Sensible cut off age for a man to father children?

[James637]

Question…

What age do you think is the latest a man should have children? People say 45 is the cut off really as you would be 65 when the child is 20. I’m 34 and worried I’m running out of time as not even in relationship! 🙈

I think it's the same for men as it is for women, occasionally you get women giving birth over 45 but it's not common.

The average age of first marriage in the UK is now 31. The average age of having your firsf child is similar. So OP you are only just over the average age now. All of the women in my NCT group when I had my first child were older than you.

I would stop worrying about these hypotheticals and - if you want children - concentrate your efforts in finding someone who you think will be a good partner and father. Or, consider having a baby on your own.

my dh is 50 not sure he would have the same in-depth attachment as he did at 35 with a 5 yr old

Can't see it matters that much for men. Obviously not 90

45 absolute maximum. Ideally 40.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I’m just panicking!

Is there anyone here who didn’t have children because they didn’t meet someone in time?? How do you feel about life? Do you feel something is missing or did you adjust?

Are you interested in relationships with women? Procreation involves women.

Whether it's the right time or too late for you, doesn't define the whole picture in isolation. Is it too late/early for the (imaginary) her? Is she already done with having kids? Can't have children? Doesn't want any at all? Doesn't want them with you?

Are you projecting this fulfilment on to some future imaginary kids to excuse a lack of meaningful achievement in your life until then? Like kicking a can of own-happiness down the road.

If you really want kids, go date and settle down. You won't know it until you try it.
I'm one and done on the kids front. Maybe that's the fulfilment - I'm full up, at peace and can go and find something else worthwhile to accomplish (need to install new fence posts... ) 😁

OP, as a man in your early 30s who actively wants kids you are a prime catch!

And you have loads of time!

Good luck!

My FIL was 46 when he had his first child. He and MIL had 8 children in the end…

My father in law was almost 62 when his 3rd child was born my DH half brother has 32 years between them. FIL, a fit and healthy man died at 75 leaving his DS 14 , 46 and 49 year old DC. I think it was hardest for the teenager

I hadn't seen your age , you are still so young , please don't let this worry dominate your life , just when you least expect it ,just what you least expect .
I have often found this to be true.

I think it depends whether they’ve already had children, if so, be wary if they are over 40. They might be willing to trade their ‘older’ wife for a younger one, but don’t really want more kids if they are doing this. They are probably escaping family life and wanting to feel younger themselves.

It is not that common imho that a man can have a second family and emotionally and financially support both. One set or more usually suffers.

A work colleague was 50. He seems to cope fine, but his wife does the lions share.

Honestly, I think it's an impossible question to answer in a generic sense.

Health I'd say is a bigger concern than age.

A fit man in his fifties I'd argue is better placed for fatherhood than a very unfit smoking/overweight man in their thirties for example, including in respect of life expectancy.

Ultimately I think you need to think about the person rather than the age.

Do they already have children? How old are they? How would you feel about being a step mother? If they don't why not? Late bloomer or George Clooney type?

Young parents can be shit parents - the same in reverse.

I think having a good parent for less time is far better than the alternative of having a shitty parent for longer.

All that said, I absolutely do question men having children into their sixties and let's face it, most of them that do are very wealthy with women half their age.

The trade off there is pretty clear and it's not the child's best interests that are central.

I’d say 45 maximum.

DH and I both lost our fathers young, my dad was 65 when he died and FIL was 59 when he died, I wish we’d had them longer but we were both only in our 30s when they died.

DH and I had our children young in our mid to late 20s and we’re now 43 and 44 with teenagers, I can’t imagine having newborns and toddlers at our age!

I would say for a man,
Say midd 40s age group, at a push latest at the extreme end,

Having a re think I think early 40s for male better more, ideal
Purely cause you are as a male likely to be around until your child is grown up,

Also obviously being a older parent likely to have health issues or feel like 🐌 slowing down and maybe struggle keep up with demands of family life much more

DH was 46 when our first was born, 51 when our second was born and I am pregnant again and all being well he will be 52. I am in my 30's. Just on the autism point. Yes there is a higher risk with older parents but I know plenty with autistic children who were fairly young when they had them. Same goes with Downs syndrome.

I meant to say, the fathers in the NCT group were either a similar age to the mothers or up to 5 years older.

I'm wondering why your post is about worry about fathers' ages specifically? Is it that you have met someone who you would think might be a good life partner and father but you worry they're too old? But then are worried if you break it off with them, will you find someone else in time? Just speculating but unsure why your post was focused on the age of fathers. Or is it about setting OLD age parameters?

Ultimately it matters far more to have children with a good person, who is committed to you, kind, able to communicate, has respect for women and will expect to contribute to raising children as an equal partner financially and physically, than what their age is. Some people seem ancient at 45, some are young and active in their 70s. Some unexpectedly die young despite being fit and healthy and some who have led very unhealthy lifestyles will live into old age. Such is life, there are no guarantees. It sounds like you do really want children so if you have found a person you trust, who is honest and kind and committed then I would have children sooner rather than later and not get hung up on their age.

The only caveat to that is if he is 20 years older than you or whatever! There is obviously a need to apply some common sense! 🤣 But given your age, unless you're dating people who are old enough to be your father and on the verge of retirement, I don't think you need to worry about this.

The reverse could also be true jn that your more able to have flexibility rather than scheduled due to having kids ect

@James637 although I expect you'll have moments of joy, then the rest will be stress, survive, and repeat and hope in the end by some miracle the kids turn out ok.

There are risks for the child with increasing paternal age, and obviously ideally you’d want to be around as they grow up. But realistically neither of those things are assured anyway. Personally it’s not having a young child thats the problem but the thought of teenagers in your 60s!
i Think when people get together older they tend to move quicker as they’re more sure what they want. Agree it’s a numbers game, try and get out socialising as much as possible

Also keep in kind that people increasingly split from marriages in their 30s, so as you get a little older there may be more potential dates!

It sounds like you've always thought children would be part of your life and that's how I've always felt. I think in your situation I would give myself until 40 to see what happens relationship wise and if nothing did I would look at adoption because for me personally I don't think my life would feel complete without children to share it with. Like someone said previously a man in his 30s who openly says he wants children would be a catch to the majority of women so there's definitely time.

Loads of ageism as always on these threads.

The key question is how healthy is he? Lots of people in their sixties and seventies are fit and active, and still working. (I'm in my sixties, work long hours in a demanding job, and can still keep up with my teenager walking up mountains.)
If he's obese and inactive that is a lot less likely to be the case.