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Original poster

GP favouring nephew over our kids to the point of exclusion

94 replies

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 19:27

Hi all. This is really, well beyond painful to think about and really hard to post, but the situation really has become untenable and I just need a bit of perspective before I either explode or give up trying completely.

DB has a son. I have 2 children. DB split up with his partner and now lives with my parents. My nephew is the eldest of the 3 grandchildren - lives with his mum, stays there at weekends.

When I was pregnant with DS I moved closer tomy parents, not so that I could dump him on them, but so they could have a relationship. My dad has mobility issues, and is kind and takes an interest, but somewhat withdrawn and likes to do his own thing. My mum was really good and we met up weekly and took DS out for lunch, etc.

They downsized properties and found themselves priced out of the area, so to make their money go further moved to the next county. Despite promising to visit, they have only done so a handful of times in 2 years and it's incredibly hurtful in itself, without layer after layer of crap on top.

My brother moved in with them and now this seems like a permanent arrangement. My children have never stayed at their house, but I now see that his son has his own bedroom now, staying most weekends. Which means that at Christmas, we're not invited to stay. They won't stay at ours either.

My brother has found a new hobby, which my nephew loves. He's bought my mum a season ticket and she loves it too. So that's basically wiped out every Sunday for seeing my kids, but thats the only day my partner has off so we can go there together.

I've tried taking the kids down on Saturday on my own, just so they can try and have a relationship with their GP, but quite honestly, it's gotten beyond uncomfortable. They act very differently when my partner isn't there. There's a bit of an Oedipus vibe where my mum teats my brother like man of the house and they treat my dad like a child. It's been going on for years.

Last weekend, when I arrived, my mum ran over to my brother whispering to him. To me this is really off behaviour, but I'm seriously beginning to question my own sanity. They were all watching tv and didn't even bother to turn it down. I felt painfully unwelcome.

Meanwhile my kids are playing in their nephew's room at their grandparents house, with the huge tv and loads of toys my brother has installed. It feels like his feet are so far under the table, we don't even get a look in now. Meanwhile all my mum talks about is all the events she goes to with my nephew. My children have never been invited to stay.

I have mentioned this to her before, and she said I was being silly (of course), but it's just really going down the shitter now to the point where I have to pull the plug on it for the sake of my sanity. I've been crying for days. I know I need to get a grip, but I can't work and the anger and sadness is just excruciating. It's not so much their rejection of me, but my kids - it's just so painful.

This probably doesn't even make sense. I'm just in such a mess I can't think straight. But is all this really fucked up, or am I?

OP posts:

Chowtime · 21/03/2023 19:30

You know what - fuck em!

Your kids have got you - they don't need anyone else.

Take a step back and start connecting with other people - your parents won't change.

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 19:30

*Treats not teats (talk about a Freudian slip).

OP posts:

BrieAndChilli · 21/03/2023 19:35

Why don’t you go down on a Sunday to visit your dad? If the others are busy at a hobby crest your own thing with your dad and your kids? Is there something your dad likes to do that you can all do together?

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Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 19:39

I'll be honest, he'll make the effort and send a birthday card or a message every once in a while, make a bit of chit chat, but he seems more interested in the tv really when we go there. I just think I need to accept the inevitable and there actually isn't much of a relationship to try and salvage.

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 21/03/2023 19:49

Your children have their parents living together as a family and your brother is seeing his son at weekends only. I am not surprised they are making an extra effort to welcome him there as if they don't they potentially lose this grandchild. It is upsetting when people don't do what you think they should but it feels like you are making this more of a drama than needed.

LockEmUp · 21/03/2023 19:52

What would happen if you take a step back? Don't contact them, wait until they contact you. Would they?

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 19:55

Judging by past experience, my mum would contact me after a few weeks. But the conversation is 90% what she's been doing with my nephew and it just gets my goat.

And she'll actually tell me she's been to the town where I live, had a nice meal and gone home again, but they just don't seem to want to come and see us.

OP posts:

Xrays · 21/03/2023 19:58

Could you get involved with the hobby on the Sunday and all go?

I do understand it’s hurtful though. This is part of the reason we ended up cutting all contact with dhs side of the family. Haven’t heard from them in 5 years now!

MrsToadflax · 21/03/2023 20:02

Do you have a good relationship with your partner's parents? Can your children get their 'grandparent fix' from them? I think it is awful favouring one set of GC over another. It's understandable they make an extra effort for your nephew due to circumstances, but to do that at the expense of your relationship is not acceptable. I would have a serious conversation (not allowing any talk of being silly) when your DB isn't around. If they can't acknowledge your feelings and make changes, I'd walk away. Life's too short.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 21/03/2023 20:02

Compensating seems to mean the children of divorce/separation get pushed up the queue for GP’s attention sometimes. It’s as if your children need less fuss because they should feel lucky to have a family with two parents together instead.

I understand where it comes from, but it doesn’t feel great for the ones that get pushed out.

QueenofLouisiana · 21/03/2023 20:03

We have a very similar vibe with DH’s parents. Recently rang with news about DS’s university offer (a big deal for DS who is neurodiverse), after 2 minutes it was all about BIL and his kids.

Last saw them in December. The pub lunch I paid for was dominated by tales of the same children. Asked DH about his job (recent promotion) once, I wasn’t asked about my job/ life/ existence at all.

I’ve given up. I send occasional texts to remind them that DH and DS are still alive.

JussathoB · 21/03/2023 20:03

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 19:55

Judging by past experience, my mum would contact me after a few weeks. But the conversation is 90% what she's been doing with my nephew and it just gets my goat.

And she'll actually tell me she's been to the town where I live, had a nice meal and gone home again, but they just don't seem to want to come and see us.

Try and make an arrangement for them to come and see you. Don’t be too ambitious, start small.
I do sympathise OP and see that you are hurt and confused. However I think you need to get a grip and recognise the situation is what it is. Instead of beating yourself up over it, concentrate on making the best of what you’ve got.
you seem upset by the focus on the TV for example. They possibly watch TV all the time when you are not there as well!!
So the relationship with gps is not what you hoped. So your DB is getting more support than you. Maybe he needs it?
Just do your best. Try and get some connections between your DCS and their gps but don’t exhaust yourself over it. Lower your expectations, people aren’t perfect sadly. You can provide for your family, and even with an imperfect relationship with gps this is still more than some people have.

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 20:05

I feel bad for my kids because their other GM lives overseas and other GD is dead, so to cut contact completely feels like I'm robbing them of GPs. And I don't want to cause pain to my parents, but it doesn't feel like favouritism anymore. It feels like a complete monopoly. I think they're going to start picking up on it soon too.

I feel very reluctant going back myself as it just didn't feel right. Maybe DP can take the kids down every once in a while but I honestly don't think I can stomach it again.

OP posts:

Brunilde · 21/03/2023 20:10

You sound a little annoyed that your brother is living there. But as he is it seems right they have set up a room for him. Your kids don't need that there and don't need to sleep over. He's not got a room there as their grandchild he has a room at his dads house.

And because of this they will inevitably spend more time with him. Fair enough is they aren't showing an interest in your children when they go, but your wording seems to focus on the living arrangements so maybe take that out of the equation and see if the rest still seems unfair?

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 20:13

Yes, totally unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 20:18

To put that in context, not coming to DS's birthday party or school events but always there for nephew. Regularly going out for meals together, but never inviting us, even coming to the town we live in for a meal, then telling us about it afterwards. It feels so tactless it's international.

OP posts:

DeathMetalMum · 21/03/2023 20:21

I understand this a lot. We have a very similar situation with dp's dad and step-mum they dote on dp's half brother and wife and their children and the other two sets of grandchildren are all but ignored. I can understand dps step mum to an extent as they are not her biological grandchildren but it upsets me how passive FIL is in regards to it.

We live four/five hours drive away (as do dp's step brother and family, who also want nothing to do with us) and they will come up and visit them and not even let us know they are here. We generally see them once or twice a year for a few hours.

My dmum passed away a few years ago and dp is NC with his mum. So my children only have my dad as a grandparent, who is not in the best health.

While it upsets me a lot, dc do have very good relationships with dp's brother and sil and my brother and I'm thankful they have other family and we focus on those relationships.

Chowtime · 21/03/2023 20:22

"It feels so tactless it's international." - do you mean "intentional". I was beginning to wonder that myself. Almost as if they are rubbing it in.

Original poster

Ladybyrd · 21/03/2023 20:25

Hahaha.. yes intentional. Well at least that made me laugh! Bloody predictive text!

OP posts:

Thepossibility · 21/03/2023 20:26

I feel you OP my brother and my niece live with my mum these days and it has totally changed the relationship she has with my kids.
They used to live far away so my mum used to visit, have days out, get involved in special occasions.
Now all her grandparent needs are filled my the child living with her and she has no need for my kids anymore.
It doesn't help that my SIL has had her children since then so PIL have turned their focus to those children and my kids barely know their grandparents anymore.
Ah well we just try to be the best family we can be.

bellac11 · 21/03/2023 20:34

I would allow yourself to grieve, to feel the loss of what you feel you should hve and what you feel your children should have had from them

Then start to reframe and emotionally move away from them, reframe that your kids have you, each other, that relationship which is strong and positive. Think about what they do have rather than what they dont

Ass others have said, it will have to be that you disconnect from them to some degree, to save yourself the emotional rejection at least.

JimJammies · 21/03/2023 20:34

Step back, spend your time, energy and money doing things for you and your family.

Brefugee · 21/03/2023 20:40

It's hurtful. So i don't get why you shy away from hurting them back?
You can do several things:

let it carry on as it is and be disgruntled
whenever your mum mentions she's been to your town "why didn't you visit us?" "why didn't you let us know?" "can't you be bothered to see us?" "don't you want to see us?" "why don't you want to see us?" - why do you care if it upsets her?
Whenever you talk to your mum and she's all about her and nephew "it's boring to me" "i don't care what you do with him" "you've talked about my brother's child for 15 minutes solid, have you forgotten i have children?"

There really is no reason to be coy at this stage.

Phineyj · 21/03/2023 20:50

My family are a bit like this - not as bad (they probably would be if they lived together!), but I know how you feel, I think. In the end I told my mum directly to stop sending pictures and updates of fun things they've done together and not invited me to. I mean wtf, who does that?!

I have also focused much more on the friends and relations who do enjoy my/our company and who are really interested in my DC.

I actually get on OK with my parents and sister now but it took stepping right away and hardening my heart a bit.

Theunamedcat · 21/03/2023 20:54

Everytime she starts going on about the nephew give her a minute to be polite then remove yourself from the conversation got to go nice to speak to you bye

When she says she has been to your town and not visited "that's nice" change the subject

Basically distance yourself dramatically

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