When did you start to spend time away from your baby?

[OhBanana]

For context DD is just coming up to three months. I haven’t really had any desire to spend time away from her. I’m very lucky, I’m coping really well, she sleeps so I sleep, a bit of reflux but not colicky or anything so overall so far has been an ‘easy’ baby (I’m sure that will all change at some point haha!) - but generally feel grateful and loving mum life!

BUT MIL at least once a week says in person or via text ‘let me know when you want us to come and look after DD so you can have a break’ - at first it was a nice offer and now it’s grating on me a little bit. She’s also asked for dates when I’m doing a few weeks back at work in the summer so she can have DD but I explained DP has already booked the weeks off work to spend time with DD and her response was ‘well I can have her if he has to work’ but he won’t have to, he will be on AL (she will see DD in that time though, they live locally and see her at least once a week, I make a point to take her on the weekend if I haven’t had a chance in the week!)

Previous to baby we saw them around once a month for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc so once a week is a lot for us. She was also NC with my partner for a good 6 months before we started trying for a baby but he decided to reconcile so our child could have a relationship with her (he went NC not her). (A control/manipulation issue on her part)

ANYWAY my point really is that I’m wondering when you started spending time away from your LO or started leaving them with family?

I plan to start spending a few hours out and building up whilst leaving her with DP over the next few weeks/months to help build up to my weeks back at work but we just don’t feel like we need to leave her with family yet. But maybe we need to get her ‘used’ to being away from us… she’s my first so I’m not sure what is ‘normal’

The first time I left DS1 with someone other than DH he was probably around 5-6 months old and it was for about 2 hours whilst we went out for dinner. (We were in lockdown until he was about 4 months old though). We first left him overnight when he was about 8-9 month whilst we went out for our anniversary. I’d left him overnight once with DH prior to this too. DS2 is now 5 weeks old and I’m not sure when I will leave him for the first time. Our anniversary is in august so maybe then and my best friend who lives a few hours away is 40 in the summer too so I’ll possibly leave him overnight with DH to go out for that too.

you just have to do what works for you, you will know when you are ready.

We had trouble getting dd to take a bottle. She finally drank from a cup at 9 months. She wasn’t a big food eater so we couldn’t rely on that. we eventually figure out it was ASD but that wasn’t for years.

I went out to lunch by myself for an hour. It was a wonderful and much needed break. It was the first of many relatively short outings that followed as we worked our way up to linger excursions.

I was happy to leave mine right from when he was tiny, but I had supportive family members who were happy to have him and not pushy. It doesn't really matter what everyone else does. We are all different. What matters is what you and your DH are happy with, and what works for your family. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't feel comfortable with.

My dm had mine overnight occasionally from a couple of weeks old, mainly because I was struggling with PND and getting over the birth physically, I needed a break.

I let MIL have her for a few hours a week since she was 1. I cried the first few times so I guess that I wasn't ready emotionally but I needed a babysitter as a back up for doctors/dentists appointments. Also, MIL has a strong bond with all her grandkids and I don't have a mother anymore so wanted to give my child that (bond with a granny) as well.

First time I left her (with her dad) for a weekend just because I felt like it was when she had just turned two.

2 years 9 months when he started pre-school. Not that I didn’t want to earlier - I really did - but we had nobody to leave him with. I would have been happy leaving him at about 4. Moths, I think. I couldn’t afford to work at that stage - would have cost more than I would earn.

I did the odd hour or 2 here and there probably from around 3 months, things like getting my hair done. I'd leave her with my parents for that. I've actually never left her along with my MIL and she's now 4! I have never felt confident enough with that for various reasons. She will look after her but only when my partner is there as well in the background. Everyone is different with who and how long they are comfortable for. Sounds like you're making sure she sees the baby and has a relationship, don't feel pressured to do any more yet.

At 8 months I left baby alone with my mother to run errands or have medical appointments but I refused the in-laws offer of overnight babysitting so my husband and I could have a weekend away (which we never asked for or wanted). They said they felt left out but I told them they could visit anytime and see baby. But no way am I leaving my baby overnight with them.

It felt ok to me to leave my babies with someone else from about 4~5 months onwards. I had like a click and it felt right.

However, in your situation and seeing the past controlling/manipulative behaviour if your MIL, I would be careful and only organise anything that you are truly comfortable.

My eldest is 14, youngest 5. I still haven't "started leaving them with family". They're my kids, I don't expect or want anyone else to regularly care for them. My sibling very much relies on our parents and that has made our mum believe she has some kind of say / input in how my sibling parents her children. My parents know not to bother interfering in my parenting as its nothing to do with them. My parents visit maybe once a fortnight, we visit them on special occasions...and that's enough.

We share the childcare, and on the one of the rare occasions we go out together (not more than once a year) we pay a childminder to sit with the kids. The childminder already helps with the odd hour or two here and there when our work shifts cross and we really can't shuffle.

But we don't spend nights away from them, and don't rely on family for anything

My eldest is 14 and has never spent a night away from me except for a school residential trip for 2 nights.

BUT I don't see why it's "unhealthy" for a child to be without their mother for a few hours. It depends in what circumstances they are being left and who they're being left with.

When they started school😂

@Couldntgive2hoots infant, I wouldn't know about child but an infant's home is their mum.

Mine is nearly 17 months, she's been with my mum once for 2 hours otherwise she's just been with me or my husband (usually the both of us). I don't feel the need to not be with her personally at the moment.
I think its whenever you're comfortable.

I couldn't agree more.

I left my baby for the first time at 2 weeks because I wanted to go to dinner with my husband. I was coping just fine, I just didn't and still don't see the need to be with him 24/7 and I don't agree that it's beneficial.

It doesn't sound to me as if that's really what you're asking. You sound as if your real question is whether you should be letting your MIL look after your baby as she keeps offering, and you're unsure as to how you're 'supposed' to feel about it. I was spending time away from my baby from a few weeks old because I had a project I needed to finish, but he was with DH when I wasn't there. I wouldn't have trusted either of my PILs with him -- old, mad, very different ideas about baby care.

We had no nearby family, had just moved house to a very small village in a new area , and two of our new neighbours were also pregnant with their first babies ; two of us had stopped work so we were all at home and at sea together in the back of beyond. That was all we had in common :-) but it was fun.
From very early on in the babies lives (maybe 6 weeks?) , we would look after each others baby for an hour or two so the mum could go shopping, to an appointment etc. This set a precedent for all my childrearing years. Wherever we lived, I made a new circle of mothers in the same boat and we shared our children; babysitting ( by day and night) ; nursery and school runs, passing on clothes and equipment, advice and support.

At least you have a good excuse not to leave baby with her due to EBF! You can drag that out for ages 👍 She shouldn’t keep pressuring you though, that’s not right!

When she was three and went to preschool.

Mine is nearly 2.5 and we haven't spent much time away from him yet. The occasional couple of hours while at the dentist etc. He's never been away from us for a night.

We don't live near family or friends so this may have been different if grandparents or siblings saw him regularly. All grandparents are great at coming to see us and help when really needed.

I'm not that bothered about being away from him though for our benefit or the benefit of someone asking (ie a grandparent). I would do what feels right for you, not what anyone else asks you to do.

I felt obliged to create an account just to reply to this!

I would echo others concerns about boundaries on this one and urge you to tread VERY carefully with your MIL. My partner and I (sadly) have drawn a short straw with family and have many relatives who we have to limit our DC contact with/ensure supervised contact only due to similar issues around boundaries/manipulation/mental health etc. It sounds to me that she has realised that her own DS is willing to cut her off and assert himself so is hoping if she communicates through you she will be more successful in “getting her own way”. As the previous poster said - this might be projection from me! But I’ve found that having a new DC can be a vulnerable time that can impact how you see these things as you so desire them to have a positive relationship with grandparents.

I am much more comfortable leaving my DC in nursery than with any of my family members and only started to do this when I went back to work at 9/10 months. Previous to this was just me & DP who looked after him! (He settled fine and is very confident now in a variety of settings)

There is a bit of a theme on MN that you must accept offers to babysit as you will regret it if you don’t but this isn’t always the case. Our son is 6, we have a well balanced child, feel like a solid team & have a very happy life 😊 You do what you feel comfortable with & be wary of anyone who tries to pressurise you into feeling differently. MIL isn’t stupid she is continuing to ask the same question in the hope you will change your mind for HER benefit it’s not about meeting your or your DCs needs x

I didn’t at all until DS was about 1. I just wasn’t comfortable with it. He didn’t spend a night away until he was nearly 4. DH needs to tell her straight to stop asking and you will come to her when you’re ready. Sounds like he’s going to have to be quite blunt

My kids were about 7 and 9 when they first spent a night away from me. They also only ever went to my parents in an emergency, they’ve never been very hands on and they are my children therefore my responsibility but it was hard to not feel grumpy when I saw how much help other people got from their parents and how happy they were to do it, I used to get into such a panic if I had to ask my parents for help.
They are much happier to have the kids now they are older though but still I only ask if I really have no other options.

I think your little one is still too young to have regular time away from you but it’s lovely that you have a mil who wants to be so involved, I definitely would have appreciated any help offered as it can get really tough and isolating sometimes, I think I would have really liked to have had the odd day where I could catch up with stuff or just have a moment to myself for a little while but the most important thing is for you to feel comfortable about it, it’s ok to say you’d rather wait until she is older/when you feel ready.

About 9 months. Once had to leave him at four months for a few hours but that wasn't for fun.

After approx 8 weeks. My OH encouraged it. I Spending time with friends, just being ‘me’ was really beneficial. I never felt depressed, overwhelmed or like I was struggling.