine with me. Don't beat yourself up. DS is 12 by the way, autism diagnosed at 3, combined type ADHD last year. I'm a single parent. I do what keeps everything on a level.

To add, DS watches no TV at all. Screens are literally the least of my worries.

for me, the morning screen time would be the biggest concern as it sets the tone for the day. I am generally more okay with some screen time at the end of the day when there are established boundaries (half an hour between coming home and dinner for example). I find if I let mine use screens early, it ends up being an all day fixation that I have to fight.

how you do it is up to you - personally I would prefer a slower weaning approach vs cold turkey, as I think I could probably significantly reduce screen time without them noticing if I made it a priority and planned positively alternatives. It sounds like early mornings are going to be hardest for you, so think through how you will manage. It might mean you are up early for a bit, with the hope you create some different patterns. A Yoto player (or similar) or books might be a good alternative? Maybe set up some toys or activities in a special way the night before?

Why do you think he has adhd?

Being allowed to have that much time on an iPad is pretty bad at that age even though I'm sure it's not unusual. It's different to watching the tv as it's more intense. How can you tell the difference between adhd and the effects of too much reliance on the iPad?

Being able to find things to do on their own is hugely important for kids. Some kids need to be taught this.

My kids had an hour of computer everyday and more at weekends. They loved it and now as adults they still love playing together online even though they have all left home. I'm not against computer games at all but they need to be a positive thing. Not something that kids do because it's easier for the parent.

I found that it was best to have definite times when I'd fully engage with the kids and give them my full attention and then at other times tell them I wanted some time to myself and that they had to amuse themselves. I think the ability to concentrate can, with some children, be taught.

Personally I'd cut it down to 1 hour a day. You can get apps to do it with clear timers on. This means that you won't have to be involved as the iPad will cut out when his time is up. You can always make special exceptions occasionally.

My kids were not allowed to complain when they were told that it was time to finish playing on the computer. If they did they lost computer ‘privileges’ for the following day and if they continued they would loose computer privileges for the whole week. My kids knew I meant it because I did. I never gave in because it was easier for me. ( obviously there were times they were allowed more computer time such as when they had friends over or if they were on a long flight)

I think letting your son watch tv when he wakes up would be a lot better than playing iPad.

You’ve got to think long term. It will be easier for you if you get this sorted out now than let it get worse and worse. It will be hard for you but you have to put your kids first.

Fwiw, mine typically have 30 mins max screen time max, but this week they have been home sick while I have been wfh and dealing with absolute shitstorm on work front. They have been on screens the majority of their waking day. I am not proud, but just want you to know we are all fighting this fight to a certain extent And looking for balance. Next week will be different, and I expect a bit of a fight, but as a parent it is my job To set the agenda

Ok, how about this for a plan?

Weekdays- screens go off at 7.30am. No screen time until after dinner, so around 6.15/6.30pm. Allowed an hour, then off.

Weekends - allowed screen time until 8.30am. Same pattern in the evening unless we have been doing something particularly active and he is knackered, in which case he can have some TV from 5pm.

I’d like to cut down further from that, particularly in the morning, but it’s a step in the right direction. It’s going to be hell. He will be furious. I’m going to be exhausted and frazzled for a while trying to do household stuff and entertain him at the same time until he (hopefully) learns to do that more himself.

I’m also going to have my work cut out to get DH on board, but that’s a whole other thread. I’m tempted to just pronounce that this is the new rule and have everyone hate me and think I’m a dragon for a while, but hope that it’s for the greater good.

Given the additional needs and how difficult it will be for him to break a dependence, this feels like it could go beyond 'normal' parenting challenges and spiral into something neither of you can handle well. Paediatric psychologists are experienced with this kind of thing - I would reach out to one and make use of their advice. You might be lucky enough to get some professional advice here if you title your thread differently (using your discernment because you don't know for sure who anyone is).

No screen in the am on weekdays. Non negotiable.

Weekends - allowed screen time until 8.30am.

Why not just get up with the children on weekends? 8.30am is late on a weekend tbh.

We do get up with them at the weekends. We are usually done with breakfast before 8am. A bit of extra screen time will just give us a chance to do some household chores without also having to play with or supervise the DC. It will also factor in a bit of time for DH and DS to play Minecraft together, which is I feel beneficial to both of them.

As usual the performative perfect parents are out.

No you don't need to get up at 6am.
Vast majority of adults spend hours of the day on screens.
I had huge amounts of screen time as a child, gameboy, TV, computer and I'd have vastly preferred that to doing manufactured activities with my parents.

There's no need to cut down so drastically. How would you feel if your box set was cut off in the middle and you were forced to do some random board game. Ridiculous.