Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

“You cant force someone to parent”

113 replies

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 21:50

Or can you? how can I force my ex to take responsibility for the children or at least make him have them overnight? Or any advice how to get over the bitterness and resentment?!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 11:59

Can you ask social services for respite at all op, does your eldest have a case worker or social worker?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:04

We are not involved with social services and I won't be contacting them due to past bad experience.

My children's father wouldn't hurt or abuse them he just doesn't want to have them on his own. They are hard work, he wants to see them here then disappear again to his child free mess free house he doesn't want the responsibility of taking them.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/04/2023 12:07

I don't think it's very helpful to berate OP for her choice of man, she doesn't have a time machine! She is clearly very stressed and at the end of her tether.

OP - you do have a choice, in that if you really wanted to, you could drop the children at social services' office tomorrow and proclaim that you no longer want them. But you don't do that, presumably because you do actually care about the DC and don't want to completely lose them.

But you need a break, which is totally understandable.

What about looking at charities relating to your eldest's disability to see if they can signpost for support or funding? Being able to access residential care or even babysitters might help.

The support for disabled people and their families in the UK is unfortunately so lacking, a lot of the slack is left to extended family and if they don't exist or can't help then it's very difficult.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
hoven · 10/04/2023 12:14

You admit you chose the wrong father who is a horrible person. You now want your children to spend time with this horrible person who doesn't want to see them so you can have a break.

Time to put your children first. Yes you cannot turn back time but you need to take accountability for your decision.

Contact the social services

fortnumsfinest · 10/04/2023 12:15

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 00:01

Not really I suck it up even when I don’t feel like it because they are my children and I have a responsibility to them. Seems it’s only dads that having the choice applies to

You do have a choice though op, you could walk away and leave the children like he has. Social services would get involved to care for the children.
It is shit that he's not stepping up for his children but I think to force someone to take children they don't want to would have disastrous effects on the children's well being.

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 12:16

hoven · 10/04/2023 06:45

What was it that made you choose him as the father of your child?

What a shitty thing to post.

hoven · 10/04/2023 12:20

@monsteramunch sometimes we need to face reality to see how we can amend things by making the right choices.

It's more shitty for the kids tbh

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:20

People keep saying why would you want him to have the children if he doesn't want to but like I said I don't want to be with my children every single day either but that's life there are days when I don't feel like being around them days where I just want to be alone but I don't get that and no it's not a choice as I'm not saying I never want to be with them and I want to give them up just that there are days when I want to be by myself so no giving them up isn't a choice as I wouldn't get them back I just want regular weekends to myself like pretty much every other single parent I know gets

OP posts:
MintJulia · 10/04/2023 12:22

You can't force them.

And be thankful you can't, because would you really be willing to leave your children with someone who didn't want them and couldn't be arsed to ensure their safety or well being?

As for getting over the bitterness, I see it as an opportunity. I've raised my ds with kind, decent, responsible values. His father spends very little time with him and that means ds learns none of his laziness or selfishness. Very limited bad influence. 🙂

I have the chance to raise my child without any of his father's misogyny or selfishness.

hoven · 10/04/2023 12:23

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:20

People keep saying why would you want him to have the children if he doesn't want to but like I said I don't want to be with my children every single day either but that's life there are days when I don't feel like being around them days where I just want to be alone but I don't get that and no it's not a choice as I'm not saying I never want to be with them and I want to give them up just that there are days when I want to be by myself so no giving them up isn't a choice as I wouldn't get them back I just want regular weekends to myself like pretty much every other single parent I know gets

And you don't have to give them away completely and never look back. But the only way you can get a break is by speaking with the social services. You can't force him to parent

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 12:26

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 22:41

Ohh I like this idea! That might not be a bad idea!

Show quote history

Bloody hell Hmm. You really think it's a good idea to force young kids on someone who doesn't want anything to do with them?
You are going to fuck your poor kids up big style, op. Not just your useless ex; you too.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:29

Why not? He wouldn't harm them he doesn't "want nothing to do with them" he just doesn't want to take them or have them overnight he will see them here with ME he won't have them alone he's not abusive to them so they wouldn't be at risk of harm.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 12:33

Because the pair of you are arguing about who takes them. Do you really think the kids won't pick up on the fact that you're both desperate to pawn them off on each other, and you're resenting the fact that they get to stay with you?

Comedycook · 10/04/2023 12:33

Op...you don't need permission from strangers on the internet to do anything.

If you truly thought it was a good idea you'd have done it already. Why haven't you?

ADHDadvice · 10/04/2023 12:34

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:20

People keep saying why would you want him to have the children if he doesn't want to but like I said I don't want to be with my children every single day either but that's life there are days when I don't feel like being around them days where I just want to be alone but I don't get that and no it's not a choice as I'm not saying I never want to be with them and I want to give them up just that there are days when I want to be by myself so no giving them up isn't a choice as I wouldn't get them back I just want regular weekends to myself like pretty much every other single parent I know gets

I get the need for a break, I really do. And I know how frustrating it is when the other parent doesn't pull their weight.

But in the nicest possible way, being a good parent is about putting your children's needs above yours. Millions of single parents don't get weekends 'off'.

There's a reason you don't leave them at home and go away for the weekend and it's the same reason you wouldn't leave them with an adult who wont/can't care for them properly.

If you are struggling, contact social services. Particularly for support with your disabled child who may be entitled to respite care.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:36

Comedycook · 10/04/2023 12:33

Op...you don't need permission from strangers on the internet to do anything.

If you truly thought it was a good idea you'd have done it already. Why haven't you?

Because he would bring them straight back

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:37

Of course I resent them being with me every single day. I need a break I Am exhausted, most single parents DO get a break.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 10/04/2023 12:38

Then it's a pointless discussion. It is shit. It really is. Absolutely disgusting that men can do this.

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 12:38

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:36

Because he would bring them straight back

Show quote history

And yet you applauded the suggestion you do this and said Ohh I like this idea! That might not be a bad idea!
What an absolute shit show...

ADHDadvice · 10/04/2023 12:43

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:37

Of course I resent them being with me every single day. I need a break I Am exhausted, most single parents DO get a break.

I'm not going to get into a bun fight but there are many, many single parents who don't get a break, including those where the other parent has disappeared/has a new family and doesn't want contact, where the other parent has died etc etc.

I can read your frustration and I sympathise. The question is though, rather than feeling sorry for yourself, what practical steps can you take to get yourself the break you want?

You've said the Dad won't have them and there is no family. Children are all of school age but one doesn't attend school. Would a specialist school be an option? What about a tutor at home?

Social Services may be able to offer funding for a carer depending on the circumstances for your disabled child but YOU need to start the ball rolling, a solution isn't going to fall into your lap.

Good luck.

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 12:44

Comedycook · 10/04/2023 12:38

Then it's a pointless discussion. It is shit. It really is. Absolutely disgusting that men can do this.

Yep.
Thats the bottom line.

And to make ure that women never say anything ‘we’ make them feel crap about wanting fathers to actually parent and wanting to have a break too. Aka we make them feel crap for wanting equal treatment….

because let’s be honest, that’s what most if replies on here say.

fortnumsfinest · 10/04/2023 12:44

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:29

Why not? He wouldn't harm them he doesn't "want nothing to do with them" he just doesn't want to take them or have them overnight he will see them here with ME he won't have them alone he's not abusive to them so they wouldn't be at risk of harm.

Your DC's aren't as small that they won't pick up that he doesn't want to look after them, he may not be physically abusive to them but it's still abuse for them to feel unwanted

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 12:45

How old is your disabled child, op? Are you getting any respite provision?

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 12:45

@ADHDadvice its not because many single MOTHERS dint get a break that it is ok though. And women should just suck it up.

and let’s not kid ourselves it’s parents as if men were experiencing that too….

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 12:47

ADHDadvice · 10/04/2023 12:43

I'm not going to get into a bun fight but there are many, many single parents who don't get a break, including those where the other parent has disappeared/has a new family and doesn't want contact, where the other parent has died etc etc.

I can read your frustration and I sympathise. The question is though, rather than feeling sorry for yourself, what practical steps can you take to get yourself the break you want?

You've said the Dad won't have them and there is no family. Children are all of school age but one doesn't attend school. Would a specialist school be an option? What about a tutor at home?

Social Services may be able to offer funding for a carer depending on the circumstances for your disabled child but YOU need to start the ball rolling, a solution isn't going to fall into your lap.

Good luck.

Show quote history

They won't give her a special school she's not at home for the fun of it. She was expected to attend mainstream a mainstream school that said they couldn't meet her needs but LA didn't care and named them anyway she is not able to go there.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread