(I’ve NC’d for this but if any of it sounds familiar please don’t go advanced searching and out me. TIA)
It’s a very long one as I feel I need to explain our situation fully. Help me wrap my head around this.
I have terminated one previous accidental pregnancy, 6 years ago, when DH and I were in no way practically or financially prepared to have a baby and I was on very shaky ground in terms of my mental health, having recently endured several long spells of depression which meant I kept losing jobs. Whilst it wasn’t a hugely emotional or difficult decision it wasn’t a pleasant experience, and certainly not one I had ever thought to repeat.
Anyway. Now.
I’m 37, DH is 38. We have two DC- 3 1/2 and 15 months. Both boys. Both took quite a long time TTC, ovulation tracking, lots of sex in FW, post coital legs in the air, pre-seed lubricant and all that nonsense.
DH works FT, 3 days from home, 2 in London. I work PT 9pm-2am five nights a week. I took the job with these hours so that I could earn some money without putting DC in full time childcare, I’ve been in the job 7 months. Household income mid-£60k’s I guess, maybe a little higher. We currently live in an expensive town in an expensive county. PILs recently relocated to live closer to us.
We live in a tiny (715 sq ft) two bedroom flat. Two days a week DH has to work from a desk next to our bed because there’s no space anywhere else. At night I work from the table in the sitting room. Our home is cramped and cluttered and not big enough for the four of us. Original plan was to start setting the ball rolling to move this time next year so we’re settled before DS1 starts school. Not sure where we’ll be moving to yet, it’s very much going to be dictated by our budget, but we’re hoping stay as close to where we are now as we can manage.
DC are with PILs one day a week, nursery two days a week. The other two weekdays I just have to survive, DH gets up with the DC and lets me sleep as long as possible before he starts work, and I have a few hours nap between him finishing work around 5ish and me starting work at 9.
DH and I are (and I can’t stress this enough) permanently exhausted and fairly stressed. Our boys are wonderful but currently at that age where they can’t seem to peacefully co-exist under the same roof, and most of our time is spent trying to stop one of them seriously injuring themselves or doing something that will make the other one scream.
DS2 in particular was such a difficult baby pretty much from the get go. Months and months of hardly getting any sleep, he was never content when he was awake, screamed constantly, we really really went through hell. To add to that hell my DM died suddenly when he was 8 weeks old. I’m not being glib when I say DH and I are a bit traumatised by everything we went through and I really don’t think we could go through that again.
Anyway. DH and I hardly ever have sex these days, we’re like ships passing in the night due to my working hours. We had sex ONCE in February, before my FW and didn’t take preventative measures because we’re fucking stupid, and honestly I thought it’d be ok because of how hard we tried to conceive the DC and how long it took, but what the hell do I know… DH asked me yesterday when my period was due, I checked and it was 3 days late (I hadn’t even realised) so I took a test, and got a BFP. And now I don’t know what the hell to do.
I want three DC. I have always wanted three DC. DH, for his part, had always been ambivalent but said we’ll see depending on finances etc, but after the nightmare we went through with DS2 has been leaning very heavily toward “we’re done”. And at the moment, our situation does not in any practical way lend itself to having a third child.
We cannot fit another baby in this flat. Literally. There isn’t space in our bedroom for a crib. There isn’t space in the DC’s room either- their cot beds are squished side by side and they’re not old enough for a bunk bed.
If there was no other option then we’d have to sell up and move as fast as humanly possible and god knows where we’d end up… certainly not anywhere that’s a handy 10 minute walk into town like we are now, most likely a tiny house in a village in the middle of nowhere.
I don’t know about DH’s car but mine definitely isn’t big enough for three car seats so we’d have to somehow buy a bigger one.
DH would have to leave his job and try and find a higher paid one which means he’d lose the flexibility he has now regarding his hours and office days and could end up having to go into London four or five days a week, so I would lose that bit of support he’s able to provide while he’s WFH.
I just qualify for mat pay at work but only for 6 months so would have to go back pretty quickly.
DS2 would be too young to qualify for funded childcare hours for another year (due date is 2 weeks before his 2nd birthday) and I wouldn’t want/we couldn’t afford to put another baby in nursery especially so young, so I would not have any rest time to myself, I would be even more exhausted than I am now and chances are my mental health would fall off a cliff…
But. But but but.
I so desperately want this baby.
I just don’t see how it can work.