GP favouring nephew over our kids to the point of exclusion

[Ladybyrd]

Hi all. This is really, well beyond painful to think about and really hard to post, but the situation really has become untenable and I just need a bit of perspective before I either explode or give up trying completely.

DB has a son. I have 2 children. DB split up with his partner and now lives with my parents. My nephew is the eldest of the 3 grandchildren - lives with his mum, stays there at weekends.

When I was pregnant with DS I moved closer tomy parents, not so that I could dump him on them, but so they could have a relationship. My dad has mobility issues, and is kind and takes an interest, but somewhat withdrawn and likes to do his own thing. My mum was really good and we met up weekly and took DS out for lunch, etc.

They downsized properties and found themselves priced out of the area, so to make their money go further moved to the next county. Despite promising to visit, they have only done so a handful of times in 2 years and it's incredibly hurtful in itself, without layer after layer of crap on top.

My brother moved in with them and now this seems like a permanent arrangement. My children have never stayed at their house, but I now see that his son has his own bedroom now, staying most weekends. Which means that at Christmas, we're not invited to stay. They won't stay at ours either.

My brother has found a new hobby, which my nephew loves. He's bought my mum a season ticket and she loves it too. So that's basically wiped out every Sunday for seeing my kids, but thats the only day my partner has off so we can go there together.

I've tried taking the kids down on Saturday on my own, just so they can try and have a relationship with their GP, but quite honestly, it's gotten beyond uncomfortable. They act very differently when my partner isn't there. There's a bit of an Oedipus vibe where my mum teats my brother like man of the house and they treat my dad like a child. It's been going on for years.

Last weekend, when I arrived, my mum ran over to my brother whispering to him. To me this is really off behaviour, but I'm seriously beginning to question my own sanity. They were all watching tv and didn't even bother to turn it down. I felt painfully unwelcome.

Meanwhile my kids are playing in their nephew's room at their grandparents house, with the huge tv and loads of toys my brother has installed. It feels like his feet are so far under the table, we don't even get a look in now. Meanwhile all my mum talks about is all the events she goes to with my nephew. My children have never been invited to stay.

I have mentioned this to her before, and she said I was being silly (of course), but it's just really going down the shitter now to the point where I have to pull the plug on it for the sake of my sanity. I've been crying for days. I know I need to get a grip, but I can't work and the anger and sadness is just excruciating. It's not so much their rejection of me, but my kids - it's just so painful.

This probably doesn't even make sense. I'm just in such a mess I can't think straight. But is all this really fucked up, or am I?

Plus you won't get attacks for feeling the way you do . Feelings of hurt, pain and resentment and jealousy in this situation are very real and justified. People on the stately homes thread understand and will all be supportive x

Here is the thread

Thanks Coconut. I've found it 🙂

Just to clarify, I don't think my mum is vile. I love my nephew. I love my brother. I love my parents. But I don't think the division of love, time and attention is fair. And I was looking for constructive ways to negotiate that.

I'm a bit long in the tooth to fall for trolling. And yes, that means I'm old, before they start up again 🤪 xx

Sorry I didn't mean to say your mum is vile I didn't mean to upset you. I meant her behaviour is vile. Of course you love them they are your family I wouldn't question that? It's very complicated and I think unless you've had a problematic mother,folk don't get it.

@Coconut80 Oh no - absolutely. I know you weren't saying that, but there seem to be a couple of posters who've latched on who apparently enjoy twisting words beyond recognition. That was not directed at you.

Family relationships can be so complicated. I'm not about to take a sledgehammer to a butterfly, but this thread was really about just trying to find the right route. I appreciate all the inputs, it's helped me find a bit of balance.

Good glad I didn't upset you. Very few truly get a dysfunctional family set up

Oh, if you look back at the evolving family dynamics over the years, I think this would rank as the Gilded Age. It has always been really complicated. I was absolutely expecting too much, looking back. In fact, I'm surprised it's as good as this.

See you on Stately Homes, @Coconut80

Hello OP,

My parents are completely disengaged from their grandkids (they don't even favour my nephews, they just ignore all grandkids equally).

I have taken several huge steps back and now I don't contact them at all (although I reply if they contact me). My mother last messaged me in january (and that wasn't a long conversation).

They don't even remember the kids' birthdays, let alone send a card.

I'd suggest doing this as at least you won't have to look at them blatantly favour your nephew. Do your own things at week-ends and forget about them.

If they try and call you, keep back and don't engage too much until they demonstrate real interest and good faith.

That is the thing with these posts that makes me stop. They do make a big point about marking birthdays and holidays. They do seem interested in the kids when I talk to them. And they are affectionate with them. I just wish they were around a bit more. My MIL lives overseas, and she's spent more time in our house. I think I need to accept that it just is what it is.

It seems your DP have a lot going on tbh. They don’t sound like “evil, uninterested” GP’s.
Their DS has moved in. They didn’t orchestrate that to piss you off. They have their eldest GC around every weekend - again not their fault. Your DF isn’t very well. Your DM in your own words, is “knocking on a bit”.

You turn up with your DC every week to add to the chaos.

Allow your elderly DP time to decide when they would be able to enjoy time spent with you and your DC. Maybe every week is too much for them?

Contact arrangements work best when they work for both parties. Maybe once a month, or every other weekend, or a few hours during the week would work better for you all? Give your DP space to decide what would work better for them and come to a compromise. You’re all adults.

Sounds unfair and upsetting. I has similar situation with MIL and FIL . We had recently moved nearer to them , no friends or family in that area. DS 3 was in hospital , emergency unplanned admission, and I asked if they could look after my DD age 5 at a weekend when they weren’t working. They said no they were looking after my SILs DD so she could have a day out. I never forgot it and when they were older , frail and needed help , of course they came to us for support. They didn’t expect any help from my SIL who’s DD they had taken on holiday etc and was clearly the favourite. I stepped back and didn’t do as much for them as I could. Must be worse as it’s your DM not MIL.

Give them a bit of space and invite them to yours each time you talk.

I think that you should make your family circle tight and just accept them for what they are. Ease back off them and let them be the ones to make a move. If they do, you know they care and maybe just aren't good with showing it. If they don't, it's also all that needs to be said.

That is a great idea! I bet there would be enough in there after some time to go on a lovely holiday.

That would be such a nice memory-making experience for the family.

...

How are things now?
I would absolutely step back if my family did this.

My guess is the OP's parents will be the same way. They will feel the OP "owes" them whatever time and attention they need when/if they get to that stage. It won't matter if it takes OP away from her own children and DP. They will just expect it. They will not expect help from DS because he will have the "man" excuse, he's busy, he has his DS to support, etc.

Hopefully, OP will be like you and stay back at least a little. If she doesn't, it will wear her down and for what? She'll do the work, her DB will stop by with a loaf of bread and the parent's will gush over how their DS is providing them food and support and oh, yeah, DD stops by. 🙄

@Ladybyrd
I want to ask a question and please don't take it the wrong way.

If your DB was with someone and they split, didn't they sell the joint home so each could either buy or rent someplace?

I don't really understand why your DB moved in with your parents. I mean, I have my suspicions, but I don't always have the best expectations of people, so I don't want to assume.

I am probably your parents age, I didn’t have much contact with my GPs growing up and my DCs , due to huge distances didn’t have much contact with their GPS. If they did it was caring though. But my DCs seem not to have been bothered at all.
I can see it’s very hurtful how your DM behaves but I honestly don’t think your DCs will care if they don’t have a close relationship. They won’t miss what they never had.
The dymaic between your DB and DM is weird, and your nephew probably gets too much attention than is good for him, possibly DM is turning him into your DB.
Also DB might get a girlfriend at some point, Dnephew might get dropped from the team, dM or DF have health problems. Who knows.

Just step back from DM, make good times yourself for your DCs. That is what they will remember.