To feel ashamed for being a sahm

[Woodward23]

Just seen a ex co-worker of mine in the supermarket. We worked together in 2016 but then the business went into administration and we was made unemployed i was just about to go on to maternity at that point and with already having a 3year old it was much more practical + I wanted to be at home more with the children so became a sahm.

Fast forward 6 years one child is now nearly 7 my other one is 9 both in primary school and I'm still in the same position

She said
-what you doing now , so are you still a sahm. It just was the tone it was said

I said yes i do some volunteering at school but thats pretty much its made me feel really ashamed now.

Is it that bad to be a sahm with primary school age kids ?

My oh works weekends and then you've got the school holidays/sickness with no familyaround that we would be willing to ask to help out and I don't drive, it just still doesn't seem practical to go back full time however I would like to find something term time and am actively looking . Just feel really miserable am I alone here?

My mum was a SAHM and she was a great example to us of hard work. We were raised with great work ethics and understood that mum worked more than anyone! She did so much for us and came to every single school event etc.
we knew she had a paid job before having us and she gave that up for us. We know that. Never once thought why doesn’t she work etc.
whatver You do your kids will respect, above anything else they’ll want you to be happy

Agree!

@Woodward23

Are you married?

I wouldn't judge you but TBH I would probably wonder what you do all day and whether it's wise to let your professional skills get so dusty.

Would you be able to support yourself and your children if you needed to?

Yes I am married. And in the days it obviously varies but I do lots of dog walking every day and training , cleaning/organising/chores/cooking, decorating our house as weve just recently brought it, volunteering at the school 2-3 times a week, catching up with friends, watching tv, go see my very elderly parents (hence I can't ask them for childcare as one is disabled), shopping, sometimes (but rarely) husband is off work for a day in the week so we have some time to together, im never really bored as such , it can be lonely but it goes very quickly.

And yes i could support my self and the children if there was a time i needed to.

I don't understand people saying it is bad. Do what pleases you and your family. If you are bored and you think a job might be nice for sime social interaction then look.for some agency work that you can pick and choose to suit u. In England there have been incentives to get parents back to work who have small children. That admirable but if you don't want to do this and importantly can afford not to then thst is fine. I know your children are at school now but so what? No one else's business to.make comments.

The reality of most working mums is that they work and trt and do the majority of household admin they used to do plus the lion's share of the childcare. Where is the joy in that? If it can be avoided,why not?

I was in a similar position to you. It didn’t make financial sense to go back to work when my children were young and my DH had a well paid job. I’m glad I had the time at home with them when they were young but I do regret not going back sooner and found it much harder to get back into the workplace after a longer gap. If I could do it all again I’d not have stayed at home so long, but it has worked out ok.

I wouldn’t take the comments personally, most people get a huge sense of self from working/earning it is part of their innate ego. So anyone bucking that trend is an outlier.

I have transitioned from from being obsessed with my job working all the hours I could, to outsourcing virtually everything and doing the bare minimum so I can be a sahm. I love being a sahm of a school age child, I’m busy, fulfilled and happy and I get to spend lots of time with my child, which is what I wanted. We live in a capitalist society but you are worth more than your job title/salary.

If it works for your family then it works and you shouldn’t feel awkward about it.

Once your kids are in full time education I don’t think you are a sahm anymore, then you are a housewife. However, since you are actively looking for work then I think I’d just say that. Unemployed or a job seeker. It’s always good to be open about that, you never know who knows someone who needs someone.

I think this is the case with many who give up work because it doesn’t make sense financially in the short term. They usually fall so far behind that their earning power and pension will lag behind for the rest of their working life. It’s usually better to take the hit for a couple of years than spend the rest of the working life trying to catch up.

The options for Mums seem to be:
SAHM - Judged for relying on DP by those who go back to work
Go back to work - Judged for not caring about their children by those who are SAHM
Go back to work part-time - Judged by both parties.

No matter what you do, people judge you - so do whatever works best for you and your family.

I couldn’t do it, but if you’re happy. I have a think where I can’t watch tv in the day, though. Feels wrong somehow.

*unless I’m sick, hungover or it’s the weekend.

I dream of being a stay at home mum. I would be amazing at it 😅 You are very very lucky to be in this position. Enjoy it. As long as you are in a happy, healthy relationship that is and your husband is not resentful in any way.

Be grateful and lap up all your lovely free time. , 💗

Most people would course not to have a job if they could
You’ve won life if you have no job and are happy with that

No judging from me. If it works for you and you can afford it why not? And I say this as a mother with a successful, well paid career who has worked throughout.

My mum didn't return to work until I went to secondary school and it was great having her around in my early childhood years. The house was always a calm place to come home to and she was involved with my school and came on all the school trips. There are definite benefits to the children from this set up. My DC were in childcare 7.30-6.30 for many years - a bit better now since COVID-19.

I get a lot of fulfilment from my job and as I said above, it pays well. I wouldn't change what I have done. Would I have returned to a job I didn't particularly like for little financial benefit? Possibly not. It might not be worth the additional stress on me and the family.

(But please remember if asked, that having a SAHM is a luxury that many families can't afford. Own your position - say it works for you. Don't try to justify it by saying you couldn't possibly get a job as then you wouldn't be able to get your children to their various clubs )

Definitely shouldn't be ashamed. It isn't anyone else's business. It's a shame really that people are so judgmental it makes us question our own life choices.

I put a post on a few weeks ago about feeling guilty for working part time. Someone replied and said they don't understand how I don't realise how lucky I am to do it.

Kind of missing the point

Loads of people and lots on mumsnet are horrible about it.

Take a breather. Realise it’s really not a big deal. You do you and there’s a reason why you’re doing it. You will return to work again and things will change again. It’ll seem silly that you worried looking back.

I wouldn't want to spend long periods of my life feeling lonely but that's up to you. Just a cautionary note, always think long term. Especially as a woman likely to be left with the DC if the worst happens.
Is your DH paying into a pension for you?

The trouble is, no matter what you do as a mum you are judged.

SAHM: you must be lazy, aren't contributing to society / the work force.

Part time work: again your lazy. Not at work enough to fully contribute. Judged for missing school stuff / kids even though you only work part time. Torn between the two places.

Work full time: why did you even have kids if your never with them.

Just to what's best for you and your family and forget about everyone else

I was a SAHM for over 10 years

if helped that I had friends who were too

I also owned it, I did just tell people I was a housewife. And I got the “what do you do all day?!” And I’d say: play with the kids Lego or something flippant

as I did not feel I had to justify my life to anyone

When kids were at secondary DH lost his job and had a massive burnout, so I had to scramble around like mad to get back into paid work again, and had to accept a Very low paid job to start with

With hindsight it would have been more clever to keep a toe in the world of work

but I don’t regret being at home that much.

I’ve done both and there is a lot MORE judgement for being a sahm. I think wohm are deep down worried about judgement to them so throw it back.

Do you say the same about women without kids who take time out to study or travel or get a job that earns less for a few years because they want a better life/work balance? No, but if you are sahm because you want to look after the kids then you get all this unjustified s*. Talk about caring about women and their mental health. The only negatives I really found was judgement from other women. That’s what affected my
mental health.

The truth is, one isn’t actually better than the other. There truly are pros and cons to both which will differ by families.

Please everyone stop being so judgemental!

There's so shame in being a SAHM. Women get judged for everything they do! As long as you're happy, ignore her.

Same. I'm "part time" but do 2 long days and a half day. Always missing something important for the kids and feel so tired the rest of the time managing stuff gets tough