Opinions on DS's teacher pls

[Doodadidooda]

DS turned 7 last year and started a new class with a new teacher last year. Unfortunately it's not going so well, academically he is very strong but he is regularly getting into trouble because of his behaviour (he is energetic, headstrong, impulsive, sensitive, immature for his age). I got following message from his teacher today (slightly shortened) and would love your opinion on it as I don't know what to say to her:
"DS was sent out from class today for inappropriate behaviour. Two other children had behaved badly during recess and I was talking about it to the class and they were in the process of apologising to each other, when DS started laughing loudly. I asked him to go out into the corridor but he refused to obey. I insisted because I thought his behaviour was ugly and unacceptable. After waiting a long time he finally went. He was repeatedly trying to explain why he shouldn't be sent out. In the corridor he was screaming and jumping around but stayed a short while with the door open".
When DS came home he said the teacher was talking about the two boys fighting and one gave the other boy the "bad finger" and that's when DS started laughing. When the teacher told him to get out he had tried to explain to the teacher that he would be able to be quiet, but because he's terrified of being sent out I'm guessing that at this point he was so upset he couldn't express himself. In the beginning the teacher started sending him out as a punishment but for whatever reason it must terrify him so he started having meltdowns, so she stopped doing it. Instead we agreed she would inform me if he behaved badly and I would give him a consequence at home and she hasn't since 7/2. But now she suddenly starts doing it again based on him laughing, I don't know, too loudly? I feel she is not consistent and can she not try a different method as it was clearly not working? Also why did the two boys get the chance to explain and apologise but not DS who btw wasn't laughing maliciously although she might have thought so but didn't bother finding out? It's not the first time I've questioned her methods but have always supported her although it's been causing a lot of stress and tension with DS at home but now I just feel like giving up...

[snitzelvoncrumb]

can you arrange a meeting with the teacher? Come up with a new strategy. There will be times when your child won’t click with the teacher. Can you put in a request for someone else next year? If your son becomes nonverbal is he able to communicate in any other way. If he had something he could point to and indicate how he is feeling?
Your son and the teacher could negotiate a warning system where he gets the opportunity to stop a behaviour immediately, and only get sent out if he won’t stop?
Hopefully they are receptive to working together, rather than just butting heads with your son. He is only 7.

[gogohmm]

The actions of the teacher seemed entirely appropriate to me. She was dealing with another incident when he started laughing, asking him to wait outside whilst she finished dealing with the other two kids is seems highly practical. Your ds needs immediate consequences not you being informed later. The rest of the class needs the teachers time too

[MichelleScarn]

laughing, I don't know, too loudly?
Was it not just the laughing at all and getting involved with other children being told off? If another child was laughing at him being told off while he was being sent out would you be happy if the teacher did nothing?
Agree teacher sounds appropriate the whole episode with his arguing, laughing, jumping about sounds incredibly disruptive for the rest of the class.

[Haywirecity]

Instead we agreed she would inform me if he behaved badly and I would give him a consequence at home

How does that work in practical terms? He can do what he wants in school and she tries to stop him but if she can't, she leaves it and you discipline him? I don't see how she can run a class like that. What if all of them could do what they liked during class and got punished at home. The class would be chaotic. Surely she has to be able to separate children and give consequences at the time of the incident. If he doesn't like the consequence he needs, to be more careful of his behaviour.

[UsingChangeofName]

From what you say, my opinion is that the teacher responded calmly and well to a situation, and then took the time and trouble to let you know about it afterwards.
Does your ds have a diagnosis of anything ?
Clearly his behaviour was completely inappropriate when the poor teacher was already trying to deal with another situation.

I bet the teacher wishes she could just get on with teaching.

[RobinRobinMouse]

Consequences are only really effective if immediate. The teacher simply dealt with his poor, disruptive and rude behaviour at the time and informed you of it. I think you need to work with the school to encourage him to improve his behaviour and manage his emotions rather than telling them they must only go through you when he does something that isn't acceptable.

[MiamiMyAmy]

I don’t understand how the teacher not disciplining him and you doing it at home could possibly work. It makes me wonder how and why the teacher would ever agree to that.

He was being disruptive so she removed him. That’s completely appropriate. He may have been given time to explain his actions once she had dealt with the other 2 children, not insist the teacher stop what’s she’s doing and listen to him when she’s already busy. Stop minimising your sons behaviour, it won’t help longer term. You need to tell your son to respect his teacher. He’s not in charge.

I feel so sorry for teachers having to deal with kids misbehaving and then on top of that having parents minimise complain. They must feel so frustrated.

[MiamiMyAmy]

minimise AND complain.

[ittakes2]

I have adhd - I think he needs to be checked for adhd.

[thatsn0tmyname]

Ask the school for an SEN assessment.

[ScentOfAMemory]

The teacher sounds excellent.
Go and speak to her and find a way forward to manage your son's inappropriate behaviour. (yes, it's "normal" for a 7 year old to find certain things "funny", but behaving to the point he needs to be removed from the context, isn't.)

[BCBird]

You have mentioned the challenging behaviour your son sometimes displays. This cannot be accommodated in a classroom situation,unless there is a SEND reason for it. Actions have consequences. I can understand yiur son might feel the need to laugh if he sees such an outrageous gesture,but as I say actions have consequences. If he doesn't like being sent out then he needs to behave appropriately. Harsh I know. Also, I'm surprised 7 yolds use the 'bad finger'

[2reefsin30knots]

It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses for your DS who is behaving poorly at school.

Behaving inappropriately and then having a meltdown about being disciplined for it is outside of the norm. Either there are additional needs that need looking at or he needs much more structure and boundaries.

How do you manage him at home? Is he getting mixed messages?

[SBHon]

I think it sounds like she handled it well.

There’s a bigger issue though around your DS having meltdowns and his general behaviour and I can see you want to deal with those. Have you ever spoken to the SENCO?

[Scarydinosaurs]

Teach your child to do things the first time he is asked. The arguing delayed the teacher being able to return to the learning, and worsened the situation for himself.

Think of all those children waiting for their lesson to start, and having to wait for your son to stop squabbling.

At seven he should follow instructions first time he is asked.

Does he argue back with you? I don’t think you can justify why he laughed - it’s attention seeking and disruptive. In a classroom you can’t have kids acting like that or no learning would happen.

[SweetChilliGirl]

It sounds as though your child behaved appallingly. You should be thanking the teacher for letting you know how she handled it.

[RogersOrganismicProcess]

Ex-teacher here. It isn’t all about your son. She was dealing with another incident. She quite rightly prioritised the other children’s incident and managed this by removing your son as he was providing an inappropriate and rude distraction.

As a parent, you need to ask yourself:

a) why is my child behaving so inappropriately in the first place?

b) why my child, at the age of 7 , is not yet able to follow a simple two part instruction “Go outside, and wait,”? We’d expect to see understanding at this level in EYFS.

c)what can I, as his mother, do to address the situation, that actually takes responsibility, rather than minimising and deflecting the problem onto his new teacher. (You didn’t say why he had so recently needed to move).

You haven’t mentioned any SEN, so I am presuming this has not been considered. Please consider it. His behaviour is not age appropriate.

Also, ask yourself if you are consistent at home. Are you consistent with routine, expectations, consequences, time and affection? Are you calm, patient and understanding, yet firm with your boundaries, as your child learns about his world? Do you spend quality time with him, absorbing yourself into the things he enjoys to do?

Not all of the children we see who behave like your son have SEND, some are literally crying out for attention, and have learned a really effective way to get it, by acting out. Attachment issues and the trauma children feel because of them are rife, and (in my anecdotal opinion) getting worse.

[Whenwilliberich]

I’m going to come to your workplace and laugh in the corner at you or things you do and see if it’s distracting

[ReformedWaywardTeen]

I agree with you @Doodadidooda why is she allowing two pupils to explain and then apologise but not your DS? Also, is it really necessary for her to involve the whole class in a discussion on the conduct of the other two at break?

She sounds as if she struggles to control the class and clearly has an attitude problem with your DS. Is she quite a young teacher as it sounds like she hasn't quite got a grasp of fairness. You cannot run a classroom where so kids get to explain and others don't. It creates a two tier culture and could lead to bullying.

I would raise this with the headteacher. She clearly doesn't like your child. He's young, most kids would laugh about others giving the finger. In fact, doing that is worse than him reflex laughing.

[Talapia]

Your child was being disruptive and disrespectful.

Insert the worlds disruptive bad stubborn for your choice Iof energetic and headstrong.

So, about 25 other kids managed not to laugh at the words 'bad finger.'

Possibly the teacher could have dealt with this better by taking the other two just outside the classroom door, so the rest of the class weren't party to the event.

I'm so fed up of people minimising their kids poor choices and blaming teachers for their kids inappropriate behaviour.

Obviously, if you believe your kid has an additional needs you need to seek advice.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds like your ds can’t handle time out but needs time to adjust his behaviour. The teacher also needs to be able to address his behaviour immediately. It’s not fair on the rest of the class.

Is there any way the teacher could do ‘time in’ so to speak? Perhaps your ds sitting on the floor at the front of the class still facing the front or something to compose himself, maybe with a book to calm him or specific toy he only gets for that time.

These sort of books could be useful to you anyway to go through to express emotions. Some techniques for your ds to try. www.hellowonderful.co/post/mindfulness-books-for-kids/

I think you need to have a meeting with the teacher to discuss options and to give potential solutions as what you agreed isn’t working. And to ask for an assessment as your ds’s reaction to being sent out for a few minutes isn’t proportional.

Story cubes are brilliant as well for learning to express yourself and emotions. The idea is to get you get your ds to name feelings and emotions in a story. www.storycubes.com/en/ We were introduced these for dd by a child psychologist and told to play them every evening before bed.

[Talapia]

Disruptive and stubborn, not bad ! No child Iis bad.

[Zonder]

Instead we agreed she would inform me if he behaved badly and I would give him a consequence at home

This is ridiculous. I expect he had a meltdown because he expects to get away with things. He needs to learn that in school bad behavior has consequences.

[Fuctifin0]

Does he have SEN?

[Gunpowder]

Agree about checking for adhd