Mums net is toxic

[christmasmagic]

Does anybody find that there's a lot of users on mums net that use the platform to not really want to give good advice and help each other as mams? But more to anonymously judge and make other women feel crap about what majority of people off the platform deem normal...

Obv not everyone hence the post. But I downloaded this app as a young new parent with the intent of finding good advice or reassurance but I honestly think it does more harm than good. Seems to be a toxic online community for mams and a lot of people take advantage of being anonymous to spread negativity.

Anybody else think mums net is quite toxic?

What I've also noticed is, if you go against the grain, you'll soon be on the receiving end of a complete pile on. Why do grown adults struggle with a different viewpoint to the extent that they feel the need to twist words and make personal comments? It's absolutely bizarre.

MN has always been known as more robust than the other place.
There are more trolls about now too and the mods aren't keeping up with them but if you ignore the trolls and avoid the obviously goady threads then there is a wealth of good advice and wise women on here. Overall I'd say it's one of the least toxic places for women online.

"High expectations of parenting" are a good thing, although can feel like a personal insult if it's not what you are doing.

Remember that tone can get lost too with typed posts. What someone meant as helpful can be read as patronising by someone else, or light hearted as OTT.

It's all completely varied anyway. If everyone is agreeing then that's a clear sign it's probably an important issuer, as it rarely happens!

Most mums I've seen are actually nice.

ive found that people are so quick to bash others down and say things so harshly that they would never say in real life.

It is very nasty. There is alot of name calling too.

I just try and say nice things and I never say anything that I think will make someone feel bad. If enough of us go out our way to make people feel good then it balances out the bad ones.

I think there are kind ways to disagree with a poster and people forget that.

Yes. It's really toxic especially if you don't share the same beliefs as some others. People do an advanced search and use it to attack you for your beliefs, even when it's nothing to do with the thread. Really nasty. They only non toxic place is the Litter tray. That's lovely.

Yes it definitely can be, over the years I've learned to not care as much. I've also taken breaks in the past when I feel it's not having a positive impact on me. You have to remember that people who get off on putting others down are not happy within their own lives.

Hello, Snob

If you not from the UK and you try to give advice which isn't following the UK guide, they tear you apart. (YES, it might come as a shock but babies survive outside the UK too!)

The hypocrisy is also crazy here. They say things here that they would never do to their children or say it in person.

I did really struggle with this for while but I just learned not to care.

It takes all sorts to make this world and I think the internet reflects that.

There are some nasty, toxic people who come here and make nasty, toxic comments. Personally, I don’t take it on board. I’ve learned to skip over those comments. Sometimes I will challenge them and sometimes I will report them.

There are also some really kind and supportive people. There are some strong and intelligent people too. And some witty and outrageous ones too.

There are also some armchair amateur psychologists who like to diagnose people based on very limited information and that can be annoying.

Sometimes a genuinely qualified person will come along and give their advice and usually you can tell because it’s quite balanced, informative, factual and helpful.

There are people who don’t seem to have read the op properly and get carried away by their own assumptions. To use your thread about you coming home from a night shift and taking a 4-5 hour nap while your partner looks after the baby but also uses some of that time to work and supervises the baby while your baby plays with their toys by themselves as an example.

I think people read the 4-5 hours nap as 4-5 hours straight where baby is entertaining themselves with little to no interaction, then got carried away with how damaging that would be. They failed to see that you also wrote that during your 4-5 hour nap your partner gives baby breakfast (that could take 30minutes approximately) changes nappies, baby had a nap during that time (naps can vary from 1-2 hours) and partner also sits at a table positioned so he can watch and talk to the baby playing in a safe place with their toys while he gets some work done. He also lets baby watch a t.v. show.

Some people read baby left to play by themselves for 4-5hours, abandoned, neglected.

Some people read baby settled and content to play by themselves for a bit.

I think sometimes people just misread something or get the wrong end of the stick. And some of those will be willing to be corrected when the op or pp clarifies and some will refuse to accept that they made a mistake or misread something.

It’s full of left wing activists for a start.

Yes it’s often toxic @christmasmagic , it happens for a few reasons.

People often feel powerless in their own lives I think, they might not be listened to by anyone in their family or friend group so this forum gives them an opportunity to make grand pronouncements and feel important. one hint of this is how many people are on the forum all day more or less, important, busy people don’t have all day usually (I’m not judging them , I’ve been there, but it’s worth remembering this when you get very cruel feedback).

Another reason it becomes toxic is if you’ve been on here a while you start to see the same sort of posts come up again and again. This seems to lead to exasperation at giving the same advice repeatedly (this is not a real issue as its all different people asking for similar advice but it can feel like it’s all coming from one source) or paranoia that the OP is a fake of some sort. I think people get jaded and impatient and take it out on the OP.

The irony is that the people who engage in intense shaming about other people’s poor parenting choices are just the sorts of parents whose children you feel most sorry for. That judgemental cruelty will likely turn on their children at some stage when they fail to meet their standards.

So feel sorry for the people who make you miserable on here, their cruelty to you is probably going to end up sabotaging them as they try to hold on to the things that they hold dear.

There’s plenty of men on here (myself included).
It’s a very inclusive community, which is best celebrated rather than questioned

I agree with @ShillyShallySherbet
I also think of course you’re going to get different opinions and sometimes that can be hard to hear but a different opinion doesn’t mean you should be rude and mean. I remember reading a thread the other day about how often do you shower with a newborn. Some people were cruel on there. Saying those who don’t shower every day are rank and dirty. Imagine reading that as a new mum, with a high needs baby, whilst suffering from postnatal depression. It’s fine to have a different opinion but I think you should be kind in getting that view across.

Totally agree with you. Ironically, it is the parents section/topics that are the worst. It also seems to be pro-C sections, anti-breast feeding, and pro co sleeping.
It really bothers me when someone asks for advice on breastfeeding (and obviously fed is best) then 90% of the responses are telling them to formula feed. Or someone asking about sleep training then getting attacked. It's messed up. 😕

Just to add...never, ever admit to being a step-mother, especially if you are having issues with the SDC's.

What do you mean by “it also seems to be pro-C section”?

Yes, I don't understand that comment either. 1/3 births are via c-section. It would be quite odd for mothers to be against them.

I do agree it's got anti-breastfeeding though. Maybe because I don't use the BF threads any more which were so educational, evidence based and supportive (thanks to TikTok and other posters) so just see BF chat on AIBU

There can sometimes be nasty posts, but when you say OP "what majority of people off the platform deem normal" I actually think that's one of the real benefits of Mumsnet. It's so easy to stay in a bubble with people who have the same experiences and think the same way but here you're exposed to a real range of life experiences and opinions.

As with all things… the dose makes the poison

being over invested in what online strangers think is bad for your mental health, getting a broad spectrum of opinions about an incident in your life that you saw through your eyes can be hugely helpful

Ah of course because different things hit different nerves for different people. I try and stand up for mils because I don’t think people realise that in 15 years they’ll be in the exact same situation- my eldest is 15 and no doubt in a few years there’ll be someone saying he’s a manchild because he wants to have a cooked dinner at home etc etc. Or a gp because someday people will say me helping out may be construed as butting in! I also find the trans hate horrible because at the heart of it is a human being who realised they want to change something because it didn’t make them comfortable in their own skin. I think if you live on Aibu you’ll find it toxic, but actually there’s fab fun threads, helpful parenting and cleaning advice, pet advice, and the beauty section is so good, especially for those of us with skin conditions

I agree. I think some people obviously enjoy giving someone a righteous telling off. But it’s the same on any social media.

I agree. MN used to be much more supportive. On every thread now, there is always an element of trolling. People with nothing better to do.

The oddest posts are from child free people posting on threads about parenting and saying something like, ‘this is why I’m so happy I don’t have children’. Oh, ok then

I think it’s quite a mix. I’ve seen wonderful support and vicious comments. I do think many women here are quite intellectual and can sometimes over-intellectualise “this is the best approach” on various topics, and spout theory at people rather than engage with their struggles. That’s sad.

But I also like that there’s robust discussion of different viewpoints and sometimes groups of women experience this social pressure to all agree and be nice (even if we don’t agree inside). I like in a way that we get to see what’s underneath for people rather than the ‘be nice’ veneer. Women are so much more than that.

I’m deliberately not mentioning men on here btw, I always experience them as intruders and don’t appreciate them being here.

Totally agree. Sometimes I come across really old threads and there’s a very strong contrast to recent years, everyone was so nice on the old threads!