I’ve screwed up as a parent. How do I change this?

[Thistledew]

My children spend too much time on screens. I’ve messed up by allowing this to happen and I badly want to change.

Does anyone have any tips for significantly reducing screen time for screen addicted children?

The biggest issue is with DS, age 6. He very likely has ADHD (just starting the process of assessment, but is ticking all the boxes). He finds it very difficult to switch off and play quietly, so is reliant on his iPad to occupy him when he needs some down time. Otherwise he is on the go at 100 miles per hour, and needs almost constant supervision and attention to settle at other activities.

It has been all too easy to let him have his iPad and to play games or watch YouTube Kids for vast swathes of the day, but I don’t think it is doing him any good in the long term as I think it is inhibiting his development of being able to amuse himself and find his own ways of regulating his busy brain.

As a confession as to how bad things are- he is usually awake by 6am, and as I would rather not get up for at least another 45 minutes he goes straight on his iPad to entertain himself. He then pretty much does not put it down until 8am on a school day and 10am at the weekend.

He is not generally allowed it again until 4.30pm, when I start cooking dinner. It goes down for a short while at dinner time but it’s usually not more than a 20 minute break and he is on it again until bath time at 8pm.

If I’m not strict with him, he will pick it up when we get home from school at 3.30, but he will only get away with this if I have some work that I urgently have to finish before dinner.

This should also be the rule at weekends, but unfortunately DH is not on board with getting him off screens so will often let him have his iPad or watch TV during the day.

I’d really appreciate some ideas of the best way to cut down the amount of time. Is it best to have set times for screen time each day? Or to have a total daily allowance that can be used each day? How much time per day is actually reasonable?

I am reluctant to drop it altogether as DS does need some switch off time, and also he is a big Minecraft fan and playing that game does encourage DS to develop skills such as following instructions (watching videos of other people demonstrating builds then recreating it himself), reading, collaborative play with friends.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

Read with him instead

I used to read the tabloid papers when I was having my breakfast, complete with Busty Belinda on Page 3. Has to be better than that, surely?

@ChocChipHandbag Ha this made me laugh, so did I.

Bedtimes as well -
What worked for us was saying x is your bedtime (so my 8y old DD it's 830) but then 'if you read from 8pm we'll turn lights out at 9pm)

Means the child doesn't moan about reading
Often means kids fall asleep earlier
Moves focus off gaming

For my son he hated reading these book series I bought in charity shops and told him he must read or go to sleep

• David walliams
• wimpy kid
• dog man / cat kid
• Percy mysteries

So then the subject becomes 'read or sleep' and gaming if forgotten

Own it, you can do it

Sorry, you've lost me. You bought your child books that he hated, and told him he had to read them before bed, in order to stop him thinking about gaming?

I'm not surprised he hated David Williams, his books are indeed rubbish.

The histrionics on this thread are bizarre. My kids spend plenty time on their tablets and they’re both absolutely fine. Doing great at school, top marks. No behaviour issues. They have clubs to go to sure. Not every night for each of them. And not all weekend. If they did when would I get the mountains of laundry that need doing done? Or the cleaning? Or anything else that needs doing?

When I was a kid I had a couple of activities, then the rest of the time outside of school I played or I watched TV. Most weekends were spent doing not much as my Dad had to work and my who’d been working all week had lots of housework to do. I’ve survived and somehow gotten and excellent career and two fabulous kids. So you don’t need to be taking them to constant activities. They can watch their tablets. Relax a bit.

I haven’t read past page one so may or may not be going against the grain here but IF he does have ADHD the brain is very different any what is a stimulant for other children can have a calming effect on ADHD children so may not be as bad as you think.

As part of my DS’s counselling sessions, him playing the Xbox during them was suggested as playing the game at the same time slowed his brain down enough to be able to listen to what he was saying to him and come up with an answer rather than just totally zoning out.

Medication for ADHD is also a stimulant. Would have the totally opposite effect on a non-ADHD person.

Based on this I’d concentrate on the quality of the screen time.

Great advice

Oh also, as he gets older, you can invite other kids for play dates and let them play iPad together. That has the dual benefit of turning screen time into something a bit more multi-dimensional, and making him the most popular kid in class because all the other Mums insist on Snakes & Ladders and lentil fondling.

@Emmamoo89
Too much screen time doesn't cause adhd 🙄

Sorry, but that’s a stupid and rude comment. I didn’t say or imply that screen time causes adhd.

The OPs son hasn’t been diagnosed yet so I asked why she was thinks he has ADHD. It’s a reasonable question. She doesn’t say if it school that has suggested or whether it’s just her own observations.

You misunderstand me. I was saying to OP that she doesn't need to worry about the ADHD diagnosis process as being connected to her worries about screen time.

Oh actually it wasn't me you were quoting, though so did say something similar!

OP here's some practical advice I hope you take:

Instead of an iPad, set up a nice space with a PC. Show him how to use it and do similar things (games, art etc.).

People assume Gen Z are computer-literate because they've grown up with technology. But actually they are literate with phones and tablets and often totally clueless with computers. They are unable to cope with the interface difference easily. As a result they struggle at work (office-based) where it's almost entirely computers.

If he grows up with computers he will shine when he's older. He will be miles ahead of his peers in that aspect of any office-based job, and if he has the capability/interest he will be primed for many software-based jobs.