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Original poster

Opinions on DS's teacher pls

92 replies

Doodadidooda · 18/03/2023 03:05

DS turned 7 last year and started a new class with a new teacher last year. Unfortunately it's not going so well, academically he is very strong but he is regularly getting into trouble because of his behaviour (he is energetic, headstrong, impulsive, sensitive, immature for his age). I got following message from his teacher today (slightly shortened) and would love your opinion on it as I don't know what to say to her:
"DS was sent out from class today for inappropriate behaviour. Two other children had behaved badly during recess and I was talking about it to the class and they were in the process of apologising to each other, when DS started laughing loudly. I asked him to go out into the corridor but he refused to obey. I insisted because I thought his behaviour was ugly and unacceptable. After waiting a long time he finally went. He was repeatedly trying to explain why he shouldn't be sent out. In the corridor he was screaming and jumping around but stayed a short while with the door open".
When DS came home he said the teacher was talking about the two boys fighting and one gave the other boy the "bad finger" and that's when DS started laughing. When the teacher told him to get out he had tried to explain to the teacher that he would be able to be quiet, but because he's terrified of being sent out I'm guessing that at this point he was so upset he couldn't express himself. In the beginning the teacher started sending him out as a punishment but for whatever reason it must terrify him so he started having meltdowns, so she stopped doing it. Instead we agreed she would inform me if he behaved badly and I would give him a consequence at home and she hasn't since 7/2. But now she suddenly starts doing it again based on him laughing, I don't know, too loudly? I feel she is not consistent and can she not try a different method as it was clearly not working? Also why did the two boys get the chance to explain and apologise but not DS who btw wasn't laughing maliciously although she might have thought so but didn't bother finding out? It's not the first time I've questioned her methods but have always supported her although it's been causing a lot of stress and tension with DS at home but now I just feel like giving up...

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Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 18/03/2023 06:50

gogohmm · 18/03/2023 03:51

The actions of the teacher seemed entirely appropriate to me. She was dealing with another incident when he started laughing, asking him to wait outside whilst she finished dealing with the other two kids is seems highly practical. Your ds needs immediate consequences not you being informed later. The rest of the class needs the teachers time too

This

RunTowardsTheLight · 18/03/2023 06:57

OP, I know you're upset, but you must see that the teacher needs to be able to discipline your son if he misbehaves- not just let you deal with it outside school. Was she meant to let him just sit there laughing during a serious moment? What message does that send to the other kids?

lala1302 · 18/03/2023 06:58

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/03/2023 06:44

I agree with you @Doodadidooda why is she allowing two pupils to explain and then apologise but not your DS? Also, is it really necessary for her to involve the whole class in a discussion on the conduct of the other two at break?

She sounds as if she struggles to control the class and clearly has an attitude problem with your DS. Is she quite a young teacher as it sounds like she hasn't quite got a grasp of fairness. You cannot run a classroom where so kids get to explain and others don't. It creates a two tier culture and could lead to bullying.

I would raise this with the headteacher. She clearly doesn't like your child. He's young, most kids would laugh about others giving the finger. In fact, doing that is worse than him reflex laughing.

She's not involving the whole class, sounds likes she's having a quiet word with them at the front as she can't just leave 28 other kids in the room to have a chat with the two kids outside.

Asking a child who is being disrespectful to step outside is appropriate, and allows the teacher to finish the conversation she was having with the two pupils who had an incident at break that needed dealing with.

I'm not sure how you deduced that she couldn't control the class from that?! Her age also has nothing to do with it.

OP needs to allow the teacher to implement consequences for behaviour there and then; minimising your son's behaviour will not help him at all in the long run.

Let teachers do their jobs!!

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WandaWonder · 18/03/2023 07:00

Not this is the op doing it but this is thr 3rd post recently I have noticed where parents are trying to minimise their child's behaviour

Work on this first might be an idea

guildingthelily · 18/03/2023 07:02

What is interesting here is how you focus on what the teacher has done wrong. Not the child. As a parent, you should be asking yourself how you can help and support the teacher and child. You should be asking yourself how you have raised a child that struggles with respect, appropriate behaviour and self regulation. Please work with the teacher, not against. The issue lies with your child, not the teacher.

redbigbananafeet · 18/03/2023 07:09

Opinion on the teacher? My opinion is that she handled a situation where 3 boys in her class behave badly with calmness, control and following the schools behaviour policy. You say her method doesn't work but your suggestion is that your son can behave however he wants, actively fueling the bad behaviour of others and you'll give him a consequence at home (yeah right). My opinion of your son's teacher is she is doing a fantastic job and you should be thanking her.

WineWithAView · 18/03/2023 07:11

OP, how's your DS's behaviour at home? Does he display the same kinds of behaviors? If so, maybe think about getting him referred for an ADHD assessment. Everything you mention in your description of him is a typical ADHD trait. Emotional dysregulation and extreme sensitivity to being told off (rejected) are major parts of it that aren't so well known. He sounds just like my DS.

Do a bit of reading yourself to see if you think his behavior fits with ADHD, and if it does, talk to teacher/SENDCO.

Sounds like he needs support in school and you and teacher need to be on the same page for that.

Agree with others that consequences need to be immediate for children so teacher does need to deal with any behaviour issues in school. Completely ineffective for you to give him consequence at home.

Regardless of what's causing the behaviour, you and teacher need to work together to figure out best/most appropriate way of dealing with it/supporting child.

overmydeadbody · 18/03/2023 07:12

His behaviour is unacceptable and the teacher made the right choices. At his age he shouldn't be screaming and jumping in the corridor after being sent out. You need to teach your child how to behave.

That poor teacher.

QuackMooBaaOink · 18/03/2023 07:13

So the teacher is dealing with an incident, already taking time away from teaching the other children, and your son then disrupts the class even further and you're annoyed that he got a consequence?! Gees. This is everything that's wrong with the world today.

redbigbananafeet · 18/03/2023 07:18

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/03/2023 06:44

I agree with you @Doodadidooda why is she allowing two pupils to explain and then apologise but not your DS? Also, is it really necessary for her to involve the whole class in a discussion on the conduct of the other two at break?

She sounds as if she struggles to control the class and clearly has an attitude problem with your DS. Is she quite a young teacher as it sounds like she hasn't quite got a grasp of fairness. You cannot run a classroom where so kids get to explain and others don't. It creates a two tier culture and could lead to bullying.

I would raise this with the headteacher. She clearly doesn't like your child. He's young, most kids would laugh about others giving the finger. In fact, doing that is worse than him reflex laughing.

She can only deal with one situation at a time. Her child was removed from the situation and told to wait in the corridor until it was his turn to be dealt with, instead he went to the corridor and acted appallingly. Therefore his chance to 'explain' was overshadowed. Do you really think that a teacher has nothing better to do that sort out the behaviour of 3 badly behaved kids when theres another 25 that deserve an education. No most children wouldn't laugh when a child gives the middle finger while being told off by an adult. The other 25 children in the class didn't. So yes, its quite possible she doesn't like OPs son. And she doesn't have to. All she has to do is treat him fairly which she did, despite him being rude and disruptive - she's fantastic for managing to do that and deserves the mother's gratitude.

Pinkflipflop85 · 18/03/2023 07:25

BCBird · 18/03/2023 05:58

You have mentioned the challenging behaviour your son sometimes displays. This cannot be accommodated in a classroom situation,unless there is a SEND reason for it. Actions have consequences. I can understand yiur son might feel the need to laugh if he sees such an outrageous gesture,but as I say actions have consequences. If he doesn't like being sent out then he needs to behave appropriately. Harsh I know. Also, I'm surprised 7 yolds use the 'bad finger'

7 year olds can, and do, use much worse than the 'bad finger'. Especially when they're parented by YouTube at home and watch a barrage if unsuitable content.

CatOnTheChair · 18/03/2023 07:34

For a child with no additional needs, the teacher behaved entirely appropriately.
However, given the other information about his meltdowns on being sent out (unless he is big a soilt brat) the teacher and you need to work out a way to separate him from the rest of the class when required. Punishing at home isn't a suitable alternative. The teacher needs to be able to deal with things there and then.

Nailsandthesea · 18/03/2023 07:36

gogohmm · 18/03/2023 03:51

The actions of the teacher seemed entirely appropriate to me. She was dealing with another incident when he started laughing, asking him to wait outside whilst she finished dealing with the other two kids is seems highly practical. Your ds needs immediate consequences not you being informed later. The rest of the class needs the teachers time too

This. The behaviour of your child was not . You are minimising

PotKettel · 18/03/2023 07:37

OP you sound like a good mum with a fairly typical young boy.

I agree it’s is helpful to label the behaviour not the child, but it’s important to recognise that certain behaviours are unhelpful (eg laughing, commenting and disrupting when the teacher is handling another incident) and certain behaviours are unacceptable (eg having a meltdown when given a minor sanction).

OP I love martial arts for kids who need to learn self discipline.

Also sit your kid down and go through a list of likely behaviours and consequences both good and bad. Make him work out what the consequence might be for each bad or good behaviour on the list.

Make it really clear that time outside the classroom is “breathing space” as Teacher can only deal with one thing at a time. Then if he is kicking off outside the classroom he has turned “breathing space” into an incident which is unnecessary because the whole point is that the breathing space is his moment to learn to calm down and say “sorry Miss”. Just a quick thing, no drama. Once he has learned to do that, teacher will invite him back in the classroom.

Give him a list of things he can silently do in the breathing space outside the classroom to calm himself down so he can recenter. Practice this with him. For example - close his eyes and put his arms out and stand on one leg for as long as he can. Stretch his arms up to the ceiling and draw the biggest circle he can with his arms. Stretch his fingers and then form fists 20 times. Take a deep breath and hold it for a count of four then blow it out like he is blowing a candle as slowly as he can. He should repeat these as slow as he can, seeing if he can drag them out so he only has time to do a couple of cycles before teacher comes out to him, see if he can beat his own record each time. The slower he completes each the cycle the better he is doing.

As soon as the teacher comes out of the class to fetch him he has to instantly stop his routine, make eye contact with the teacher, say “sorry miss for being disruptive”. That’s all. He just learns this rote behaviour and practices. You can even practice on silly things at home - make a game of it and you join in. Do something very noisy and active in the living room eg play keeping a balloon in the air. If someone lets it fall on the floor, they have to go in the hall and do the calming routine until the other person comes to get them. Yyou’re trying to simulate being very excitable and then quickly learn to tamp it down using self control techniques.

Anither good game to play is musical statues - going from hyper to totally still is very tricky at this age. But it helps them learn to switch gear really fast when external conditions are imposed on them.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 18/03/2023 07:48

Are you in England OP , as the use of recess sounds American.

Did this happen in the classroom in front of all the children? Then he was sent out on the corridor alone? None of the schools I worked in or I have links to use this a behaviour management policy anymore. It is not effective, and it carries the risk of the child running off or hurting themselves while being unsupervised. Not to mention, that it becomes an incentive for the kids that want to be out of class to behave badly.

You say he's jumping and screaming when he is out, does that mean he is disrupting other classes as well?

I would first check the school's behaviour policy and see if being sent out of class alone is actually something they do.

Then I would have a meeting would the school(teacher and SENCO) and discuss how your son can be supported,what strategies can be put in place and most importantly start an assessment for SEN if needed.

While I understand that your son is disruptive, the way they are handling it at the moment is not helpful to anyone and it doesn't seem to work anyway.

Justalittlebitduckling · 18/03/2023 07:59

I feel sorry for the other children in the class, it sounds like no one is learning anything because the teacher is dealing with this kind of disruption the whole time.

Fancysauce · 18/03/2023 08:00

he is energetic, headstrong, impulsive, sensitive, immature for his age

I also have adhd and think your son needs an assessment.

timetorefresh · 18/03/2023 08:01

It sounds like he's behaving badly and you've now undermined the teachers ability to deal with it. Expect things to get worse

WonderingWanda · 18/03/2023 08:02

I am a teacher and I would and have disciplined children for trying to get involved when I am managing the behaviour of other students. It was none of his business and if he'd left the room when he was meant the other child wouldn't have been able to give him the finger.

What also jumped out of your post that others have commented on is that your child's behaviour is unusual. Being terrified of being sent out but behaving badly and refusing to follow instructions doesn't really add up. It it actually the case that he has learnt if he comes home and cries to you that it was scary and unfair you will complain to the teacher and get him off the hook? Or is it that there is some sort of neurodiveristy that you've not mentioned here so part of a bigger issue? You said he has meltdowns, have you sought any support about this?

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/03/2023 08:11

My son has adhd - never in a million years are the consequences at home because A- he needs immediate consequences
B- it wo make an already challenging home life worse
C- i might expect adjustments for my Ds but not that my Ds can't be told of , allowed to do what he wants,.

Children with Adhd need quick sharp consequences for their behaviour. Not the wait till you get home -

What on earth do you expect the teacher to do bearing in mind there is a class full of other students to manage ?

Mammyloveswine · 18/03/2023 08:13

RogersOrganismicProcess · 18/03/2023 06:33

Ex-teacher here. It isn’t all about your son. She was dealing with another incident. She quite rightly prioritised the other children’s incident and managed this by removing your son as he was providing an inappropriate and rude distraction.

As a parent, you need to ask yourself:

a) why is my child behaving so inappropriately in the first place?

b) why my child, at the age of 7 , is not yet able to follow a simple two part instruction “Go outside, and wait,”? We’d expect to see understanding at this level in EYFS.

c)what can I, as his mother, do to address the situation, that actually takes responsibility, rather than minimising and deflecting the problem onto his new teacher. (You didn’t say why he had so recently needed to move).

You haven’t mentioned any SEN, so I am presuming this has not been considered. Please consider it. His behaviour is not age appropriate.

Also, ask yourself if you are consistent at home. Are you consistent with routine, expectations, consequences, time and affection? Are you calm, patient and understanding, yet firm with your boundaries, as your child learns about his world? Do you spend quality time with him, absorbing yourself into the things he enjoys to do?

Not all of the children we see who behave like your son have SEND, some are literally crying out for attention, and have learned a really effective way to get it, by acting out. Attachment issues and the trauma children feel because of them are rife, and (in my anecdotal opinion) getting worse.

All of this

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 18/03/2023 08:24

WonderingWanda · 18/03/2023 08:02

I am a teacher and I would and have disciplined children for trying to get involved when I am managing the behaviour of other students. It was none of his business and if he'd left the room when he was meant the other child wouldn't have been able to give him the finger.

What also jumped out of your post that others have commented on is that your child's behaviour is unusual. Being terrified of being sent out but behaving badly and refusing to follow instructions doesn't really add up. It it actually the case that he has learnt if he comes home and cries to you that it was scary and unfair you will complain to the teacher and get him off the hook? Or is it that there is some sort of neurodiveristy that you've not mentioned here so part of a bigger issue? You said he has meltdowns, have you sought any support about this?

The teacher told the two children off in front of the whole class(that's how he got "involved") . No one gave OP's son the finger. That's what the children that behaved badly did, and what according to OP's son what he laughed at -When the teacher mentioned the "bad finger". Then he was sent out on the corridor for laughing.

How many kids have you sent out of class alone as a behaviour management policy?

Littlefish · 18/03/2023 08:26

ittakes2 · 18/03/2023 05:51

I have adhd - I think he needs to be checked for adhd.

I agree.

Bronzeisthecolour · 18/03/2023 08:32

I'm with the teacher on this one. He was getting involved loudly in someone none of his business and then as he was disrupting the class he was asked to leave. The screaming and jumping around would concern me. Not the norm for a 7 year old in school. I would contact senco and see about any further diagnosis- look at adhd. The teacher was doing her job. Your son needs to respect school and support by senco.

Gilmorehill · 18/03/2023 08:37

Is this outside the UK? I'm asking because you use the word recess, while we say break here. I work with that age group. Your ds’s behaviour sounds poor but some of the teacher’s language and actions are unprofessional.