To feel ashamed for being a sahm

[Woodward23]

Just seen a ex co-worker of mine in the supermarket. We worked together in 2016 but then the business went into administration and we was made unemployed i was just about to go on to maternity at that point and with already having a 3year old it was much more practical + I wanted to be at home more with the children so became a sahm.

Fast forward 6 years one child is now nearly 7 my other one is 9 both in primary school and I'm still in the same position

She said
-what you doing now , so are you still a sahm. It just was the tone it was said

I said yes i do some volunteering at school but thats pretty much its made me feel really ashamed now.

Is it that bad to be a sahm with primary school age kids ?

My oh works weekends and then you've got the school holidays/sickness with no familyaround that we would be willing to ask to help out and I don't drive, it just still doesn't seem practical to go back full time however I would like to find something term time and am actively looking . Just feel really miserable am I alone here?

Neither SAHM's or working mother's should have anything to be ashamed of. Each family decides what will work for their own families and they decide together.
I would never judge a mum who decides to go back to work.And when she decides to go back isn't anyone else's business,IMO.
I personally have stayed home w my kids from the beginning and 2 are grown and one is about to graduate. I have never encountered judgement in me staying home.To me,it is my job and I love it.

It's just ridiculous to see others judge the opposite of them when there's just no reason to.
We all love our kids whether you work or stay home with them.
Nothing beats that loves.

I think it's nice you can be there for your children, I had a SAHD and I think back on my childhood and him always being around, coming on school trips etc. And think I was very lucky

Agreed. I’m interested in where this narrative of ‘mum guilt’ being expected and normal comes from, and to whose benefit it’s being perpetuated. Most women with children throughout human history have always worked.

I would raise an eyebrow, because your kids are both at school now. I’d probably think you’re not an ambitious person, which is totally up to you but I’d assume we wouldn’t have anything in common.

You would have something in common though.

That nobody would give two shits about what career you did or didn't have after you're dead and gone! 😁

Sometimes at work I just remind myself that if I died tomorrow - my job would get readvertised as if I never existed!

It's a good grounding technique to have. All this judgement is for nothing.

She was an ex-colleague so she views you through the lens of work. If I bump into ex-colleagues I always find it a little surprising if I hear they’ve left the se for we work in, for any reason.

there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a sahm of course. But you don’t sound all that secure and happy with your decision?

God some women are so shitty. I chose to have children and was fortunate enough that I could work part time and be at home the rest of the time. We work opposite shifts so either me or DH have been home and I’m so proud of that and think our kids have benefited from that. I’ve loved being with my kids as much as I have and really don’t give two hoots about the bitchiness of other women judging when so far I have 2 well rounded happy children. Do what’s right for you OP. I love my kids and I don’t regret a single minute. Some women have no option but to return to work. Perhaps jealousy? Leave ‘em to it.

Fair enough! I work part time so I am able to do every school drop off and pick up, and I still get to work and have that independence. It is what works for me and my family! Not everyone will feel the same and that’s okay!

@berksandbeyond That sounds absolutely perfect x

Good for you. You do whatever makes you and your family happy. No one should feel guilty for staying at home or going out to work. I was a SAHM for a few years and the only person who used to try and make me feel guilty, constantly asking "are you not bored at home" etc was a neighbour, who I now look back and think was obviously jealous. It's no one's business but your own.

I'm pretty jealous of my friends that are sahms. I find working and balancing my children and trying to work really stressful.

I’d take no notice of what anyone else thinks. Your circumstances allow you to be at home and it’s what works best for you all. You don’t have family around and if you did go back to work, you’d have to factor in childcare.

When I returned to work with my oldest (a young adult now) I did feel guilty at the time, but I was comparing myself to friends who were single mum’s and it wasn’t really worth their while working with young children due to child care costs etc. Turns out one of them was a bit envious of me being able to get to work.

Do what suits you OP and to hell with anyone else.

Your ex colleague is either jealous or has fallen for the propaganda that only economic activity has any worth. It seems to me that some people can only think about what's best for them financially and can't imagine that there are other people who don't put their finances at the top of their list of priorities.

Obviously most families need two incomes so most parents don't have the choice. But for parents who do, it's a legitimate choice. And not necessarily any less hard work than many jobs.

Aside from financial stability, not everyone feels the need to have the stimulation, validation, independence whatever from doing paid work. Many jobs don't contribute anything to society other than tax. And government policies about tax/childcare etc don't claim that they benefit children - other than financially.

Lucky you being in a position to have this choice. You go, wumman 💪🏻

In my opinion, it is much harder to be a SAHM than it is to be a working parent.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud - what you do isn't easy.

Hopefully you misread her If she genuinely was being judgey - some women are just toxic to other women unfortunately.

If you felt bad about your friend’s response, it might not have been the wisest decision to come on mn for a proper kicking.

There are lots of pros and cons to being a sahm. When they’re little and need you that can be an over riding pro. But it’s worth revisiting your options periodically.

Ultimately you don’t live with this friend or with any MNetters so think about what’s right for you, and your family first.

My mum was a stay at home parent and I can vividly remember the comfort and happiness it brought me knowing she was there every day for pick ups and whoever I needed her and I wasn't with a childminder or other family members. From a child's perspective it is wonderful. I have a pretty high flying career but I've chosen to put it on the back burner whilst DD is primary school age, I do the odd bit of work to keep my hand in during term time but we are lucky enough to manage well on one income and my priority is to be completely present for DD whilst she is very young. It works for us. People who try to make you feel a certain way likely have an agenda or why would they care what you're doing?

Pay no mind unless you want something different for yourself. Let people judge away. Most people content with themselves don’t much care what other people do.

As long as you are not financially vulnerable

Better than sitting staring at four walls all day following rules :) enjoy it, if you love it. The kids are lucky to have you at home and hopefully stress free as you have no other work and can fully concentrate on them and your family.

Great for the kids that you are there for them full time and they don't need childcare from someone else.

SAHM and would happily be one forever but not sure we can afford it for much longer… stand proud and hold your head high, no matter what you do, you are doing the right thing for your family. Like with anything else, sometimes you do question your life choices, that’s normal. If you are a SAHP you sometimes feel guilty for not contributing financially. If you are working you feel guilty you don’t have more time/energy with your kids. The grass always seems greener at the end of the day. Sometimes I listen to people earning booking holidays and spa breaks and things like that and I think “it would be so lovely to have a bit of spare cash to do those things”. Meanwhile they’re maybe thinking “does she look down on me for not spending as much time with my kids as she does?” Comparison is the thief of joy, it really is. I end the discussion by saying “I am a SAHM and happy to be, but I entirely understand it’s not for everyone! Do you like your job overall?”

If people judge me, oh well, I have my reasons and I’m sure so do they for theirs. I don’t ask anyone to pay my bills so I don’t want to hear their opinion any more than they wish to be judged on theirs.

We don't know of she actually said it in a rude manner OP. However it seems as though you have taken this the wrong way and expecting validation from MN. If your happy with your choices it shouldn't bother you surely.

I think most people will be surprised though that one wage is doable unless your OH has an extremely good wage with kids of 6 and 9.

From the tone of your message, I think being a SAHP does bother you. Maybe have a look around and see if there are any part time jobs that might suit you.

I too would feel ashamed of being a SAHM once my children started school but that's only because my parents were on benefits, neither working and the stigma around that was awful. I was embarrassed and promised myself that I'd always work, that my children will see me working as a positive role model.

I went from full time to part time after having my children. I now work a job where I am there to do the school runs, be at home if they're sick and then around for the most part at the weekends, so we're able to go and do fun stuff.

If you didn't care & felt happy and fulfilled, you wouldn't be ashamed.