GP favouring nephew over our kids to the point of exclusion

[Ladybyrd]

Hi all. This is really, well beyond painful to think about and really hard to post, but the situation really has become untenable and I just need a bit of perspective before I either explode or give up trying completely.

DB has a son. I have 2 children. DB split up with his partner and now lives with my parents. My nephew is the eldest of the 3 grandchildren - lives with his mum, stays there at weekends.

When I was pregnant with DS I moved closer tomy parents, not so that I could dump him on them, but so they could have a relationship. My dad has mobility issues, and is kind and takes an interest, but somewhat withdrawn and likes to do his own thing. My mum was really good and we met up weekly and took DS out for lunch, etc.

They downsized properties and found themselves priced out of the area, so to make their money go further moved to the next county. Despite promising to visit, they have only done so a handful of times in 2 years and it's incredibly hurtful in itself, without layer after layer of crap on top.

My brother moved in with them and now this seems like a permanent arrangement. My children have never stayed at their house, but I now see that his son has his own bedroom now, staying most weekends. Which means that at Christmas, we're not invited to stay. They won't stay at ours either.

My brother has found a new hobby, which my nephew loves. He's bought my mum a season ticket and she loves it too. So that's basically wiped out every Sunday for seeing my kids, but thats the only day my partner has off so we can go there together.

I've tried taking the kids down on Saturday on my own, just so they can try and have a relationship with their GP, but quite honestly, it's gotten beyond uncomfortable. They act very differently when my partner isn't there. There's a bit of an Oedipus vibe where my mum teats my brother like man of the house and they treat my dad like a child. It's been going on for years.

Last weekend, when I arrived, my mum ran over to my brother whispering to him. To me this is really off behaviour, but I'm seriously beginning to question my own sanity. They were all watching tv and didn't even bother to turn it down. I felt painfully unwelcome.

Meanwhile my kids are playing in their nephew's room at their grandparents house, with the huge tv and loads of toys my brother has installed. It feels like his feet are so far under the table, we don't even get a look in now. Meanwhile all my mum talks about is all the events she goes to with my nephew. My children have never been invited to stay.

I have mentioned this to her before, and she said I was being silly (of course), but it's just really going down the shitter now to the point where I have to pull the plug on it for the sake of my sanity. I've been crying for days. I know I need to get a grip, but I can't work and the anger and sadness is just excruciating. It's not so much their rejection of me, but my kids - it's just so painful.

This probably doesn't even make sense. I'm just in such a mess I can't think straight. But is all this really fucked up, or am I?

I'm going to be ripped apart for saying this but nobody can deny the signs are there - do you think your mum is seeing your brother as some kind of replacement husband? (Even though your DF is there) It's just the whole 'them joining together and mistreating your DF that rang alarm bells for me

Either way, this is sick & wrong. Perhaps send this thread to your Mum? Maybe this is the only way she'll see what she's doing to you?

Ultimately though she might never change ds nan didn't she didn't even recognise her own grandchild the past time she saw him she is that disinterested now his girlfriends daughter? She knows her they have sleepovers days out everything 🙄 I couldn't be arsed to put them through the whole drama of keeping in touch seemed like hard work when your the only one doing the work so I stopped she hasn't called for 9 years now

I suspect your relationship with your mum will never be what you would like it to be.
Has there always been an odd dynamic between you and your mum with her favouring your brother? If it has always been that way I wouldn’t even bother trying to change it.

Put effort elsewhere into relationships that actually bring value to your families and keep whatever basic level of contact with your mum that works for you.

Yes, it's always been pretty dysfunctional. My brother always in a power struggle with my dad, my mum backing my brother up, and me the black sheep and him the golden child. My dad really hasn't been well lately and I wouldn't like to stir anything up - I didn't think he would make it at one point. But whereas he seems to have accepted it the whole dynamic of the house feels weird and out of kilter, and I just don't feel comfortable being there now.

My mum is also knocking on. She does take an interest in the kids, but really the only focus she has is going out with my brother and nephew so that's all she talks about, and it winds me up! I am glad she has something fun to do with her time, but when it's to the exclusion of my kids it's very hurtful. She even questioned the date for my sons birthday as we invited the cousin and apparently there was a game on that day.

I think reading a lot of the opinions, agreeing and differing, on here had helped, so thank you all. I'm annoyed with myself for keep making a 3 hour trip to see someone when I think I was hoping for too much. I really can't stomach going down there. I won't call because I'm still a little blowy uppy right now. I'll wait until she calls and when she does explain that the whispering made me feel unwelcome and then just organise things for us to do that are more enjoyable for a while. Maybe invite them here later down the line but keep my expectations low. And yes, I am going to cut these conversations short where it's all about the nephew!

Thank you.

^^ this.

You need to practice some phrases like this in your head first. She is being really insensitive. You may not immediately get the reaction you want, but she’ll start thinking about it later.

We had a similar dynamic with in laws and we were the black sheep. Our kids began to pick up in everything revolving round the cousins and my DH pulled his parents up on it - complete denial from them.
It’s terribly hurtful and we started to ‘drop the rope’ not putting ourselves out and focusing on friends rather than family. Wishing you well.

I definitely do need to set some boundaries, but I also think I need to change my expectations and trying to force something that isn't there. I have two lovely kids and a great partner, so instead of being angry and bitter about this (and I have been, very), I need to focus my attentions on them. For a long time, I've tried to excuse it and pretend everything was fine, but DP is the most laidback person in the world. Even he says it isn't right. I think probably I just needed to process it.

Reading this thread opened up old wounds. I read and left and now I am back to tell you OP that this is the sort of thing my mother did. In fact she went even further than this in refusing to have anything to do with my children while at the same time telling my auntie that my sisters children were her 'best boys'.

I had a miserable childhood at the hands of this horrible woman. Oh she could do it to me but then to start on my children as well compounding the abuse was too much.
I cut her off. My children did not like Granny anyway. They knew from a very early age that Granny was horrible and I never said a word to them. They were right of course.
My siblings knew - of course they did - it was they who were favoured and their children too so I cut the lot of them off and felt it was the right thing to do for the sake of my mentality as much as anything else.
Interestingly, my nephews know about it and have told me they do not agree with the way my family behaved.
OP Your nephew will know. One day he will want to know his cousins and then it will be their choice and nothing to do with his father or his grandmother. Until then - cut them off and live your best life. You will feel so much better than you do now

It's a shame, because the kids are all clueless that there's anything wrong. But that can only go on for so long, surely. I can't bite my tongue anymore anyway - I'm fed up of pretending it's ok.

I totally understand you and get it having experienced much the same with my in-laws and my kids and their cousins. My kids are at uni now but I remember the pain when I realised the cousins had wardrobes full of clothes at the GP house, my kids were excluded from holidays with GP and other cousins. It's so so hurtful and damaging. Sadly 20 years down the line I can tell you your parents won't change,even if you point out the exclusion,want for a relationship and hurt, they won't change. They will pick your brother and his son over you and your kids repeatedly.
Stop pushing for a relationship and making the effort and you will see the truth. Your parents won't bother except a tokenistic biannual visit. Stop trying and it will stop hurting so much. Focus on your own lovely family,it really is their loss, they are missing out on you and your wonderful kids. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this it is just horrible xxx

Ps I may be out of line but your mum sounds horrible, whispering is deliberately excluding you and so childish she sounds nasty. And visiting your town and not visiting,she doesn't even try or make any effort. Definitely step back and see what happens x

"It's a shame, because the kids are all clueless that there's anything wrong. But that can only go on for so long, surely. I can't bite my tongue anymore anyway - I'm fed up of pretending it's ok."

The kids will all know there is a difference @Ladybyrd They might not give it the same headspace as you do because you are disturbed by it all but believe me they will know. If you can't go NC then try to accept it and remind yourselves that your children are the lucky ones here with good parents and a happy life

@Coconut80 That's actually been my worst fear, right there. Yet reading that I don't feel sad. I feel sort of free if anything, if that makes any sense. I don't wish anyone any ill will. Ok, I'm lying. I hope the team never wins another match.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas I don't know what's suddenly changed but I feel a total aversion for taking them there now and I'm someone who trusts their instincts. Not for the sake of spite. But it just doesn't feel right.

It's shit isn't it.. and I feel sorry for your dad.

bellac11

I would allow yourself to grieve, to feel the loss of what you feel you should hve and what you feel your children should have had from them

Then start to reframe and emotionally move away from them, reframe that your kids have you, each other, that relationship which is strong and positive. Think about what they do have rather than what they dont

Ass others have said, it will have to be that you disconnect from them to some degree, to save yourself the emotional rejection at least.

Such good advice. Yes distance yourself, for your children's sakes as much as your own. They will soon realise the inequality and understand why you are upset, so model leaving behind relationships that are damaging and unsupportive. They really don't need to feel like you do when they see your parents favouring your nephew.

I wouldn't bother to go near them and if you do I would leave your kids at home with your DP and go to see your Dad. They are welcome to visit you are leave it at that. It will be obvious to your kids in no time at all so protect them from the hurt you have received at your parents hands.
And don't get sucked in when your mum ages, your brother can continue to be golden balls. I watched my mother care for my grandmother for years and she left everything to my uncle. He's had his "half" in advance 30 years before. Pissed it up the wall but could still do no wrong.
My mother was so hurt when she passed away. It wasn't the money (there wasn't much of that) it was the total lack of acknowledgment

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas He seems pretty happy in his own world. I'm not going to cut either of them off, and will invite them to ours. My mum does always sound apologetic when I ask about Sundays, but it's invariably "I can cancel if you want?" which makes me feel like I'm stopping her doing what she really wants to do, and now it's virtually every Sunday for months. It's a bit of a nightmare taking the kids on my own, and they get on with DP. I'm not doing it as a punishment, but I just feel really strongly I don't want to go. I guess we'll just have to see xxx

It’s a crap situation OP, you have my sympathies. Your DM isn’t going to change. I’d go low contact also, to save your sanity. Don’t engage when she goes on about your brothers kids, stop making trips to see her. She sounds a bit toxic. I think it’s normal to grieve for the relationship that you want to have, and see others having with their families. But you also have to pick yourself up and remind yourself it’s her loss. My kids have a very minimal relationship with their Grandparents. But we have a great life, full of love and friends.

Same here. Dm has made her spare room into bedroom for my nephew. Me and my kids have to stay in hotel when we visit . Weekend routines don’t change whilst we are there either

That's it really @Spudina. I see people posting on Facebook about look after your parents, because one day they won't be there. But I think I've done all I can now. I'm not going to be nasty to them, but I am going to put my kids, my partner and myself first.

Sounds like a Toxic family dynamics with The Golden Child and The Scapegoat.

Very difficult, unfair and painful and it sounds like your DB is lapping it up.
Odd dynamics surrounding your DB and DF, do you think your DF is safe?

"I can cancel if you want?"

I would say “yes please, dcs would love to spend some time with their grandma- it’s overdue isn’t it?”.

Yes it's hurtful but you can't change how people behave generally so I would stop making an effort. Maybe arrange to do something with friends on a Sunday. As a GP myself I couldn't behave like that to any of my DC or DGC.

Yes, he's safe. It's just whereas he used to rule the roost, he's mellowed out completely. He doesn't seem unhappy in any way with the situation to be honest.