I want three DC, I already have two, I’m pregnant… and I really don’t think I can keep it.

[ObstinateHeadstrongGirI]

(I’ve NC’d for this but if any of it sounds familiar please don’t go advanced searching and out me. TIA)

It’s a very long one as I feel I need to explain our situation fully. Help me wrap my head around this.

I have terminated one previous accidental pregnancy, 6 years ago, when DH and I were in no way practically or financially prepared to have a baby and I was on very shaky ground in terms of my mental health, having recently endured several long spells of depression which meant I kept losing jobs. Whilst it wasn’t a hugely emotional or difficult decision it wasn’t a pleasant experience, and certainly not one I had ever thought to repeat.

Anyway. Now.

I’m 37, DH is 38. We have two DC- 3 1/2 and 15 months. Both boys. Both took quite a long time TTC, ovulation tracking, lots of sex in FW, post coital legs in the air, pre-seed lubricant and all that nonsense.

DH works FT, 3 days from home, 2 in London. I work PT 9pm-2am five nights a week. I took the job with these hours so that I could earn some money without putting DC in full time childcare, I’ve been in the job 7 months. Household income mid-£60k’s I guess, maybe a little higher. We currently live in an expensive town in an expensive county. PILs recently relocated to live closer to us.

We live in a tiny (715 sq ft) two bedroom flat. Two days a week DH has to work from a desk next to our bed because there’s no space anywhere else. At night I work from the table in the sitting room. Our home is cramped and cluttered and not big enough for the four of us. Original plan was to start setting the ball rolling to move this time next year so we’re settled before DS1 starts school. Not sure where we’ll be moving to yet, it’s very much going to be dictated by our budget, but we’re hoping stay as close to where we are now as we can manage.

DC are with PILs one day a week, nursery two days a week. The other two weekdays I just have to survive, DH gets up with the DC and lets me sleep as long as possible before he starts work, and I have a few hours nap between him finishing work around 5ish and me starting work at 9.

DH and I are (and I can’t stress this enough) permanently exhausted and fairly stressed. Our boys are wonderful but currently at that age where they can’t seem to peacefully co-exist under the same roof, and most of our time is spent trying to stop one of them seriously injuring themselves or doing something that will make the other one scream.

DS2 in particular was such a difficult baby pretty much from the get go. Months and months of hardly getting any sleep, he was never content when he was awake, screamed constantly, we really really went through hell. To add to that hell my DM died suddenly when he was 8 weeks old. I’m not being glib when I say DH and I are a bit traumatised by everything we went through and I really don’t think we could go through that again.

Anyway. DH and I hardly ever have sex these days, we’re like ships passing in the night due to my working hours. We had sex ONCE in February, before my FW and didn’t take preventative measures because we’re fucking stupid, and honestly I thought it’d be ok because of how hard we tried to conceive the DC and how long it took, but what the hell do I know… DH asked me yesterday when my period was due, I checked and it was 3 days late (I hadn’t even realised) so I took a test, and got a BFP. And now I don’t know what the hell to do.

I want three DC. I have always wanted three DC. DH, for his part, had always been ambivalent but said we’ll see depending on finances etc, but after the nightmare we went through with DS2 has been leaning very heavily toward “we’re done”. And at the moment, our situation does not in any practical way lend itself to having a third child.

We cannot fit another baby in this flat. Literally. There isn’t space in our bedroom for a crib. There isn’t space in the DC’s room either- their cot beds are squished side by side and they’re not old enough for a bunk bed.

If there was no other option then we’d have to sell up and move as fast as humanly possible and god knows where we’d end up… certainly not anywhere that’s a handy 10 minute walk into town like we are now, most likely a tiny house in a village in the middle of nowhere.

I don’t know about DH’s car but mine definitely isn’t big enough for three car seats so we’d have to somehow buy a bigger one.

DH would have to leave his job and try and find a higher paid one which means he’d lose the flexibility he has now regarding his hours and office days and could end up having to go into London four or five days a week, so I would lose that bit of support he’s able to provide while he’s WFH.

I just qualify for mat pay at work but only for 6 months so would have to go back pretty quickly.

DS2 would be too young to qualify for funded childcare hours for another year (due date is 2 weeks before his 2nd birthday) and I wouldn’t want/we couldn’t afford to put another baby in nursery especially so young, so I would not have any rest time to myself, I would be even more exhausted than I am now and chances are my mental health would fall off a cliff…

But. But but but.

I so desperately want this baby.

I just don’t see how it can work.

I think you need to rethink work

now you are in this position then to terminate might be the worst option for you longer term

Agree sounds really mad to work nights so you can go to the gym and read childfree 3 days a week. That bit really stuck out to me.

I have 3 and ‘all’ feels sooooo much more than ‘both’. All the kids are ill, all the kids slept badly etc. It’s a lot.

But I would rather overhaul my life - move far far away, change jobs for both of you, convince PILs to follow you - then live with having aborted a desperately wanted baby. You don’t HAVE to live where you live. You can have a whole other life if you want, I guess!

What does your DH think. Obviously your body your choice, but since he noticed you were late he must have a opinion

If your dh laid cards on table with PIL, could they do a free house swap if their place is bigger?

Looking at it from an outsiders perspective and without the emotional side of it, I think I would terminate. The main points for that is that you have a long history of mental health issues, you sound really stressed as it is and your last one seem to have had a real impact on the family as it is. You can’t really afford another child, you also can’t fit another child where you live and it sounds like you would struggle to even afford to buy a big enough car. I think it would negatively impact your current kids when you have to split the little you have into 5 rather than 4.

Why do you think you want another child? Would you still want one if they turned out to be even more challenging than your youngest? Would you even be able to cope with that? I know having children is always a selfish decision, but I think you need to really consider your current kids in this and how they would cope if you were stretched even thinner.

Your lives sound exhausting and complicated. You are already stretched for time, money, space. Another baby will swallow up even more of those resources; it’s time to think about the children you already have, not the ‘I want three children’ daydream of what it will be like.

Younger execs also often have non working spouses - especially after kids. I’m betting one type of marriage tends to stay together more and it ain’t the working parents.

The reasearch clearly shows you are just plain wrong about this.

I think you should talk to PIL. Tell them you are pregnant and see what they say. Maybe an external perspective from someone who cares about you will be helpful. They may see options you cannot.

I think if you keep the baby then you need to move farther away from where you live and get a bigger place.

OP remember by the time your baby will be born you will have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. The eldest may even be about to start school or not far off from doing so. If you get 6 months maternity leave the eldest will be nearer 5 before you need to work again, and the youngest 2.5 years old, and hopefully both their immune systems will be stronger as they’re being exposed to everything now.

All 3 kids in main bedroom
buy a pull out sofa bed for lounge for u and dh
dh uses half of kitchen table to work from home ,or looks in to renting a working space somewhere
car ,u just swap.get an older bigger model
our car is 2005 ,it’s still going strong
if your already managing 2 kids in such a small space ,a tiny baby won’t make much difference for the first year of its life .
gives u time to sort something out
I had 3 kids under 3 ,I put them all in the master bedroom,made life a lot easier

Can you speed up the moving plans and go for a three bed house in a cheaper area? Stop working nights and use your childcare for work. See if DH can get a promotion or new job. Now is a good time for candidates.

Not really, because I’d get absolutely no time to myself at all

No that's madness. You'd work 3 full days, same hours as you are doing in crazily unsociable hours, and your DC would be in nursery. The other two days would be busy with them but you'd have nap time, evenings & weekends with DH there to do chores & get some time.

You've created an exhausting schedule unnecessarily.

Regarding your bigger question, you want a 3rd DC; I think you keep the baby & make practical adjustments.

1. As above to working hours
2. The DC can easily go in bunk beds, certainly by the time the baby comes.
3. Look for a new house. It may not happen in time for baby to arrive but hopefully soon thereafter.

Your issues re this pregnancy are mainly practical ones; however, I know you mention how hard DC2 is, so that is worth reflecting on with DH.

At its core, it's not about a third DC but how unnecessarily hard you are making life with your work pattern and living arrangements. I don't mean that harshly, just that these are issues that need to be addressed whether you have a 3rd DC or not.

Good luck 💐

You work nights so you can have 3 days for ‘life admin’ and the gym. WTF?

Most people with kids don’t get a lot of time to therselves. I agree that self care is important but that’s loads of time. You’d get a lot less if you throw another child into the mix.

I’m another one who thinks you’re mad (sorry) to work nights so you get time to yourself in the day. With such young children that is a luxury but you will get time to yourself as they get older!

I also agree that all the practicalities to me mean that you shouldn’t have another child. However- we terminated our fourth and I was absolutely devastated. We luckily managed to have another healthy pregnancy and have our four. I don’t think you’d ever get over it if you terminated.

Why have you always wanted three. With respect it sounds as if you are struggling with the two you have so what has made you want another.

time to yourself isnt easy with children and no time isn’t that unusual

I agree everything here just sounds hard adding a 3 rd could be catastrophic

Another poster has already asked you about your choice to not work on the three days child care you have….

Honestly, you are running on empty due to lack of sleep, which is why you are needing more you time. And it’s very privileged to have 3 days to yourself a week as a Mum of two young kids. Though do empathise that they can be off nursery at that age a lot.

At this point with your pregnancy, moving jobs wouldn’t be on, but it really would be worthwhile to look at different employment post maternity. Speak to the grandparents and ask if they could cover in the event of illness/emergency.

Jeremy Hunt is to announce expansion of free childcare which should solve a lot of your concerns in that area.

In short, as you want the third child and are already pregnant, I think you should prioritise moving and looking at changing both of your jobs to a more sensible/economical arrangement (post analysing childcare in light of more potential provision).

Really, you need to do this regardless of the third child, as the needs of the four of you are not being met by your current home/jobs.

Wish you all the best xo

Is there any chance that you really really want this baby because you have always thought you wanted 3? I wanted 4, had DC1 didn't really think too much about the timing or anything else for no.2 it was just a given that I would have another because that had always been the plan. Worked part time and did a child care swop 1 day a week with a child in age between my two. I realised then that more than 2 wouldn't work for us. Both DH & I are very committed people and usually when we commit to something including a plan we find it hard to walk away and change our minds. Sometimes changing your mind is the right thing to do. I'm sorry you're in such a quandary over what to do and hope whatever you decide that you can make peace with your decision whatever that might be.

Three full days to yourself is a luxury very few people, let alone parents of small children have. You wouldn't need to catch up on sleep if you slept at night. You can do laundry in the evening if you weren't working.

I agree children can be sick a lot but this is a really extreme solution to that.

It must be very physically demanding? How are you coping with the pregnancy in general? Are you feeling well?

Having this baby would be stupid. I can’t see how it’ll make an already difficult, cramped & exhausting life better in any way.
Yes you want this baby but I’m sure you also want more money, more sleep and enough space in your home to live.
You need to focus on getting a better job with better hours, moving home so that your children can have proper beds and your husband has space to work and then maybe revisit the idea.
a 3.5yo in a cotbed cannot last forever.

I have two, we both work, haven’t got loads spare at end of the month. We moved to a nice part of a cheaper area. My sibling lives in a more expensive area and your lives reminds me of theirs, stressful trying to keep up by living in a more expensive area. Perhaps have a think about where you could move to.

This sounds very hard, but I would lean towards keeping a baby if you really want it. I think that sort of regret would cause a lot of additional problems.

I would also say, that with the age gaps you are looking at, things will be very hard but will also get easier quite quickly. Phases seem to last a long time and then suddenly disappear in a way that lingers when there are larger gaps between the children.

If you want to have any resemblence of normal life with or without 3rd baby you need to go back to a normal work and put your kids in the childcare full time.. You know, like the majority allover the world do. Financial circumstances like anything else should be a factor in decision making whether to have a baby or not. If you are dead set on having 3 children (why?) then I wouldn't terminate esp given you had difficulty conceiving before.

Can you move? You say you’d end up in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. But you also said you live in a very expensive area. Can’t you move to somewhere cheaper? Other places have good transport links too.
Also agree you need to rethink your working pattern and work whilst the children are in childcare. That’s what everyone else does.

Do you have the resources for a third baby?

And I don’t just mean financial but also your mental and emotional health and the time and energy you have for your existing DC and your relationship with your DH.