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Original poster

“You cant force someone to parent”

113 replies

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 21:50

Or can you? how can I force my ex to take responsibility for the children or at least make him have them overnight? Or any advice how to get over the bitterness and resentment?!

OP posts:
carriedout · 10/04/2023 06:41

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 00:01

Not really I suck it up even when I don’t feel like it because they are my children and I have a responsibility to them. Seems it’s only dads that having the choice applies to

No, it is not only fathers. You can behave as you wish.

But do you really want to make your children feel abandoned by both of you?

He's a selfish, uncaring arse. Of course you have every right to be one too - but is that who you are and who want to be?

Being a single parent where the other person does less - or nothing - is unfair. Life is unfair sometimes. But maybe you're just the better person. Flowers

hoven · 10/04/2023 06:45

What was it that made you choose him as the father of your child?

Pseudonamed · 10/04/2023 06:47

Unfortunately no you cannot. My ex left me and assumed he never had to see the kids again either. I think he spent a total of 30 HOURS with them last year. The full year. He has his own home, own car, good job, lives only minutes away and never bothers with them. They did not even get a happy easter text let alone an easter egg.

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Pseudonamed · 10/04/2023 06:48

hoven · 10/04/2023 06:45

What was it that made you choose him as the father of your child?

How the fuck is this a helpful question? Some pregnancies are not planned and some are planned with the right man who turns into a total knob. It is NOT the OP's fault that her kids dad is useless.

LynetteScavo · 10/04/2023 06:59

I don’t want to be with my kids every single day every minute and never getting a break but the difference is I don’t get a choice! So why does it matter if he doesn’t want to?

Just because your ex is being useless, and you want a break from your DC doesn't mean dropping them with him and leaving them is a good idea. How do you think the children will feel when there is a row and they realise neither parent wants to be with them?
If they youngest is 6 I'm assuming they go to school and you work, so they're not actually with you permanently. I think you need to think what's best for your children.

fearfulexchange · 10/04/2023 07:04

I understand how you feel. It's a horrible situation, feeling imprisoned in your own life.
Needing a break to just rest never mind having a life while the other parent is off on a jolly is devastating. I get no help with childcare or CMS. Im 7 years in and the depression is real. Most days are a struggle.
Under the circumstances you are completely normal to feel the way you feel.
I dropped my children off and left as pp suggested (I had to get to work) I was arrested for neglect despite the day / time of drop off being in a court order. Be prepared of the very real threat of having your children taken from you. It gave my ex the opportunity to play the court. He didn't want the children and decided he didn't want me to have them either (due to my neglect) he fought to have them put into care. The court didn't entertain his request but it didn't stop me having to go through the months of police investigations and court hearings.

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 07:09

I don't think I'd want to send my children somewhere they would sense not being wanted. Is there another family member who can give you a break?

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 07:10

Dropping your children and leaving isn't a good idea. It's a horrible idea.

How old are they OP? Do you have any family support?

freyamay74 · 10/04/2023 07:12

You can't force someone to parent. The only thing that can be enforced (and should be done far more rigorously) is that parents should pay for their children. Beyond that, no one can be forced to engage with their children or even just spend time with them.
Sad but true.

The suggestion of just dumping the kids with him and going is really bad 'advice.' Why would a caring parent drop their kids with someone who they know doesn't want them there? It shows a complete disregard for the children's emotional (and possibly physical) needs

knittingaddict · 10/04/2023 07:40

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 22:41

Ohh I like this idea! That might not be a bad idea!

Show quote history

Of course it's a bad idea. I don't think you will do it (I hope not) but children are not possessions to be dumped on a doorstep.

Tough for you, but you can't make children be with someone who doesn't want them there. Poor children.

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 07:43

No you can't. Its unfair and bloody hard doing it alone though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 07:44

Are they in school or childcare? Is there anyone else who can give you a break? He sounds crap but he is who he is and you obviously know he’s not a safe person to leave them with if he can’t be arsed.

BellePeppa · 10/04/2023 07:49

I feel sorry for the kids here. I was a single parent and no way would I ever ‘dump’ my kids somewhere they’re not wanted, father or not. I’d be worried sick they weren’t being cared for properly if they were unceremoniously dumped on the doorstep of someone who didn’t want them.

megletthesecond · 10/04/2023 07:53

You can't I'm afraid.
Somehow you have to knuckle down and do it all from now on.

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2023 07:54

hoven · 10/04/2023 06:45

What was it that made you choose him as the father of your child?

Seriously? This is your response? Parent neglects child therfore it's the other parents fault? Are you serious?

Blame the person making the action for the action

MaireadMcSweeney · 10/04/2023 07:57

Pseudonamed · 10/04/2023 06:48

How the fuck is this a helpful question? Some pregnancies are not planned and some are planned with the right man who turns into a total knob. It is NOT the OP's fault that her kids dad is useless.

Show quote history

No, but when we realise we made the mistake of choosing a useless twat as the father of our child it's our responsibility to work twice as hard to repair the damage done. We don't just hand over the kids to be neglected 🙄

ShannonMcFarland · 10/04/2023 08:18

OP, I'm sure you don't actually mean it. You're just tired and possibly a little overwhelmed at raising children alone, especially when you'd gone into it believing this was a choice you were making with someone you loved to do it together. You're allowed to vent and fantasise about dropping them off to have some time to yourself and making him to some of the heavy lifting. It's fucking hard doing it on your own! But even though the hard parts are twice as hard, you also reap twice the rewards and all the pride and joy. They'll know who was there when they're older. It will get easier. You can do it.

clpsmum · 10/04/2023 08:25

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 21:50

Or can you? how can I force my ex to take responsibility for the children or at least make him have them overnight? Or any advice how to get over the bitterness and resentment?!

You can't unfortunately. Hard and unfair isn't it. Sending hugs as one completely single and lone parent to another x

clpsmum · 10/04/2023 08:27

hoven · 10/04/2023 06:45

What was it that made you choose him as the father of your child?

I'm guessing she didn't realise he was such an irresponsible horrible bastard

terrykrobertson · 10/04/2023 11:11

Yes. I agree With you because come from Heart not be a force if you force parenting on yourself and others. It doesn't have benefits.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 11:29

Does he have any family you can ask to have them for a break op?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 11:47

Well sadly I can't go back in time and have them with someone else, he will see them just only if I'm there too he will not take them or have them alone and never has since we split he sees us as a package. Unfortunately no family either side that will help, he has no parents they both died, I have family and live 10 minutes away from my mum but she refuses to help me but will have my brother's kids weekly 🤷

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 11:50

You can't. Is he paying what he should?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 11:51

LynetteScavo · 10/04/2023 06:59

I don’t want to be with my kids every single day every minute and never getting a break but the difference is I don’t get a choice! So why does it matter if he doesn’t want to?

Just because your ex is being useless, and you want a break from your DC doesn't mean dropping them with him and leaving them is a good idea. How do you think the children will feel when there is a row and they realise neither parent wants to be with them?
If they youngest is 6 I'm assuming they go to school and you work, so they're not actually with you permanently. I think you need to think what's best for your children.

Yes i am with them 24/7 at least one of them at all times my oldest is disabled and unable to attend school

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 10/04/2023 11:53

I’m sorry, but you can’t. And would the children even be safe with a father who doesn’t want them around?

Sadly you can’t force someone not to be a shitbag.

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