Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Can't stop obsessing over whether to have a 3rd child

80 replies

Ilovechocolate87 · 21/02/2023 22:49

Abit of background; I'm 35, mummy to 2 lovely girls aged 5 (nearly 6) and 15mths.Ever since my youngest was born i just constantly debate in my head whether I should have another one....i didn't get the feeling of definitely being 'done' after having DD2, although i don't feel like i desperately want another baby right now by any means, but its like I have this pressing need to be able to make a permentant decision either way in order to calm my head! But i just don't feel like I can.

I am so happy with our two wonderful girls who we've been blessed to have, and have tried convincing myself with making lists of reasons not to have another. There are many 'what if' ones and reasons which would mean it may not be ideal but would be doable, but no major no's such as previous high risk pregnancies or DH not being on board (he is happy to go along with either option) I can't currently invisage going through pregnancy, birth and disturbed nights (which I'm still in the thick of as both mine have been night owl babies!) all over again anytime soon,but then I wouldn't have done at this stage with DD1 either.I would never want less than a 3 year age gap between children personally, so if we did have another i would be 36/37.

I recently tested the water selling/giving away afew baby bits which I thought might help give me closure on having babies and help me feel more sure, but it has just made me feel worse and also made me ruminate over the decision even more!

I don't know if because of my age its hormone related, and also maybe because I knew we would definitely want 2 but never really thought past that.One thing I will say is that becoming a mum was all I ever wanted from a very young age....I have never really had many hobbies, or felt a need to progress alot in my career, although i like my job its not my main focus in life.I 'lived it up' in my 20s and still socialise lots, but most of my friends have children now too.I don't feel i'm missing out and desperate to 'get my life back' as some do.

Any tips how I can pleeeaaassse stop constantly obsessing over this whenever my mind isn't occupied with anything else....at least until we would be ready to try for another (if we ever are!)

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Moonicorn · 21/02/2023 22:56

Well, why not? There’s never a ‘good reason’ to have a baby, either you want one or you don’t, it’s an emotional decision. It sounds like you enjoy being a mum and feel you could manage, so I say go ahead and have another!

PutItInTheFuckingBasket · 21/02/2023 22:59

I wonder if you could use the "worry time" technique from CBT, where you set aside a specific time for worrying (and then end up not doing so, because it's often not about the thing itself but some sort of anxiety latching on to something specific)

Considering you don't want to have less than a 3 year gap, you don't have to make any sort of decision for another year at least, so every time you start thinking about it, just tell yourself "nope, I'm not allowed to worry about this until Feb 2024".

Just leave the option available (ie don't chuck out the baby stuff), and revisit when you'd actually be at the point where you'd want to ttc if you decide to go ahead.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 23:02

It's hormonal.

As a parent of three I would highly discourage anyone from trying for a third.

Learn to enjoy what you have, their needs get more so as they get bigger.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families General parenting
Sostressed1234 · 21/02/2023 23:04

Why don’t you give yourself a bit of a break from thinking about it - it’s so hard I know we were the same going backwards & forwards on a 2nd. Maybe try getting a hobby as you say or do something to take your mind off it ie some mental headspace. Just may help to clear you mind & help your decision. As you said you’re not ready now so just enjoy life & see how things change over the next 6 months to a year x

Lmgify · 21/02/2023 23:04

I’m with you, my second is just about to turn one and I’ve been thinking I would love another one. However I had horrific pregnancies and births so I think number 3 is out of the question for me. It still doesn’t help with the feeling that our family is not quite complete though

MKD1 · 21/02/2023 23:06

I feel like you have literally written exactly what I'm going through. Have 2 kids, always wanted 3! Me and hubby both been talking about and are still undecided. Like you we have sold some bits and bobs....

But the cot is still in our room currently being used as storage!! Storage of all other baby things as we are having a huge clear out. My heart doesn't want to get rid of it 'just In case' we just don't know what to do.

I did suggest to get a dog instead, but hubby said not yet! I'm 33 so would like to finally get through this and decide.

I feel you, honestly I do!

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 23:07

Go for it x

Sulkyatforty · 22/02/2023 05:01

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 23:02

It's hormonal.

As a parent of three I would highly discourage anyone from trying for a third.

Learn to enjoy what you have, their needs get more so as they get bigger.

Why would you discourage anyone from having a third? Just interested :)

RedRobin100 · 22/02/2023 05:44

a) Cost of living crisis
B) Childcare costs / (in)ability of grandparents to help with more kids
[c) a new car for 3 car seats?!]

those are my main reasons.

I’m 38. I have 2 boys (2,5 and 10m). I often feel like 3 would feel complete but I also want out of baby/toddler stage which has been intense!

I would love a girl, but guaranteed I’d have another boy if we tried for that and I think that’s the “risk” I don’t want to take given a and b above.

Having said that, with your 1st a bit older, maybe you’d find a 3rd more manageable now. I would find it too hard with two toddlers and I’d be wanting to go now like if we decided to given my age.

Fucket · 22/02/2023 05:57

I felt the urge to have 3, I don’t regret it for one moment. I call her my bonus baby, I liken the window of opportunity to have her being like when Indiana Jones has to roll underneath the sliding wall and quickly grab his hat before it’s lost forever.

I knew if I didn’t have my youngest when I did, I would never want to go back to nappies, night feeds, and all the hassle of taking babies on school runs etc.

the other option is to get a dog, that seems to be what other mums I know do who get broody, especially when the youngest goes to school.

Deep in your heart you will know your answer.

Dyslexicwonder · 22/02/2023 06:20

Hello from the otherside. I/We didn't go for number 3 for to be honest mostly boring financial/ pratical reasons (we live in an area with appaling secondary schools and wanted to keep the option of going private, it was 2008onwards and DHs job is/was precarious) somedays it makes me a little bit sad, but I count my blessings with 2 wonderful nearly adult children. As we didn't have a third we are able to help with Uni costs and do exciting adult holidays which would be possible if we had a 10yo now.

CAJIE · 22/02/2023 06:28

You have two.This must be time consuming.is there nothing else yiou want to do with your life? You could perhsps fostet in a few years time which would help society and teach yout kids valuable life lessons.Why add to the world because of hormones?

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 06:57

PutItInTheFuckingBasket · 21/02/2023 22:59

I wonder if you could use the "worry time" technique from CBT, where you set aside a specific time for worrying (and then end up not doing so, because it's often not about the thing itself but some sort of anxiety latching on to something specific)

Considering you don't want to have less than a 3 year gap, you don't have to make any sort of decision for another year at least, so every time you start thinking about it, just tell yourself "nope, I'm not allowed to worry about this until Feb 2024".

Just leave the option available (ie don't chuck out the baby stuff), and revisit when you'd actually be at the point where you'd want to ttc if you decide to go ahead.

Thanks- this sounds like good advice! 👍

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 06:58

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 23:02

It's hormonal.

As a parent of three I would highly discourage anyone from trying for a third.

Learn to enjoy what you have, their needs get more so as they get bigger.

Curious to hear more about your experiences of having 3....what is it that makes you discourage it?

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 07:01

Lmgify · 21/02/2023 23:04

I’m with you, my second is just about to turn one and I’ve been thinking I would love another one. However I had horrific pregnancies and births so I think number 3 is out of the question for me. It still doesn’t help with the feeling that our family is not quite complete though

Yes it's funny how the urge for having another baby can be so strong it is still there however hard pregnancy/birth/parenting have been! I'm suprised i have any inclination whatsoever...considering how little sleep I get most nights 😂

PinkButtercups · 22/02/2023 07:02

I went from 1 to 3. People tell me all the time 'you must be done now' it's quite rude tbh. And no, I don't feel done. If I want more children then I'll go for it.

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 07:04

MKD1 · 21/02/2023 23:06

I feel like you have literally written exactly what I'm going through. Have 2 kids, always wanted 3! Me and hubby both been talking about and are still undecided. Like you we have sold some bits and bobs....

But the cot is still in our room currently being used as storage!! Storage of all other baby things as we are having a huge clear out. My heart doesn't want to get rid of it 'just In case' we just don't know what to do.

I did suggest to get a dog instead, but hubby said not yet! I'm 33 so would like to finally get through this and decide.

I feel you, honestly I do!

It's so hard isn't it, I think it's a decision so many people go over and over, as many want 2 to have sibling for the first, and 1-2 doesn't mean so many big changes with car and house space for example, but 2-3 seems a much bigger jump.

I'm not a big animal fan really, so getting a dog instead wouldn't work for me, but it sounds a good idea for you if you don't decide to have any more :)
Good luck!

RememberFlimsy · 22/02/2023 07:07

You haven't actually said why you shouldn't have a 3rd?

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 22/02/2023 07:15

Absolutely not for financial, practical and environmental reasons. The planet is in catastrophe.

specialk9 · 22/02/2023 08:11

I have 3. The third wasn't planned so a different scenario.

I absolutely adore him. But it is seriously hard work. I feel guilty I can't spread my time evenly as the baby/toddler takes up a lot of time. Having one other is manageable. When you have two others to give time to as well, it is a real challenge.

We had a 4x4 anyway but it's still not big enough. There is only a small number of cars that fit 3 car seats in. We've been on the waiting list for one of them for a year!

Our house, although sufficient (they each have a bedroom each) is not big enough for us personally, now we have the 3rd. But we're stuck as the jump for us is 250k+ at least and with the current mortgage rates is not feasible if we wish to maintain and comfortable lifestyle.

Holidays are such a pain! It's so hard finding a family room that sleeps 5 and doesn't cost the earth. We holiday fairly frequently so this has caused a huge increase in our holiday budget.

specialk9 · 22/02/2023 08:13

Second time I've done that today. Apologies !

Basically it's hard work. So much washing, never any time to myself? H works long hours so bedtimes are mainly down to me which seem to take all night ! I've questioned my Life choices several times! (In a light hearted way)

BUT I look at his squishy face, and when he cuddles me and I wouldn't change him for the world

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 14:12

CAJIE · 22/02/2023 06:28

You have two.This must be time consuming.is there nothing else yiou want to do with your life? You could perhsps fostet in a few years time which would help society and teach yout kids valuable life lessons.Why add to the world because of hormones?

Yes I have thought about maybe fostering (probably when our girls are older so I could commit enough time and energy to doing it) or becoming a childminder- that way i would still get to spend lots of time around children but don't have the full time responsibility of parenting. DH is abit unsure about fostering as he thinks it would be emotionally hard when the children have to move on. I worked in a nursery and babysat/looked after my friends little ones alot before coming a parent myself.As much as I think every age with my girls will be special and enjoyable in different ways, i just can't imagine not caring for and spending time around young children inbetween mine getting older and (hopefully!) becoming a grandparent.I currently work in a social care role with families and do have quite abit of contact with children through that, (and sometimes a baby cuddle!) but it's obviously not the same as caring for them all the time.

Mummyof287 · 22/02/2023 14:14

specialk9 · 22/02/2023 08:11

I have 3. The third wasn't planned so a different scenario.

I absolutely adore him. But it is seriously hard work. I feel guilty I can't spread my time evenly as the baby/toddler takes up a lot of time. Having one other is manageable. When you have two others to give time to as well, it is a real challenge.

We had a 4x4 anyway but it's still not big enough. There is only a small number of cars that fit 3 car seats in. We've been on the waiting list for one of them for a year!

Our house, although sufficient (they each have a bedroom each) is not big enough for us personally, now we have the 3rd. But we're stuck as the jump for us is 250k+ at least and with the current mortgage rates is not feasible if we wish to maintain and comfortable lifestyle.

Holidays are such a pain! It's so hard finding a family room that sleeps 5 and doesn't cost the earth. We holiday fairly frequently so this has caused a huge increase in our holiday budget.

Interesting to hear different experiences....I think that's one of the things that worries me, whether my time and energy would wear too thin to give them all what they need mentally and emotionally due to keeping up with all the extra practical stuff, as that can be hard at times even now, and they already both fight over me sometimes! 😅

Tiredmum31111 · 22/02/2023 14:25

I have 3 wonderful girls.
There will always be the practical and financial side that you will have to make sure works for you, which for us lucky does.
Just to give you a positive outlook on 3 there's not one part of me that regrets it. They all bring the best parts of each other out as a little girl gang. I personally found going from 1-2 a lot harder than 2-3.
It's not without its challenges but neither is parenting 1 or 2. All the best in whatever you decide x

DorotheaHomeAlone · 22/02/2023 17:03

We went back and forth for a while then went for it. Now have a 8.5y, 6.5yo and 3yo. We changed car and holidays cost a bit more but these didn’t and don’t seem like a big deal or reason not to add another person to our family.

The hardest thing is definitely finding the energy and time to parent them all at the level I want but we’re managing and it gets easier every year as we move away from infancy and toddlerhood. I love having three and watching their relationships with each other it’s clear that they get a lot out of each other too. I wasn’t done before but absolutely am now. This is my limit.