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Original poster

When did you start to spend time away from your baby?

94 replies

OhBanana · 06/04/2023 09:57

For context DD is just coming up to three months. I haven’t really had any desire to spend time away from her. I’m very lucky, I’m coping really well, she sleeps so I sleep, a bit of reflux but not colicky or anything so overall so far has been an ‘easy’ baby (I’m sure that will all change at some point haha!) - but generally feel grateful and loving mum life!

BUT MIL at least once a week says in person or via text ‘let me know when you want us to come and look after DD so you can have a break’ - at first it was a nice offer and now it’s grating on me a little bit. She’s also asked for dates when I’m doing a few weeks back at work in the summer so she can have DD but I explained DP has already booked the weeks off work to spend time with DD and her response was ‘well I can have her if he has to work’ but he won’t have to, he will be on AL (she will see DD in that time though, they live locally and see her at least once a week, I make a point to take her on the weekend if I haven’t had a chance in the week!)

Previous to baby we saw them around once a month for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc so once a week is a lot for us. She was also NC with my partner for a good 6 months before we started trying for a baby but he decided to reconcile so our child could have a relationship with her (he went NC not her). (A control/manipulation issue on her part)

ANYWAY my point really is that I’m wondering when you started spending time away from your LO or started leaving them with family?

I plan to start spending a few hours out and building up whilst leaving her with DP over the next few weeks/months to help build up to my weeks back at work but we just don’t feel like we need to leave her with family yet. But maybe we need to get her ‘used’ to being away from us… she’s my first so I’m not sure what is ‘normal’

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

redyellowpinkbluegreen · 07/04/2023 19:09

6 months but that's cos she was EBF and wouldn't take a bottle. When she did I had plenty of nights away. She's only ever stayed with my sister overnight but has done quite a few times! You have to do it when you're ready. I know lots of people who have never had a night away but I personally like it!

redyellowpinkbluegreen · 07/04/2023 19:10

I had my sisters hen party st 6 months and really wanted to go and my DD decided to take a
Bottle a week before so I was able to go. I was so ready for a night away at that point

cigarettesNalcohol · 07/04/2023 19:22

Jeeeez, what I'd give to have a family member or relative look after our child so we can catch a break. You're lucky, take up the offer for some time to yourself. As she gets older you'll need it more and more and maybe will feel grateful for the offer. Our families lives too far away so we never get any date nights/time to ourselves except once or twice a year and that's when we have to initiate. We never get the offer and so therefore your MIL offering to help puts you in a privileged position. Take her up on it.

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CheeseMcKnees · 07/04/2023 19:24

5 minutes after birth when they went to NICU. Left first night at 3 days old and first night away at 2 months. Left every weekend to go and ride my horse.

id like to say they turned out normal but that’s a lie 😆

OlympiaLove · 07/04/2023 20:19

Never really before they were 1. except for my fourth baby- I went back to work when she was only 9 months so needed to leave her with DH sooner. I’ve never seen the rush. About 2/3 for overnights but we only do those maybe once or twice per year. We have 5 kids.

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 07:28

My baby is 9 months and I’ve only ‘left her’ once a couple of weeks ago with my partner and son (16) while I went to Tesco, I was gone around an hour at most and had fed and changed her before I left so they just played together.

I’ve had no desire or need to leave her with anyone, not even my partner really.
That one time was really because it was raining hard and we knew I’d only be such a short time.

My family did try to pressure me to leave her with them for a while, my Dsis even booked a Christmas drinking night out for me to attend with her without asking me first which I did not attend, BF and did not want to be out and having to pump or want to leave my baby then only 5 months).
After me saying many times that I have no need or desire to leave her until I have to to return to work they gave up and stopped trying to push me to.

So I’d say just stick to whatever feels right to you.
It’s different for everyone but definitely shouldn’t be pressured in to leaving babies at any age.

Also you said about some control from the MIL in the past leading to the NC so I’d be quite firm with her so she knows early on in your child’s life that she can’t dictate or push you into anything to do with your child.

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 07:36

EJRB · 07/04/2023 10:48

God I hate how some people assume everyone struggles at motherhood and wants time out. I also hate how some people, usually in laws, assume it’s their right to have the child alone. Why? You just happen to be my partners parent that doesn’t mean you have to right to take my child ‘off me’

my little one is a year and a half. The most I’ve spent away from him is 3 hours and that was on two occasions. I just have no desire to be away from him, I’m happiest when we’re together and I thrive at motherhood. Don’t get me wrong I get why others may need a break and there’s nothing wrong with that, we are all different.

soenf time to yourself when you want to OP

Absolutely this!
Really dislike being told ‘you must need a break’ too.
It implies to me that I’m in some way not coping or not happy when neither are true.

Greeneyegirl · 08/04/2023 07:48

Gosh, a week old when I went and got my hair done for the afternoon and DH had her. Date night with DH at 6 weeks and MIL baby sat. My mum baby sat for day last week at 8 weeks whilst me and DH went out with friends. I'm not particularly bothered about leaving her at all

Greeneyegirl · 08/04/2023 07:51

And I find motherhood fairly easy FYI. She sleeps and is quite easy. I think it's the responsible thing to leave her with people regularly and early on

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 09:33

Greeneyegirl · 08/04/2023 07:51

And I find motherhood fairly easy FYI. She sleeps and is quite easy. I think it's the responsible thing to leave her with people regularly and early on

If it's the 'responsible' thing is it irresponsible not to leave a newborn then??

GodspeedJune · 08/04/2023 10:01

DD is 5 months and I have no desire to leave her with anyone else. My Mum has sat with her for 30-45 mins while I’ve had doctor appointments twice, but I don’t like being apart from her. Such young babies don’t need or want to be apart from their mother.

Okunevo · 08/04/2023 10:10

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 09:33

If it's the 'responsible' thing is it irresponsible not to leave a newborn then??

Show quote history

This. 'Responsible' is a very odd thing to say. Most breastfed newborns will be feeding every two hours so it would be difficult to leave them for more than an hour.

RiceKrispiesSnap · 08/04/2023 10:12

We had a non sleeper and I really struggled. I have no experience having a baby who let you get enough sleep. So if I offered to help out by looking after the baby for you it would be out of kindness and a reflection of what I experienced not a doubting of how well you’re doing. Do you think maybe your MIL could’ve had a difficult time and want to help out more because of that? I know my mum, who had children when she was 10 years younger than I was, felt isolated when my older brother arrived. When my children arrived she wanted to help me so I could still go out with friends - I had absolutely no urge to though 😆 Offering to help isn’t about doubting how good a job you are doing or how well you’re coping, it’s a reflection of what they went through.

Original poster

OhBanana · 08/04/2023 11:23

RiceKrispiesSnap · 08/04/2023 10:12

Usually I would agree but I know that hers both slept through the night at 8 weeks as she likes to remind me often ha! I think it’s more a reflection of what was normal for her - she left them with family early (and that’s fine too if you’re comfortable with it!) and also had nanny’s for them fairly early too so I think it’s her assuming that I must want to do things the same way/need a break because she wanted/needed breaks. (She phrases it like that specifically so there is an assumption that I must need a break) - she didn’t mention it again when we saw her yesterday so I think the message has been made clear now!

Anyway, still glad to see a mixed bag of responses that mostly err on the side of how I feel which is that it will happen but later!! It’s been really eye opening/reassuring to read the experiences of others!

OP posts:

RiceKrispiesSnap · 08/04/2023 11:59

Thanks for considering my idea. It does sound like a different situation. After all I said, once we were past the stage where I would go to my mum’s to catch up on sleep a few times a week, I didn’t really leave my son until he was 8 months.

EssexMamisoa · 09/04/2023 19:27

my baby is 5 months and I’ve been leavinv her with DH for max 1-1.5 hour so I can exercise or have a shower in peace. To be honest normally we time it so he can take her for a walk while she naps so dd won’t even notice.

Other than that I don’t see myself leaving her with anyone else or with DH for any longer for a good while. Her little face when someone else picks her up always looks for me straight away and I’d feel so anxious and mean being out for a while without her knowing she may be looking for me. FYI she is a high needs velcro baby and ebf

everyone and every baby is different so do what’s right for you. Don’t feel pressured.

cptartapp · 09/04/2023 19:49

At four months when in desperation for a break, I put him (and then DC2 when they came along) in nursery pt and went back to work.
No family were really interested in taking them off our hands for a bit. No walking out with the pram to give us an hour. No afternoon at granny's. A sleepover would have been out of the question. I would have killed for it.

Bullzeye · 09/04/2023 20:27

I have severe separation anxiety!! Baby is 4.5 months and I am offered the help left right and centre but I just can't do it. I feel like a control freak. I think because he's breastfed and not keen on the bottle I feel like it's not worth it. My mum looked after him whilst I went to the dentist and that was bad enough lol.

Greeneyegirl · 10/04/2023 13:23

@Mumma212 sorry, just seen this. The reason I say responsible thing is to leave babies with others early and often is because what if you had to go into hospital and baby NEEDED to be left with someone. When I was 3 and sibling 1.5 my mum had to go into hospital totally unexpectedly for 6 weeks. My dad was great but he also worked full time and visited my mum as much as possible so we spent a lot of time at grandparents overnight, picking us up from playgroup, during the day etc. I have vague memories of visiting my mum in hospital but cannot pin point the times I spent left with grandparents when mum was ill with the many other fun times I spent in their home. It was a total non event for us. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if we had never spent time away from our mum.

Probably different for breastfeeding babies as you could take them in to hospital with you maybe? But I do think as soon as possible they should feel safe and looked after with people other than their mum .

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