I’ve screwed up as a parent. How do I change this?

[Thistledew]

My children spend too much time on screens. I’ve messed up by allowing this to happen and I badly want to change.

Does anyone have any tips for significantly reducing screen time for screen addicted children?

The biggest issue is with DS, age 6. He very likely has ADHD (just starting the process of assessment, but is ticking all the boxes). He finds it very difficult to switch off and play quietly, so is reliant on his iPad to occupy him when he needs some down time. Otherwise he is on the go at 100 miles per hour, and needs almost constant supervision and attention to settle at other activities.

It has been all too easy to let him have his iPad and to play games or watch YouTube Kids for vast swathes of the day, but I don’t think it is doing him any good in the long term as I think it is inhibiting his development of being able to amuse himself and find his own ways of regulating his busy brain.

As a confession as to how bad things are- he is usually awake by 6am, and as I would rather not get up for at least another 45 minutes he goes straight on his iPad to entertain himself. He then pretty much does not put it down until 8am on a school day and 10am at the weekend.

He is not generally allowed it again until 4.30pm, when I start cooking dinner. It goes down for a short while at dinner time but it’s usually not more than a 20 minute break and he is on it again until bath time at 8pm.

If I’m not strict with him, he will pick it up when we get home from school at 3.30, but he will only get away with this if I have some work that I urgently have to finish before dinner.

This should also be the rule at weekends, but unfortunately DH is not on board with getting him off screens so will often let him have his iPad or watch TV during the day.

I’d really appreciate some ideas of the best way to cut down the amount of time. Is it best to have set times for screen time each day? Or to have a total daily allowance that can be used each day? How much time per day is actually reasonable?

I am reluctant to drop it altogether as DS does need some switch off time, and also he is a big Minecraft fan and playing that game does encourage DS to develop skills such as following instructions (watching videos of other people demonstrating builds then recreating it himself), reading, collaborative play with friends.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

God this is awful
You're seriously damaging your child
Lock it in the car and only allow in the car

He'll find other things to do

My son gets addicted so he is only allowed in certain times / places (now 11) binned an iPad we got age 4 as he couldn't get off if

Tips for alternatives:

• son does sport after school until 430 every day ag school
• son does more sport after (6-7, 7-8)
• son is allowed to watch you tube bbc history maths programmes etc
• made a football area, basketball nef and tempo line in garden plus skateboard area. (Not huge garden jusf have him the garden).
• son is allowed friends over whenever he wants so has boys out there with him in garden 3 days a week
• when son has nothing to do at weekend he helps dad with diy, cokes out in the car as a passenger, comes for a walk to shops
• son knows he has to keep busy so now is older finds his own thinfs eg extra sports , IT club eg Saturday now he is our 9-1 doing things / has a nap / Saturday afternoon asks to come to supermarket with me

You set the agenda - fill his time. Or it'll be behavioural and educational drama all the way

You can do it - I have

God this is awful
You're seriously damaging your child

It's not. She's not.

son is allowed to watch you tube bbc history maths programmes etc

Sounds like a barrel of laughs in your house. Imagine a kid hopping at the chance to go to the supermarket on a Saturday afternoon. Speaks volumes.

Not all kids are into sports either. It's easy if they are because it's easy to fill their time but not all kids are.

My children don't have a lot of access to screens but OPs child will grow up just fine, not seriously damaged because they've played some games, many of which have educational merit on a screen.

OP children with adhd do respond to things like routine, visual timetables and at 6 'now and next' language is still useful. You might need to google how to use those.

Key difficulties for you are you need sleep (i think screen time here is ok) but if transition away is difficult using timers, countdowns, visial timetables etc should help.

You need to be able to cook tea. If you aren't happy with screen use, do you have outdoor space? Trampolining and a swing are very good for sensory feedback. If you build that into a routine it might work.

You might be able to borrow a weighted blanket and it might help you child to sit under it and do something like lego. Its very child specific, but i have seen chikdren in perpetual motion suddenly sit for half hour and focus because of a weighted blanket. Others can colour in if they are on a wobble cushion. Its best to borrow as you wont know if it works until you try.

Too much screen time doesn't cause adhd 🙄

Thanks for all the comments. I am reading them carefully.

Just to comment on one post that stood out- the last place he will get the iPad is in the car. Firstly, because he gets horrendously car sick if he looks at anything, but also, even if he were to grow out of that, car time is when we talk about anything and everything. It’s the only place where he can’t be distracted by anything else and it would be a shame to lose that point of connection.

I agree with that. I never allow screens of any type in the car, the worst possible place unless you want a footwell full of vomit. Also it's ridiculously easy to entertain children in the car!

Also, telling DS that the iPad/Wi-Fi is broken, would definitely not wash! There is not a chance in hell that he would accept that as the truth. One thing that he is not is gullible.

He is currently doing some gaming with his dad, but we have had some interludes to play bubbles with his younger sister and he helped me make pancakes for breakfast.

I also have ND children and it is difficult. They are both dyspraxic and don't enjoy sports. They both have ASD and struggle with friendships so noone wants to hang out with them after school. They have very strong interests all of which are either screen based or enhanced through screens eg watching videos about flags. We do have books too of course. And loads of Lego, art materials etc.. We have a dog so that enforces outdoor time, time spent training the dog etc.. But it's really not as simple as saying "right no more screens", they use them a lot for regulation and don't have the same options for other activities (eg out of school clubs) that others do.

Set timers on yr internet, do activities with them.

Sensory activities will help to regulate him so that he is not overly reliant on screens. A few mins of preparation can lead to him happily entertaining himself. If you can invest in a large container/tuff tray that can be filled with a material such as water, sand, mud, play dough, shaving foam, water beads, anything that stimulates his senses. Change it up whenever you want to. You could have soapy water with lots of pouring and sieving tools, mud with digger toys, green sand with dinosaurs, whatever you think he might like. You can set him somewhere near you so you can dip in and talk about what he’s doing or even better sit with him for ten minutes and join in. He’s still only six so something like this might lure him away from the screens a bit. Please don’t beat yourself up though, it’s an issue we all have to contend with and a few gentle adjustments to the routine will get a little more balance.

Are these outside and/or physical?

Much easier to replace some of the screen time slots with something else than simply removing them.

You're not going to love this but the first fix of the day is the first one that needs to get addressed. Have the ipad somewhere else, switched off. Can you go for a little mission outside first thing. Maybe have the radio on?

https://momlovesbest.com/sensory-activities-kids

You can obviously google sensory activities but this link might be helpful.

Is gaming the only interaction he has with his dad?

My DC are adults now and you might think this is a new phenomenon but it was a big problem in the early 2000s with game boys and PC games.
My first approach was a timer. Each child had a little timer that gave them 1 hour aday of game time. They had to switch it on when they played and off when they stopped. It worked in one sense in that they didn't play excessively but on the other hand it did nothing for the addiction. They simply loathed it and spent all thier time waiting for their slot.
What really worked was cold turkey. DS2 volunteered for it when he was 8. A bit like dry January. Within a week he was a different child. The transformation was dramatic and I was ashamed to have not realised quite how addicted he was.

As adults they both lead busy lives with work and sport, one DC plays a game once or twice a year on holiday and the other plays the odd game at weekends. So no lasting effects. But neither of them was ever allowed unrestrcted screen time.

so is reliant on his iPad to occupy him
I think it's you that is reliant on the iPad. There's no easy way round this, if he's an only child and not to be on screens then you have to find a way to occupy him and that is likely to mean you have to give him more of your time.

Don't beat yourself up OP. Some of the replies on here are hilariously OTT.

I also have a 6 year old son who goes straight to the iPad in the morning (yes, even in school days), loves Minecraft and YouTube kids and is amazingly skilled at all sorts of iPad games. Yes, he can get frustrated when it's taken away, but he's 6, and I don't think the level of frustration correlates with the actual amount of time he spends on it. Days are long, an hour of screen a day isn't even going to touch the sides.

Whatever I say on here, the sanctimummies who swear by foraging for breakfast every day will just jump on me and say I am trying to justify my (our) own terrible parenting. But hey ho, I'll make a few observations anyway.

1. He's at school 5 days a week. So the majority of his waking time is screen free already. (Yes, yes, I know that schools have smart boards and watch TV and use iPads, but it's all carefully controlled and complementary to the learning).

1. The one parent who is happy for my son to take his pad to their house to play Minecraft with her son for hours on end is an academic who specialises in sociology and is writing a book about the metaverse. Maybe she's using them as lab rats, who knows?

1. Your husband is more chilled about this stuff because he doesn't go on MN and allow himself to be guilt tripped.

1. My son is also a healthy weight, plays chess (real life pieces) really well, loves climbing, reads well above his age and has fantastic general knowledge. This is in addition to probably a similar amount of screen time to yours.

1. I watched a shit ton of Tv as a kid, as well as ZZ spectrum (I'm old) so did DH. Some posters will think it has turned me into a monster, but I'm good, and did really well academically and professionally.

1. It'll all be fine

The morning one is the trick. Set up family sharing and accounts for kids. No access until after breakfast. Start a timetable like at school and they will soon get the hang of it. Don't ban it - moderate. They wake with the adrenaline for it. You can set screen times and change their pw rhat way. And they can ask for more screen time if not with you. That way you csn police it even if your partner isn't on board

The screens are adversely affecting his brain development. Take them away, remove them from the house, and substitute books.

It won't be easy, but it's your job.

@CornishGem1975 'some games' is not this situation - 8hr plus of screen time at infant school age

Some games is 30-60m

My son does do gaming but overall probably max 4h a week and usually with friends over

Keeping him busy has 100% worked for the last 6yrs.

If I'd given up age 6-7 he'd be totally unmanageable now and I imagine school refusing like 2-3 other boys his age I know who were 'feral' or 'self choosing' with gaming and now game all night and won't go to school.

Gaming addiction is very very real unfortainely . The Times had a big piece about it last month and is being included as a mental disorder for first time soon

iPads etc are just virtual dummies for primary kids and too much ruins their thinking, damaged eyesight and adds to weight gain (due to stopping movement). Easy to laugh it off. Look at the evidence

There is obviously a middle ground between being relaxed about screen time and being unable to prevent your child from gaming all night. The latter is hardly difficult is it?

"unfortunately DH is not on board with getting him off screens so will often let him have his iPad or watch TV during the day"

It sounds like this is the first discussion to have - whatever anyone has to say on this forum if you and dh are not somewhat on the same page it's got the potential to get more confusing and an issue for your child.

I would make it very routine focused, so ideally no screens before school and leave the rest be

I want to know this too.

I’m starting to suspect the husband is chilling on his phone all the time, whilst OP is juggling children and housework. Then she’s consumed with guilt about using screens as a nanny, but her husband is telling her screens are totally fine and she needs to unclench.

Tell me I’m wrong, OP.

I think any kind of clock based restriction eg 7.30am is just going to set you all up for massive battles and you'll all be really upset and eventually you or DH will cave - achieving precisely nothing apart from upsetting everyone.

It's much easier to explain 'zero' than haggle / negotiate / constantly reinforce turning it off.

So none in the morning is MUCH simpler.

He's going to be furious / take a lot of adjustment so rather than have that EVERY morning when you try to take it off him (as his brain will be on fire having played for an hour and a half) just go for none.

Or just let him have it in the morning?

Have his teachers said he struggles at school? Do you think that changing his morning routine to take it away would help with that at all? Or is it possible that making mornings a battleground might be a really bad start to the day?

An iPad won't give him ADHD. He either has it or doesn't.

Do you struggle to get him to turn it off when it's time to leave? That is one thing worth working on- the rule should be that he MUST turn it off as soon as you say "time to go". No excuses or arguments, or he doesn't get it in the morning again.

I used to read the tabloid papers when I was having my breakfast, complete with Busty Belinda on Page 3. Has to be better than that, surely?