To feel ashamed for being a sahm

[Woodward23]

Just seen a ex co-worker of mine in the supermarket. We worked together in 2016 but then the business went into administration and we was made unemployed i was just about to go on to maternity at that point and with already having a 3year old it was much more practical + I wanted to be at home more with the children so became a sahm.

Fast forward 6 years one child is now nearly 7 my other one is 9 both in primary school and I'm still in the same position

She said
-what you doing now , so are you still a sahm. It just was the tone it was said

I said yes i do some volunteering at school but thats pretty much its made me feel really ashamed now.

Is it that bad to be a sahm with primary school age kids ?

My oh works weekends and then you've got the school holidays/sickness with no familyaround that we would be willing to ask to help out and I don't drive, it just still doesn't seem practical to go back full time however I would like to find something term time and am actively looking . Just feel really miserable am I alone here?

Up to you. I would find it strange these days for somebody with school age children not to have a job.

I feel judged for being SAHM and when I went back to work I felt even more judged for working. Mainly by men.

You can't win OP x

I have mixed feelings about being a sahm, possibly because like you OP, it wasn't exactly my intention. However am I ashamed because of what other people think? Absolutely not.

What do you want to do? My youngest is 4 and I intend looking at a proper return to work in the next two years because I think that will be right for me.

I wouldn't judge you. I absolutely wouldn't want your life, and tbh, I wouldn't want it for my daughter either (though I would obviously respect her decision if she chose that), but if it suits you and your family, then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's a personal choice.

If you can afford to do it being a SAHM is a huge privilege, time to attend kids events, sports days, parents evenings, do the housework, pick the kids up from school. However if you're not feeling fulfilled by volunteering, could you get a part time job? Working a few hours a week might make you feel you have more of a purpose. What did you do for work before the company went into administration?

Are you married?

I'm also a sahp, I was in work but couldn't do the 40 hours on my own with 3 kids under 10 at home (covid, no family around, husband working away). I'm still looking for a job I can do from home but there's not much that'll work for us. As long as you're not financially vulnerable you do what works for you and your family.

I don't think you should feel ashamed at all - your ex colleague's attitude is dreadful. If you're able to stay home then I don't think there's anything more valuable that you can do for your children. It was really important to my husband and me for me to stay at home with our daughter. I didn't have her until I was in my mid thirties, by which time my husbands business was better established and he was earning more; but it was a real struggle for me to stay home. We didn't have much in the way of family to help out with childcare, but I wanted to be with my daughter on a full time basis during her early years. we cut back on most expenditure, didn't have a holiday for several years, no new clothes or major things for the house, but to us it was worth it and I think being at home with my daughter full time before she started school was enormously beneficial for her. Like another poster said, once my daughter was at school, I was able to go to all her school events, be there when she had friends for tea, and enjoy time with her after school, and I volunteered a couple of times a week at her school. As she got older I started working from home part time, attending evening meetings as part of my work, when my husband looked after her. I realise I was in a relatively fortunate position to be able to stay at home - it was a real struggle financially but worth it.

I judge people who like you, are stay at home mum's with partners they aren't married to because of the amount of threads I see on here where the woman has no career and they are splitting but will not benefit from a lot of the assets built up. I have seen people on here living in a house owned by their partner, no career and suddenly realising they have a problem when he asks them to leave his house.

Everyone has their own life and you do what works for you. I cannot imagine being home every day from 9-3 when the kids are at school but can also see how I could be busy, keeping the house tidy, pre cooking meals, making sure the garden is beautiful etc. life just slows down right?

I'd personally feel financially vulnerable and seeing my parents divorcing now in their 50s when my mother was the default parent and only working part time really has put me off being financially dependent on my husband. I do work 4 days a week but if anything happened, I'd be able to support myself and the kids, I'll have my own pension etc.

This. If you’re not happy, change it. I don’t think all that many people are suited to being a SAHP longterm.

For married people I don't judge, feminim should mean we have choices not that we should all be career focussed. Being a house wife is fine, as long as you have something to fall back in in the event of a split.

I absolutely loved being a sahm when my kids were younger. I have absolutely no regrets at all and felt it was better for them. When they went to secondary school I went back to work and was lucky enough to find a job to work around them. Just enjoy your time with them and when the time is right for you and them look for some work that you will enjoy.

I cannot imagine being home every day from 9-3 when the kids are at school but can also see how I could be busy, keeping the house tidy, pre cooking meals, making sure the garden is beautiful etc. life just slows down right?

Obviously I can't speak for the OP but as a sahm to a preschooler and an 8 year old...that's not how I fill my hours when the kids aren't home. I'm studying for degree number 3 and I do a lot of voluntary work for various charities, most of which takes me out of the house. Obviously I do all the cooking, cleaning, life admin etc too but that condenses up rather small.

I don't really judge but I find it concerning after school age. Only if the DH is very very rich with lots of assets should you do it. You will be expected to work if a divorce happens , they don't do spousal maintenance anymore clean break only and it depends if a divorce settlement could you last you for a long time without working. Many take a huge lifestyle hit then have no independent means of getting it back up to that level. Many men have midlife crisis run off etc.

I'm a SAHM and my youngest is going into secondary school is September. I am very happy and content so I never care what people think about it and I never justify it to anyone either as it's none of their business. If you are happy op then you take no notice it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of .

This!! You're very fortunate imo

A mother's place is always in the wrong. I gave up full time work when my youngest came along. We were living a new country and didn't have a supportive network of friends and didn't have family. it all became too much and we decided it was best I became a full time mother. I was still a part time student and writer, managed to get my masters and wrote eight books that were published but plenty of people still thought I was a freeloader on my poor, long-suffering husband. At a book group another woman told me being an author wasn't a proper job and that they didn't know how I could live with myself as they would be ashamed if they were not working a 12 hour day. Yeah, right. You do what works for you. I still only work part time as it is very hard building up a career again after a long break and the novel writing doesn't impress everyone! But we have been very happy with the decision we made and my husband has always appreciated that I worked hard, unpaid, and made his working life a lot easier. I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it without the protection of marriage, though, and if you work in a job where you need to keep up with licensing or certification, etc, do it.

I wonder if this old chestnut - working mums versus stay at home mums - will ever go away?
Mums from either demographic come in all metaphorical shapes and sizes.
I've come to believe that there is no 100% "best way" of having and bringing up children. It's hard!
You may stay at home because you want to, and can afford it, or you hated your job prior to motherhood, or childcare, for whatever reason, is problematic.
You may go back to work because you love your job, or because you need the income.
Either way, we seem to be expert at feeling guilty, (or allowing other mums to make us feel guilty), whatever path we choose.
We women should ideally be supportive of each other in the choices we make regarding how we raise our children, given that hard decisions have to be made sometimes, instead of perpetuating this "us v them" mentality.

I can honestly say I’ve never felt a single second’s guilt over being a working parent. I genuinely only encounter the idea that it’s normal to feel guilty on here.

Another one who never felt guilty working! Not working would be very strange for me, and I don't universally support all women for the decisions they make! Why would I? Some decisions are bad decisions. I class staying at home when your kids are at school and being entirely financially reliant on another person as a strange decision, personally, barring health problems etc that make working impossible.

However I would never say that to anyone's face in real life, and I wouldn't expect anyone to care about my opinion either.

You only feel ashamed because you feel judged. You feel judged because you're secretly judging yourself.
You wouldn't care otherwise.

Do you want to work? Do you want a career?
If you don't and you are truly happy doing what you're doing then there's no need to feel ashamed.

That said, if you are happy being a SAHM, make sure your husband is paying into a pension for you. Make sure you're protected financially so you're not left with nothing if your DH ups and leaves.

I don't feel guilty about it either. Even with some of the negative comments I've had about it.

I was a SAHM until my youngest was 9 - the only people who've ever judged me to my face were 20-ings with no kids who work in recruitment & have swallowed the idea that only paid work counts on your CV! I lost count of the number of rejections from "recruitment firms" I had in literally minutes when I submitted CV returning to work - despite having been the Chair of a pre-school, the secretary & then Chair of my children's PTA, a school governor & one of the main organisers of a local fireworks event with over 2,000 attendees! I even got told by one that part-time work in retail or hospitality would help me get back into my field of IT! The fact that we so undervalue volunteering whilst still needing it helps explain why all such groups - PTAs, school governors, local events - are all lurching from one recruitment crisis to the next. My children's primary school had over 100 attend their AGM in 1980's (when many 2-parent families had only 1 person in full time employment) and now we're lucky to get double figures.

I don't regret any of my time as a SAHM - we had no family nearby & I'd have only made any money after childcare in a 5-week month so why make my & the children's timetables more complicated than they needed be? Instead I was an active part in their lives including their education & provided support to other mums who did work but also lacked nearby emergency / family support.

If you are financially & legally sorted, (I'd have thought twice about being SAHM if I wasn't married & co-owned our property) then enjoy your time with your children and try to give back to your community, as pre-schools, schools & charities need your help - it will help your CV & add to your locality's community.

I never felt guilty either. There was no reason to feel guilty when dc was obviously happy and thriving, and we had a great relationship. And I managed to be at all of her school events, host her friends on playdates etc despite holding down a full time job.

DD will be an adult in a few months, and I couldn't be prouder of how she has turned out, nor could I be any happier about the quality of our relationship. I have no regrets and no guilt, and I get so frustrated when I hear the narrative about working mums feeling like this... nobody ever worries about working fathers feeling guilty!