Toddler refusing to come in from the garden

[Summerheadache]

It’s lovely he’s having a nice time outside but I’m starting to get mildly concerned he’s going to waste away to nothing. Won’t eat, huge tantrums at bedtime because he has to come in, it’s absolutely doing my head in as I’m starting to feel like a prisoner!

Has anyone got the same problem? Tried outdoor picnics and so on and no joy.

DS also has had huge meltdowns for the same reason. He loves being outside. It’s got better since we’ve introduced warnings. Eg “one more turn on the slide and then we’re going to go inside/eat tea/have a nappy change” we reiterate as he climbs up that it’s the last time, if he tries to go again it’s a firm “no, we said that’s the last time” there’s still sulking and sometimes tantrums but it has got better now he knows where the boundaries are. I said “one more turn on the swing and then we are going to the shops” the other day and after one push he said “shop”. He knows. It takes longer than dragging him in, but it’s also a lot easier.

That’s good @PurBal i hope DS is learning similar, he’s usually fairly good about coming away from parks and so on but the garden seems harder, probably because he can still see it when he’s inside.

I wanted to add that DS doesn’t understand “5 minutes” but he does understand “one more …” or “after we do X we will do Y”

Fingers crossed for you OP!

What happens if you sit down outside and eat something he likes, @Summerheadache - no comment or requests for him to come and eat, just you obviously enjoying a treat? Then when/if he comes over say yes, he can have a treat too, when he eats his sandwich.

One thing I found helped when my boys were small was telling them that something I was eating was only for grown-ups, and they shouldn’t like it - it often made them eat it just to prove me wrong.

But I have every sympathy with you - the tantrums of the terrible twos are a nightmare to deal with. I have told this story on here many, many times, but when ds1 was in the worst of the terrible twos, and had been screaming non stop for 45 minutes that morning (after a 90 minute tantrum the night before), and I was on the last shred of my last nerve, I rang dh in tears. As I was talking to him, the screaming stopped, so I rang off and went to investigate, and found ds1 at the kitchen bin, eating left over tortilla chips we had thrown away the night before - and that was what had stopped Thame tantrum. But that isn’t the worst part - I knew that, if I took him away from his delicious bin-snack, he would start screaming again, and I simply couldn’t face it, so I let him carry on until he got bored of the Doritos and wandered off - then I emptied the bin and found somewhere safe to put it.

He didn’t even have the slightest tummy upset as a result - not a bother on him - and he grew up just fine. In fact his best man told the story at his wedding last year!

So don’t worry - this too shall pass.

How do you react to tantrums? Try to negotiate? Try to talk him down or just ignore him to get on with it and calm down?

I had DS2 when DS1 was 2 and I never had the terrible twos with him. I was usually too frazzled with the two of them, so largely ignored his tantrums. Most times he'd calm down by the time I put DS2 and got to him. I did parent DS2 differently and tried to calm him down more. It made tantrums worse IMO.

When he's having his tantrum and refusing to do stuff, just pick him up, bring him in and ignore him. When he realises it won't get him any attention from you, he'll get tired.

I love that story 😂

@Legocurlers i do mostly stay calm (on the surface anyway - inside I’m screaming too!)

I know the official advice is to name the feeling but any further noise just gets him more worked up so I just usually say it’s ok, it’s ok soothingly. He does settle eventually. It’s really only recently they’ve been this bad - I mean, he had his moments before but short lived but have been definitely ramped up of late. I do think he’s really developing -
suddenly seems a lot more grown up and requesting particular songs, singing along, asking questions. Downside of this is drama, lots of drama!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius it sometimes works but isn’t foolproof! He’s a bit of a pain with sandwiches and takes the filling out and discards the bread! Still, a lot of my friends kids are the same. He’d eat snacks I think but worried about this route. It’s a minefield!

Having worked with this age group for a very long time I agree they don't understand a minute but it's a pre-warning going to happen soon and prepares them...try getting 8 in for lunch lol.

Ah he sounds like a cutie and I well remember being what felt like the only mum still out and about in the long evenings with my very keen toddler and imagining all the other 2 and 3 year olds having their dinners and baths and stories while I was gallivanting across the countryside trying to keep up with mine.

Hopefully it's just a bit of a phase while he gets used to the clock adjustment. He might be a bit poorly with something too. Sometimes even though they don't seem poorly, you realise a couple of days later perhaps they were.

I used to find the two choices tactic quite handy. They start wanting a bit of a say in what happens in their life at this age, which is a good thing.
"Do you want dinner first or bath first?"
Do you want to play in the garden tomorrow or go to the shops tomorrow?" (Even if it's a pointless question, he thinks he has a bit of control over decision making and that will help).

Where do you live? There was hailstorm at 17.00 here today!

I love that tip! I actually work with slightly older children and have found it works so well - do you want to sit by the door or window and they choose the window when actually all you wanted was for them to sit at the front! It’s genius.

I’ll definitely try with the one more … although DS is an angel at nursery, eats everything, naps (another battle …!) it’ll be great fun with two of them 😂

Oh gosh, east midlands? No hail here!

o I see, I got a different impression from your earlier posts

I tend to think it's not a good idea to get into a power struggle around food because children may then use it to exert control when they are feeling powerless. So try not to react with concern or frustration Trust that he will actually eat what he needs. And if that isn't happening and you are really worried he is not getting enough then you would be sensible to talk with your GP.

I'd be inclined to have his very favourite foods ready and tell him you've got them for him and say he can let you know when he is hungry and would like to eat some. At the same time you could say "Do you think you would like your fishfingers/whatever in the garden or indoors today when you get hungry?"

Sometimes giving children small choices distracts them from the bigger power struggle they are engaging in. Making a choice gives them a little more sense of autonomy in a world they have almost no control over. The trick is for you to be in charge of what the choice is. Maybe even asking things like:"Would teddy like his lunch in the garden today? Will you feed him and show him how to eat it if I give you the sandwiches? "

It is confusing being the age you DS is. He is beginning to explore and find he can do some things for himself. In fact he will be rewarded and encouraged to do some things himself. So choosing to climb upstairs or put his toys in a box might be rewarded but trying to open the front door won't be! It can be a frustrating business working out what gets approval and what doesn't. And sometimes it's all too much and they take a stand! That's what the terrible twos are about.

During the day I'd leave him to it if you don't need to be anywhere and the garden is childproof! How about filling a paddling pool late in the day? He will enjoy that but once he's wet and feeling chilly, he'll probably want to come in and then you can shut the door and put him in a warm bath!

I would try some incentives. You can o my go back outside if you eat and stick to it. I know easier tasks than done but if he learns that the sooner he gets on and eats the sooner he can get back out. Also we tend to have a bedtime routine the same all year round so they always have half an hour before bath time down time. Can you get stickers to encourage him to be calmer? At that age they are all different but my eldest very much responded to strict boundaries and consequences including rewards for good behaviour.

Pick him up bring him in. He doesn't eat He doesn't get back outside

It’s like a PP said though - I don’t want food to be a battle and I’m reluctant to make an issue on thst basis. I will try a teddy bears picnic actually, he may like that, although the teddy bears may need a wash!

Then he doesn't get out to play tomorrow. You are the parent, set boundaries and repercussions, stick to them.

I think he sounds overtired. If my 2.5 year old was at nursery til 3.15pm he would be cranky and not reasonable when asking him to do something he doesn’t want to do. They sort of go passed the ability to think rationally when super tired and when toddlers feeling emotional in general.

It’s just one of those toddler battles I guess. From your other replies saying you do a variety of groups/he goes to nursery he isn’t outside all day every day on his own eating nothing. So I don’t think it’s a major cause for concern.

Not wanting to stop doing something they like (playing outside) and being too overtired for dinner that they choose not to eat, is super common in the toddler years. My best advice would be make sure he’s well rested and limit the opportunity for battles. If he’s been to nursery, go for a walk in the fresh air straight after so he has outdoor time, then when home he doesn’t play in the garden, it’s wind down time with some quiet interaction and dinner time. Something like that to incorporate a new routine. Toddlers need a lot more down time and less stimulation than we think, they can get very overstimulated and overtired so easily with busy days. Especially at nursery where they are expected to navigate social skills etc

Oh that really made me laugh 😂

What would happen if one day you made him a “lunch box” of very easy to eat, tempting things (not just treats, but crackers, cheese, little bits of veg etc), and let him take it out in the morning and choose when/what to eat from it? And you say NOTHING about it at all - no coaxing, no reminding, nothing. Just watch and see what happens.

Have you tried a visual timer which counts down to dinner time?
The other thing we did was a sort of clock or tick list which had pictures of garden, food etc. he could tick when it's time to move to the next thing or move the hands on a paper clock or similar?

What do you do when he tantrums OP? Sounds like you want to avoid tantrums, which you really can't clearly as he's doing him, but he may be sensing that you are not ok with his emotions.