GP favouring nephew over our kids to the point of exclusion

[Ladybyrd]

Hi all. This is really, well beyond painful to think about and really hard to post, but the situation really has become untenable and I just need a bit of perspective before I either explode or give up trying completely.

DB has a son. I have 2 children. DB split up with his partner and now lives with my parents. My nephew is the eldest of the 3 grandchildren - lives with his mum, stays there at weekends.

When I was pregnant with DS I moved closer tomy parents, not so that I could dump him on them, but so they could have a relationship. My dad has mobility issues, and is kind and takes an interest, but somewhat withdrawn and likes to do his own thing. My mum was really good and we met up weekly and took DS out for lunch, etc.

They downsized properties and found themselves priced out of the area, so to make their money go further moved to the next county. Despite promising to visit, they have only done so a handful of times in 2 years and it's incredibly hurtful in itself, without layer after layer of crap on top.

My brother moved in with them and now this seems like a permanent arrangement. My children have never stayed at their house, but I now see that his son has his own bedroom now, staying most weekends. Which means that at Christmas, we're not invited to stay. They won't stay at ours either.

My brother has found a new hobby, which my nephew loves. He's bought my mum a season ticket and she loves it too. So that's basically wiped out every Sunday for seeing my kids, but thats the only day my partner has off so we can go there together.

I've tried taking the kids down on Saturday on my own, just so they can try and have a relationship with their GP, but quite honestly, it's gotten beyond uncomfortable. They act very differently when my partner isn't there. There's a bit of an Oedipus vibe where my mum teats my brother like man of the house and they treat my dad like a child. It's been going on for years.

Last weekend, when I arrived, my mum ran over to my brother whispering to him. To me this is really off behaviour, but I'm seriously beginning to question my own sanity. They were all watching tv and didn't even bother to turn it down. I felt painfully unwelcome.

Meanwhile my kids are playing in their nephew's room at their grandparents house, with the huge tv and loads of toys my brother has installed. It feels like his feet are so far under the table, we don't even get a look in now. Meanwhile all my mum talks about is all the events she goes to with my nephew. My children have never been invited to stay.

I have mentioned this to her before, and she said I was being silly (of course), but it's just really going down the shitter now to the point where I have to pull the plug on it for the sake of my sanity. I've been crying for days. I know I need to get a grip, but I can't work and the anger and sadness is just excruciating. It's not so much their rejection of me, but my kids - it's just so painful.

This probably doesn't even make sense. I'm just in such a mess I can't think straight. But is all this really fucked up, or am I?

OP, put in what you get out. You are doing all the running here, just drop the rope and see what happens, if you get challenged on it, just claim that you've been so busy lately. Keep conversations short if they are just an opportunity for your mum to witter on about brother and nephew. If your mum wants to make an effort, your door is open.

This situation sucks, but the best thing you can do for our kids is not maintain a rotten connection with disengaged GPs- the right thing to do is to nourish situations and relationships you where all parties contribute and treat each other respectfully. The energy you are spending on the GPs could be spent on friendships with people from work, old friends, on hobby groups, school friends etc and you will all likely get more from it.

@Cornishclio This is something I really struggle with. I see people having favourites and I genuinely cant comprehend it. I mean, if one of your children is an absolute arsehole to you... I suppose I was a very angry teenager - maybe that's why. But my two are so different - I could never choose one over the other. Some people are so blatant about it though, and from such an early age. I can't understand it.

I can see this from all angles as it happened a bit in our family. When we all had small children I lived near my parents. I had 3 pre schoolers and DH parents had nothing to do with us. I didn't a lot of time with my parents, just trying to stay sane with 3 babies and my sister in law's used to connect that it was not fair and once when I drive up whilst they were there she basically told me it was her kids turn and I should leave. This was despite the fact that the cousins absolutely loved being together.
A few years later, one of my sister in law's decided she was going to divorce my brother. He was devastated and they had 4 young ones. My brother did 50/50 care but also working full time so mum and dad spent loads of time with him and the kids, collecting from school, coming then tea when he was not able to get home in time etc. Roll on a few years and my oldest brother died and my parents then have huge amounts of support to those nephews and my SIL.
One of the things I realised it's that when I saw them, they would witter on about all my other nephews and neices but according to my brother's, when they saw them, all they would hear about is my kids. That gave me a slightly different perspective. If your parents have always been toxic, that is different but if your relationship with them was okay, it may just be they are overcompensating for the divorce and this giving more time and attention to your nephew whose parents have split up. This dynamic may well change over the years as situations change.
I sometimes joke that the others get more sorry t than me but I still have my partner who had not died unexpected or divorced me, so I then remember that I am the lucky one.

You say your DC have never slept over at your DP’s. If they have your DB and DN living with them is there room for your DC’s to sleep over?

Given that your DP don’t make you and DC feel welcome when you visit and they make no effort to visit you I would stop visiting them tbh. See how long it takes for your DP to contact you and ask to see your DC. You should be able to gauge how important you and DC are to them if you stop being the one to always maintain contact. Back off and give them the opportunity to arrange to get together with you and your family.

I would step back a bit.

Totally different setup, but I've got a similar upset at the moment. I had children quite young, they are now mid teens and young adult ages. My brother had his first last year, so there's a huge age gap between my boys and my nephew.
My parents now have zero interest in me or my children. They are not as cute as the baby is (I agree, he's gorgeous!), the only time we see my parents now is when they ask us to have their dog because they need to go and visit my brother and nephew. So we get a quick hello in the morning and they stop for a cup of tea if we're lucky when they pick him up. We have a family WhatsApp group which effectively is all about gushing over pics of the baby (I join in, he's a lovely little baby), yet I'll say something about my children and radio silence.

So I've backed away a bit. There should be plenty of love and attention to go around, but it seems not. I just feel a bit sad my sons who have been doting grandsons for a long time and now seem to be a bit unneeded. I'll be honest though, my parents have always been a bit overbearing (a bit like they are now with always having to be with baby nephew) so it's a bit of a relief to hand that batten over to my brother, it just would be nice not to be totally ignored!

No, other spare room. I went to my friends wedding last year but children weren't invited, so I turned up alone while partner looked after the kids. They've hosted not just nephew but his step brother numerous times, but didn't offer - albeit I didn't ask either.

I think the only thing to be done is as you say - back off completely. If she does contact me I think I'll tell her how uncomfortable the whispering was and the whole monopoly of their time to the point where my kids don't get a look in, but I know it will be oh don't be silly, it's not like that. It is and it isn't going to change so I think it's time for me to step away.

Don't bother to say. They will say you imagine it. Just back off and leave them wondering - less hurtful to you and them. Start a pot and put your savings from petrol, big presents etc in there to treat yourself and children. Just send cards and little presents.

@JimJammies That's not a bad idea. Thank you.

Actually I’m in two minds, I think there is an element of sibling rivalry going on here with some envy and resentment heaped in.

i feel it’s totally right that the nephew should have his own bedroom when he comes to stay with his father at weekends,and I’m appalled you’d think otherwise , for the occasional driveanle trip for you. Of course he should have his own room. It’s his fathers home. Just like your kids have a room in your home.

it’s also clear you’re asking at short notice , but if you said let’s meet on x date, say in two or three weeks , it’s better, or pick a day you know rhey don’t do something else Ie a Saturday or the evening

in addition it’s natural to become closer to someone you live with.

now I don’t believe for one moment your mother isn’t behaving poorly , I suspect it’s thoughtlessness and she should try to have a more balanced approach, but I also think maybe you’re envious , some of your wording reveals it, which is making this more difficult, especially as you clearly dislike your brother. So I suspect that sibling rivalry has long long been in existence.

it’s up to you how you handle it, it’s clearly important to you, but you will need to accept that’s your brothers home and just like your kids, his child has a room in his home.

@Adeleskirts You make a lot of presumptions. You are right about sibling rivalry. I don't dislike my brother, but I do resent that he has monopolised my children's grandmother's time completely. But then she is happy about the situation so I what can I say?

Your assumption that I ask at the last minute is incorrect too. I try saying are you free on such and such - need to ask closer to the time. I understand you have a different view, but your post comes off as a personal attack on me and, as I say, a lot of presumptions in there.

And it's a 3 hour round trip with 2 small children. Can't feasibly do it after school.

And no shit I'm jealous, envious and resentful. Where did I say I wasn't?

Op you are obvs upset but you are also incredibly defensive. The previous poster didn’t say anything to warrant your response. This is just unresolved sibling rivalry. You wouldn’t have a problem if it was you and your children who were number one in your mum’s eyes. Your dad is an old man who doesn’t want to be bothered any more. You don’t seem to take in to account that your mum seems to be leaning on your brother a lot more as well. You live an hour and a half away. It’s not feasible for you and your children to be involved in everything. You do sound a bit like you are stamping your feet and noting every perceived slight. Your parents were priced out of the area. You don’t even have any sympathy for that.

@Eyerollcentral I suppose so. I have these rose tinted glasses, remembering the things my grandparents did with me when I was small, and I feel really aggrieved that my parents take no interest in visiting my children and doing any of that with them. Meanwhile, all my mum wants to talk about is all the great things they've been doing together.

I am being unrealistic. I need to accept the situation as it is and stop trying to improve their relationship with my kids. It isn't going to happen.

its really immature to cut contact because you live an hour and a half away from your parents and can’t be involved as much with them. There’s a middle ground but you seem determined to cut off your nose to spite your face, not sure what anyone can say to that to be honest. I note you don’t seem to try to have much of a relationship with apparently your only nephew and indeed seem to really resent his existence. You don’t sound that perfect yourself

@Eyerollcentral another personal attack.

It's not cutting off my nose to spite anything. It's that I felt incredibly uncomfortable the last time I went there and I'm not prepared to repeat the experience.

Do you usually whisper in a corner when someone walks in whose made a 3 hour round trip to see you? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you think that's normal behavior.

I haven’t attacked you. You are extremely sensitive and come across as spoilt. I don’t know you but do you think your behaviour is a contributing factor here at all? Do you make any effort with your nephew?

I'm not perfect. I'm spoiled. I don't love my nephew. This situation is all my own fault. I'm too sensitive, defensive blah blah blah.

Nope. All correct. No personal attacks there at all. I stand corrected.

Don’t be the first to contact them. When they contact you, just tell them you will meet if it’s convenient to you and your life.

if they make the adjustment, you have an improvement. If they don’t, what have you lost.

I would get off this thread now, because the vultures are gathering…

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Thank you. I think you're right. Could be worse. I could have posted in AIBU - there would have been carnage.

Thank you all for your input.

My family are the same sadly. After my kids birthday was ignored in the summer I made the decision that I was no longer going to pick up the phone and reach out - they do of course know where I am...I've not heard from them since. No phone calls, Xmas cards, nothing.
My sibling, the golden child and their kids (who also have a bedroom at Grandma's) can stick it.
Families suck sometimes

Blimey, this is escalating, you’re so furious and consumed by jealousy of your brother, and it’s twisted it’s way onto his son, your own nephew. A child hood rivalry visited on the next generation.

Feet under the table, his big tv, all his toys, got his own room there (In his dads home, like that’s unusual and your kids don’t have a room in their home).

excruciating, crying for days, I don’t love my own nephew, I can’t work, it’s so painful , I’m going to blow up, I’m going to explode

if someone disagrees with you, you immediately say it’s a personal attack,

I don’t know what the answer is. But I think you need help. Crying for days is very concerning.

Come on over to the stately homes thread. There are lots of us with difficult family dynamics and there is very useful posts to read and advice given. You won't get the only get one mum crap. You'll get people who understand having vile mums even when elderly, come over xx

@Coconut80 👍