When did you start to spend time away from your baby?

[OhBanana]

For context DD is just coming up to three months. I haven’t really had any desire to spend time away from her. I’m very lucky, I’m coping really well, she sleeps so I sleep, a bit of reflux but not colicky or anything so overall so far has been an ‘easy’ baby (I’m sure that will all change at some point haha!) - but generally feel grateful and loving mum life!

BUT MIL at least once a week says in person or via text ‘let me know when you want us to come and look after DD so you can have a break’ - at first it was a nice offer and now it’s grating on me a little bit. She’s also asked for dates when I’m doing a few weeks back at work in the summer so she can have DD but I explained DP has already booked the weeks off work to spend time with DD and her response was ‘well I can have her if he has to work’ but he won’t have to, he will be on AL (she will see DD in that time though, they live locally and see her at least once a week, I make a point to take her on the weekend if I haven’t had a chance in the week!)

Previous to baby we saw them around once a month for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc so once a week is a lot for us. She was also NC with my partner for a good 6 months before we started trying for a baby but he decided to reconcile so our child could have a relationship with her (he went NC not her). (A control/manipulation issue on her part)

ANYWAY my point really is that I’m wondering when you started spending time away from your LO or started leaving them with family?

I plan to start spending a few hours out and building up whilst leaving her with DP over the next few weeks/months to help build up to my weeks back at work but we just don’t feel like we need to leave her with family yet. But maybe we need to get her ‘used’ to being away from us… she’s my first so I’m not sure what is ‘normal’

Not really for the first year. Oh there was one day my sister in law looked after her (she's a nanny) as we had to go and pick up her cot from where my other sister in law had it in storage. And one night our upstairs neighbour offered to babysit whilst we went for a quick meal out but longer than that was after the first year I'm sure

Thanks for responding- glad to hear it’s not just me that maybe would wait a little longer and that that’s okay!

I was very similar - my daughter was born in the March, and my mum had her for a couple of hours in the August while we went out for our wedding anniversary but nothing before that (to be fair, it was 2020 so there wasn't much opportunity before that but I don't think I would have wanted to anyway). I only really started leaving her regularly when she started nursery and I went back to work.
There's definitely no rush 😊

Whenever you feel like it.

I left DS for a couple of hours when he was about 3 months old, and overnight when he was 4 months so we could go to a wedding.

You don’t have to though - very kind that MiL is offering but don’t feel pressured into giving her the babysitting “experience” if you don’t need/want to.

It’s very individual. Just do what you’re happy with. I had an evening meal out with girlfriends when our twins were about 3 weeks. DH coped fine with them.

I think we left them for an evening with in laws at about 2/3 months.

I will have a few hours once a week to go and ride my horse (DH will have the kiddies)

When you're ready. My mum had ds for the night and day at about 4 weeks so i could rest. I was back at work when ds was 6 months old, so he was in nursery 2 days a week then.

When my was newborn really either at home with dh or with ILs

From newborn. But was with my mum (or DH of course!) who is great. If it were my MIL that DH went NC with for 6 months due to control and manipulation then I’d say probably 18 years old would be what I deem appropriate for DC to see them alone.

For a few hours: around 7 months
Overnight: around 10 months
I EBF until 6 months, by 7 months I was happy that DS would eat a snack if he was really hungry. I had a hen do at 10 months, I only went because it was close by. He refused formula or expressed milk in both a cup and bottle and his nappies were on the dry side but I had expressed regularly and couldn’t wait to feed him when I got home.

ANYWAY my point really is that I’m wondering when you started spending time away from your LO or started leaving them with family?

No, you need to nip this in the bud with MIL. Or better yet, get DH to.

I'd also stop building up the expectation that they'll see her every single week, personally, because while it's a lovely thing that you're doing, she's already stepping on boundaries... but I could very much be projecting, because I tried really hard to involve my MIL, ignored everyone here who warned me she was pushing boundaries and put it down to her being excited and wanting to be involved, and then it all blew up in my face and I regret it massively. I wish I'd taken steps initially and risked a small fall-out, even if it would have felt big at the time, rather than what has happened now... So I'm passing this on incase you want to learn from my mistakes!!

ESPECIALLY given that your partner has previously been NC...

If that wasn't the case; I'd be saying DH should tell her that appreciate the offer but you'll let her know when you're ready and she shouldn't keep prodding... but surely you aren't going to leave your daughter with her unsupervised if she's controlling and manipulative to the degree that her own child has been NC? It'd be supervised contact only, for me; and even then I'd probably draw the line at monthly or so.

Depends on the length of time you're talking about! DS2 is 3 weeks corrected and my parents have taken him out in the pram for an hour or so while I've had a nap. But they live round the corner so it's not a big deal for them to pop over. I'd also happily have them look after him if I had a doctor's appointment or something like that. He's exclusively breastfed so there's an inbuilt limit for how long he can be away from me for, but I don't think I'd like him to be away from me just for the sake of it.

With DS1 I think the first time he spent any significant time away from me or DP was when I was laid out with a vomiting bug and DP had a work conference, MIL came and looked after him for the day. I think that was 7/8 months. She also took him when we went to a matinee performance at a similar age.

I’m in a similar situation to you. I have a DS who’s 3 months. He’s also a super easy baby and I have no desire yet to leave him with anyone, tbh the thought of it makes me quite anxious! I have planned to have a day out with friends in a couple of months time so I think that will be my first time away from him when he’s around 5months.

However, I felt the total opposite with DC1. Looking back I was really struggling with being a new mum and I left him overnight for the first time with my parents when he was around 5 weeks old. If you don’t feel ready to leave your dc yet that’s absolutely fine. Don’t let your MIL pressure you into it. If the constant asking is starting to irritate you I’d try nip it in the bud now but I think it would be best coming from your DP.

At 1 week old left him with my mum to return the tens machine, I was away for about 2hrs. From about 4 weeks he went to MILs for one afternoon each week, this stopped after about 6 weeks as apparently grandmother duties didn't include changing nappies and I got fed up with the nappy rash. At 8 months I had to take my gran to a wedding, service only, and left son with my dad who fed him fish and chips and gave him milk in a glass. He survived.

I absolutely see your points and appreciate the word of warning!

I have been replying with ‘thanks for the kind offer, we will let you know if/when we are ready’ - I think the constant offering partially comes from the fact that by the time her kids were this age she was leaving them frequently with her parents. No judgement, just that’s how his parents did things so is assuming that’s what we want but maybe she thinks that we think that we can’t ask or something?

For context - She does have and always has had, I think, genuinely the best intentions but sadly has foisted what she think is ‘best’ for DP upon him over the years and has previously been quite emotionally manipulative about it. (To the point where he had just had enough and needed a break, understandably. She has since backed off him for the most part but does now tend to do more communicating with us through me instead) Sometimes she is right, sometimes she is wrong but struggles to let him make his own decisions!

But overall I can see from all the responses that there isn’t a one size fits all answer and we should go with whatever we are comfortable with! I just wasn’t sure if I was missing something in terms of when one ‘normally’ stats to leave baby with family or a trusted loved one, since MIL was asking/offering sooo frequently!

I need to get over the hump of leaving her alone with DP before I even think about her going elsewhere! Doesn’t help that she is EBF and the bottle is a gamble whenever it’s offered! Thank you all for your input, definitely feeling less pressured to leave her with MIL now!

Although my daughter has gone to the in-laws for up to six hours at a time, it's only because I have genuinely needed some childcare to get work done or so that my partner and I can spend a bit of time together as this otherwise point blank doesn't happen. I never have the desire to be apart from her though and it breaks my heart every time watching her be driven off in the car. Not everyone "needs a break" from their baby so you're not alone, although that paradigm isn't widely accepted or understood in our society.

I didn’t much until I went back to work, apart from a couple of hours at weekends to look after my horse. Sometimes I took baby with me but if I wanted to ride I’d squeeze a short one in while she was with DH.

First 6 months wasn’t as much as she was EBF but once weaning I could do 3hrs and not be missed if DH distracted with food.

She has only ever been with one of us or nursery though and she is now 3.5.

You’d be absolutely crazy to leave your child with someone that has that fractious a relationship with your DH. Absolutely don’t do it.

Sounds like MIL and your DH have a maladjusted relationship so I'd echo the warnings of others here and be careful letting her 'in' too soon, or too often. Manage her expectations from the beginning on less frequent contact. To save her feelings you might suggest doing some things together, perhaps? A few (appropriately spaced) days out that you can plan for. Infrequent quality time together, rather than letting her take over every week might be a good compromise.

Also, drastic solution, but you could move a good few hours away. That'll limit contact naturally! (lol, both our mums live a 5hr drive away else they'd be round nonstop 🙄😂)

Whenever you feel comfortable to. That will be different for everyone. We had our first date night at around 6 weeks (out at a local pub for 2 hours or so). Our first overnight away was about 9 months. Now (19 months) I wouldn't think twice about either when the opportunity arises!

@OhBanana I can see bits of my MIL in yours... Down to that I think she really does think she's doing what is best for DH, and that when he started withdrawing a bit, she started talking through me.

She got worse when our baby came; and as she felt her "grip" on DH was loosening, she started behaving in weirder and weirder ways, and getting more and more manipulative. It culminated in them shouting at us in public in November, in front of DS, when he was 11 months old. It really shocked him. SD and I haven't seen them since, DH has seen them once, but nothing since the end of November. MIL continues to send odd messages, sometimes strange manipulative messages about how old and tired they are - ignoring that me and DS exist completely - and sometimes ignoring the situation totally and messaging as if nothing had ever happened, about lambs and gardens and random stuff they've seen on TV. DH doesn't often reply.

Anyway - I'd decide yourself, and then with DP, what you're comfortable with and where your boundaries are. My big regret is that I knew she was pushing mine, just with silly little things; and we kept making excuses because DS is a first grandchild and she probably meant well and I didn't want to be a nightmare DIL or make her feel pushed out... and in the end, it meant that her behaviour just got worse.

If she struggles to let you make your own decisions, I'd probably take a purposefully hard line in this now, so she doesn't overrule you on more serious ones down the line - things that would genuinely be upsetting/dangerous, like when to wean, or when to forward face, or when to cut hair. It'll also be an opportunity for her to show that she can listen to you both, and respect what you say. If she can't - I wouldn't be leaving DD with her at all, and I'd minimise contact to whatever you both feel is appropriate. If she can, you'll be reassured for those bigger decisions down the line.

There's honestly no rush, though. DS didn't go away from me for quite some time. I went back to work quite early on but thankfully he could be with me; and the first time he had to leave me for any real-time was 5 months or so, for a few hours. At six months, I worked an event that meant he was with DH for the morning and the afternoon (I met them at lunchtime to feed him) and that was strange, and then we did similar at 11 months - both times I had days I was fine, and days when I was really tearful! My big worry was how he'd do being left by us both as he didn't start nursery until he was 10 months, but he's done absolutely fine - he loves it there, and lots of his baby friends (who started much younger) do too. Plus all of us find it strangely easier dropping the babies there than with family 😅

Anyway, moral of the story - Don't be pressured. I honestly regret that I let myself be SO much. It makes me so sad to think about. I'll never get that time of his life back and it affected my mental health so much. My memories are all tainted by it. If I can stop that happening to you - at least something "good" came from it x

I went back to work at 9 months so my DD stayed with her Dad whilst I was away. I don't think I had more than a couple of hours away from her before then, and that was either when I went to the supermarket or when her Dad took her out for a bit to give me a break. I felt oddly against having anyone other than her Dad look after her. I think it was the worry that it would start as a couple of hours, and then would turn into every week, and then half a day a week etc. A lot of people would be grateful for the help, but I just didn't want it.

Not until he was 13 months when I returned to work! Exclusively breastfed and has always refused bottles.

I was happy to leave mine when they were tiny, but only with their Dad.

The only time they were with someone else (other than childcare) was when their siblings were born.

It's ok HOWEVER you feel about it! Everyone will be different but it's your decision 100% so do what feels right! My daughter is 13 months and I have had friends/siblings constantly saying she should stay overnight at my parents 'to get her used to it' but I honestly couldn't bear it (not for any trust issues - I just don't want to, it simply wouldn't feel right) I have left her with my mum on a few occasions to go to lunch with friends and one dinner, but not until she was a few months I think and tbh even now I still just miss her terribly whenever I'm away. Enjoy the time with your daughter and follow your gut x

Could you get DH to take her to see MIL? Unless you really don't want to be apart from her (which is fine!) But just thinking maybe that would take some of the heat off. My DH takes our daughter to his mums one morning a week and I find it just gives me time to shower in peace, have a cup of tea etc! And maybe he could explain to her that you're not ready for a babysitter yet x