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Opinions on DS's teacher pls

84 replies

Doodadidooda · 18/03/2023 03:05

DS turned 7 last year and started a new class with a new teacher last year. Unfortunately it's not going so well, academically he is very strong but he is regularly getting into trouble because of his behaviour (he is energetic, headstrong, impulsive, sensitive, immature for his age). I got following message from his teacher today (slightly shortened) and would love your opinion on it as I don't know what to say to her:
"DS was sent out from class today for inappropriate behaviour. Two other children had behaved badly during recess and I was talking about it to the class and they were in the process of apologising to each other, when DS started laughing loudly. I asked him to go out into the corridor but he refused to obey. I insisted because I thought his behaviour was ugly and unacceptable. After waiting a long time he finally went. He was repeatedly trying to explain why he shouldn't be sent out. In the corridor he was screaming and jumping around but stayed a short while with the door open".
When DS came home he said the teacher was talking about the two boys fighting and one gave the other boy the "bad finger" and that's when DS started laughing. When the teacher told him to get out he had tried to explain to the teacher that he would be able to be quiet, but because he's terrified of being sent out I'm guessing that at this point he was so upset he couldn't express himself. In the beginning the teacher started sending him out as a punishment but for whatever reason it must terrify him so he started having meltdowns, so she stopped doing it. Instead we agreed she would inform me if he behaved badly and I would give him a consequence at home and she hasn't since 7/2. But now she suddenly starts doing it again based on him laughing, I don't know, too loudly? I feel she is not consistent and can she not try a different method as it was clearly not working? Also why did the two boys get the chance to explain and apologise but not DS who btw wasn't laughing maliciously although she might have thought so but didn't bother finding out? It's not the first time I've questioned her methods but have always supported her although it's been causing a lot of stress and tension with DS at home but now I just feel like giving up...

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 18/03/2023 11:05

Do parents nowadays really object to small punishments for their child's misbehaviour? I can't understand either the armchair diagnosis of SEN


JustAnotherManicNameChange · 18/03/2023 11:21

FatGirlSwim · 18/03/2023 10:49

JustAnotherManicNameChange do you have any suggestions re the alternative?

Removing them from the situation seemed like a good idea to me but accept that I may be wrong!

To be honest it depends on the situation and the child.

If I had the time and opportunity I'd speak to that specific child why laughing was rude and inappropriate.

Or told them then and there this is inappropriate and to stop . Or a stern "there's nothing funny about this" and move on.

A stern telling off, missing some play/another activity. If it's that bad , call SLT or if there is staff available to remove them from classroom and have the necessary chats and actions.

If it's not a big issue , and it's not actually disruptive (in the actual sense of the word ,not what people perceive as disruptive) even ignore it and move on.

What I would never ever do , and I have seen teachers reprimanded for this ,is send a young /primary child (I don't have a lot of experience in secondary so can't comment on that) out of class unsupervised as a consequence,especially if distressed.


TheaBrandt · 18/03/2023 11:22

Opinion? Teacher sounds great - your parenting on the other hand….


thirdistheonewiththehairychest · 18/03/2023 11:24

Another one here who thinks the teacher sounds wonderful!


tunamayo81 · 18/03/2023 11:27

RogersOrganismicProcess · 18/03/2023 06:33

Ex-teacher here. It isn’t all about your son. She was dealing with another incident. She quite rightly prioritised the other children’s incident and managed this by removing your son as he was providing an inappropriate and rude distraction.

As a parent, you need to ask yourself:

a) why is my child behaving so inappropriately in the first place?

b) why my child, at the age of 7 , is not yet able to follow a simple two part instruction “Go outside, and wait,”? We’d expect to see understanding at this level in EYFS.

c)what can I, as his mother, do to address the situation, that actually takes responsibility, rather than minimising and deflecting the problem onto his new teacher. (You didn’t say why he had so recently needed to move).

You haven’t mentioned any SEN, so I am presuming this has not been considered. Please consider it. His behaviour is not age appropriate.

Also, ask yourself if you are consistent at home. Are you consistent with routine, expectations, consequences, time and affection? Are you calm, patient and understanding, yet firm with your boundaries, as your child learns about his world? Do you spend quality time with him, absorbing yourself into the things he enjoys to do?

Not all of the children we see who behave like your son have SEND, some are literally crying out for attention, and have learned a really effective way to get it, by acting out. Attachment issues and the trauma children feel because of them are rife, and (in my anecdotal opinion) getting worse.

Agree with this! My two year old knows what ‘go and outside and wait’ means, and can do it for a little bit.


Cantseethewindows · 18/03/2023 11:47

I am a teacher, albeit secondary.

It is incredibly annoying when pupils get involved when I'm disciplining pupils. It just adds to the disruption, because then I need to deal with the pupil who's decided to get involved as well. You can see how this can escalate rapidly.

The teacher needed him out of the classroom so she could deal with the existing dispute, before talking to your son. There is no reason to think she wouldn't have let him explain what happened when she got round to talking to him. However, it sounds like your son wanted to explain why he had laughed right that very second, instead of following the teacher's instructions and leaving the classroom quietly. So now not only has he got involved in other people's business, but when he is pulled up on this, he starts arguing and doesn't follow instructions, and the situation has escalated rapidly. Extremely disruptive. Do not minimise defiant behaviour, it's really problematic!

It's not clear from your post that it was anxiety causing his reaction. If it was, you need to make sure that he understands why he is being asked to stand outside. If he can't, you need to come up with alternatives together with the teacher. Maybe he could be asked to move to a different desk instead, until the teacher has spoken to him? Asking the teacher not to discipline him and saying you'll do it instead is, quite frankly, bonkers, sorry.

I am not an SEND specialist, but I have taught pupils who behaved similarly. Sometimes it's "just" rudeness/ bad behaviour (not knowing when to be quiet and follow instructions, rather than arguing). Other times it's ADHD. In fact, it really reminds me of a pupil I teach with ADHD. It's not just being hyper, there's much more to it. It might be worth exploring.

Good luck!


pimplebum · 18/03/2023 15:46

In the uk we do not sent children to the corridor alone and the teacher would be spoken to if we called a child's behaviour " ugly" I'm assuming there are cultural/ language differences here ???
There is definitely a strong need for your son to be assessed by an educational psychologist- it took me 6 years to get our EHCp here in London. If you have money get a private evaluation and start putting. Lots of support in his life


pimplebum · 18/03/2023 15:48

.... oh and in uk we are trained to "praise in public , punish in private," no one should get a public dressing down


Doodadidooda · 19/03/2023 20:34

Thank you so much for all the opinions and the helpful advice. I'll try to answer some of the questions in one place: he has been assessed, he has been to the child psychologist, physio, ergo and speech therapists a number of times for tests, none found anything wrong with him, based on their reports a psychiatrist ruled that no further tests were needed. We're not in the UK but BELIEVE me it was thoroughly done.
I just don't see anything wrong with him at home and no one else who knows him does. I've observed him in groups (football training, Sunday school) and playing with friends and while he can sometimes be difficult it seems age appropriate to me. Sometimes a little immature, which I've put down to him having grown up very isolated especially since 4 years ago when we moved here from abroad, he didn't speak the language, I'm a single mum he's an only child, and I knew no one so had no friends so no other kids to play with (my fault I know). Then covid started. And I can see him mature the whole time, I just think he needs a little bit more time.
He didn't move class, it's a new class starting for children his age here. The teacher on the other hand is new and has just moved to our sleepy town from a fancy suburb. And yes I asked the teacher if he could have "time in" in the classroom instead of time out in the corridor but she said no. She said a while back that she would be using a traffic lights aid to warn him (disruptive, the light goes to orange, then to red etc) but she stopped using it, I don't know why, somehow I thought he didn't need it any more. Btw the class has 15 children plus they have a full time classroom assistant for children receiving extra support (of which DS), so yes I think an adult should go with the child if a child has to leave the classroom, at that age anyway.
Also I did not insist on disciplining him at home, I offered and she said we could try. I also think it wasn't appropriate that she was disciplining the two other children in front of the class.
But I'm not a professional. I really thought it wasn't a big deal that DS laughed in class, as someone said a stern telling off would have been better in my opinion, but since many think it was so inappropriate I'll take it on board for sure. I think I'm only starting to realise how incredibly rigid and conformity based schools are. But we'll keep working on it. And now I know what to say to her! Thanks :-)

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