Toddler refusing to come in from the garden

[Summerheadache]

It’s lovely he’s having a nice time outside but I’m starting to get mildly concerned he’s going to waste away to nothing. Won’t eat, huge tantrums at bedtime because he has to come in, it’s absolutely doing my head in as I’m starting to feel like a prisoner!

Has anyone got the same problem? Tried outdoor picnics and so on and no joy.

Will he come in for his dad?

TBH, this is probably just a bit of a cycle - he doesn't want to eat because he's busy playing, but then he's hungry so he is more likely to have a tantrum/a bigger tantrum and then he's tired so he gets more unreasonable and it's all a bit of a nightmare.

I think actually what I'd do is have a predictable routine - he'll fight it on the first 2-3 times but then he'll get used to it and it will get easier.

So breakfast before going out as suggested before. Maybe a picnic lunch outside (or give him the choice) and then counting back from bedtime, around 2-2.5 hours before is dinner time, but outside time finishes 30 minutes before then. Give him a 5-10 minute warning, if you have specific things to play with then I used to find it helpful at that age to say things like "You can have three more slides, then it's time to come in." Or have a little ritual like watering the plants together.

When it's time to come in, be firm about it to the point of carrying him in if you need to. Don't be angry or make threats or plead or bribe or anything and don't let it drag out - I like Janet Lansbury's "confident momentum" at these kinds of moments. Confidence comes from the fact that you know you are stronger and you can make him if you really have to, but having confidence that he will just do it is also helpful. Once inside, with door closed, you can empathise that he really wanted to keep playing, he wishes he could be outside all day etc etc but then transition to another activity - maybe even something more sedentary like TV? The 30 minutes here is to give him chance to calm down and get over the fact he's been made to come in, and not link that with dinner, since that is just likely to make him reject dinner because he's in a fighting mode. Most children even if they are having a tantrum will have calmed down after half an hour.

The reason for dinner 2-2.5 hours before bed is that IME if you have dinner too late then they are too tired to have any sense left, they don't want to eat, they get into silly arguments, they go all floppy and whiny. But then if they haven't eaten then they get even more silly/hangry/whiny and of course they don't tend to sleep well if they haven't eaten much.

You can then decide if you want to offer some more outside time after dinner (perhaps as a reward for coming in and eating nicely?) or just avoid the scenario altogether and say no, after dinner we stay in, let's do something else.

My son is like this!! He has no interest in food if there’s something else he wants to do. But he does have a huge appetite, if you can just get him to sit still long enough… and he won’t sleep if he hasn’t eaten a lot - catch 22.

I would try to relax about it as much as you can - the more you push the more he will dig heels in and he won’t starve away! I found it got worse because part of the meltdown was hunger, but by then you couldn’t reason with him at all. So I would make sure you’re doing plenty of regular snacks (and if that means effectively serving dinner in the form of snacks over a longer period and a bit earlier than usual, and coming in for something much smaller then so be it). Porridge is your friend if you’re worried he hasn’t eaten enough.

I confess I found a tv programme helped the transition from play to dinner 😬 And it did improve over time. There are other things that will provide opportunities to change the pattern over time too, like potty training and the need to come inside for that. I promise to some extent it’s a phase, but some children do just find transitions harder than others.

If I were you I’d try and find some vague pretext for having a thing you “have to” take bring in with him every evening - can you plant something and take it outside during the day and bring it in at night to measure it or something?!?! Then he can bring it inside when it’s time and you can shut the door behind him! Or a favourite toy that stays inside and the playtime window with that toubis whenever you want him to come in. Also getting into an end of day routine outside that ties into his play - parking all the cars etc? That way when he looks outside he’s not seeing his playspace in the same way (same principle as tidying toys etc in the house). It also sends the signal that it’s going to be time to come inside soon, but allows a good amount of time to acclimatise to the idea.

good luck!!

That would be too obvious! 🙄

It's interesting that you say he is strong and you are pregnant. I'm not doubting either of these statements, but it always reminds me of a Janet Lansbury article that was a real lightbulb moment for me (because I completely recognise/empathise with this situation). She is writing to a mum who is saying something like "I'm really struggling to wrestle him because he's so strong" (her son is four). Janet says "You say your boy is strong, but you are stronger, aren't you?"

I think sometimes if you are a very nice, kind, empathetic person, that can sometimes manifest in a little bit of a people pleasing/conflict avoidant kind of personality, and in parenting that can sometimes manifest in a bit of a fear of upsetting our child or being easily overwhelmed when they have really big feelings. It's not that they are literally physically stronger, because if you think about that logically, that is not likely to be true when the child is 2, or even 4. Adults are inherently stronger than little children. But I think if you do fall into this trap then when they are getting into that state of being so overwhelmed that they are pushing or pulling or whatever physically, then it can kind of transfer to us and we go "Argh! I can't deal with this!" because we're kind of almost scared to just take charge and say no - actually - this is happening because I've decided and I'm in charge. You don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with me, you are allowed to be upset about it, but it's time to go inside now and I'm not negotiating or arguing.

But really, that's what they want us to say/do. And that's what they need us to say/do. I don't even know what the fear is OF. It's not logical, it doesn't make sense. I think maybe when it happens to me, I'm scared that their upset is so big that it will never ever end and I will have ruined them for life, which obviously when you step back from it is not true - they will get over it, and it's OK for them to be upset or angry with you sometimes. It's not the end of the world.

This is the Janet article which I absolutely read more into than is there, but maybe what is actually there is helpful

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/respectful-parenting-is-not-permissive-parenting/

I would try a sand timer. Get one of those big 5 or 10 minute ones and tell him that he needs to come in for lunch/ dinner when the sand runs out. If he does, he gets to turn it over and play till it runs out again, after he's eaten.

This gives him visual warning time/ countdown so he can mentally prepare for going inside.

I also wouldn't get into a power struggle over food - separate it from the issue of not wanting to come in. When DC was like this at that age, I served the meal outdoors & let him eat it when he wanted. I usually made the meal a snacky meal e.g. crudite, cheese on toast. He'll eat when he's hungry & as others have said, they do go through periods of not eating much. Also, the novelty of the garden will probably wear off a bit & he'll calm down a bit soon, hopefully.

Persuade him he's a dog. He can give himself a dog name. Call the dog in for dinner. He can perform tricks for bits of dinner. Then time for the dog to sleep.

What is he actually eating in a day? Some days toddlers eat more, some days less. Are you sure that part of what's going on is not just normal variation in eating habits? Tell us what he actually has on a day when he 'barely eats'?

A bit out there, but this sounds like one of those scenarios where the problem solving approach described in 'how to talk so little people will listen' might actually be of use.

At a time when you are both calm and he is able to engage in a conversation with you, explain that you understand he is upset when he has to leave the garden as he is enjoying playing. Then state briefly that the problem is you are worried he will be hungry and tired if he doesn't come in for meals and bedtime. Then have a conversation about solutions (pen and paper needed). Make sure he comes up with the first solution, and write a list of all the ideas he has (and some of yours), even if they are ridiculous/non-sensical. Then work through the list one by one until you identify one or several solutions you both are happy with and see if he will be more willing to go along with things if you use that solution.

Could be worth a go?!

What you have OP is a transition problem. My kids have additional needs so I am good at this.

Some strategies - time warnings often don’t help even with a sand timer but “5 more goes on the slide, or one more turn on the lawnmower etc”. Or finish off with some music - come in at the end of the song (songs are easier to understand the time of)

other issue is that you need to transition from a fun thing to another fun thing. So garden (fun) to dinner (not fun) won’t work unless it’s an amazing dinner. But garden to a biscuit / tv episode or whatever works for him is easier. Then transition from that to dinner.

Also agree with others and following through on consequences if need be and the other strategies don’t work.

Great advice OP. BertieBotts, you express it all so well always. A mine of information.

Have you tried telling him e.g. 10 more minutes and then you come inside, and setting an alarm for when he needs to come in, "when the alarm goes off you come inside, do you understand?"

He'll kick off sometimes but hold the boundary. Its ok for him to cry, just try to be calm and empathetic and it should subside.

As for eating, for an easier life, could you sometimes bring food outside?

My DD is 27 months and in the last month I've been blown away by the tantrums, it can be really draining but it's par for the course isn't it.

While this is a great technique, it is highly unlikely to work with a 2.5 year old. It's better for age 4/5+.

The problem you'll have at 2 is that firstly language skills might not even be advanced enough to have the conversation in the first place.

It is also unlikely that he will be able to recall a previous event and make a reasonable judgement about it. And even if you do manage to come up with any solutions and they don't divert the conversation to total nonsense, they are unlikely to remember the conversation later on.

However, great book and plenty of the solutions ARE workable at this age.

You say dinner then outside and repeat. Keep repeating until eaten then outside. It's really not hard you don't give In till his eaten

it really is hard with a 2 year old.

100% agree with the fun transition point @Icmdiba

OP my 2 year old is very feisty and will scream if she has to stop doing something unless it's for something else acceptable.

Mine loves a bath so I'd use that to get her into the house. I would then feed her dinner afterwards.

I think he probably needs to just learn that time to come in is just that, kick or scream or whatever else. 2 year old tantrums just have to be ridden out and don't rise to it or you'll create a nightmare for yourself

Would it help to say... we are going to play in the garden for half an hour and then we are going to have lunch/go to the shops etc. Warn him before the end and then tidy up and go inside. With lunch etc honestly I'd either keep him in until the afternoon, or just bring him in, wait for him to calm down for a while (ipad or peppa pig can calm my 2.5 demon). Then after he's calm do lunch.

@BertieBotts I agree and remember thinking the same when I read it that it was an older child tactic, but I'm sure in the book she gave examples of using this with similar age children? Agree other solutions probably better at this age though, just thought I'd throw it out there!

My middle son was like this, he lived for the garden, he'd be putting on his waterproofs over a nappy and be desperate to unlock the doors at 7am 🤣

What we did was got him a lunchbox with paw patrol on and he would have things to pick on throughout the day.

I've found my toddlers were only really bothered by food during growth spurts, I didn't push it too much. They'll let you know when they're hungry.

He sounds an adorable wee chap!

Mine used to do this , it was just a phase. Bribe with the tv to come back in ? Or a biscuit?

I hope he's in by now OP!!

Hang in there, having the same problem with my 18mo, she points to the patio doors the minute we come downstairs. I tried lunch out there yesterday on her little table and chairs but she was so distracted she wouldn’t eat, but also wouldn’t come inside to eat 😂

My ds was the same. Used to carry hom in kicking and screaming most days. He was in his cars or pottering all day with toys. For years. He's now a 20 year old bricklayer - he likes to be outside. We got a Wendy house, made a little blow up bed section, kids table and chair etc. He ate lunch out there (in his own time) and sometimes dinner. He would be out in all weathers but in ski kit if necessary.

Having the same problem still @Thefaceofboe , did DS a little picnic lunch yesterday and Friday but he didn’t eat much, a bit of cheese from inside a sandwich and a few blueberries, that was it. Then eating his dinner took over an hour. Sigh! It would be fine if he didn’t need feeding!