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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

“You cant force someone to parent”

113 replies

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 21:50

Or can you? how can I force my ex to take responsibility for the children or at least make him have them overnight? Or any advice how to get over the bitterness and resentment?!

OP posts:

Original poster

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 21:19

No I have not appealed the ehcp I missed the deadline for tribunal so now I am stuck, I was told I would need to pay for an independent ed psychologist to prove dd isn’t suited to mainstream but I simply cannot afford that.

respite is pointless as they would only take dd so not as if I would get a break from all of them. My ex is capable of having them he just doesn’t want to I am on single parent groups and I’m very much in the minority even irl most men do have their kids overnight I know a thousand women on here will tell me their ex never takes the kids overnight but that doesn’t reflect real life.

OP posts:

FloatingBean · 10/04/2023 21:27

You aren’t stuck. If you haven’t appealed the EHCP there is your answer to getting more support. Request an early review in the hope of getting the right of appeal. The LA don’t have to agree to an early review, if they refuse you will need to wait for the AR or request a reassessment of needs which does have the right of appeal if refused. Have you checked whether you are eligible for legal aid? That can fund independent assessments. If you need independent reports and aren’t eligible but can’t afford them Parents in Need can sometimes help.

Respite could help. It will give you a break from DC1 and could be used whilst the others are at school.

Greenorred · 10/04/2023 22:07

I think something does need sorting re your DD. I’m not trying to be an arse here, but I remember the threads from last summer and is she actually being taught by you at home, because I don’t get that impression. As well as giving you a break, which you do need, it’s really not in anyone’s best interests to have the current situation drag on.

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Original poster

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 22:13

No that’s right she struggles to engage but she’s not going to mainstream and I won’t be forced into sending her either. Given that she has asd and LD she doesn’t need to do any formal learning I’ve had advice on this from home Ed groups and I will not be forced into sending her to mainstream she won’t learn anything there either 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Greenorred · 10/04/2023 22:15

But is she being educated at all, @OhMyCherriePie ? I know that sounds a bit brutal in the way I’ve phrased it - sorry, I’m honestly not meaning it like that. But I do think you’ve tried to do something from a well meaning stance (she won’t cope here, so I’ll HE) but you’re exhausted yourself and her needs are huge and it’s just a LOT.

FloatingBean · 10/04/2023 22:19

There are options other than DD attending MS or you EHEing though.

Original poster

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 22:21

Yes just not formal learning and we are not following the national curriculum.
My opinion on MS won’t change she will not learn anything in the wrong environment. I didn’t have a choice but to deregister her otherwise I would be fined and taken to court.

OP posts:

FloatingBean · 10/04/2023 22:24

I didn’t have a choice but to deregister her otherwise I would be fined and taken to court.

Yes you did. You could have appealed the EHCP. Even after you didn’t appeal within the timescale you were advised on how to get the right of appeal again &/or ask SENDIST to consider a later appeal. Then when the LA didn’t comply with the review timescales you were advised on what to do to ensure you got the right of appeal. In the meantime if DD couldn’t attend the MS the LA would have had a duty (and you could have forced them) to provide education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996.

Original poster

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 23:22

She is not attending mainstream. It’s not happening. If I kept her on the roll at mainstream but didn’t send her I absolutely would be fined and taken to court. I am on ‘not fine in school ‘Facebook page, many of them are facing fines and court proceedings. With my daughter deregistered the LA leave me alone other than yearly reports and I’ve already sent our first report and the EHE officer was satisfied with the report. I’m fine with dd being at home my resentment is not getting weekends off from all my children like pretty much every single parent I know. My sister is a single parent and tells me often how much she can’t wait for the weekend so she gets a break from her kids, I would say wanting a break is normal, even for parents in couples but more sp for single parents who do it alone. Before anyone suggests she helps me out fat chance, she is a teacher and told me she spends all day with kids so wants nothing to do with them outside of working hours.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 23:28

The absolute last thing I need is attendance officers on my door step weekly or being threatened with courts and fines, I’ve seen it happening to other parents when a child is unable to attend but kept on the roll.

OP posts:

FloatingBean · 10/04/2023 23:39

I didn’t say DD had to attend MS. Quite the opposite. As I posted there are alternatives other than MS and EHE. If DD was unable to attend due to her MH or SEN then the LA or school may have used fines as a scare tactic but that is all they would be, scare tactics. They wouldn’t have got anywhere with prosecution and could have been challenged.

Nothing is going to change unless you drive the change. Unfortunately DC whose parents know the system and advocate for them get better support. It shouldn’t be like that, but isn’t going to change any time soon, sadly.

It is clear you need support. If DD had provision in a suitable school or otherwise you would have a break from all DC during the week and your clear resentment and exhaustion at not having weekends child free would improve.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 11/04/2023 04:57

It isn't fair and it really sucks and it is beyond exhausting. It's so hard constantly being in that place where you feel like you're a breath away from breaking. He should step up and you deserve a break and yes most parents don't have to deal with DC 24/7 on their own, though it is much more common for mums of DC with SEN to be doing it alone. None of that changes anything though, he's not going to be the co-parent you need, you need to accept that or the resentment will eat you alive.

There will be things you can change, but they're things you have some control over like trying to get respite or fighting for an appropriate school place. It's hard to find anything to fight with, but it doesn't sound like the current schooling situation is sustainable for you. You can't change your Ex, expecting him to step up will only hurt you and he'll go on living the way he wants regardless of how you feel. I know it's hard, but focusing on the unfairness won't make you feel better. Wishing you all the best.

ADHDadvice · 11/04/2023 08:06

I'm not sure what you wanted from this thread OP.

Lots of people have agreed it's a tough situation and empathised with your need for a break. Lots of people have given you suggestions that you've dismissed. Lots of people have provided advice on how to get your child back into learning (NOT in mainstream) so she has a future, as well as you getting a break.

If you're not willing to do anything about your situation then nothings going to change

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