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Original poster

Teenage daughter can't stand to be touched by her parents

114 replies

Ky2 · 13/03/2023 12:55

My daughter hates any physical contact with me. She rejects any kind of affection from me. She cringes at the slightest touch from me for whatever reason. She's much the same with her Dad but she greets all her friends with hugs. She started rejecting my hugs and affection around 12/13 years old and it's only gotten worse. She's now almost 19.
I had reluctantly accepted that she just doesn't like touch - until at her 18th birthday party I saw happy to hug all her friends.

Tonight she fell and hurt herself and was crying. Naturally I ran to comfort her. Knowing she would reject a hug I put my hand lightly on her shoulder. She cringed away from my touch and gave me such a look of loathing. This is how it always is and it breaks my heart every time that I can't comfort her and she seems to hate me.
My husband says the fact that she likes to watch TV with me and talk my ear off about the cat is proof that she doesn't hate me. But then if I try to hug her or touch her hair she acts like I'm a vile leper.

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booksahoy · 13/03/2023 12:57

I'll be interested in replies too. My DD15 is like this with me and it does hurt 😟

ShiverOfSharks · 13/03/2023 12:59

Your daughter's physical boundaries are her physical boundaries. She has a right to embrace only those who she wants to embrace, and it's very common for teenagers to go through a phase of disdain for their parents.

I'm with your DH. She clearly doesn't hate you. She just doesn't want to hug you right now. Quite likely it makes her feel infantilised at a time she wants to establish herself as an independent adult. Very likely it will wear off in time. Keep your cool, respect her boundaries, and don't take it personally unless you want to do further damage to your relationship.

Smartiepants79 · 13/03/2023 12:59

How odd. Have you actually asked about her response to you. At 19 I’d expect her to be able to understand that her behaviour is hurtful to you.
Not wanting physical contact is her choice in the end I guess but this sounds like more.
I think you need to ask her if she can explain why she responds to you in this way.

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QuertyGirl · 13/03/2023 13:00

There's possibly been some negative physical contact.

Mushroo · 13/03/2023 13:02

Maybe she just doesn’t like physical contact and feels comfortable enough with you to show her true feelings.

She might be hugging her friends but only because it’s socially expected if they all do it but she actually hates it - essentially masking her true feelings.

Axahooxa · 13/03/2023 13:03

I’d say this is normal and may well change as she goes into her 20s.

Hugs from friends and hugs from family are different. I wouldn’t feel bad about it if you have an otherwise good relationship.

Cakeandslippers · 13/03/2023 13:04

Mushroo · 13/03/2023 13:02

Maybe she just doesn’t like physical contact and feels comfortable enough with you to show her true feelings.

She might be hugging her friends but only because it’s socially expected if they all do it but she actually hates it - essentially masking her true feelings.

Came here to say this as this is exactly what I was like, and why I was like it.

wossgoinon · 13/03/2023 13:04

My daughter was like this. It was like I had fleas or something . Now at 23 she doesn’t leave me alone. Even stroked my hair!! I was so shocked when it happened! Now she constantly texts me and when we meet up she is full of cuddles. I have no idea what happened but I am enjoying it 🥰

MiniDinosaur · 13/03/2023 13:06

Mushroo · 13/03/2023 13:02

Maybe she just doesn’t like physical contact and feels comfortable enough with you to show her true feelings.

She might be hugging her friends but only because it’s socially expected if they all do it but she actually hates it - essentially masking her true feelings.

This. My DC18 is autistic and hates to be touched or hugged, but will ‘mask’ with friends

DifficultBloodyWoman · 13/03/2023 13:08

Cakeandslippers · 13/03/2023 13:04

Came here to say this as this is exactly what I was like, and why I was like it.

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Yes. Me too. As I got older, I realised how tough it was for my mum and made an effort with hugs and touching with her. Sometimes I would still flinch but I tried not to as I understood how that made her feel but it was incredibly difficult.

Reallybadidea · 13/03/2023 13:09

I was like this with my parents, I still am. I don't know exactly why and I'm not saying that it's the same for your daughter, but it was a reflection on our relationship. Lots of arguments and being told how awful I was. Why would I want them to hug me the rest of the time?

Fizbosshoes · 13/03/2023 13:11

My 16 year old DD is like this she flinches at hugs and physical contact - from anyone. She doesnt hug her friends and she very reluctantly tolerates hugs from DHs family who we don't see very often.
She asks me to comb her hair when she's washed it and we watch TV together as long as my arm or leg doesn't touch hers on the sofa , so that's as close as we get. I wanted to hug her when she got her gcse results but she didn't want one, I get a hug for my birthday!

Peckhaminn · 13/03/2023 13:12

My brother was very much like this and still is even now. Hates hugging/kissing with family members. No reason for it just doesn't like affection.

Comedycook · 13/03/2023 13:12

I think it's fairly normal with teens but at 19, I think that sounds more unusual

Sleepwhatsthazzz · 13/03/2023 13:15

I hate physical touch from my parents unless a stressful situation l, like when one was diagnosed with cancer. Growing up I probably did hug my friends and to outsiders looked OK but I hated it. My parents probably didn't see that but surprisingly my friends picked up on it and used to try and 'freak me out, in a friendly way, not to make me upset and I never was upset, I always saw the funny side' by dancing close to me or trying to hug me. I'd say this isn't intentional to you. I ring my parents multiple times a day, but I'm not a huggy touchy person. (unless it is my kids and I hug them all day long and they are stuck to me like glue)

ShirleyPhallus · 13/03/2023 13:15

This was me as a teen too. I hated cuddles but like hugs.

MirabelMax · 13/03/2023 13:17

My son is 16 and has been like this for a while. Although I don't think he hugs his friends particularly.

I absolutely respect his physical boundaries and don't think it says anything bad about our relationship. He's chatty and good company otherwise.

I do find it hard though. I think it can be quite a strong instinct as a mum to have that physical contact. It's not like I want to pop him on my lap or anything but it would be a nice to have a quick hug or be able to pop my arm round his shoulders once in a while.

Fluffleupagus · 13/03/2023 13:18

I'm like this with my DM and I'm a grown adult! I think for me it's because she wasn't physically affectionate with me at all when I was small, so as I grew older it felt very unnatural and uncomfortable for me and still does. What hasn't helped is that over the years it's become a bit of a loaded issue, so the more she wants to hug me, the more I withdraw. On the occasions it does happen she tends to cling to me and try and make it feel all meaningful, and I really really struggle with that, so I tend to try and make it brief and casual.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/03/2023 13:19

My DD is not a hugger. She liked a cuddle up until around 10 years old and now we do a comedy air kiss each time we see eachother. She's nearly 25 now and no longer lives at home. She'd definitely reject me if I tried to hug her so I don't. We have a great relationship and she is kind and generous but she just doesn't want to be hugged. I don't let it bother me, it's her choice.

Qwertyfudge · 13/03/2023 13:21

Isn’t this some kind of developmental thing that happens to stop adolescents being attracted to family members? You get the extreme ick so you don’t want to shag them! I think most people grow out of it eventually

bengalcat · 13/03/2023 13:21

I didn’t hug or kiss my parents either - loved them both dearly though - kiss my partner and animals

Hoppinggreen · 13/03/2023 13:24

DD18 has never been a fan of physical contact, I always ask permission before hugging her. It’s just who she is. I don’t take it personally
DS14 is still a bit of a cuddle monster though and always has been, as a baby he spent several months attached to me like a koala unless he was asleep. He was I’ll a few weeks ago and wanted hugs etc all the time

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2023 13:26

I'm not a hugger, neither is my brother. And DD is carrying in my footsteps even though I've always hugged her.

Some people just aren't huggers. Drives my friend round the twist. She'd hug a lamppost if she had to.

Teenage daughter can't stand to be touched by her parents

BanditsGravyStain · 13/03/2023 13:28

Cakeandslippers · 13/03/2023 13:04

Came here to say this as this is exactly what I was like, and why I was like it.

Show quote history

Me too. I hated the emotional pressure that hugs from parents came with.

35965a · 13/03/2023 13:30

I think this is quite normal. I dislike hugs. If my friends go for a hug I’ll hug them because it’s socially expected but I won’t initiate ever and I disliked physical touch from my family in my teen years. Still do now.

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