I’ve screwed up as a parent. How do I change this?

[Thistledew]

My children spend too much time on screens. I’ve messed up by allowing this to happen and I badly want to change.

Does anyone have any tips for significantly reducing screen time for screen addicted children?

The biggest issue is with DS, age 6. He very likely has ADHD (just starting the process of assessment, but is ticking all the boxes). He finds it very difficult to switch off and play quietly, so is reliant on his iPad to occupy him when he needs some down time. Otherwise he is on the go at 100 miles per hour, and needs almost constant supervision and attention to settle at other activities.

It has been all too easy to let him have his iPad and to play games or watch YouTube Kids for vast swathes of the day, but I don’t think it is doing him any good in the long term as I think it is inhibiting his development of being able to amuse himself and find his own ways of regulating his busy brain.

As a confession as to how bad things are- he is usually awake by 6am, and as I would rather not get up for at least another 45 minutes he goes straight on his iPad to entertain himself. He then pretty much does not put it down until 8am on a school day and 10am at the weekend.

He is not generally allowed it again until 4.30pm, when I start cooking dinner. It goes down for a short while at dinner time but it’s usually not more than a 20 minute break and he is on it again until bath time at 8pm.

If I’m not strict with him, he will pick it up when we get home from school at 3.30, but he will only get away with this if I have some work that I urgently have to finish before dinner.

This should also be the rule at weekends, but unfortunately DH is not on board with getting him off screens so will often let him have his iPad or watch TV during the day.

I’d really appreciate some ideas of the best way to cut down the amount of time. Is it best to have set times for screen time each day? Or to have a total daily allowance that can be used each day? How much time per day is actually reasonable?

I am reluctant to drop it altogether as DS does need some switch off time, and also he is a big Minecraft fan and playing that game does encourage DS to develop skills such as following instructions (watching videos of other people demonstrating builds then recreating it himself), reading, collaborative play with friends.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

You can by parental controls for the WiFi - so you get an extension box and the kids have the password for that one, and everything else has the main one

You can set times his screens work and switch off - this means you aren’t the bad guy - it automatically bans things he’s not supposed to watch and you can ban other sites.

You can have a homework setting and they can ear time by doing chores.

Also you can choose each gadget to work independently.

Worth looking into

I'm watching this thread for help too op. You are very much not alone.

Hi OP, just wanted to say that if your child is neurodiverse, the 'acceptable parenting' rules simply might not work for your family, and that's ok but it's a really hard thing to properly lean into.
My oldest DC is autistic and screens are his safe place. I fought it for years but lockdown pretty much forced our hands and everyone is so much happier for it.
I have younger DC and as a result they watch more screens than 'acceptable' because it's hard to have one rule for one only, but actually it's fine for us as a family.
My bottom lines are; is everyone happy, is everyone healthy, is everyone getting some fresh air everyday and moving their bodies (even if that's a mini trampoline session in front of the TV!) and is everyone managing to get to school/work. If I can tick those boxes then their free time is their own.
It's just so hard parenting ND children and if you're not totally frazzled because you're trying to constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) regulate your child's emotions/behaviour so that they are happy, their siblings are happy and your house is not wrecked then fair play, but I can't do that without a shit tonne of screen time..
My only screen rule is that whatever they are watching is appropriate, and no screens in the bedroom.

That’s because you have not taught him to use his imagination and play with Lego or cars etc. children need to be shown. Start playing games and toys with him every day for 30 mins. At the weekends take him to the park and play trains, horses whatever but get his imagination working.

Also, I should just add, my oldest is extremely bright, just passed the grammar school entrance exam, is top of the class and gifted in maths, has taught himself to draw amazing comics from watching YouTube videos, goes to parkour class and knows a ridiculous amount of general knowledge from watching movies and TV.
My middle child is a talented runner and actress with a karate purple belt.
My youngest is in preschool but is very precocious at maths (thanks number blocks!) and knows all his colours, shapes and letters.
They're not just zombies in front of a screen. If my oldest didn't get his downtime he would not be able to be self motivated to do his other stuff because he would be burned out.

Set screen times can be useful. At the time time every day, so he knows what to expect.

Try to allow access to only educational games- not over stimulating and he gets at least some sort of benefit.

Youtube kids is awful. There is so
much mindless shit on there. I would highly recommend banning it.

We have a pebble tablet, completely parent controlled. Easy to set limits and lots of educational games. The battery is really rubbish though.

• at the same time every day

My ds (7) in is the process of being assessed for adhd after his teacher referred him. He also loves his screens and minecraft!

We do no screens after dinner so his mind can reset for bed. Instead, we can do a jigsaw or play a board game together, read a book together or apart or he can play Lego. If it is a nice evening he goes on the trampoline or round to the park - fresh air is the thing that helps him settle best!

With regards to cutting down - I would use timers and have something else planned to go straight into. So 'when the timer sounds we will do this jigsaw together'. You may need to show him how to play without screens - not all children know how!

We went cold turkey after lockdown and WFH meant we became accidentally over reliant on screens.

The iPad 'broke' and our internet also broke, so no using phones (switched off the wifi in this case) It was awful for about 12 hrs, and they were grumpy for another day, and then they just moved onto other things.

We found that their behaviour was awful after screen time. They are much happier, calmer, less stressed, less angry, with no iPad.

I'm happy with TV time, and we now have occasional you tube but prefer it on the tv screen rather than intensively on a iPad. I find that they'll watch on the tv but be doing another activity at the same time, there isn't the unbroken focus that an iPad yields.

Good luck

Get an app which controls the screen time, ruthlessly delete apps and games.

No tech in bedrooms, no morning tech, no tech til homework done.

It will be very tough, just ignore and don't engage with arguments. Don't sit on your phone either!!!! Take up gardening or something. Or tennis, something you can all do- birdwatching? The big help out? All outside. Football - anyone can kick a ball.

It's not a buy in situation, just do it. You have to be a parent and accept the drama .

I would try and not have the iPad in the morning. It's too compelling and intense - even Minecraft.

The tv is much better. It's a lot less intense. It be better if your husband played Minecraft with him in the evenings.

You might find once he hasn't got the iPad in the morning then he starts sleeping in later.

You need to be consistent and clear. Not just because of how things are but for the future. It will be easier for you to deal with this now properly than to let it drag out.

Honestly I think you're beating yourself up too much. It isn't that much and as a PP said I suspect it's probably in line with most of the other kids in his class. On MN no one's kids watch more than 3 seconds of screens a month but in the real world I've found most parents to be like us, a mix of screens, activities, play, school, park, chores etc, but plenty of screens in the mix.

By all means cut down, and also tightly control what he is doing on screens (mine do a lot of teach your monster to read, maths puzzles, chess etc as well as just games) but try to relax. I think being super strict will just make it more of a forbidden fruit and more attractive.

awaits hanging by MN mob

Be honest with yourself about how much you’re relying on screens to make your life easier. And think about what people did before there were screens/internet. I understand it’s hard - I’ve always worked from home too and have two teens who were rambunctious when they were little - but that’s how just life is with kids.

it’s not about being “perfect” and as someone said up thread, when they’re teens, they’ll spend all day glued to a screen anyway. But while they’re little, you’re in charge and you should be helping them build good habits.

Of course he will badger you and not be interested in anything else - it’s the same for all kids and the whole internet ecosystem is designed to be addictive.

Screen in the morning on weekdays is a massive no-no. You need to get up with him and as someone said, he can be with you while you do breakfast. Or perhaps there’s time for you to do a jigsaw together first, or you get into bed with him and read him a chapter book.

One way or another you’re going to have to go cold-turkey I think, which means pushing through when he complains. Forget trying to get him on board with a solution. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. He will start finding pleasure in other activities if the internet’s not an option.

I think apps can be quite helpful; there’s also a device called circle which is good because you set up a timetable and it just blocks access to the internet for selected devices when you tell it to.

You’re the parent and that means a) stepping up and not taking the route that’s easiest in the short term and b) not giving in at the tantrums and protests.

Think of your boundaries as non-negotiable and for his/their benefit - like car seats.

Our son watched more TV than we were happy with (he was 2-4 years old) during Covid times.

We decided to completely re-set. No TV at all in the mornings, none in the day and limited of an evening (maybe 30mins to an hour) while my husband cooks dinner. He doesn't ask for TV at all in the mornings now and is excited during when allowed to watch later in the day. Again he doesn't always ask. He is nearly 6 now, doesn't have a tablet or watch anything on a phone and we are moving away from on demand stuff (iplayer, netfix, Disney+) to CBBC/normal TV where he just watches what's on. Again this has seemed to really help as he doesn't expect to stream whatever he wants whenever without waiting. He viewing is more varied now too.

He is absolutely brilliant at playing on his own eg Lego, drawing, den making etc plus doing things with us as parents eg board games, cards, baking, roleplay games - all of this takes time and effort and it would be much easier to just put the TV on/hand over a tablet, but that's what being a parent is all about!

Can you change the apps on the device? when my dc were younger I deleted the apps that caused frustration/upset and kept only the apps I didn’t mind them on and made the iPad less alluring/easier to put down. I told them the app was no longer updating / broken / too expensive if asked.

We divide screen time into playing/doing. So time spent following a craft tutorial (eg artforkidshub ) or stop motion animation etc is encouraged over passive watching of YouTube/playing games - my DS did a lot of toy car and Lego men stop motion at about 6ish. Set the iPad on a stand and they just have to take the photos in between moving models. my dc also interviewed the cat (President Whiskers) a lot and hosted pretend tv shows (if you have 1 dc you might need to be a willing interviewee!)

Go camping or away bushwalking without the screens.
Come back to a house without children's screens.

They can be getting fixed.
After a few days off them the kids will have thought of other fun things to do.

Wean them back on to half an hour or one show max of TV - social interaction/all in same room/supervised/discuss shows type family TV.

No six year old benefits from unlimited time on screens. He will be missing out on social conditioning, and learning about his emotions and how to entertain himself when bored etc. Think of a child like a puppy. Would we ever socially condition or train a puppy with a screen? Kids and dogs learn facial expressions, feelings etc. with practise.

Allow up to one hour per day on the weekends but be aware of what is being watched, participate in games sometimes and model good behaviour yourself.

Don't ignore people if you are on your phone. Use your phone in another room and stick to time limits.
Also model reading books, telling jokes, playing board games, drawing or art, riding bikes, walking, talking etc.

My son has asd and the clinical team that assessed him were quite positive about gaming.

On a school day how well does he transition from screen to getting ready and going to school? If its fine, i dont really see the issue.

One way some people manage it is having unlimited access on one day a week, or two afternoons a week as it can be frustrating to only play for a set 30 mins chunks.

Also loving all the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do advice that’s popping up here, no screens ever/10 minutes a week/never in the morning - all posted by bored parents staring at screens on a Saturday morning 😂😂😂

You’ve had some great advice, but just so you don’t feel too bad.
I was just left in front of the tv when I was a kid, no restrictions, my parents never did anything with me, I was never read a bed time story or helped with homework.
I now run a 7 figure company, the neglect I suffered made me pretty resilient and creative. I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone but it can be a good thing for kids to be left with down time and left to get bored!

you sound like a lovely mum and I don’t think the screen time you’ve mentioned it horrific.

I am massively struggling here too and these replies just make me feel dreadful. I’m disabled and can’t really do much with my DS7 who needs constant stimulation so he has become reliant on screens for entertainment. Constant guilt and I don’t know how to change it.

My kids are older. So never had iPads screen.

dd has a phone. She doesn’t have TikTok or snap or you tube. She’s 11. She has Pinterest and WhatsApp and Tt rockstars. Her phone locks after 90 minutes of use on a week day and 120 at the weekends. We have pretty comprehensive phone controls. Dd has a group of friends like her with little or no interest in phones. Some boys play Minecraft. Some Roblox. She’s not interested.

we have created a culture of screens being the least interesting thing she could be doing with her time. She plays an instrument. She does 2 sports competitively. She has other interests. It has taken TIME and EFFORT.

I don’t say do as I do. I’m just saying what works for us.

Irrelevant. My kids are free to choose how much screen they look at of a Saturday mornings when they’re 53; not when they’re 6. And I would be less concerned about them being online if they’d already got out of bed, unloaded the dishwasher, made breakfast, done a load of washing and been for a jog.

She’s asking for help, if you can’t offer that don’t say anything. Shame on you making a mum asking for help feel even worse.

OP it’s hard when they are neurotypical, my youngest is autistic and when we were going through the assessment process the HCPs explained that for kids with sensory issues they often gravitate to screens in a way that provides a level of sensory feedback they can cope with.

try and reduce the time gradually and do other things; if they don’t want to they can whine and moan about it. It may be tough to start but you’ll just need to grit your teeth x

*not neurotypical

Completely agree with this.

And also to add, only on MN is "8.30am at the weekend late". Get a grip. There's nowhere like MN for martyrdom.

I think what you've suggested sounds a good start. I don't think going cold turkey will help, and I also don't think it's necessary. Screens are not the evil that everyone likes to make out. Reduce it in the morning and the evening (always a good idea to have a break from screens and stimulation before bedtime) and start there.