Mums net is toxic

[christmasmagic]

Does anybody find that there's a lot of users on mums net that use the platform to not really want to give good advice and help each other as mams? But more to anonymously judge and make other women feel crap about what majority of people off the platform deem normal...

Obv not everyone hence the post. But I downloaded this app as a young new parent with the intent of finding good advice or reassurance but I honestly think it does more harm than good. Seems to be a toxic online community for mams and a lot of people take advantage of being anonymous to spread negativity.

Anybody else think mums net is quite toxic?

Well yes, the majority of parents do have rather high standards for raising children because that is in the child’s best interest… to be raised by parents that have enough standards to ensure they have a good childhood and aren’t damaged by said parents. That isn’t toxic or mean, perhaps you’re feeling attacked though because you don’t have those standards in place and dislike feeling like you’re not doing a great job at parenthood.

Sometimes it can be truly awful - but I do think there can be worth in the no nonsense advice often given on here that often people in real life will be thinking but won't say to keep the peace.

I think it’s very variable.

Also that rather than being toxic, MN has been proud to ‘say it like it is’ wo gloves and it can feel aggressive at times. Sometimes, it’s downright unhelpful because it gets posters back up and instead of thinking ‘oh a different pov.that’s interesting’, they just want to prove their point etc… (true for the OP and subsequent posters btw).

I do feel everything has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Some stuff is very far from what actually happens in RL. Some people project too. And some stuff is simply what people WISH they’d say or do but never would!

As fur standards are high in MN, I’d say that appeared standards are high. That’s what people think is best. What they wish they would do etc… in an ideal world. I don’t believe for one second that posters do all the things they say they do 100% of the time.

Look at that thread here which I think is very much in similar lines than yours.

Here

It's a weird place, you have to learn what's bollocks and what's sensible and take it all with a pinch of salt. I'll never forget one of my first posts asking for advice when I was pregnant as our neighbours in our (rented) house smoked a lot of weed and you could smell it when windows were open, through the chimney etc. First reply was "should you be having a baby in a rented house?"

If that poster is still active and recognises themselves, rest assured that we do now live in a house which we own with a mortgage, like good respectable folks. We still have weed-smoking neighbours though!

I agree to a certain extent. Many times I’ve posted on here or looked at other people’s posts to get advice and mostly people give excellent advice. I’ve got some great tips here. But although it can be really great on the whole there are always a few posters who want to tear you down a strip and because I have generally quite low self esteem and confidence it’s those that stay with me and play on my mind. I think you need a thick skin if you’re going to ask for advice on here. AIBU is a particularly savage board to post anything on!

I find sometimes people get a dislike about someone and everyone piles on. Then someone will post more or less the same thing and everyone is nice about it. I wonder if the first few answers set the tone for the rest of the thread?

It's not toxic to have different standards, you get a range of responses on here which I like. It makes you think. You can always respond to the ones which chime with your parenting style and ignore the ones which don't.

Yes I think that does happen a bit OneCup. But often if something is getting one-sided, other posters will come on to counter it after a while. I think this is better on balance than sites which allow all kinds of anonymous react or vote to make responses seem very polarised. Your argument is allowed to stand up by itself.

There are arseholes everywhere including here.

However I feel this is the only female forum where users feel they can be factual and direct. Other places there is a lot of 'hun', 'sweetheart', 'if you don't mind me saying' and 'be kind' tone policing. Some people/pearl clutchers will interpret that as aggressive and judgy.

Not explaining it well.

What I mean is, if you're expecting a mum's forum to be fluffy, cuddly and unconditionally on your side, then this isn't the place for you.

Not really, no. Had endless support over the years and offered support in return. Sometimes have differences of opinion and there the very few unpleasant characters, but largely a positive and welcoming place in my experience.

Asking for help on here is like going to a 1930s asylum. Can't beat it for entertainment though.

It's quite reasonable to have high standards for parenting, isn't it?

I've had my arse handed to me on Mumsnet and NC out of sheer embarrassment. But when that happened, it made think about whether I was, in fact, completely misguided. That was a good thing. Worrying about the tone of the responses ultimately wasn't a fruitful approach.

make other women feel crap about what majority of people off the platform deem normal

it definitely can be robust but not all subjects attract the same kind of posters. I can’t imagine anyone on the gardening threads being described as vipers ( unless you’re contemplating laying fake grass). I do take issue with your comments about “what the majority of people deem normal”. What you mean is what you deem normal - you don’t speak for the majority even if your group of friends are in agreement with you. Sometimes it’s tough to hear that other people don’t share your views. There are of course other websites if you want to hear “ a happy mum means a happy baby” or similar platitudes so maybe there’s something about approval here which is important to you.

Completely agree.

You're still in the paddling-pool of parenting. Just ankle deep. Before you learn to swim you'll get splashed, pushed over by big waves, find you're out of your depth. You'll maybe appreciate then that when someone is sinking, kind words and sympathy won't save them from drowning.

A lot of people here have far longer, deeper, wider, tougher experience of parenting and life than you do.

When your baby is older you'll find that very often it's in their best interest for you to say "NO, don't do that ! That is dangerous and will harm you. Keep away from that person. Stop messing about and pull your socks up."

There aren't many other places you'll get such robust answers, which is what we all need sometimes no matter how much it bruises our egos

If you want hunnery there are Other Places

Overall, I agree. Posters will grab the opportunity to kick someone while they're down and dress it up as constructive criticism. There are some real nasty pieces of work on here.

This.

I don't think mn is "toxic". I think people are very honest with their advice and that can only be a good thing.

If all you want is for someone to be approving and nice then this is definitely not the place for you.

We are vipers not “mams” but there is lots of support offered on here, to the extent that occasionally a moderator pops up to remind people not to give more than they can afford to lose.
There are other sites if you want to be called hun and not have your view on life challenged.

I don't think mn is "toxic". I think people are very honest with their advice and that can only be a good thing.

This reminds me so much of people on Facebook who post stuff like 'people call me a massive bellend all the time but I'm just opinionated.'

I think it depends where you post. AIBU and the step parenting board are awful as standard.

Relationships is hit and miss. I've seen people have incredible support and guidance and others torn to shreds over nothing. Same with teenagers and legal matters.

@bellac11 - well, thank goodness we don't have a log burner, or I was going to get a 100% score in the shoddy parenting department!

Would you walk up your local high street and ask random strangers for advice?
All posts on MN should be treated with a healthy amount of scepticism.
Why do you think that everyone is anonymous and wary of being outed?