I want three DC, I already have two, I’m pregnant… and I really don’t think I can keep it.

[ObstinateHeadstrongGirI]

(I’ve NC’d for this but if any of it sounds familiar please don’t go advanced searching and out me. TIA)

It’s a very long one as I feel I need to explain our situation fully. Help me wrap my head around this.

I have terminated one previous accidental pregnancy, 6 years ago, when DH and I were in no way practically or financially prepared to have a baby and I was on very shaky ground in terms of my mental health, having recently endured several long spells of depression which meant I kept losing jobs. Whilst it wasn’t a hugely emotional or difficult decision it wasn’t a pleasant experience, and certainly not one I had ever thought to repeat.

Anyway. Now.

I’m 37, DH is 38. We have two DC- 3 1/2 and 15 months. Both boys. Both took quite a long time TTC, ovulation tracking, lots of sex in FW, post coital legs in the air, pre-seed lubricant and all that nonsense.

DH works FT, 3 days from home, 2 in London. I work PT 9pm-2am five nights a week. I took the job with these hours so that I could earn some money without putting DC in full time childcare, I’ve been in the job 7 months. Household income mid-£60k’s I guess, maybe a little higher. We currently live in an expensive town in an expensive county. PILs recently relocated to live closer to us.

We live in a tiny (715 sq ft) two bedroom flat. Two days a week DH has to work from a desk next to our bed because there’s no space anywhere else. At night I work from the table in the sitting room. Our home is cramped and cluttered and not big enough for the four of us. Original plan was to start setting the ball rolling to move this time next year so we’re settled before DS1 starts school. Not sure where we’ll be moving to yet, it’s very much going to be dictated by our budget, but we’re hoping stay as close to where we are now as we can manage.

DC are with PILs one day a week, nursery two days a week. The other two weekdays I just have to survive, DH gets up with the DC and lets me sleep as long as possible before he starts work, and I have a few hours nap between him finishing work around 5ish and me starting work at 9.

DH and I are (and I can’t stress this enough) permanently exhausted and fairly stressed. Our boys are wonderful but currently at that age where they can’t seem to peacefully co-exist under the same roof, and most of our time is spent trying to stop one of them seriously injuring themselves or doing something that will make the other one scream.

DS2 in particular was such a difficult baby pretty much from the get go. Months and months of hardly getting any sleep, he was never content when he was awake, screamed constantly, we really really went through hell. To add to that hell my DM died suddenly when he was 8 weeks old. I’m not being glib when I say DH and I are a bit traumatised by everything we went through and I really don’t think we could go through that again.

Anyway. DH and I hardly ever have sex these days, we’re like ships passing in the night due to my working hours. We had sex ONCE in February, before my FW and didn’t take preventative measures because we’re fucking stupid, and honestly I thought it’d be ok because of how hard we tried to conceive the DC and how long it took, but what the hell do I know… DH asked me yesterday when my period was due, I checked and it was 3 days late (I hadn’t even realised) so I took a test, and got a BFP. And now I don’t know what the hell to do.

I want three DC. I have always wanted three DC. DH, for his part, had always been ambivalent but said we’ll see depending on finances etc, but after the nightmare we went through with DS2 has been leaning very heavily toward “we’re done”. And at the moment, our situation does not in any practical way lend itself to having a third child.

We cannot fit another baby in this flat. Literally. There isn’t space in our bedroom for a crib. There isn’t space in the DC’s room either- their cot beds are squished side by side and they’re not old enough for a bunk bed.

If there was no other option then we’d have to sell up and move as fast as humanly possible and god knows where we’d end up… certainly not anywhere that’s a handy 10 minute walk into town like we are now, most likely a tiny house in a village in the middle of nowhere.

I don’t know about DH’s car but mine definitely isn’t big enough for three car seats so we’d have to somehow buy a bigger one.

DH would have to leave his job and try and find a higher paid one which means he’d lose the flexibility he has now regarding his hours and office days and could end up having to go into London four or five days a week, so I would lose that bit of support he’s able to provide while he’s WFH.

I just qualify for mat pay at work but only for 6 months so would have to go back pretty quickly.

DS2 would be too young to qualify for funded childcare hours for another year (due date is 2 weeks before his 2nd birthday) and I wouldn’t want/we couldn’t afford to put another baby in nursery especially so young, so I would not have any rest time to myself, I would be even more exhausted than I am now and chances are my mental health would fall off a cliff…

But. But but but.

I so desperately want this baby.

I just don’t see how it can work.

regards*

Work three days in a daytime job. Read books and go to the gym from 8pm until 11pm. Sleep normal hours. This is fairly normal. Many many working mothers don’t get any daytime time to themselves.

Honestly I’m with all the others who are pointing out that you’re making life much harder for yourself than it ever needs to be. Three days a week essentially to yourself for ‘life admin’ and ‘me time’ is fine but it’s not overly realistic. You’re exhausted because you’re working three nights a week until the early hours where you could be doing three days.. like most other working families with children in childcare.
All that being said, were I in your shoes, I wouldn’t proceed with this pregnancy. Sure, you want one, but your circumstances are not suitable for a third child. Your husband doesn’t want another. You have no space and little money, your relationship is under strain already and frankly it doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying life much as it is now.

Totally your decision but if not now when? This could be your last chance to have three kids, you’re getting older and the older you get the more of a chance you will get a child born with developmental disabilities. That said definitely not in your shoes and your plates do sound really full. If you can make it work though I would x

If it helps there are these type of space saving beds, for the future. This is one I saw in FB marketplace a few weeks back

Sorry better picture

I agree with other comments. It is possible, and if you want the baby I don't see why you can't keep it, you just need to change how you do things.

Three whole days for me time and house admin is unrealistic, just set aside one for that and work on the other one's if you're going to continue working.

And it seems like you're making life very hard for yourself by insisting on living in that expensive area. The flat sounds like it's a problem whether you have another baby or not.

We were evicted from our house with two months to spare before DD2 was born. We had to buy a house VERY quickly. You have plenty of time in my opinion.

@BottleSizedJenny I’d suggest a look at the millions of threads on the relationships boards full of SAHM who want to leave but are financially trapped. Two working parents means independence and safety for both parties.

That looks like Sooty, Sweep and Soo’s old bedroom.

I wouldn’t do it, OP. But that’s me. I’d be happy with my lot, would look forward to the boys getting older and would change my working hours to the daytimes when I had childcare. You’re shattered and working until 2am will be part of that.

I really wanted three, I always dreamt of three and our third came along, very disabled, so many complications and constant care needs.
I had to stop working and become our child's carer and my elder two have less of me, it hurts my heart.
I love all of our children, very, very much but this is not a life I would every choose again.

So your advice is for the OP to give up work and for the partner to just get a higher paying job?

This is terrible, terrible advice.

You can make it work

Personally I think that once you've got children, any major life decisions need to be based on what is in their best interests. Living in overcrowded conditions or moving away from close family is very unlikely to benefit them and will probably make all your lives significantly harder. I think that, especially as you're on the older side for having another baby, you also need to consider how you'd cope if this baby turned out to have significant additional needs/disabilities.

However much you might want this baby, it is unlikely to be in your other children's best interests. I think "wanting" a baby isn't a good enough reason to have one in your circumstances. Sorry.

I agree. Sorry OP.

And - use protection in future.

I want three DC. I have always wanted three DC.

Don't abort a wanted child. Some things work themselves out later on, even when a situation looks less than ideal at first. I think it would be very difficult to get over terminating a child that is actually wanted.

I disagree. 37 is not old at all. The DC might love having another sibling, especially later in their lives. What is in their interest isn't so clear-cut

We are planning to do this. Just hope I fit in the middle!

What is it about 3 kids that you think will be "better" than 2? Can you explain this burning desire? Is it hormonal or is there something else going on?

I know that until my youngest was 2 I couldn't look at a baby without crying. Then one day I was suddenly thank fuck that's not me.

I think that's reasonable if having another child doesn't take anything away from the existing ones in the short term. But this is already a family where the parents are finding life tough. Bringing another baby into this situation is going to increase the already significant pressures on time, space and money.

And 37 isn't 'old', obviously women who are older have healthy pregnancies. But it is an inescapable fact though that the older you are, the higher the risk of pregnancy complications and/or having a disabled child.

Not really, because I’d get absolutely no time to myself at all, and if for whatever reason PILs can’t have the DC or they can’t go to nursery (which seems to be every other week at the moment, the amount of bugs and illnesses we’re all getting) then DH or I would have to take time off work at short notice to look after them.

@ObstinateHeadstrongGirI This bit stood out to me because I am a SAHM but my PIL have my boys one day a week each, meaning I get a day with each of them by myself, which is lovely. But they frequently "can't have him today" because it's mums old school friend Brenda's birthday or dad needs the oil changed in his car or (insert other easily avoidable task) - but because I am not at work it's easy for them to cancel childcare on that day. Friends who's parents do childcare while they're at work don't have this issue because their parents know that they can't just cancel at short notice. With respect, I do feel you're using this as an excuse because you want a few days off to yourself, and quite frankly I don't blame you! My kids go to nursery Thursday and Friday even though i'm a SAHM because I want some time to myself! But in your situation, working 5 nights a week and getting the absolute bare bones of sleep just isn't necessary. Work 3 full days and muddle through the sick days like everyone else does. The space in the flat is tomorrows problem, people live with much less space and you can get tiny little bedside cribs meaning you've got 1yr+ until you really feel like you absolutely MUST move.

It's not recommended for under sixes - definitely not the top bunk and not really the bottom either. www.rospa.com/home-safety/resources/policy-statements/child-safety

Have your baby OP!

Surely the solution is to move further out? And buy somewhere with another bedroom and space for you guys to wfh / or a study. Hopefully grand parents can travel to you if it's say 30/40 mins away, they will want to anyway to see their DGC.

Yes DH should try to find something higher paid, so many places offer hybrid working now, it's the norm.

There's been an announcement about 30 free hours for 1 and 2 year olds so that's definitely a positive!

What's your DH saying?

Also could you sell one of the cars or both and combine to get something bigger

Work your part-time hours during the day, not overnight when you’re meant to be sleeping. You can do life admin and go to the gym outside of daytime working hours (during weekday evenings and weekends). It’s crazy you’re both paying nursery fees just so you can do life admin, go to the gym and read a book during the day.

Ensure your DH is sharing the load re. parenting/childcare, housework and life admin. Your DH WFH 3 times pw, so he can pick up more of the slack on those 3 days and also on the weekend.

Sort out out your contraception.

Only you can make the decision to have another termination, so I won’t be offering any advice on that front.